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A Philadelphia man was arrested for selling homemade dynamite used in multiple ATM burglaries. He charged $300 for a dozen dynamite sticks, plus a $4/stick service fee.

Drew Brees issued a lengthy apology for the insensitivity of his comments regarding kneeling protests, and hoped his negro and colored friends would forgive him.

Nevada police charged several far-right ‘Boogaloo’ extremists – white men intent on starting a new civil war – with terror and weapons crimes. No word if cops tasered the men to disrupt their plans, which would be Electric Boogaloo Breakin’.

A hidden feature in Google Maps lets you tell friends exactly where you are. Right now, everyone’s phone is set to My House.

JCPenney announced the 154 stores that will close this summer. Store closing sales start June 12th. Customers are asked to wear masks so no one knows they still shop at JCPenney .

The Washington Post analyzed Jeff Bezos’ personal charitable giving and determined his donations equate to $85 from the average American. Worse, the donations were in Amazon gift cards.

Following Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski’s criticism of Donald Trump, he promised to endorse any GOP opposition candidate if they “have a pulse”. Since Trump now requires a pulse for endorsements, many wondered if he still endorsed Mitch McConnell.

Kylie Jenner topped Forbes list of the highest-earning celebrities. Asked to comment, Jenner said she doesn’t read magazines for bees.

A viral video shows a Maryland man on a bike stealing signs from a young girl trying to commemorate George Floyd, then using his bike to run at her friends. He vowed to return to get the girl and her little dog, too.

The May unemployment rate fell to 13.3% as several states reopened, surprising economists who attributed the good news to asymptomatic coronavirus carriers happily returning to work.

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Scientists say up to a million seabirds were killed by a “blob” of warm water in the Northeast Pacific Ocean.  A family of whales apologized, but said they all really needed to piss.

The man who “took out” an active shooter with his own gun at a North Texas Church is being recognized with the state’s Medal Of Courage.  Then, next Sunday, he’ll give parishioners a free show shooting tin cans off of Jesus’ head and outstretched hands.

At the Singapore Motor Show, a custom Subaru was on display as the Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. Subaru denied involvement with the name, while adding that – because it’s a Special edition – they only have so many F.U.C.K.S. to sell. [story h/t to J.O.]

The FDA approved a Philadelphia company’s cocaine-based drug, Numbrino, which is to be used as a painkiller for nasal surgery. The FDA added that they’re not crazy about the drug being sold by pharmacists in restrooms of Philadelphia bars.

An eating disorders specialist who weighed 325 pounds lost 175 pounds through bariatric surgery and cutting out sugar. She said that she feels much better, and that her clients don’t roll their eyes behind her back as much.

Joyce Churchwell, an Oklahoma teacher and volleyball coach, was arrested for allegedly having a threesome with a male high school student and another adult female. The student described the encounter as “a lot of bumping and spiking.”

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are being sued for stealing copyrighted lace designs from company Klauber Brothers Inc, and using them in their ‘Kylie + Kendall’ lingerie products.  Klauber Brothers claims that if there’s one thing NBA athletes and rappers care about when they’re tearing off lingerie, it’s unique lace.

Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, an Arizona Democrat, is entering a treatment program for alcohol dependence. She’s the only thing in Arizona that isn’t dry.

In a rare political ritual, members of the U.S. House of Representatives walked the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump to the U.S. Senate. The Senate took possession of them, then walked around looking for the intern who knows how to use the Scan function on the copier.

Dog walking is emerging as a highly popular and lucrative ‘side hustle’, with owners paying $20 to $30 for a 30-minute walk. Experts warn that some dog walkers will try to cut the half-hour short by using Snausages with Laxatives.

 

 

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The FDA approved Ubrelvy,  the first-of-its-kind drug that promises immediate symptom relief for migraines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t also put her in the mood.

A foreclosed 10-bedroom mansion in Auburn, New York was being offered by the city for just $50,000. However, buyers had to submit a full restoration plan as part of the purchase. The city started evaluating bids by eliminating restoration plans that started with dynamite.

Tesla will start delivery of its first Model 3 electric cars made in China. So far the number one requested option is removal of the large Made in China sticker on the trunk.

Thousands of unsold cut Christmas trees are repurposed after the holidays, used on beaches to limit sand erosion and eaten by goats or other livestock. One problem, however, is keeping the tree-eating livestock from being swept to sea at high tide.

The FDA officially raised the minimum age to buy tobacco products from 18 to 21. The shift has already caused one 19-year-old to lose his job as the Young Marlboro Man.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick ‘True to 7’ sneaker sold out within minutes of being listed for sale in the Nike app. The shoes are expected to become sought-after collector’s items, or the official footwear of people who can’t get a job.

January’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is expected to be a huge showcase for the Google Assistant. Google will showcase the utility of the Assistant in Las Vegas, as thousands of visitors ask “Hey Google, where can I get drugs and hookers?”

Russia is reportedly in the final stages of building its own self-contained Internet. They plan to test its effectiveness by seeing how well it can screw up local elections.

A woman traveling with an abusive man was aided by McDonald’s employees after she mouthed “help me” at the drive-thru window, alerting police who arrested him. The restaurant manager said they see several drive-thru customers say “help me” every day, but that they’re usually heart attacks or strokes.

Kylie Jenner was slammed on social media for giving her one-year-old daughter Stormi a diamond ring for Christmas, then posting a photo of her wearing it. She deleted that photo, and posted a different photo of the family looking for the ring after Stormi ate it.

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Colin Kaepernick held his own workout for NFL teams after the league-sponsored workout fell through. Kaepernick objected to a liability waiver requested by the NFL, and that his audition include a song & dance number to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Golfer Russell Henley was penalized 8 strokes by the PGA Tour for violating the ‘one ball rule’ – using two different varieties of ball in the same round. Tour officials said he should have known he played four holes with a lacrosse ball.

Doyle’s Cafe, one of Boston’s longest-operating Irish bars, closed after 137 years. A young boy played bagpipes as patrons gathered together to listen and have one last drunken fistfight.

Former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said popular cannabis derivative CBD is unsafe and that its benefits are unproven. He made these remarks during his keynote address at OxyContinFest.

Two yachts worth $20 million were destroyed by fire in Fort Lauderdale. Florida firefighters fought the blaze with sandbags to sink them.

Safety experts warn that hackers use public USB phone-recharging stations to install identity-stealing malware, in a process called “juice-jacking”. They say this isn’t to be confused with the other juice-jacking, where grade school bullies beat up kids for their Capri Sun.

Bud Light is launching its own line of of fruit-flavored hard seltzer. It’s just regular Bud Light with different Starbursts smooshed into the can.

Victoria’s Secret model Devon Windsor got married over the weekend. She walked down the aisle twenty times in the same wedding dress, but with different sets of underwear.

Kylie Jenner modeled a pair of trendy $840 high-heeled “thong sandals”, then complained that the shoes were making her crotch hurt.

Two chemistry professors at Henderson State University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas face charges of producing methamphetamine. They’re expected to mount an aggressive defense, that meth-cooking is the only chemistry anyone in Arkansas wants to learn.

 

 

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A flight attendant is accusing two Southwest Airlines pilots of placing a hidden camera in an onboard lavatory and watching it on a cockpit iPad. She said she was instructed to let them know when passengers with seatbelt extenders got up so they could shut it off.

Researchers found that police and doctors are each getting less and less sleep. Said the lead researcher “cops are up late shooting people and doctors are up late fixing ’em up.”

Katie Hill, the first openly bisexual member of Congress, resigned amidst allegations of inappropriate relationships with staffers. Hill called resigning “the hardest thing I have ever had to do” a claim disputed the other members of a three-way she was in.

President Trump attended Game 5 of the World Series, and is already being sued for failing to pay for his ticket.

Celebrity chef Jose Garces threw out the first pitch of Game 5, after a half-hour wait.

Two Instagram models were caught during Game 5 flashing their breasts as Houston Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole was starting to throw a pitch. The women were banned from future games, and given a free week at the Trump International Hotel in D.C.

Kylie Jenner dressed her daughter Stormi as “Kylie Jenner” for Halloween. She said the hardest part was finding a doctor to inject lip filler into an 18-month-old.

One of the rarest Pokemon cards in existence sold at auction for $195,000. The card may be relisted after it was found the high bidder was two 9-year-olds stacked undgiveer a trenchcoat wearing a moustache and a fedora.

Jeff Bezos title of World’s Richest Man is reportedly at risk, due to the U.S. Government awarding a $10 billion contract to Microsoft – and because of Bezos ex-wife and current girlfriend deciding to go shopping together.

An off-duty NYPD cop arrived at home after midnight to find his wife with her personal trainer. The cop shot him after the trainer counted off 100 push-ups.

 

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A former Drexel University professor spent $189,000 in federal grant money at Philadelphia strip clubs and sports bars. He was fired, but not before submitting his final research paper, ‘How $189,000 Will Still Not Get You Laid At Strip Clubs’. [story h/t to A.O.]

A 44-year-old woman gymnast from Uzbekistan is waiting to see if she qualifies for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. If her scores are good enough, then she waits to see if her fiber supplement is taken off the banned substances list.

Toys R Us is partnering with Target to launch a new toy shopping website. Since Toys R Us has no physical stores, toddlers and other small children are adjusting to throwing temper tantrums in front of a laptop or tablet.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first plus-size lingerie model, size 14 Ali Tate-Cutler. Cutler will model lingerie made in larger sizes, featuring the first bras and panties with pockets for snacks.

Ellen Degeneres is facing criticism for attending a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush, including the risk of crashing Twitter under a tsunami of “Ellen likes Bush” jokes.

The Centers for Disease Control warned an American Airlines flight attendant may have exposed passengers to Hepatitis A – creating the fifth-most severe health risk faced by passengers on American Airlines flights.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz said that the Trump Impeachment Inquiry is a “Kangaroo Court” and that Democrat Adam Schiff is leading it like a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. Said Captain Kangaroo from beyond the grave “I didn’t know I was a Congressman.”

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reportedly broke up because she wanted a second child together, and he did not want a seventh child.

Major League Baseball is sponsoring a Junior Home Run Derby, so kids can have another way to disappoint their Dads outside of Little League.

Rob Gronkowski is joining Fox Sports as an NFL Football analyst – to the delight of viewers who think halftime and postgame highlights shows are just too darned complicated.

 

 

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An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.

 

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Gayle King interviewed R. Kelly for CBS, the same week her friend Oprah Winfrey interviewed men who allege sexual abuse by Michael Jackson. The phrase “girrll pleeeease” is expected to be said several times when King & Winfrey meet up.

A North Carolina artist reimagined Disney Princesses as modern-day adults with careers. For instance, Mulan is a Title IX lawyer, Sleeping Beauty is a coffee company CEO, and Ariel is a pop star/record producer navigating the sexist music industry where men want to play her scales.

An anonymous winner claimed the largest U.S. lottery prize in history, an $878 million Mega Millions jackpot. As a resident of South Carolina, the winner plans to invest the funds in the world’s largest backyard above-ground pool and trampoline.

President Trump called Jay Barrett of West Haven, Connecticut, a Trump supporter reportedly on his death bed, who wanted to talk to the President before he died. The White House was praised for its response, and for its savvy filtering out dying citizens who also want to speak to Trump to tell him to f**k off once before they go.

Forbes Magazine declared cosmetics mogul Kylie Jenner the youngest-ever “self-made billionaire”, followed by intense debate regarding how much of Kylie’s wealth is self-made, and how much is implants.

Women alleging sexual assault at properties promoted by Trip Advisor claim that, when they complained, Trip Advisor told them to mention the sexual assault in “negative reviews”. Most of the women were angered by the advice, though some complied with reviews like “Almost Died, But Soft, Plentiful Towels”.

Oscar winner Rami Malek is rumored to be the villain in the 25th James Bond film. Few details are available, although the villain is said to speak in an emotionless monotone that bores people to death.

Fitbit introduced new, less-expensive wearable fitness trackers, as part of its ongoing effort to be more cost-competitive with cheeseburgers.

Team Brad Rutter won the $1 million grand prize in Jeopardy’s All-Star Team Challenge, as America welcomes the return of traditional Jeopardy!, where you can make fun of contestants who you think might actually be dumber than you.

Family Dollar plans to close 400 stores. Sales failed to meet forecasts due to a declining trend in depressing children’s birthday parties in the Deep South.