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United Airlines will give COVID-19 tests to some passengers. The ones who fail will be assigned to Boarding Group 19.

South Bend, Indiana outfitted its school buses with wifi. They allow students to use the Internet on rides to & from school, and let bullies view porn during downtime between beating up nerds.

A two-year-old boy found a loaded handgun on a Philipsburg, New Jersey playground. The boy is now first in line for the slide, the swings, and the carousel – got it?

Michael Cheatle, 37, a married private school teacher in suburban Philadelphia, was charged with having an illicit sexual relatiionship with a 17-year-old student. You can’t spell Cheatle without..

Nintendo released a new Fortnite-like battle royale game where 35 Super Marios fight each other until just one remains. The game is called Plumbers Union and it costs $150 per hour to play.

The new James Bond theme – No Time To Die – was released by singer Billie Eilish. Eilish’s color-streaked hair is changed for the video, since she had no time to dye.

Nicki Minaj gave birth to her first child, who was uninjured after exiting the birth canal and dropping two feet to the table below.

A new report finds 40% of the world’s plant life is at risk of extinction. Most of those are plants bought for Dads after him and Mom split up.

Amazon said over 19,000 of its workers contracted COVID-19 – and, of those, almost 10 were allowed to miss work.

A man wielding a sledgehammer broke the window of a Fox TV affiliate in Philadelphia and demanded to speak to a news anchor. Fox accommodated him, then put him in a limo to New York City and gave him his own 11pm show on Fox News.

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CNN published a list of 6 Things To Look For during tonight’s presidential debate. All 6 are other shows airing at 9p.m.

The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Dallas Stars in six games to win the Stanley Cup in the NHL ‘bubble’ in Edmonton. They’ll be bringing the Cup home to share with fans in a superspreader event.

Grand jury proceedings in the Breonna Taylor case will be released to the public following a judge’s order. Then those documents will be summarized for the Cliff Notes Rioter’s Edition.

COVID-19 has claimed one million lives worldwide, and it’s looking forward to expanding that number once Tom Cruise gets to the International Space Station.

Amazon introduced Amazon One – a contactless way to authenticate purchases or allow ticketless entry by scanning your palm. It also won’t let you buy something or enter a stadium until you wash your filthy hands.

Scientists discovered evidence of multiple underground lakes on Mars; it’s signs next to the lakes reading “swim at your own risk”.

Disney + ‘GroupWatch’ is now available in the U.S. – so up to six different streamers can watch the same program at once, and one can tell the other five to shut the f*** up during The Mandalorian Season 2 premiere.

A new musical variety show debuted, featuring a singing hologram of Whitney Houston. Then it shut down when the hologram checked into rehab.

Pornhub is showing ‘Califreaknik Pool Party’ – film of a Labor Day party during the pandemic featuring nude dancers. Women who arrived topless were reportedly let in for free. Cops shut the party down despite dancers oiling their bodies with Purell.

Kylie Jenner posted bikini photos on Instagram, urging her 200 million followers to register and vote. So far several million morons followed her advice and cast votes for Kylie Jenner.

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away. The remaining justices expressed their condolences in a 5-3 majority opinion.

Bryson Dechambeau won the U.S. Open Men’s Golf Championship by six strokes, in a tournament seen by millions during commercials while football games were on.

As part of contentious divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young is asking for half ownership of the Dr. Dre name. Death Row Records tracks would be rereleased with credits to Dr. Nicole.

Christina Anstead, co-host of HGTV’s ‘Flip Or Flop’ with ex-husband Tarek El Moussa, separated from current husband Ant Anstead. Antstead is her second Flip and soon-to-be second Flop.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged over 500 points early Monday amidst fears of coronavirus and flu season. Stocks are poised to rebound now that the Dow promised to wear a sweater and take Vitamin C.

A woman suspected of sending a letter to the White House poisoned with ricin has been arrested. Her accomplice told her she should have put it in a Big Mac instead.

Royal Caribbean & Norwegian cruise lines submitted new health protocols to the CDC in hopes of gaining approval to sail again. They also submitted plans for new Hospice Cruises for people who wanted to die at sea, anyway.

Palm Springs, California airport is seeing an rapid expansion of air traffic, as travelers seek the dry desert air to escape coronavirus concerns when they come out as gay.

A rare ‘blue moon’ – the second full moon in a month – will light the sky on Halloween night. So trick-or-treaters can say they caught COVID-19 once in a blue moon.

An August 7th wedding in Maine has now been linked to 8 deaths from COVID-19, and more than 50 terrible gifts from cheap guests.

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Attorney General William Barr wants to charge violent protesters with sedition. “Cool it now” replied non-violent Black Lives Matter protesters New Sedition.

Burger King announced The Whopper is now made without any artificial ingredients or colors. Regular customers are relieved at having naturally clogged arteries.

Israel declared a second coronovirus lockdown, and added Yom Covid to their expansive list of religious holidays.

Jerry Harris, 21-year-old star of Netflix cheerleading docuseries ‘Cheer’, was arrested on child pornography charges. “Gimme a D!” said Harris.

Michigan confirmed the case of a deadly mosquito-borne Eastern equine encephalitis ‘EEE’ virus. They started testing after seeing mosquitoes flying six feet apart from each other.

The U.S. Postal Service reportedly scrapped a plan to mail 650 million face masks to Americans, because they were worried about how to handle the volume of follow-up thank-you cards.

Williamson County Texas deputies who used force on the job were reportedly rewarded with gift cards to local steakhouses. Unfortunately, a group dinner resulted in one deputy dying when others gave him a chokehold instead of the Heimlich maneuver.

Winston Groom, author of ‘Forrest Gump’, passed away at age 77. His box of chocolates ran out.

Actress Charlize Theron said on The Drew Barrymore Show that she hasn’t dated anyone in five years. “Now I make my move” thought the old guy who cleans her pool.

The popularity of online classrooms has limited in-person bullying. Parents who want their wimpy kids to build character now have to make beat-up dates with bored punks.

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Scott Atlas – new pandemic adviser to the Trump administration – is pushing a controversial ‘herd immunity’ theory to limit COVID-19 fatalities. Asked for details, Atlas said he herd it worked in Sweden.

Today is Women’s Golf Day 2020! Just ask any of the pissed off foursomes of grumpy male retirees playing behind them this afternoon.

A judge ruled that Georgia ballots mailed by Election Day must be counted. Paired with slowed post office deliveries, election officials are planning a pajama party for Christmas Eve.

Google launched Google Kids Space, a kids mode on Android tablets that provides kid-safe apps, videos and games for children wondering why their parents didn’t get them an iPad instead.

Grand Prix motorcycle racer Miguel Oliveira,24, plans to marry his stepsister Andreia Pimenta, 25. They met in their early teens when his father married her mother, so they’re just making it official after living together ten years.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil’s new body shape can be seen in a photo taken with his father that he posted to social media. Fans describe the new shape as “still kinda round, but less gross”.

A study of mice determined that regular aerobic exercise increases the body’s ability to cope in times of stress. The study also found that mice really love Zumba.

A man in Brisbane, Australia returned home to find two large carpet python snakes fell through his kitchen ceiling. Like most visitors, the snakes were disappointed with the food selection in the bachelor’s kitchen.

New Zealander Lucky Diamond Rich – recognized by Guinness World Records as the world’s most tattooed man – told Guinness “I don’t regret anything”. However, the person who inked his genitals and inner buttocks has a regret or two.

Elon Musk’s new company, Neuralink, demonstrated its technology with a computer link installed in a pig’s brain. Musk said the technology is capable of summoning a Tesla with brain waves, but is being refined after the pig crashed three cars.

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Chipotle employees made a behind-the-scenes video, sharing the recipe and preparation of their cilantro/lime rice. It’s so simple, Taco Bell is showing the video to the mice in their kitchen so they can make it.

An Ellen Degeneres tweet from 2009 resurfaced, where she says she “made an employee cry like a baby” and it “felt good”. As it turns out, the employee cried because Ellen surprised her with a cruise…to the unemployment office.

With Sturgis Motorcycle Rally over, the city of Sturgis will begin mass testing of city workers, first responders and others for COVID-19, and will throw in a gonorrhea test for free.

The COVID-19 pandemic is creating a trend of working mothers quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. Enterprising kids are training their moms with new skills to get them back out of the house so they can be alone again.

The Florida Keys will release 750 million genetically-modified male mosquitoes in the hope of eradicating females that carry diseases like zika and dengue fever. The females die when the see the males’ tiny gold chains and smell Drakkar Noir.

The Cincinnati Reds suspended broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he was caught on a live mic calling an unknown area “the f#g capital of the world”. Brennaman apologized and left midgame, and the Reds switchboard was bombarded with calls from people wanting to know where to visit the capital.

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon was arrested & charged with defrauding donors to the ‘Build The Wall’ campaign. Bannon will claim that he did, indeed, use donations to build a wall around his new pool.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won his latest appeal to supress video evidence in his prositution case in Florida. In a one-word opinion, the presiding judge wrote “gross”.

Marijuana vending machines debuted in Colorado. Long lines formed as stoners took forever smoothing out $1 bills.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 were found in Australia. Rapper L’il Wayne is waiting for the prospectors to find two more so they can be made into his new grill.

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The Seattle Seahawks cut player Kemah Siverand for trying to sneak a woman into the team hotel during training camp. Siverand thought she was gorgeous; teammates thought she was just a fair catch.

Thousands lined up for over a mile at a Texas food bank. The line would have been shorter, but hundreds of dumb Texans were there to cash unemployment checks.

An In-N-Out burger restaurant in Oregon is the site of a COVID-19 outbreak. The good news is their secret menu lets you order burgers & fries “Pangolin style”.

Google is rolling out “earthquake alerts” to Android phones. Google says the key to getting them is holding on to your phone really tight.

Idris Elba’s wife said she thought his COVID-19 diagnosis was “the end”. Fans thought “the end” for Idris Elba was box office bomb ‘The Dark Tower’.

Tiger Woods shared his ‘go-to’ Starbucks coffee order in an interview with Golf TV. It’s a Grande Nonfat Double-shot Hazelnut Latte delivered by the 20-year-old new female barista.

Donald Trump’s brother Robert is reportedly hospitalized in New York and “very ill”. Donald has requested that Robert be moved to the first tee of his New Jersey golf course so he can visit him.

Workers renovating the Walla Walla, Washington public library found a stash of Godzilla Heads bubble gum and unopened beer cans left there since the 1980s. They’re unsure who left it there, but they suspect it’s the alcoholic custodian who choked to death on bubble gum.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said he “warned Russia” about the alleged bounties they offered for attacks on U.S. soldiers. Pompeo warned them they needed to raise the price to get any serious action.

The NBA Chicago Bulls fired head coach Jim Boylen. Boylen was on the bubble, then left out of the bubble, then the bubble burst.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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Vermont banned placing food scraps in the trash. McDonald’s restaurants throughout the state introduced Compost Meals.

With a tenfold surge in cases since reopening, Florida is being called the new epicenter of coronavirus. “I guess we should get more Epi-Pens, then” said Governor Ron Desantis.

Donald Trump told Fox News Sean Hannity that he “aced” his cognitive evaluation, holding up the peg with four plastic donuts stacked largest to smallest.

A white Tennessee woman who shouted racist and homophobic slurs at a Black Lives Matter rally was fired from her job at a vision center. She asked for one final treatment at the office, claiming she couldn’t see color.

Johnny Depp testified in a British court that he called ex-wife Amber Heard “Amber Turd” after she defecated in their bed as a prank. He then testified that he called the cleaning lady to beg her not to quit.

A TikTok user shared a way to keep leftover avocado from browning in your refrigerator – don’t buy them.

The owner of a deli in Saratoga Springs, NY posted a sign telling “thirsty bros” not to ask his staff on dates while they’re trying to work, adding that they’ve already heard the ‘hot pastrami’ line dozens of times.

A Nazi-themed song on TikTok went viral, garnering 6.5 million views. “Maybe we don’t ban TikTok after all” said Donald Trump.

CNN contributor Ana Navarro addressed Americans who refuse to wear face masks, saying “wearing Spanx is harder”.  Spanx stopped selling face masks after multiple users reported collapsed noses and fractured jaws.

COVID-19 cases are surging in Mississippi – medical officials say intensive care barns don’t have enough available hay bales to admit new patients.