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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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Jennifer Lopez cancelled her 30-city ‘This Is Me..Now’ Summer Tour. Sales were so lousy, Ticketmaster offered to cut their per-ticket fee in half to $50 each.

The CDC has confirmed a second human case of bird flu. The government is concerned about further transmission, since infected birds can’t find N95 masks that fit their beaks.

Claudia Sheinbaum was elected as the first female President of Mexico. “What a mitzvah!” said Mexicans.

New warnings were issued concerned elevated lead levels in spices. High volume of lead was found in Badia brand cinnamon, and in Belly Full Of Lead Toast Crunch cereal.

An AT&T executive endorses “reverse mentoring” – asking younger co-workers about the strategies they use to succeed in their jobs. So far her youth mentors have taught her a lot about letting older people do their work.

Due to a calendar anomaly, Social Security payments will be delayed a week for recipients whose birthdates are between the 1st and 10th of a month. Cracker Barrel hostesses and servers are advised to adjust their plans accordingly.

A flight attendant on Tik Tok said one of the reasons they greet passengers as they board is to determine if they’re too drunk or sick to fly. A Spirit flight atttendant said they also like to assess who’s most likely to win the in-air fistfights they bet on.

Philadelphia drag queens set a record for the largest attendance at a drag queen storytime reading, with 263 people in attendance. Drag queens said they were thrilled with the support, but not thrilled by how much the kids tipped.

Serial record=breaker David Rush established a new record by using only his nose to exhale and inflate 28 balloons in under three minutes. He’s now being treated for a world record sinus infection.

Lenny Kravitz claims he’s been celibate for years for “spiritual reasons”. Incels are now busily updating their dating app profiles to say that they, too, haven’t had sex for years because they’re just like Lenny Kravitz.

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Delaware’s department of motor vehicles is temporarily halting issuance of vanity license plates. The policy is opposed by the ACLU, and Delaware residents who say it’s now going to be a lot harder to spot douchebags.

A Colorado woman told police “arrest me now” when they arrived to find her male partner dead on the bed with his penis cut off. “Okay” said police.

PGA golfer Rory McIlroy announced he’s divorcing his wife of seven years. McIlroy denied her claims that he was seeking an open marriage, saying she misunderstood when he said he was getting a new swing coach.

A Pennsylvania man dismembered his roommate and left the body parts in 3 different locations. He said he fought with the roommate, and wanted to give the CSIs a scavenger hunt.

Palmer chocolate company expanded a recall of white chocolate products over a salmonella risk. The CDC warned consumers to return Palmer products, or risk death by chocolate.

Closing arguments in Donald Trump’s hush money trial are set for next week. Ongoing arguments are set for every time Donald Trump appears in front of a camera.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh, said his inheritance was reduced after stepmother Crystal Hefner convinced her husband to modify the will. Marston calls Crystal a “master manipulator”, which Crystal agrees is right because she was able to manipulate erections out of Hefner before he died at 91.

Select Wendy’s locations are offering a bucket of 50 chicken nuggets, which they’re calling the Nuggs Party Pack, and which struggling families are calling Dinner For A Week.

Kyle, Texas failed in its bid to set a world record for largest gathering of men with the same name, as just 706 ‘Kyle’s showed up, compared to over 2,000 ‘Ivan’s who set the record in a Bosnian city. The women’s record is over 10,000 ‘Karen’s who took their daughters to a Taylor Swift concert.

Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy and will now be known as Red Ink Lobster.

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Charlotte, a stingray at a North Carolina aquarium, is reportedly expecting a “miracle” birth, since no male stingrays are present in her tank. However, Maury Povich in scuba gear just announced to a tiger shark “you…ARE the father!”

Cunard Cruise Lines’ Queen Victoria reported 154 passengers and crew sick with severe vomiting and diarrhea – overloading Queen Victoria’s thrones.

Amazon Prime Video will air an exclusive NFL playoff game next season, requiring a Prime Video subscription to watch. NFL fans are furious, except for fans of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers, who are saving their energy.

A new study finds a majority of parents talk or text with their adult children several times every week to see how they’re doing, and to see when they’ll get back the money they loaned them.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly hinting at her retirement from music. This, following the retirement of her vocal cords in 2011.

The Centers For Disease Control plans to drop 5-day COVID isolation guidelines, provided a patient has mild & improving symptoms, is fever-free for 24 hours, or is dead.

A pet cat is being blamed for the first diagnosed case of bubonic plague in a human since 2015. The person is being treated, but the cat is asking for them to be euthanized.

The 49ers/Chiefs Super Bowl drew 123 million viewers – the highest since the Moon Landing. NASA announced plans to resume moon missions with the upcoming launch of Apollo Swift.

A California couple whose gender-reveal pyrotechnics caused a wildfire that killed a firefighter have pleaded guilty to their crimes. At sentencing, the judge popped a large balloon revealing a note reading “It’s One Year In Prison For Involuntary Manslaughter!”

A single-engine plane near Buffalo had its door fly off mid-flight. It landed safely and was welcomed into the Alaska Airlines commuter fleet.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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California Senator Dianne Feinstein passed away at age 90. She’ll be recognized with a long moment of silence on the Senate floor when Mitch McConnell tries talking about her.

Senator Feinstein reportedly took a turn for the worse when the Senate passed a new dress code this week, meaning she could no long attend hearings wearing a bathrobe.

The Centers for Disease Control said the U.S. is in the midst of a sexually-transmitted disease “epidemic”. Mississippi has the highest STD infection rate, with residents as young as 13 reporting infections after returning from their honeymoon.

General Mills debuted its first new ‘Monster Cereal’ in 35 years. Carmella Creeper, a caramel-apple flavored cereal, joins Boo Berry, Frankenberry and Count Chocula. Carmella Creeper was formerly known as Fruit Brute, but underwent cereal reassignment.

NSYNC released ‘Better Place’, their first new single together in 20 years. O-Town also plans to release new music, depending on the results of the GoFundMe they started to get studio time.

A customer dissatisfied with repair work and an auto shop owner shot each other to death. First responders were unable to revive either victim with jumper cables.

ABC’s The Golden Bachelor premiered Thursday, with 72-year-old Gerry Turner meeting over twenty 60+ bachelorettes. Turner kissed several of them, some so passionately he had to return their teeth.

National Parks will close in the event of a government shutdown. Environmentalists fear this will negatively impact bears and alligators who won’t have enough tourists to eat.

Heavy downpours flooded New York City subways. The water levels were so high, you couldn’t see which passengers were masturbating.

Police were called to Britney Spears house for a ‘wellness check’ after she posted a video dancing with knives. The cops decided not to take any action, but she was offered a job by Cirque du Soleil.

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Kevin Costner’s estranged wife Christine Baumgartner said she’ll “enter the workforce” because $130,000/month in child support from Costner is insufficient. Although, at 49, with 3 teenagers, it’s unclear if she can get a nanny job to break up some other rich guy’s marriage.

An Italian water taxi company banned Kanye West and wife Bianca after images surfaced of her giving him oral sex on one of their vessels, and redefining “motorboating” in the process.

Transgender teacher Kayla Lemieux, famous for her prosthetic Z-cup breasts, has ditched them and now teaches under a given male name, Kerry Luc. No reason was given but it’s believed the Z-cup boobs kept them from reaching the chalkboard.

Spectrum, the 2nd-largest cable provider in the U.S., has dropped Disney-owned channels like ABC and ESPN – wreaking havoc on sports fans, and on senior women who are frantically trying to learn how to rig antennas so they don’t miss The Golden Bachelor.

China banned government officials from using iPhones – disappointing their grandchildren, who worked really hard building them.

Federal safety regulators are considering recalling 52 million vehicles for defective airbags. Auto makers are asking to wait until after winter, when icy roads will take the number down to about 48 milion.

The CDC is launching a new ad campaign for flu shots, saying they won’t prevent the flu, but will take it from Wild To Mild. They were promptly issued a cease & desist by the makers of KY lubricant, who promise to take the evening from Mild To Wild.

An Anchorage, Alaska couple whose house collapsed into a swollen river during a flood in early August were reunited with their cat, who’d escaped. They hugged Leo the cat, who promptly bit them and demanded something to eat before a nap.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar – Zack Morris on Saved By The Bell – joined the Pod Meets World podcast to discuss episodes that couldn’t be filmed today, like a scheme charging classmates $1 to kiss Lisa Turtle without her consent. He said an earlier version of the script contained ways for Lisa to earn $50 at a time.

Gen Z women are ditching tampons and pads and embracing “free bleeding” during their periods. They consider it “freeing”, and also a great way to convince their bosses to let them keep working from home.

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Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

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A 47-year-old Florida woman died after her husband sued to have her treated with ivermectin. Ironically, she died of heartworms.

Jewelry retailer Pandora is ending their use of mined diamonds and switching to sustainable lab-made diamonds instead. They say this won’t impact the buying habits of cheap husbands & boyfriends who are out of ideas and buy charm bracelets.

A cat with a genetic mutation was born with four ears. It likes having three of them rubbed, and bites if you touch the fourth.

Experts criticized the judge in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial for having him pick juror numbers at random who will decide his fate. They said it went too far when Rittenhouse drew a 13th juror who will be his Secret Santa.

Ob/gyn Dr. Jennifer Gunter, author of The Vagina Bible, debunked a viral claim that women suffer from “winter vagina” – seasonal irritation caused by dry air. This led to an awkward conversation between Santa & Mrs. Claus, who’s been using it as her go-to excuse for several Christmases.

Los Angeles’ Staples Center – home of the NBA Lakers & NHL Kings – is being renamed the Crypto.com Arena. It’s a 20-year deal that will cost over $700 million in real money.

Activist shareholders of video game maker Activision/Blizzard are calling for CEO Bobby Kotick’s resignation, for failing to act on workplace claims of sexual harassment, and for making female soldiers in Call of Duty games wear camouflage bikinis.

CDC data show drug overdose deaths reached record highs during the pandemic – meaning so did drug abusers, kinda.

The CDC data showed the leading cause of overdose death was fentanyl, and the rarest death was one guy who really got carried away with Nugenix.

Attendees at the Baby2Baby charity gala in Los Angeles – dedicated to helping children in poverty – audibly groaned when Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos only donated $500,000. In a gift code.