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The Louvre museum may move the Mona Lisa to an underground room. She can come back upstairs once she’s ready to behave.

Self-driving tractor trailers will be on U.S. highways in late 2024, just as soon as they can recognize children making the bent-arm honk-your-horn gesture.

Walmart will close all 51 of its health care clinics in six states, citing financial losses, and a string of lawsuits from women claiming stockboys were offering pelvic exams.

An inflatable rescue slide flew off a Delta jet during takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport, landing in Queens and saving a family a few hundred bucks they would’ve spent renting a bounce house.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering moving the Super Bowl to the Sunday before President’s Day to make it a 3-day weekend. Or, just moving MLK Day to the day after the Super Bowl since it’s too close to New Year’s Day anyway.

The Kansas City Chiefs made Travis Kelce the highest paid tight end in NFL history with a 2-year $34 million contract extension. Meanwhile Taylor Swift earned $50 million from The Tortured Poets Department in 2 minutes, 34 seconds.

Donald Trump was found in contempt of court and fined $9,000 for violating his hush-money trial gag order nine times. Trump then told the court he can’t find a bond company to loan him the $9,000.

Trump will be allowed to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation by the judge in his hush money trial. However, he was blocked from giving the valedictorian’s speech.

The company owning Family Dollar & Dollar Tree will close 1,000 stores, with customers lined up outside of the locations for Going Out Of Business sales promising markdowns to 98 cents.

An Oklahoma man was arrested after going to a Starbucks drive-thru naked on multiple occasions “to see the pretty girls who work there”. The baristas said he’d switched to iced coffee after repeated burns to his lower body.

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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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Paris Hilton married Carter Reum in Bel-Air. The Internet was temporarily broken due to the surge of “A Reum In Paris” jokes.

Lawyers for a Capitol rioter had to mute his microphone in court since he was audibly complaining about jail conditions, including medical care, food, and the lack of other hot-looking rioter-cellmates.

A McDonald’s worker shared a viral video about a 6,400 item order – 1,600 McDoubles, 1,600 McChickens, and 3,200 cookies – she had to prepare in just four hours. The total cost was $7,400, and Barron Trump still had a terrible birthday party.

Congress is mandating anti-drunk-driving technology for new cars, and multiple lawmakers said they plan to personally test how well it works during the next recess.

An Antarctic penguin made it to New Zealand, 2,000 miles from its home continent. A local man rescued the penguin, saying it was “tired, hungry, and swearing never to use Apple Maps again.”

The Wisconsin judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial was criticized for making a joke about Asian food delivered to the court, saying he hoped it wasn’t stuck on a freighter in California. “That’s my time” he then said before introducing the next judge.

Winter, a dolphin outfitted with a prosthetic tail, who was the inspiration for the film A Dolphin Tale, died at the Clearwater Marine Aquarium. Mourners shared their memories of Winter and her porpoise-driven life.

Johnson & Johnson will separate in to two companies – pharmaceuticals, and consumer products – each one a multi-billion-dollar Johnson.

Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson said the gyms he works out in are so dirty and old, he urinates in old plastic bottles because there aren’t any bathrooms. In other news, a dozen bodybuilders were sickened by bottled energy drinks at The Rock’s gym.

The death toll from Travis Scott’s Astroworld rose to nine people – matching the advance ticket sales from Color Me Badd’s upcoming Colorworld Festival.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.

A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.

The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.

Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.

Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.

The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.

John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.

A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.

Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.

Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.

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Smoke from the U.S. wildfires has reached France – where it now wears a beret and striped sweater and makes fun of Americans along with the other smokers.

Navigation app Waze added lane guidance, so you’ll know when to get in the far-right lane before you start texting.

Donald Trump claims there are 25 witnesses disputing The Atlantic’s report that he called dead U.S. soldiers “losers” and “suckers” while in Europe. The witnesses are Barron’s classmates who clarify that he said it to them at Career Day.

Thanks to wildfires, Portland, Oregon has the worst air quality of any location on Earth. Which is news to the people in the restrooms at Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station.

Simon Properties shopping malls will stay closed on Thanksgiving, but will hold socially-distant trampling events throughout the Holiday season to help folks get in the spirit.

Madonna will direct a film biography of her own life. She’ll fund the project since studios balked at her casting choice for ‘Young Madonna’ – herself.

Red Lobster will offer the Dew Garita, the first “official” Mountain Dew cocktail, and the 100,000th overall, if you count the ones from losers drinking out of brown bags at the skate park.

COVID-19 cases among Florida children jumped 26% in a month. Contact tracers say teacher/student relationships are in full swing.

Eight people in Indonesia who refused to wear masks were ordered to dig graves for COVID-19 victims as punishment. They were then told to lie in the graves and wait.

Big Ten college football will return next month. Every player will be required to take COVID-19 tests. Those who fail will be assigned a tutor whose nasal mucus will pass.

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Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

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Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.

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The NHL’s Calgary Flames suspended head coach Bill Peters as the league investigates a former player’s claim that he used a vulgar racial slur. No one is buying Peters’ claim that he was saying “Canuck’er”.

The family of a 3-year-old Las Vegas girl was charged $2,659 to remove a plastic Polly Pocket doll shoe she shoved up her nose. They removed one themselves, but went to the emergency room because they couldn’t wait for the other shoe to drop.

The “Anonymous” Trump administration official and author of ‘A Warning’ said on Reddit that they’ll reveal their identity before the 2020 election. But, for now, they want to be known as “Anonymous” or their other alias, “Mac Pants”.

Actor Godfrey Gao died of a heart attack while filming an episode of Chinese television reality competition ‘Chase Me’.  Spoiler: they caught him.

According to Cancer Research, U.K., a simple finger test can identify the potential presence of lung cancer. You look at your fingers and see if there’s a lit cigarette in them.

A Chinese man suffered seizures while self-cooking pork and mutton at a ‘hot pot’ restaurant. It was later determined he had tapeworms on his brain from repeatedly eating undercooked meat. The man left a negative Yelp! review for the restaurant, but the worms left a favorable one for his brain.

Melania Trump was booed during an appearance to speak about opioids at a student assembly in Baltimore as part of her Be Best campaign. She later issued a statement to the press, stating “Barron you’re grounded.”

Disney is being blasted for the lack of originality in their new ‘Baby Yoda’ merchandise tied to Disney+ series ‘The Mandalorian’. Disney said they’ll get better, starting with the release of a video showing how Baby Yoda changes his own diaper with The Force.

Katie Holmes is being praised for sharing apparently unedited Instagram photos of her bare stomach, including some visible stretch marks. She has the stretch marks from her pregnancy, and from twisting her torso to avoid kissing Tom Cruise.

Food blog Eater posted seven tips for people planning to break up with someone in a restaurant. They include sitting at the bar, paying with cash, and abandoning the idea to ghost them like everyone else does these days.

 

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Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.