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Microsoft announced they’re closing all 83 of their retail stores. Details are coming on a Black Screen Of Death sale.

Donald Trump retweeted a video from a Florida retirement community with a man in a golf cart yelling “white power”. Trump deleted the tweet, explaining the guy didn’t yell it loud enough.

Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee got new face tattoos – the largest being two Japanese kanji characters on his right cheek. He offered no explanation but they translate roughly to Maury Clue.

Navigation app Waze updated its logo and graphics, including “moods” that drivers can share, including “mad”, “sick”, “flying” and “oops I just rear-ended somebody while picking a mood”.

Saved By The Bell’s Dustin ‘Screech’ Diamond is behind $269,000 in payments on his house in Wisconsin, and Wells Fargo bank plans to foreclose. His costars rallied around him, pledging him all the royalties received from Zack Attack record sales and airplay.

The New England Patriots were fined $1.1 million and will forfeit a 2021 draft pick for illegally filming a Bengals/Browns game. The Patriots may appeal, saying having an employee watch a Bengals/Browns game was punishment enough.

Costco announced their bakery department will no longer sell $20 sheet cakes. They made the announcement by writing it in frosting on the top of a round cake.

60,000 pounds of chicken nuggets are being recalled because they may be contaminated with rubber. McDonald’s issued a statement saying none of their nuggets are affected, they just taste like it.

Scientists say they’ve used a single injection to edit genes in monkeys that put them at the greatest risk of heart disease. They were able to vaccinate the unhealthy monkeys after they fell asleep after drinking beer and eating french fries while watching NASCAR.

Pharma company Gilead said they’ll charge $3,120 for a single treatment of COVID-19 drug Remdesivir. But ask your pharmacist about a coupon where you can save $5.

 

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A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

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Johnny Depp/Alice Cooper/Joe Perry supergroup Hollywood Vampires postponed their 2020 European Tour, blaming potential exposure to COVID-19 and daylight.

The FDA warned that some hand sanitizers made in Mexico could contain toxic ingredients. Consumers should not buy or use new & improved Los Purellos with Lead.

McDonald’s is reportedly reconsidering the future of offering All-Day Breakfast, citing the complexity of frying an egg and putting it on an english muffin.

Disney Parks will make changes to the queues for its attractions when parks reopen in July. There will be no FastPass+, single rider lines, or virtual checkins – all guests will be required to stand in line and get sick together.

Philadelphia International Airport turned 80 years old. It’s celebrating by reuniting a 100-year-old passenger with the airport’s first-ever checked bag.

Arizona’s Dream City Church – site of the next Donald Trump rally – said they’ll be using technology that wipes out 99.9% of airborne coronavirus germs: old church lady perfume.

An 88-year-old Nashville liquor store owner had her handgun confiscated for two years after she injured a shoplifter with a shot in the back. Tennessee officials said when they return the gun, they hope her aim improves enough to kill shoplifters.

183,000 new cases – a daily record – of coronavirus were reported on Sunday, as the respiratory disease got its second wind.

Statues of catholic priest Juniperro Serra were toppled in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Serra started missions that imprisoned indigenous people to convert them to catholicism. That, and his statues somehow managed to molest young boys.

Donald Trump claimed his campaign received one million ticket requests for his Tulsa rally, yet only 6,200 showed up.  “Wow, that’s pretty good” said Facebook’s Director of Event Invites.

 

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In recognition of Pride Month, producers at Nickelodeon announced that cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay. Specifically, he’s a Bikini Bottom.

A Wisconsin trainer at an Anytime Fitness gym was fired for creating an “I Can’t Breathe” workout. In addition to disrespecting the memory of George Floyd, the workout was considered too dangerous, since it was done while wearing a plastic bag on your head.

Burger King is adding Impossible Foods’ meatless sausage to its breakfast menu. It joins the Impossible Whopper as part of Burger King’s “Impossible To Eat” lineup.

Ground beef sold at Walmart is being recalled for possible E.coli contamination. Plant-based beef substitute is also being recalled for possible contamination with weed killer.

A British woman incubated and hatched three ducklings from eggs she purchased at a supermarket – but later claimed her omelet was terrible.

China removed the pangolin – an animal believed to be a coronavirus carrier – from its list of approved ingredients for ‘traditional Chinese medicine’.  However, they reassured citzens ground-up bat wings will still cure the common cold.

Donald Trump’s niece will write a tell-all book about him, making it an even one-hundred tell-all books about Trump in just four short years.

New Jersey entered Phase Two of its coronavirus recovery plan. Residents are still encouraged to wear face masks as well as eye masks to limit exposure to bikini and speedo clad Jersey Shore bathers who really shouldn’t be wearing them.

Dumbbells and weight plates are sold out at many retailers as gyms remain closed due to the coronavirus. Amazon delivery drivers are getting incredibly ripped throwing the packages on to porches.

90s virtual pet craze Tamagotchi is making a comeback. The Tamagotchi Wonder Garden pet sells for $60 – or, for $100 if you want to hire somebody to take care of it from 9 to 5.

 

 

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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

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A teen boy in Buffalo, NY received a Ford Mustang convertible as a reward for independently cleaning up his street after riots and protests. He hopped in the car and left Buffalo.

Thousands of New York City businesses are reopening after pandemic lockdown, forcing tens of thousands of residents to decide if they want to give up the sweet parking spot they’ve had for 10 weeks.

Minneapolis City Council voted to defund its police force. They’ve already begun recruiting new citizen patrols by offering Free Parkas.

The White House is considering a Trump speech to the nation on race and unity. White House insiders describe the proposed speech as “really short”.

According to an NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll, four out of five voters think the United States is “out of control”. One in five voters think racial division, rampant disease & record unemployment are “pretty cool”.

CrossFit CEO Greg Glassman tweeted “it’s Floyd-19” in response to a tweet about racism being a public health issue. In response, high-profile CrossFit athletes severed ties with the organization and will find other ways to tear their ligaments.

Wichita State nixed Ivanka Trump’s virtual commencement speech. She then tweeted in condemnation of ‘cancel culture’, but still expressed thanks for not actually having to go to Wichita.

Microsoft is giving its Edge web browser to everyone updating Windows 10. Edge has new features like the ability to hide notification prompts, so you won’t be annoyed when your computer tries telling you your personal information is being stolen.

Following a May health scare, friends of Ryan Seacrest worry that he’s “overdoing it” – a concern echoed by everyone watching tv who’s sick of seeing Ryan Seacrest.

Monthly sales of Tesla Model 3 vehicles tripled in China – as pandemic lockdowns ended, and as Chinese drivers crashed Model 3s into each other and had to buy new ones.

An Apple Watch called police in Chandler, Arizona after its wearer fainted and remained unconscious. Paramedics arrived and the watch directed them to the nearest Apple Store for a new watch.

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A Philadelphia man was arrested for selling homemade dynamite used in multiple ATM burglaries. He charged $300 for a dozen dynamite sticks, plus a $4/stick service fee.

Drew Brees issued a lengthy apology for the insensitivity of his comments regarding kneeling protests, and hoped his negro and colored friends would forgive him.

Nevada police charged several far-right ‘Boogaloo’ extremists – white men intent on starting a new civil war – with terror and weapons crimes. No word if cops tasered the men to disrupt their plans, which would be Electric Boogaloo Breakin’.

A hidden feature in Google Maps lets you tell friends exactly where you are. Right now, everyone’s phone is set to My House.

JCPenney announced the 154 stores that will close this summer. Store closing sales start June 12th. Customers are asked to wear masks so no one knows they still shop at JCPenney .

The Washington Post analyzed Jeff Bezos’ personal charitable giving and determined his donations equate to $85 from the average American. Worse, the donations were in Amazon gift cards.

Following Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski’s criticism of Donald Trump, he promised to endorse any GOP opposition candidate if they “have a pulse”. Since Trump now requires a pulse for endorsements, many wondered if he still endorsed Mitch McConnell.

Kylie Jenner topped Forbes list of the highest-earning celebrities. Asked to comment, Jenner said she doesn’t read magazines for bees.

A viral video shows a Maryland man on a bike stealing signs from a young girl trying to commemorate George Floyd, then using his bike to run at her friends. He vowed to return to get the girl and her little dog, too.

The May unemployment rate fell to 13.3% as several states reopened, surprising economists who attributed the good news to asymptomatic coronavirus carriers happily returning to work.

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Fox News’ Sean Hannity is divorcing his wife of 20 years. She’ll join the cast of new morning show Fox and No Longer Friends.

Mötley Crüe postponed their headlining stadium tour until 2021. That announcement was followed by news that someone ordered 100 pizzas delivered to Vince Neil’s basement gym.

A mom’s viral video shows her three children interrupting her work-from-home conference call a total of 27 times. She was able to get the kids to nap for the call where she got fired.

A prep school in Florida awarded diplomas to graduates as they rode on jet skis. It was the first-of-its-kind in that way, and also because it was the first graduation where the Coast Guard issued multiple personal watercraft DUIs.

After initially denying it, Donald Trump admitted going to a White House bunker during weekend protests. Trump said it was for a brief bunker inspection – an inspection of his pants that confirmed how scared he was.

Sports business writer Darren Rovell said the loss of a 2020 Major League Baseball season would be worse than 1994, when a strike set baseball back five years – the length of one baseball season.

The New York Mets opened their spring training facility for the first time in 2020, and somehow managed to lose.

A Reddit user posted that he mistakenly ate undercooked, ‘almost raw’ chicken in a sandwich purchased at a restaurant “that rhymes with shmarbys”. The restaurant denied that the undercooked food was actually chicken.

A fossilized dinosaur’s stomach revealed the 110-million-year-old creature’s last meal. Scientists now have a new mystery – discovering where the dinosaur got a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake.

New research suggests a coronavirus vaccine may require two shots – one in the arm, and one down the hatch for the courage to get it.

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Joe Biden swept all seven Democratic presidential primaries on Tuesday, then asked aides if that means he’s president now.

Ivanka Trump carried a handbag to Donald Trump’s controversial church photo op, saying she needed it to hold pepper spray in case her father got too close.

Golf courses are seeing increased use of new single-rider carts like the Finn Scooter, which resemble dirt bikes and help courses enable social distancing. They also make the day more fun when course owners install cool ramps to jump between holes.

Danielle Bregoli, aka Bhad Bhabie, aka the ‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl, has entered rehab. She asks for publicity during this very difficult time.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission will lay off 500 toll collectors. All 500 will have booths installed in their driveways so they can collect unemployment benefits.

Ikea reopened stores in England and Northern Ireland, but long lines forced checkout wait times up to three hours. Workers passed out Allen wrenches so customers could use the time productively.

Google pulled an app that identified and removed other apps developed in China from its Play Store. Users would complain that, once they removed apps developed in China, there was nothing left.

A $5 billion class-action lawsuit claims Google allows tracking of web-browsing data on users in Incognito Mode. The suit was filed by “an anonymous group of a few thousand guys who are pretty sure they got fired for watching porn at work.”

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott pledged $1 million to improve the caliber of police training to address racism and advocacy. In response, Philadelphia Eagles fans raised $1 million to make police officer training worse.

AMC Theaters said in a statement it has “substantial doubt” it can remain in business because of the global pandemic. Bad news for moviegoers, good news for anyone looking to score a used electric leather recliner.