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Netflix is planning to open ‘Netflix House’ brick & mortar locations, to create “everyday experiences for their most watched programming”. They’ll contain a theater, food, and a Netflix & Chill room that guys can rent for $200 an hour.

The Pittsburgh Penguins announced that their Jaromir Jagr Bobblehead giveaway night is postponed because they were all stolen in transit. Collectors who bought tickets are shaking their heads.

IKEA announced they’re aggressively cutting prices on hundreds of items. They want to help relieve the stress on budgets, and put the stress on relationships when men & women team up to put the furniture together.

Vice President Kamala Harris will visit an abortion clinic in Minnesota, but has already gotten unanimous ‘no’s from patients when Harris’ reps ask if they want to take a photo with her.

Apparel maker Fanatics is being dragged for its Major League Baseball uniform pants, now being made from synthetic so sheer that they’re being called see-through. Ball girls wearing the pants in MLB parks are giving foul balls to kids, and their dads are tucking dollar bills in the girls’ waistbands.

A new study finds cardiovascular and isometric exercises to be the best for reducing blood pressure. Doing them somewhere far away from your family lowers blood pressure even further.

Adidas posted a significant multimillion dollar quarterly loss as it liquidates inventory of Yeezy shoes in the wake of parting with Kanye West over his antisemitism. Betting big on a new shoe line with MC Hammer didn’t help the bottom line, either.

Independent candidate for president Robert F. Kennedy Jr is considering making New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers his running mate. Rodgers will likely pass.

A Kellogg’s shareholder claims Froot Loops cereal is still being made with ‘harmful dyes’ despite the company’s claim that they’re removing them. The shareholder then produced a photo of spokesbird Toucan Sam who’s lost most of his feathers to cancer.

A Florida woman was arrested outside of an H&R Block attempting to sell her child for $500. She was arrested, but is waiting on the “maybes” from customers who didn’t know if they were getting a tax refund.

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Senator Rand Paul claims “hatred for Trump” is preventing clinical trials of the livestock dewormer Ivermectin as a means of curing COVID-19. Doctors say there’s nothing stopping Sen. Paul from doing his own trial anytime he wants.

The U.S. completed its pullout from Afghanistan, but promised to call or text in a day or two.

The Taliban said it will permit women to attend university, but mixing of genders in classes and activities will not be allowed. They then introduced the new all-male cheer squad at Kabul University.

An alligator attacked and killed a man at his Louisiana home flooded by Hurricane Ida. Prior to the attack, the alligator asked if the man had anything to eat, and the he told the alligator “no”.

The Caldor Fire is forcing evacuations near Lake Tahoe, California. The fire has spent a week in Lake Tahoe, equalling the seven-night record of Frank Sinatra.

Former champion Andy Murray was incensed after losing his opening-round U.S. Open match to #3 seed Stefanos Tsitsipas, claiming he manipulated the match with unneeded timeouts and bathroom breaks. For his part, the winner said he just really needed to take a Tsitsipiss.

IKEA is conducting a trial where it will buy back gently-used furniture. The furniture needs to be correctly assembled, so nobody’s shown up yet.

China banned online videogames for school children from Monday through Thursday, and will only allow three hours of gaming on the weekends. The decision led to both a spike in Fortnite wins for American & European kids, and record sales of Pornhub Premium subscriptions in China.

Jennifer Lopez wore a multipiece Dolce & Gabbana outfit in Venice, but left the price tag on the cape. Onlookers questioned the authenticity of the clothes, since the tag was from TJ Maxx.

A judge in Ohio ordered a hospital to treat a 51-year-old COVID patient – described by his wife as being ‘at death’s door’ – with livestock deworming medication Ivermectin. He then ordered the man’s ventilator be used on a cow that’s having breathing trouble.

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Switzerland – which had previously issued only men’s underwear to all recruits – will now issue women’s underwear to female recruits. Thus ending the only long-term military conflict in Swiss history, The Battle of the Bunch.

CDC data cite COVID-19 as the 3rd-leading cause of death in 2020, right after heart disease and fights over the remote during quarantine.

Chinese police arrested a seller of video game cheat codes, who then escaped after unlocking the keypad on his jail cell with Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A.

Google Maps is being updated to include realtime weather information, for drivers who can’t see out the windows.

After spending a year in space, testing revealed that astronaut Scott Kelly’s heart shrank over 25%, due to zero gravity and his girlfriend dumping him.

Scientists discovered X-rays being emitted by Uranus – an even greater risk to melting your friend’s faces off.

A Pennsylvania pharmacist who wears a Superman suit to his vaccination clinics has given COVID-19 shots to over 15,000 people. However, a different pharmacist dressed as Lex Luthor has vaccinated over 15,000 with a mind control chip.

Ikea introduced a low-cost $55 air purifier, the Ffarrteerasr.

A plane being used for a gender reveal crashed into the ocean in Mexico, killing the pilot and a passenger. The reveal was confusing becuase of the pink dust floating in the blue sea.

Boxer Manny Pacquiao called people attacking Asian-Americans “cowards” and told them to “fight me instead”. A man who assaulted an elderly Chinese woman agreed to fight Pacquiao, and will make $750,000.

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IKEA debuted their Home of Tomorrow concept, envisioning how people will be living in the year 2050, when they finish assembling furniture they bought this week.

Columbus Police Officers subdued a non-violent double-amputee protestor and took off his prosthetic legs. “I’ll take one of those” said the lawyer he later hired to sue the cops.

The Barcelona Opera performed with an audience of 2,300 plants in their theatre’s seats. 1,900 of the plants died of boredom.

Comedian D.L. Hughley tested positive for COVID-19 after collapsing onstage during a performance at Zanies comedy club in Nashville. The club booked Rob Schneider for four shows this weekend to keep people away.

The National Hockey League will begin its Stanley Cup Playoff tournament on July 30th, in hub cities that can still make ice.

Michael Keaton is reportedly in talks to return as Batman in an upcoming movie about The Flash. The story centers around Batman mentoring The Flash during lightning-fast trips to and from the senior center.

A homeowner in Sunbury, PA spray-painted WIGHTE LIVES MATTER on their own picket fence. No charges were filed against the homeowner, Wilma Wighte.

A movement is underway to change the name of The Masters golf tournament, saying it’s rooted in slavery.  Ideas include reverting to its pre-1939 name, Augusta National Invitational, or the less-popular The Supervisors.

The Pennsylvania Board of Cosmetology is rejecting licenses for hair stylists and eyebrow technicians because of past misdemeanor criminal convictions. Residents are urged to keep a clean driving record and not steal if they want to ruin someone’s hair & makeup.

Email software company Boomerang claims emails that close with a “thankful message” are returned at a 36% higher rate. Also, emails that close with “go f*** yourself” are returned at a 98% higher rate.

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Joe Biden swept all seven Democratic presidential primaries on Tuesday, then asked aides if that means he’s president now.

Ivanka Trump carried a handbag to Donald Trump’s controversial church photo op, saying she needed it to hold pepper spray in case her father got too close.

Golf courses are seeing increased use of new single-rider carts like the Finn Scooter, which resemble dirt bikes and help courses enable social distancing. They also make the day more fun when course owners install cool ramps to jump between holes.

Danielle Bregoli, aka Bhad Bhabie, aka the ‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl, has entered rehab. She asks for publicity during this very difficult time.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission will lay off 500 toll collectors. All 500 will have booths installed in their driveways so they can collect unemployment benefits.

Ikea reopened stores in England and Northern Ireland, but long lines forced checkout wait times up to three hours. Workers passed out Allen wrenches so customers could use the time productively.

Google pulled an app that identified and removed other apps developed in China from its Play Store. Users would complain that, once they removed apps developed in China, there was nothing left.

A $5 billion class-action lawsuit claims Google allows tracking of web-browsing data on users in Incognito Mode. The suit was filed by “an anonymous group of a few thousand guys who are pretty sure they got fired for watching porn at work.”

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott pledged $1 million to improve the caliber of police training to address racism and advocacy. In response, Philadelphia Eagles fans raised $1 million to make police officer training worse.

AMC Theaters said in a statement it has “substantial doubt” it can remain in business because of the global pandemic. Bad news for moviegoers, good news for anyone looking to score a used electric leather recliner.

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The University of California system will phase out SAT & ACT test requirements, over claims the tests are biased against minorities and rich white dopes.

Authorities in Delaware arrested a man for the alleged sexual assault of ponies. The case was turned over to SHAVU – Special Horse Assault Victims Unit. [story h/t to N.K.]

A 31-year-old woman claims she and her two young children were ‘hunted’ at a Target location by three men who parked behind her in a windowless van. She then posted safety tips to other young moms who may be Target Targets. 

Some scientists believe strong strains of cannabis can prevent or treat COVID-19. And by “scientists”, they mean guys in their parents garage making a ventilator with a bong attachment. 

Netflix will begin purging subscribers who haven’t used the service in a year. Comcast said they have no similar plans, since they collect millions billing dead people. 

In a Philadelphia suburb, women in a Facebook group ‘Fairy Dust’ each other – leaving anonymous gift bags filled with treats on porches as random acts of kindness. Men can’t participate, after repeated warnings against leaving pics of their Fairy Wand in bags. 

Fitbit launched a COVID-19 early detection study via the Fitbit app. If their tracker detects symptoms, they’re advised to take 10,000 steps toward a hospital. 

IKEA released multiple sets of plans to build homes for bees, to sustain their dwindling populations. They advise patience while the queen bee tells you you’re taking too long to finish making it. 

Crayola released a new 32-crayon ‘Colors Of The World’ box, with shades better representing diverse skin tones of people throughout the world. “Delicious!” said kids. 

Donald Trump complained that Fox News is “doing nothing” to help him get reelected. Meanwhile, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and others are doing their part to help Joe Biden get elected, by not airing quotes from Joe Biden. 

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Russian long-jump silver medalist Darya Klishina revealed she was offered $300,000 a month to become an escort. Klishina declined the offer, and the guy said he’d try his luck with the pole vaulters.

Classic video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater will be rereleased and feature the skate pros at their current ages. The boards will have walkers on the front of them.

At age 13, Isabella Rose Taylor became the youngest fashion designer to have a clothing line at Nordstrom. She’s so young, any guy caught removing one of her dresses from a date faced felony charges.

Ikea released designs for making forts out of their furniture and accessories, leading to dozens of parents suing Ikea after the forts fell on their kids.

Actress and married mom Megan Fox was spotted riding in a car with rapper Machine Gun Kelly, leading to speculation she may be leaving her husband, Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Pea Shooter Green.

A man drove 600 miles from Olympia, Washington to Sacramento, California to get a haircut. By the time he arrived home, he was back on the road for a trim.

Justin Bieber said he wishes he “saved himself” for his wife, Hailey Bieber – but admits that he “spent himself” a thousand or so times.

Buffalo Bills draft pick A.J. Epenesa, a defensive lineman out of Iowa, said that “Buffalo is a lot like Iowa”…insulting both Buffalo, and Iowa.

The NFL is considering awarding improved draft position to teams that hire minority coaching candidates. All 32 teams responded by promoting black athletes to Player/Coach.

PGA superstar Rory McIlroy said that he won’t play golf with Donald Trump again. Trump immediately replied that McIlroy is just angry because he lost.

 

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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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The FBI is warning hackers can exploit vulnerabilities in internet-connected “Smart TVs”. They added that most Americans don’t need to worry because they only watch dumb shows.

‘Van Halen’ is trending on Twitter after singer Billie Eilish told a talk show host she didn’t know who they are. Worse, she did know Van Hagar.

The White House declined Congressional Democrats’ invitation to participate in Impeachment Hearings on Wednesday –  criticizing the process, and adding they conflict with a scheduled appearance of Miss Universe on Fox & Friends.

Melania Trump debuted the White House Christmas decorations in a theme called “The Spirit of America” – it’s a bunch of trees decorated in white trying to keep trees decorated in color outside.

American Airlines grounded a flight out of Florida after a woman faked an illness to get a better seat.  The woman was removed from the flight, and the dog she was sitting next to got the whole crate to himself.

American Hockey League defenseman Josh Healey has developed an app that lets players report abusive coaches and agents anonymously. It also offers tutorials on how to pull their shirt over their head and punch them while on skates.

Ikea is helping to design habitats for future human colonists living on Mars. They figure if they make the furniture even more frustrating to assemble, the colonists will forget they’re living on Mars.

The U.K. Office for National Statistics lowered the life expectancy for babies born in 2019 to 90.6 years, down from 93.6.  They cite overly optimistic prior estimates, and really, really, bad British baby food.

After numerous complaints, Amazon stopped selling Christmas tree ornaments featuring pictures of Auschwitz concentration camp. Your last chance to get one is the White Elephant/Yankee Swap with the racist guy at your office holiday party.

Actress Gabrielle Union claims her contract as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’ wasn’t renewed because producers deemed her hairstyles “too black” and called her “difficult”. She regrets not being there this season to watch people play Yankee Doodle on their armpits and duct-tape their balls to the back of their neck.

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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.