By |

Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

By |

A two alarm fire erupted on the Atlantic City boardwalk at the Resorts Casino. No injuries were reported, and the blaze settled who has Atlantic City’s hottest table games.

A Hawaii woman will have to pay $39,000 to American Airlines after her threats to crew & passengers forced her flight from Honolulu to Phoenix to be diverted. However, American said she’s still invited to apply for an AAdvantage Rewards Credit Card.

Following a high profile meeting between China President Xi Jinping and U.S. President Joe Biden, Biden told reporters he still believes Xi is a “dictator”. Xi did not comment immediately, saying he needed to return to China to dictate his response.

‘The Golden Bachelor‘ moved to the Fantasy Suites portion of the show, where Gerry Turner may choose to sleep with the three finalists before going to bed at 7:30.

Joasia Zakrewski, an ultramarathon runner, was banned from the sport for 12 months after riding in a car for part of a 50-mile race where she finished 3rd. She gave five stars to the Uber driver who picked her up when she was in 12th.

Ridley Scott’s biopic Napoleon debuted to mixed reviews. It’s 158 minutes long, making you wish it was more like Napoloeon – shorter.

A poll of women ages 18-40 say they prefer polite men over guys with a hot physique. So be polite and ask your girlfriend how her day was when she has sex with her personal trainer.

Philadelphia Police posted photos of luggage recovered after being stolen at Philadelphia Airport. Once victims complete a report identifying their bag, a Philadelphia Airport baggage handler can give it back to them in about six hours.

A Texas school board reversed their decision and will allow a transgender student to play the male lead in the high school’s production of Oklahoma! They admit it was a mistake, but doesn’t change how bad he sounds singing O What a Beautiful Mornin’.

Frontier Airlines dropped the price of their all-you-can-fly Go Wild! annual pass to $499 for a limited time. That’s the good news; the bad news is the clothes you’re wearing count as carry-ons that cost $99/flight. [Story h/t to JL]

By |

Ruben Flowers, Jr., a retiring 31-year veteran Southwest Airlines pilot, took to the cockpit one final time. Only he was paired with his 29-year-old son, Ruben Flowers III, as co-pilot for the first time. Southwest Airlines then cancelled the flight.

Usher will perform at the next Super Bowl Halftime Show. Other Ushers will perform for $14/hour.

A Russian admiral believed to have been killed in a Ukrainian assault on the Black Sea was put on camera on Russian TV to prove he survived. He’ll star in a new Russian made-for-tv movie, ‘Weekend At Sokolov’s’.

Joe Biden traveled to Michigan to walk the picket line with striking workers in a show of union solidarity. “Let’s get you guys back to Hollywood writing movies!” he said to the GM employees.

ArtificiaI intelligence ‘girlfriends’ are growing in popularity, as awkward & isolated young men seek companionship. Although health experts warn of serious depression as AI girlfriends become smarter and dump the guys that downloaded them.

Rite Aid plans to close hundreds of stores as part of a plan to emerge from bankruptcy. Although Rite Aid loyalty program customers were notified that clearance pricing on opioids is not part of the plan.

USA Pickleball, the sport’s governing body, is working on “quiet” initiatives to address complaints from people living near courts, who say the sport generates too much noise from the paddles hitting the ball, and ambulances arriving to treat elderly players.

Charlie Woods won a junior golf tournament in Florida with dad Tiger Woods caddying. The elder Woods then celebrated by treating 14-year-old Charlie to his first-ever restaurant hostess.

Tickets from Ford’s Theater on the night of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination sold at auction for $262,500 – $375,000 including Ticketmaster fees.

SAG-AFTRA authorized a strike against actors providing their likeness and voices in video games. They’re demanding higher wages & benefits for getting repeatedly killed and saying ‘Game Over’.

By |

A ‘Price is Right’ contestant dislocated his shoulder while celebrating a game win. During the next round of bidding, a woman in a tight dress pointed at the shoulder and four contestants guessed how much surgery would cost to fix it.

Searchers continue to try and locate the OceanGate submersible craft that disappeared on a dive to view the wreck of the Titanic. Meanwhile, hungry sharks are searching the kitchen of the Titanic for a can opener.

Singing star Adele threatened to cancel her purchase of Sylvester Stallone’s mansion unless she was able to keep a Rocky statue by the pool. However, she had the Tango & Cash statues tossed in the garbage.

Broward County, Florida issued a warning after sightings of giant African land snails, an invasive species that can ruin buildings and infect humans with meningitis. Governor Ron Desantis forbids schools to teach students how the snails got to Florida from Africa.

Taylor Swift announced international dates for her Eras Tour in 2024. Ticketmaster looks forward to gouging fans in a dozen different foreign currencies.

Legal experts say abortion bans could be reversed or bypassed if those seeking abortions say the bans violate their religious freedom. Boyfriends and husbands say they, too, became deeply religious when they found out their partners were pregnant.

Joe Biden & White House staff are meeting regularly to formulate a nationwide artificial intelligence policy – then letting it run the country if he’s reelected.

Following her New York show where she was hit in the face by a smartphone, singer Bebe Rexha performed in Philadelphia, telling the crowd “no phones in the face, thank God!” Her appreciative Philly fans responded by throwing batteries.

Porn star Moriah Mills is threatening to share video of her having sex with her ex, NBA star Zion Williamson. The footage of 6’6″ Williamson and 43-24-44 Mills really shows off the iPhone 14 Pro’s cinematic wide screen feature.

Stephen F. Austin University assistant women’s bowling coach Steve Lemke was fired after admitting to an affair with a student athlete on the team. Lemke’s wife Amber is the team’s head coach, but he still decided to pick up a spare.

By |

President Joe Biden was heckled by Republican lawmakers during his State Of The Union address – once when suggesting the GOP wants to end Social Security & Medicare, and again when he asked “anybody here from out of town?”

A Pennsylvania court ruled the state’s public school funding system unconstitutional, saying lower-income districts aren’t adequately funded because of lower property tax revenue. No solution was given, but ideas include a sales tax on prostitution, and collecting a $50 fee for carjacking licenses.

TSA agents at Philadelphia Airport stopped a man with a loaded handgun and dozens of bullets in his carry-on bag. Then they realized he was ticketed on Spirit Airlines and allowed him to proceed.

A former American Idol contestant started a class-action lawsuit claiming she, and other, contestants were paid nothing for eight consecutive 15-hour days of work. So far, the plaintiff class has 400 former participants, but not William Hung or the ‘Pants On The Ground’ guy.

Zoom is laying off 1,500 employees. Terminated workers were notified twice – the first time the human resources person was on mute.

A former Victoria’s Secret store manager said they’re not allowed to confront shoplifters. The policy is for their own safety, and because of lawsuits when managers wrongly demanded shoppers hand over their underwear.

Retired porn star Ron Jeremy was committed to a California state mental hospital, after being declared f*ckin’ nuts.

Animal welfare officials in Nevada found a domesticated dog had been taken in and cared for by a pack of coyotes. The dog is now at a local animal hospital and listed in stable condition after treatment for falling anvil and jet pack injuries.

19-year-old Eden Polani, rumored to be dating 48-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio, deleted her Instagram account. She is reportedly upset with the backlash over comments from her 230,000 followers, most of whom are also 40+ creeps but with less money.

A toddler had to be rescued after her head became stuck in an angel food cake pan. The pan was cut free, and her face was iced down because the cake hadn’t cooled yet.

By |

One Florida teenager died after at least two teens took turns shooting at each other while they wore body armor. In other news, Ollie’s Bargain Outlet has temporarily discontinued sales of body armor.

Adidas terminated its partnership with Kanye West over his antsemitic remarks. West said that, in addition to Parler, he’ll buy the rights to, and reopen, Payless Shoe Source.

WhatsApp suffered a serious outage on Tuesday, as technicians worked feverishly to restore users ability to send and receive encrypted nude photos.

Real estate site Point2 claims there are only four cities in the U.S. where the average American can afford a ‘starter home’: Detroit; Memphis; Tulsa; and Oklahoma City. Point2 admits they could probably afford North Dakota, but admit nobody really wants to live there.

A global helium shortage threatens the viability of MRIs, which need liquid helium to cool the magnets inside. Doctors say they’re prepared with a tried-and-true backup plan: unnecessary surgery.

President Joe Biden tweeted the federal deficit was reduced by $1.4 trillion, so maybe he’ll get Ukraine those guided missile defense systems for Christmas, after all!

A Michigan man was arrested and charged after a TikTok video showed him abusing a child. People who watched the video were then served up 50 more videos of other people hurting children.

Utah recorded their first human-caused avalanche of the year in the Wasatch Mountain Range. This followed several avalanches caused by coyotes hoping to kill birds using Acme-brand detonators.

A German doctor was ordered to pay the $13,000 medical costs of a woman who overdosed and died after he covered his penis in cocaine before she performed oral sex. The doctor argued he should only pay $12,965 dollars since the woman hadn’t made her copay.

Five tourists were stuck in Grand Canyon Caverns for 26 hours when an elevator used to exit the caverns stopped working. They said it wouldn’t have been so bad, but the mules they rode to the bottom were in the elevator with them.

By |

Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

By |

Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

By |

79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

By |

A high school in a Philadelphia suburb mistakenly received a FedEx shipment of guns. The guns were forwarded to their rightful owner, but teachers held them and are kind of on board with guns in classrooms now.

Scientists say cooked mealworms have a meat-like flavor that could be added to fast food as a source of protein. “Way ahead of you” said the head chef at McDonald’s test kitchens.

Elon Musk is being criticized for using a private jet for a 9-minute flight from San Jose to San Francisco, a distance of 35 miles. Musk said he and a woman on board wanted to join the Quarter-Mile High Club.

A woman sued her psychiatrist for approving her gender transition to male after just one meeting. The woman no longer considers herself a man, but the psychiatrist still thinks she’s a dick.

Astronomers discovered a black hole so gaseous that it actually emitted noise in space. NASA plans to name the black hole, creating a bidding war betweeen Chipotle and Arby’s

An Oklahoma teacher was suspended after sharing a link to access books banned in her district via an online library. She plans a vigorous defense, that most of her students in Oklahoma can’t read anyway.

Sylvester Stallone’s wife filed for divorce. She requested half of marital assets, and to never have to watch Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot or Over The Top ever again.

The Hills star Kristin Cavallari admitted to fans via Instagram that she got a breast lift after feeding her three kids. She said her ex-husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – gripping them like a football didn’t help matters either.

Joe Biden announced $10,000 in student loan cancellation, delighting graduates who can now default on $10,000 less debt.

‘Long Hots & Sharp Provolone’ is the winner of the ‘Flavored By Philly’ potato chip flavoring contest sponsored by regional chip maker Herr’s. It was selected as the flavor best representing Philly, narrowly edging out Fentanyl.