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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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A buck crashed through the window of a hair salon on Long Island. The animal fled shortly after his antlers received 10 frosted tips.

Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO said the company destroyed $5 million worth of AR-15 rifles after finding out the chain sold one to a school shooter. The company also destroyed $50 million worth of golf clubs when they saw how badly customers played with them.

The Glenlivet released their ‘Capsule Collection’ of whisky pods, aged scotch encased in an edible capsule made of seaweed. Some drinkers are popping them in their mouth and biting them, others plan to age them for another 20 years in their laundry room.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a funeral home director fired after coming out as a transgender woman. The funeral home owners defended their decision, saying they’re in the business of burying problems.

The Supreme Court will not hear the appeal of Domino’s, who were sued, and lost, to a blind man who couldn’t order pizza for delivery from his iPhone. However, the blind man is facing lawsuits from several people he ran over driving to pick up takeout pizzas.

Juliet Huddy, a former host of Fox & Friends, said that some Fox News shows “lie by omission”, omitting facts and context while reporting the news; as opposed to the rest of Fox News shows  that “lie on purpose”.

Rachel Maddow will reportedly appear in CW’s new comic-book tv show “Batwoman”. No details were given, but everyone just assumes she’s going to be Alfred.

Target launched Target Circle, a new customer loyalty program where you earn points for shopping. KMart announced its own loyalty program, where you receive points for finding a KMart store that hasn’t gone out of business yet.

China is pulling back its support of the NBA after Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. China is also pulling back support of the WNBA because they don’t really care about it, either.

After postponing, NASA rescheduled the first all-female spacewalk for this month. The original walk was postponed because a proper-fitting spacesuit was unavailable for astronaut Annie McClain. McClain has now been fitted with the first-ever AstroSpanx.

 

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Google Maps announced Incognito Mode, allowing users to get directions without having a record saved of their location. “Finally!” said murderers.

Instagram launched Threads, a close-friends chat app. So now you can be even more sad when close friends ignore your pics.

Tesla delivered a company-record 97,000 electric vehicles in the third quarter. The stock price still fell 6% when Elon Musk said “that’s the last of the 2016s!!”.

According to experts, a small child is sent to the emergency room once every two hours after coming in contact with beauty products. The kids are sick, but look and smell great.

Mario Kart Tour is Nintendo’s biggest mobile game launch to date, with over 90 million downloads. It’s so popular, people in real cars are driving while driving.

Donald Trump told a crowd in Florida he thinks there should be a media outlet run by the government. He’s thinking of launching it with morning show ‘Stephen Miller & Friends’, but they can’t find any of his friends.

Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano categorized Trump’s actions on the infamous phone call with the Ukraine “criminal and impeachable”. He followed that up by asking “is anyone hiring?”.

McDonald’s announced McRib will be returning to over 10,000 U.S. restaurants next week, replacing vaping as the new Number One U.S. health crisis.

Wednesday was National “Coffee With a Cop” day.  Thousands of meetings were scheduled between local community organizers and police, then cancelled when nobody brought donuts.

FBI and Homeland Security officials are warning about online threats posted encouraging shootings to coincide with the premiere of ‘Joker’.  However, they’re still unable to figure out threats posted to coincide with the premiere of ‘Riddler’.

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Adam Neumann, founder and CEO of workspace management startup WeWork, is stepping down. Be on the lookout for his new venture, IQuit.

The Coast Guard intercepted a semi-submersible “narco sub” in the Pacific Ocean, carrying 12,000 pounds of cocaine valued at $135 million. The DEA is now trying to find a new home in the Witness Protection Program for the orca that gave them the tip.

A Philadelphia woman is pulling the wings off of spotted lanternflies and making them into earrings. So far, three women buying & wearing them have been kicked in the ear.

The Washington Mystics advanced to the WNBA finals, defeating the Las Vegas Aces. Said Aces all-star center Liz Cambage “we know when we’ve been licked”.

Fox News apologized for one of its on-air commenters referring to teen activist Greta Thunberg as “mentally ill” – adding that they’re staunch supporters of giving the mentally ill their own primetime shows.

A rare painting from the Italian master Cimabue, ‘Christ Mocked’, was found hanging over a hotplate in the kitchen of a woman living outside Paris. It is expected to sell for millions once experts complete the job of removing Kraft Macaroni & Cheese from it.

A walrus attacked and sank a Russian Navy boat that had gotten too close to its pups. An Admiral in the Russian Navy said “man we have some shitty boats”.

President Trump is reportedly in disbelief that Nancy Pelosi proceeded with impeachment after speaking to her on the phone Tuesday. He hasn’t misread a woman this badly since the time he thought then-wife Marla Maples would be excited about his date with Melania Knauss.

A parent who paid $250,000 to get his son into USC as a bogus water polo recruit was sentenced to four months in prison, or, a full semester.

The Governor of Massachusetts declared a four-month ban on all sales of e*cigarette and vaping products, sending dirtbag parents scrambling for new stocking-stuffer ideas.

 

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The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

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Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is joining Fox News. She becomes the network’s biggest female talent.

Amazon opened its largest office building in the world in Hyperabad, India. It has room for 15,000 employees and one restroom.

A Manhattan man was killed after an elevator car he was exiting malfunctioned. A friend is expected to give him the world’s briefest eulogy: “Going up.”

Costco is opening its first warehouse club in China. They’re hiring extra forklift operators and EMTs to rescue customers crushed trying to carry bulk bags of rice.

Website Business Insider ranked nine brands of hard seltzer and industry leader White Claw emerged as #1.  The non-scientific survey was conducted during a free period for the 50 high school sophomore girls participating.

Godzilla made a ceremonial plate appearance before a professional baseball game in Japan. He struck out swinging his short arms, breathed fire on the pitcher and was ejected.

A priest in Chester County, Pennsylvania is accused of stealing $125,000 to fund his lavish lifestyle, including a beach house and relationships with men. Parishioners grew suspicious when he hired a sommelier for the altar wine.

Golfer Brooks Koepka posed nude for ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue. He said those criticizing him don’t have the Titleists to do it themselves.

Tom Brady’s request to have the name “Tom Terrific” trademarked was denied based on its association with baseball Hall of Famer Tom Seaver. His trademark request for “Tom The Cheating Ball Deflater” was approved, but isn’t expected to do him much good.

Liam Hemsworth told E! News when he decided it was time to file for divorce from Miley Cyrus — his wedding day.

 

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New research from the CDC claims we still don’t know how many diseases are caused by tick bites. “We just want to surprise humans to keep the relationship fresh,” say ticks.

The “10,000 Steps” rule is challenged by new research claiming longevity benefits are achieved walking just 4,400 steps/day, ending at 7,000 steps. The study followed a guy walking 18 holes of golf who had a heart attack at 7,100 steps.

A Louisiana Catholic School principal was fired after his arrest at a DC strip club during a school field trip. He was charged with disorderly conduct for yelling at the dancers to put their school uniforms back on.

The 91-year-old mother of ‘El Chapo’ Guzman obtained a visa so she can travel from Mexico to visit her son in a New York prison. She wants to bring him enchiladas, as soon as she arrives via the tunnel beneath the jail.

A female swimsuit model ran on the field during the Tottenham/Liverpool Champions League Soccer Championship to promote her boyfriend’s porn website. She avoided contact with players, but a few flopped anyway out of habit.

Apple plans to discontinue iTunes, but will introduce new music apps to sync with Apple devices and destroy your content.

Pamela Taylor, a West Virginia official who called Michelle Obama “an ape in heels”, will serve 10 months in jail for defrauding FEMA out of $18,000. Ironically, she’ll be safest in her new jungle when she’s locked in her cage.

The White House created a tool for users to report anti-conservative media bias. It’s called the Fox News app.

A trade group warned U.S. airline profitability will drop 20% this year. In response, airlines will charge passengers for the bags under their eyes.

President Trump denied calling Meghan Markle ‘nasty’, despite audio of him saying it. He plans to fix the issue just as soon as he can grab her pussy.

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Amazon is testing robotic machines that are able to pack customer orders in special boxes. The machines reportedly replace up to 24 human jobs, once they’ve figured out how to skip breaks by leaking oil into empty soda bottles.

A French documentary reports that Amazon routinely disposes of large quantities of unsold, unwanted products in what it terms “destruction zones” – their code name for Sears.

President Trump is reportedly highly involved in planning the nation’s July 4th celebration, including his giving a speech from the Lincoln Memorial. Staffers are busy figuring out how to move the Lincoln Memorial to Florida.

University of Michigan head basketball coach John Beilein is leaving the school to become head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The deal is reportedly for five years and a salary that makes it worth moving to Cleveland.

Facebook is paying content moderators up to $22/hour to review and manage potentially objectionable content. So when that girl told you she wouldn’t want to see your privates if you paid her? Well, now there’s someone who will.

AirHelp compiled its list of the best and worst airports worldwide. Newark Liberty Airport was named the Worst Airport in the United States.  Travelers with checked baggage arriving in Philadelphia International Airport plan to appeal.

Matthew Boling set a new U.S. high school record with a 10.13 second 100-meter dash.  Boling’s nickname is ‘white lightning’, because he is fast and because Irish American Lightning isn’t especially catchy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren refused an invitation to attend a Fox News Town Hall, calling Fox News a “hate-for-profit racket”. Fox News executives are considering it to replace their retired slogan “Fair and Balanced”.

Match.com is launching ‘Ask Match’, a feature where you can request dating advice from Match experts. So far, Match has terminated a number of male dating coaches whose sole advice to female members was “maybe you should just have sex with him.”

Lenovo has introduced a new laptop with a screen that bends in half. They say they got the idea from watching TSA inspectors do the same thing at airport check-in lines.