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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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A motorist braking for a tarantula caused a traffic accident in California’s Death Valley National Park. The tarantula failed a field sobriety test and was led away in three pairs of handcuffs.

A janitor in New Jersey is charged with contaminating his elementary school’s food and utensils with saliva, feces & urine. The charges follow an investigation by school officials, and K-to-6th graders posting some brutal Yelp! reviews of the cafeteria.

Netflix is reportedly building a movie studio in Monmouth, New Jersey at a cost of $900 million – saying it’s cheaper than repeatedly flying Adam Sandler’s friends to Hawai’i and making terrible movies there.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was found guilty on all counts of financial fraud by 12 members of a jury who each couldn’t begin to tell you how cryptocurrency works.

Donald Trump Jr testified at his father’s financial fraud trial in New York, and told a courtroom sketch artist “make me look sexy”. The artist was relieved he didn’t tell them to make him look smart.

Australia’s most wanted man, drug trafficker and gang leader Hakan Ayik, was arrested in Turkey. Through attorneys, Ayik said he was not having a g’day.

Matthew Perry reportedly received $20 million annually in residual payments from Friends. Attorneys are currently evaluating how his estate will be settled amongst family, beneficiaries, and dating-app skanks.

The Beatles released ‘Now And Then’, a down-tempo John Lennon-penned song that you’ll listen to now, and then wish you never heard.

Three passengers on the Alaska Airlines/Horizon Air commuter jet where a co-pilot attempted to shut off the engines said they were suing for emotional distress. It was then determined that all three flew on Frontier and Spirit all the time, so they dropped their lawsuit.

Oprah released her annual “Favorite Things” list – a gift guide with stuff you can buy, and also free things like “farting after a big meal”.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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A stagefront security guard at Taylor Swift’s Minneapolis concerts said he was fired because fans took photos of him singing along with Taylor in the background. However a spokesperson for Crowd Management, his former employer, said it wasn’t the pictures, it was his four costume changes.

Donald Trump will be weighed when he surrenders on election fraud charges in Georgia, so he’s pushing back the daily Big Mac Value Meal until afterward.

India’s Chandrayaan-3 spacecraft landed successfully, making India the fourth country ever to land a spacecraft on the moon, and the first country to open six Dunkin Donuts locations there.

Fox News hosts the firsr Republican presidential debate, with insiders expecting Chris Christie to post a strong showing in the domestic & international policy discussion, and a weak effort in the swimsuit competition.

Singers Demi Lovato and Ariana Grande have reportedly fired manager Scooter Braun, and are shopping for new Scooters.

A third-grade teacher in Oklahoma was arrested for drinking wine during class and having a blood/alcohol content of 0.24, three times the .08 legal limit. Her students were also involved in a seven-Big Wheel pileup on the playground during recess.

A teacher in Queens, New York who once posted on social media about “helping kids understand consent” was arrested for having sex with a 14-year-old student. She told police her lessons worked, because the boy raised his hand and asked for sex.

Bruce Willis’ daughter Rumer said her new baby daughter’s name was inspired by a typo in a text. She’s the proud mother of Duck.

A federal appeals court upheld the child porn conviction of TLC reality star Josh Duggar, who’s serving 12 Years And Counting.

Former television writer Patty Lin said that her season writing for Friends was, despite being her most recognizable credit, a bad experience. “Could this BE any more toxic?” she wrote.

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Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

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2020 U.S. Census results are expected to show the number of white people in the U.S. shrinking, and population growth driven entirely by other ethnic groups. The Proud Boys are considering calling themselves a minority supremacy group.

David Schwimmer denied recent reports that he’s dating Friends co-star Jennifer Aniston. Aniston said they’re still on a permanent break.

Authorities in Italy say the island of Sicily may have set an all-time heat record of 119.8 degrees – driven by a rare anticyclone, and grandmothers refusing to turn their ovens off baking manicotti.

Southwest Airlines said the COVID-19 Delta variant is hurting its business, saying they have fewer drunk & disorderly passengers to pick the seat they get duct-taped into.

Tropical depression Fred is set to hit Florida. It’s set to be the second-biggest depression in Florida, the first being sick kids on ventilators in hospitals.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell got emotional speaking with contestant Jane ‘Nightbirde’ Marczewski, praising her courage and talent as she battles cancer. Cowell then promptly returned to telling other people how much they suck.

An asteroid called Bennu has a chance of striking Earth sometime in the next 300 years. “Could you be more specific?” asked Earthlings.

Taco Bell debuted their Taco Bell Defy concept, a drive-thru only restaurant with four lanes – one traditional, two for mobile pickups, and one for the ambulance.

A piece of Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s wedding cake from 1981 sold for over $2,000. Unlike Charles & Diana, it recently celebrated it’s 40th Anniversary on July 29th.

A judge ruled Norwegian Cruise Lines can mandate COVID vaccines for passengers and crew boarding tours departing from Florida, scoring a victory for traveler’s rights to get seasick.

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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.

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Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.

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Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.