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A tractor trailer carrying Bud Light overturned on a Kentucky highway, with thousands of cans of beer tossed on to the shoulder. Wildlife officials upgraded warnings about rabid raccoons to rabid and intoxicated.

90s rock festival Flannel Nation was cancelled after several bands who’d scheduled appearances – including Everclear, Candlebox, & Filter – withdrew. “Where is everybody?” asked Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath, who showed up.

Arnaud Jerald, a French free diver, broke the world record for an equipment-free deep dive by descending 393 feet, holding his breath for 3 minutes & 34 seconds. Jerald attributed his success to waiting a half-hour after his lunch before entering the water.

Pew Research Group claims in a new study that only 32% of teens aged 13-17 use Facebook. Moms of the other 68% remain angry their kids never Like their hilarious cat memes.

A Trump supporter was gunned down by police in an Ohio cornfield during a standoff after attempting to enter the Cincinnati FBI office with an assault rifle. Americans agree this was more exciting cornfield action than the Field Of Dreams game.

Scientists studied the intestinal contractions of the bare-nosed wombat and now understand why their poop is shaped like a cube – so they can build really terrible places to live.

A rollercoaster crash at Legoland in Germany injured at least 34 people. First responders said the hardest part was separating the injured riders from the pegs in their buttocks holding them in place.

A hologram of the late Harry Caray sang ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ at the Field Of Dreams game. Overlooked was the revelation that someone finally figured out how to get a hologram drunk.

Reports state the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago looking for classified documents related to nuclear secrets. Trump denied having nuclear documents, saying if he did, he’d have radiation poisoning by now!

Johnson & Johnson will stop selling talcum-based baby powder in 2023. Crayola announced the introduction of sidewalk chalk baby powder in 2024.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.

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A Seventh Day Adventist Pastor in The Bronx told parishioners women must submit to their husbands, and told husbands “the best person to rape is your wife”. Those in attendance questioned the need for a sermon at the kickoff for the church’s Holiday Bake Sale.

Philadelphia, which is approaching 500 homicide deaths in 2021, is calling for a Homicide Free Thanksgiving. But they promise to make it up to residents with an upcoming ’12 Days Of Homicide’ Christmas promotion.

Kyle Rittenhouse visited Donald Trump at Mar-A-Lago, but said if he wanted to eat Big Macs and watch Fox News, he could have just stayed home.

A 45-year-old man in Moradabad, India – declared dead after being hit by a motorcycle – was found alive after 7 hours in a morgue freezer. He was listed in critical condition following treatment on ‘defrost’ in a morgue microwave.

Apple delayed the rollout of its ‘Digital Drivers License’ feature – where you can add your license to Apple Wallet – until “early 2022”. On the bright side, teenagers can use Apple’s new ‘Digital Fake ID’ feature immediately.

Rolls-Royce claims to have developed the world’s fastest all-electric aircraft, reaching over 387 mph before crashing into a Tesla recharging station at an A-Plus Mini-Mart.

Scientists were stunned to find a 10,000-year-old mammoth tusk at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean, adding that the tusk was incredibly well-preserved, as was the note telling the mammoth it failed its junior lifeguard exam.

A bizarre species of tropical bees, known as “vulture bees”, forego pollen and eat meat from dead animal carcasses instead. Vulture bees were discovered when South American beekeepers opened hives and found Slim Jims instead of honey.

Dick Vitale returned to courtside for ESPN, calling the NCAA basketball game between Gonzaga and UCLA while he continues treatment for lymphoma. Vitale cried when he was introduced, causing millions of viewers to temporarily unmute their TVs.

Steve Burton, 51, an actor on ‘General Hospital’ for the last 30 years, was fired for refusing to get COVID-19 vaccines, and that he’d take his chances at Actual Hospital.

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A ‘Captain Underpants’ spin-off book will no longer be published by Scholastic for what’s been described as ‘passive racism’. They’ll also stop publishing ‘Captain Adult Incontinence Underpants’ books because of ‘active ageism’.

The United States Men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the Summer Olympics. The good news is the money it saves will be used to fund a bake sale the Women’s soccer team needs to raise money for their airfare to Tokyo.

Boston Dynamics showed off ‘Stretch’, its new multi-tentacled warehouse robot. Stretch failed its first shift in a Amazon warehouse after shooting oil into an empty soda bottle and melting it.

NASA determined a 1000-foot wide asteroid, Apophis 99942, is not a risk to strike earth for at least a century. “I’m still concerned” said an extremely fit 2-year-old.

A mafia fugitive from Italy was apprehended in the Dominican Republic after he & his wife posted Italian cooking videos on YouTube. He was charged in Italy with several counts of kidnapping, drug trafficking, and using canned tomatoes to make gravy.

Google is adding augmenteed reality features to Google Maps, to help guide you through public indoor spaces like airports, malls & train stations. Google believes it will vastly improve the efficiency of public restroom hookups and drug deals.

Texas launched a COVID-19 vaccine appointment scheduler, and a message board where anti-vaxx Texas knuckleheads can make fun of the people signing up.

Kendall Jenner increased security at her home after a discovering a nude man swimming in her pool who was not an active NBA player.

A new list highlights the most popular cocktail during the pandemic in each U.S. state. In California it’s a Paloma, in Florida it’s a Pina Colada, and in New York it’s whatever helps you forget being kissed by Governor Cuomo.

Donald Trump interrupted a wedding reception at Mar-A-Lago, where he spoke for over two minutes bashing Joe Biden. He would have kept going, except he spotted a piece of wedding cake bigger than all of the others.

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NASA’s Pereseverance rover successfully landed on Mars, where it was promptly roverjacked, forced to drive to an ATM to withdraw money and stripped for parts. NASA believes there may, indeed, be life on Mars.

Two women were arrested for an incident at an Atlanta AMC movie theater, when one of them shot a woman who shushed them. Police identified the couple from surveillance footage of them buying popcorn and bullets at the concession stand.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz returned from Cancun after public outrage for his abandoning Texas during their storm crisis. Texas’ other Senator, John Cornyn, could not be reached for comment while he remained on a sex tour of Thailand.

Former Trump ally-turned-critic Nikki Haley reportedly asked for a meeting with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago, but was turned down. Conflicting reports claim Trump agreed to the meeting, but insisted it happen in a hot tub.

A former 60 Minutes producer claims Ghislaine Maxwell admitted video exists of Donald Trump and Bill Clinton engaged in sexual activity at Epstein properties, but she “doesn’t know where they are”, except the ones shown at Mar-a-Lago Member Movie Night.

A white man from Tennessee was arrested for using former President Obama’s name and presidential seal on a handgun permit application. Cops grew suspicious when he entered the full name as The Rock Obama.

A new study claims Neanderthals were wiped out 42,000 years ago, from a climate crisis caused by a reversal of the Earth’s magnetic poles. “Yeah, bullsh*t” said velociraptors.

Retired MLB All-Star Johnny Damon was charged with DUI in Florida. Damon’s blood alcohol content of .200 was over twice the legal limit, but still got him dropped to eighth in the batting order.

$23,000 raised in a GoFundMe for ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ Tessica Brown is under investigation to ensure the money is directed properly. Until then, it’s stuck.

Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz teamed up to say they’re being fraudulent used as endorsers of CBD Oil products. They reemphasized their endorsements are exclusive to psychiatric quackery and miraculous cures like acai & green coffee bean extract.

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New Jersey enacted a law requiring all police officers wear body cameras. Then they passed another law requiring the cameras be worn with the lens facing outward.

Secret Service agents are reportedly being asked if they would consider transferring to Mar-A-Lago after January 20th. “Do we have to guard him too?” asked several candidates.

Dave Chappelle convinced Netflix to remove Chappelle’s Show from the service because he doesn’t collect royalties from it. Netflix also removed Rob Schneider’s comedy special – not because Schneider asked, but because it’s the right thing to do.

Jersey Shore’s Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and his wife are expecting a baby, ‘The Accident’.

Donald Trump plans to attend a Pennsylvania State Legislature hearing in Gettysburg on the state’s election processes at 12:30pm. Then he’ll ask for the Gettysburg Address of the nearest McDonald’s.

A mysterious metal monolith was found in a remote part of the Utah desert. Its purpose and origin were unknown until a jackrabbit came along and recharged his cell phone with it.

Joe Biden will address the nation on Thanksgiving about the alarming rise in COVID-19 cases, then flip a switch that lights a christmas tree and keeps his pacemaker running.

Thousands of prisoners in California State Penitentiaries received fraudulent claims for unemployment benefits, costing the state $20 million. The good news is the high-quality ingredients they purchased made 2020’s toilet wine the best vintage ever.

Scotland became the first country to require free menstrual products in public facilities nationwide. The costs to the nation are expected to be offset by an economic boom in tennis, horseback riding and bicycling.

The audio book for Alex Trebek’s memoir ‘The Answer Is..Reflections on My Life‘ was snubbed by the Grammys in the Best Spoken Word Album category. Grammy officials said the title was not submitted in the form of a question.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

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Over 100,000 personal & financial records stolen from convenience store chain Wawa have been found for sale on the so-called ‘Dark Web’. Criminals can choose to buy lists four inches, six inches, or a foot long.

The White House is seeking to block the release of a new book by former national security adviser John Bolton, saying it contains highly classified information. They say classified info needs to be confined to secure locations like the Oval Office and the Mar-A-Lago dining room.

A jet carrying 201 Americans returning from Wuhan, China arrived in Southern California, after all on board passed health screenings and agreed to temporary quarantine. Asked what was the worst part of the flight, several passengers said “all of the emotional support chickens.”

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol found the longest illegal drug tunnel ever, connecting Tijuana and San Diego. It had elevators, electricity, a ventilation system and – most surprisingly – EZ Pass.

Two ‘dead’ satellites, a space telescope launched in the 80s and an Air Force comms satellite from the 60s, may collide in low Earth orbit at 17,000 miles per hour. It’s the first time two things that old slammed into each other that hard since Singles Night at the retirement home.

The Inouye Solar Telescope in Hawaii is taking some of the most detailed, close-up images of the surface of the Sun ever seen. They’re currently being viewed by the National Science Foundation, then they’ll be uploaded to Trip Advisor.

Bill Gates’ daughter Jennifer Gates announced her engagement to competitive equestrian Nayel Nassar. A wedding date was not announced, pending completion of Jennifer’s prenup with Nassar and his horse.

Nine-year-old Louisiana boy Tate Fegley weighs 103 pounds, but can deadlift more than twice his weight. He broke a state record, and received a sponsorship from Huggies Pull-Ups.

India reported its first case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus. Said the Indian Surgeon General “just put it on the list”.

A new report says that Amazon’s Ring security cameras share personal information with Facebook. Authors of the report cited numerous instances where the camera shared images of women in their underwear with the Wow! emoji.

 

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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.