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Smoke from the west coast wildfires has reached the east coast, where skies will remain hazy because the smoke is required to quarantine for 14 days.

Health experts say that, despite risk from both seasonal flu and COVID-19, you shouldn’t get two flu shots. Shoppers at Walgreens say it will be hard to refuse the buy one, get one free special.

Scientists have found the area of the male brain that controls sexual desire. They were looking for a different portion of the male brain, but the sexual desire part kept getting in the way. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Homeless Philadelphia protestors, living in an encampment while they seek affordable housing, invited Mayor Jim Kenney to a brunch there. Kenney declined, and missed out on the Thunderbird mimosas and squirrel carving station.

France reported 10,000 new cases of COVID-19. President Emmanuel Macron is delaying treatment to see if the virus surrenders first.

A new startup in India hopes to solve the country’s problem of disease caused by open defecation with an “indestructible” public toilet. However, the pandemic has delayed launch, since they can’t test it at Buffalo Bills parking lot tailgate parties.

Apple introduces its new Apple Watch later today, with a feature warning the wearer of an upcoming panic attack – that they’ll get when they discover they don’t have enough money for the new iPhone.

Drew Barrymore said she won’t refer to her new talk show – The Drew Barrymore Show – as “my show”. So this spring, she’ll get to tell staff “our show” is cancelled.

Sony says they may have to slow production of new Playstation 5 game consoles due to a shortage of processing chips. “Thanks for the excuse!” say cheapskate Moms & Dads.

A new report claims global animal populations have declined by 70% over the last 50 years. The study followed every animal except rats in New York.

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Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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NFL legend Deion Sanders said his Pro Football Hall of Fame bust looks like ‘a white dude from Upstate New York’.  “See? I told you I was a great athlete!” said white dudes from Upstate New York to their wives and girlfriends.

Taylor Swift changed the logo on her ‘Folklore’ album merchandise after the owner of a black-owned business – named ‘The Folklore’ – called her on it. Swift’s team agreed to change the logo, which now reads ‘The Thriller’.

Donald Trump tweeted a suggestion that the November election be delayed because of the coronavirus. He’s suggesting a move from the 3rd of the month to the 31st.

Sonic Drive-In unveiled its first redesigned restaurant in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, featuring a covered patio and lawn games. The grand opening was attended by a hand-selected VIP list of pre-diabetics.

Buffalo Bills defensive lineman Star Lotulelei has opted out of the upcoming NFL season. The Bills told other players they’re also free to opt out, that you don’t have to be a Star to not be in their show.

Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the likely source of Stonehenge’s giant Sarsen stones – bigger stones.

The Yaraka Hotel in the rural Australian outback banned two local emus, Kevin & Carol, because they learned to climb the stairs from the lobby to the pub, where they steal food. Kevin & Carol said they only used the stairs because the elevator was broken.

Manhattan judge Loretta Preska has agreed to delay the unsealing of depositions related to Ghislaine Maxwell’s sex life until Maxwell can file an appeal, and until the Trump Foundation’s check clears.

Despite an announced plan to move them out of the city, federal agents once again tear-gassed protesters in Portland. The agents claim they needed to use up the tear gas because there just isn’t enough room in their carry-ons for the flight home.

A Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department investigation concluded that a Starbucks employee put a cleaning cloth – not a tampon, as originally reported – in an off-duty cop’s drink. Employees at the coffee shop then resumed wiping down tables and chairs with tampons.

 

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Ghislaine Maxwell, longtime associate of Jeffrey Epstein, was arrested in New Hampshire. Officials said she would have been brought in sooner, but nobody knew how to pronounce her name when reading her rights.

New York State will prohibit fans from attending or tailgating at pro sports venues during the pandemic. Buffalo Bills fans will have no choice but to jump off armoires and break their dining room tables at home.

Young people in Alabama are throwing ‘COVID-19 Parties’ – where people with coronavirus attend and the first person to get infected receives a payout. Party organizers claim it’s cheaper than organizing a separate baby shower.

Lifeguards in Orange County, California rescued a bride in her wedding gown after she and the groom were swept into the ocean posing for wedding photos. On the bright side, a 30-year-old single female shark caught her bouquet.

Police in Italy seized $1 billion worth of amphetamines they claim was manufactured by terror group ISIS. ISIS admitted diversifying into drugmaking because there just isn’t a lot of money to be made in blowing shit up.

A Colorado “throuple” is expecting a baby. Lo Taylor is pregnant with her husband Mike’s child, but wants girlfriend/partner Jess Woodstock “to help breastfeed”. Lo & Jess plan to get small breast tattoos so the baby will know which flavor they’re choosing.

Columbus, Ohio took down a statue of Christopher Columbus – the city’s namesake. 75,000 people want the statue replaced with an image of a black transgender activist, but the local hockey team doesn’t want to call itself the Marsha P Johnson Blue Jackets.

Formula 1 racing billionaire Bernie Ecclestone became a father at age 89, when his 44-year-old wife delivered a son. Ecclestone thanked his race team for attaching a 650-horsepower engine to one of his sperm.

The Lake Travis, Texas health department is urging its residents not to attend this weekend’s Vanilla Ice concert amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases. They added if you must go, wear a mask to keep people from identifying you at a Vanilla Ice concert.

As part of settlement conditions in a paternity lawsuit, rapper Offset is demanding his baby mama, Nicole Marie Algarin, give their child Kalea Marie Algarin his last name. The child would be renamed Kalea Marie Set.

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Russian long-jump silver medalist Darya Klishina revealed she was offered $300,000 a month to become an escort. Klishina declined the offer, and the guy said he’d try his luck with the pole vaulters.

Classic video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater will be rereleased and feature the skate pros at their current ages. The boards will have walkers on the front of them.

At age 13, Isabella Rose Taylor became the youngest fashion designer to have a clothing line at Nordstrom. She’s so young, any guy caught removing one of her dresses from a date faced felony charges.

Ikea released designs for making forts out of their furniture and accessories, leading to dozens of parents suing Ikea after the forts fell on their kids.

Actress and married mom Megan Fox was spotted riding in a car with rapper Machine Gun Kelly, leading to speculation she may be leaving her husband, Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Pea Shooter Green.

A man drove 600 miles from Olympia, Washington to Sacramento, California to get a haircut. By the time he arrived home, he was back on the road for a trim.

Justin Bieber said he wishes he “saved himself” for his wife, Hailey Bieber – but admits that he “spent himself” a thousand or so times.

Buffalo Bills draft pick A.J. Epenesa, a defensive lineman out of Iowa, said that “Buffalo is a lot like Iowa”…insulting both Buffalo, and Iowa.

The NFL is considering awarding improved draft position to teams that hire minority coaching candidates. All 32 teams responded by promoting black athletes to Player/Coach.

PGA superstar Rory McIlroy said that he won’t play golf with Donald Trump again. Trump immediately replied that McIlroy is just angry because he lost.

 

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New Jersey State Park Police say an “inordinate amount” of human feces and urine-filled bottles was found throughout state parks, because public restrooms are closed. The police responded following several complaint calls from bears.

Police said if New Jersey residents really needed to urinate or defecate in public, they should follow tradition and use the Wildwood boardwalk.

The greatest increases in COVID-19 related deaths are projected in Republican-leaning states. GOP leaders brushed it off, saying they’re still okay with corpses mailing in votes.

Labatt Brewery is launching new hard seltzers. They come in a variety of fruit flavors, at the request of Labatt loyalists hoping to find something more cheerful to throw up at Buffalo Bills tailgate parties.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels released  ‘Auto-Scrap-Ography, Vol 1’ – an autobiography in the form of a visual scrapbook. Some photos of women pop up, unless they’re backstage or the tour bus, when they pop down.

Some fans on Reddit think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is adding too many characters. Others think 50 Marvel movies is just the right amount to see between Memorial Day and mid-August.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was moved from a Pennsylvania prison to home confinement to avoid contracting coronavirus. In a statement, the coronavirus said it wasn’t interested in Manafort since he looks dead already.

After 17 years living underground, cicadas will emerge in North Caroliina, Virginia and West Virginia starting this month. “Where the f**k is everybody?” ask cicadas.

Guests visiting reopening Six Flags theme parks will need to pay in advance and choose a time to enter before they’re allowed to wait 2 hours to ride a roller coaster.

A six-year-old in Kentucky decided to cheer up his neighborhood by giving away free ice cream from the back of a pickup truck. He gave away lots of ice cream but had to stop after running over other children chasing the truck.

 

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Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

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Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

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Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.

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Claudia Ochoa Felix, a curvy brunette resembling Kim Kardashian and rumored head of the armed enforcement wing of the Sinaloa drug cartel, died over the weekend. Telemundo scrapped a reality show they were planning with Ochoa Felix, “Keeping Up With The Heroin Smugglers”.

An American Airlines mechanic accused of sabotaging a jet to collect overtime repairing it may have ties to terrorist groups, said investigators who noticed he got his degree from ITT Tech in Afghanistan.

  • American Airlines said they’re looking into it, and the only terrorists they know of working for the airline are bitter old flight attendants terrorizing passengers.

United Airlines said it’s changing the rules for pilot drinking. Pilots will need to stop drinking 12 hours before takeoff; the old rule said they need to stop 12 minutes before they land.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau admitted to wearing brownface in 2001 as part of an Aladdin costume. Trudeau said he was sorry, and that he remembered the evening for receiving the Worst Aladdin Costume award.

Instagram is restricting posts touting weight loss products and cosmetic procedures targeted at users under age 18, in what’s being called a major breakthrough in visibility for everyone over 50 on Instagram.

India banned vaping, citing government studies that it’s even more unhealthy than breathing outdoors in New Delhi.

The 2-0 Buffalo Bills have hired 600 police and security officials to curb rowdy fan behavior at their home opener. It’s the biggest police presence in Buffalo since their Super Bowl appearances, but those cops were always sent home at halftime.

Miami Dolphins linebacker Raekwon McMillAan said that, following a legal hit on Tom Brady in last Sunday’s game, he was told by a referee to “stay off Tom”. The ref was identified only as “Gisele”.

Amazon will now let you donate to presidential candidates using Alexa. “Okay stupid” said Alexa in response to an Amy Klobuchar donation.

A Rhode Island woman used a numbing agent for a toothache, then discovered it had turned her blood blue. Doctors are mystified, but the blue blood got her in to three exclusive country clubs.