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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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Jury selection begins today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. Seating the jury could take up to two weeks while they whittle down all of the candidates who ask for selfies and autographs.

Lori & George Schappell, the world’s oldest living conjoined twins, passed away at age 62. Memorial services are planned as soon as the family is done fighting with the funeral director over a 2-for-1 discount.

Roly Poly Bakery in Connecticut recalled their multigrain bread after officials issued a threat-to-life warning because it failed to list eggs as an ingredient. A grade school student who go a liverwurst sandwich made with the bread in his lunch issued their own threat-to-life warning to the parent who made it.

A&E Network premiered docuseries ‘Secrets of the Hells Angels’, detailing life inside the biker gang. The show promises to reveal innerworkings of criminal activity, initiation, and gang rituals – but unfortunately not their prize-winning chili recipe.

Scientists identified three previously-unknown species of ancient kangaroo, including one over 6 feet 6 inches tall. They were identified by skeletal remains and well-preserved basketball jerseys.

Gwen Stefani reunited with No Doubt to play Coachella on Saturday. The band was joined by pop superstar Olivia Rodrigo, and joined at other points by guys to deflect projectiles in case Stefani tried singing country songs she wrote with Blake Shelton.

New Apple Watch data finds it takes the average person 334 days to walk the equivalent of a marathon. Erroneous Apple Watch data also finds chronic masturbators complete a marathon every day.

CBS’ Sunday night telecast of Billy Joel’s 100th concert at Madison Square Garden started late, and was cut off in progress as CBS affiliate stations switched to local news at 11p – leaving many viewers angry at not knowing who started the fire.

MTV is reportedly cancelling reality show ‘Siesta Key’ after 5 seasons, saying now it’s just ‘Siesta’.

A New York woman, Sandra Weir, works as a ‘wedding nanny’ – reception guests leave their children with her while they party. She charges one fee for watching the kids, and a second fee for returning them after the parents get loaded and leave without them.

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X, formerly Twitter, is trialing Adult Content Communities. This comes on the heels of their success with Racist Communities, Election Denier Communities, and Failed Entertainer Communities.

A female DJ who claims she was shamed on a Delta Airlines flight for not wearing a bra hired a lawyer and is demanding a meeting with the CEO. The CEO declined the meeting, saying, her breasts aren’t big enough.

In anticipation of the full solar eclipse, Internet crooks are selling fake eclipse glasses. Experts warn that you can tell they’re fake because they charge extra for bifocals.

A Florida 10-year-old sold a handgun to a classmate for $300, then set a single day spending record at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, released from prison after serving time for the murder of her abusive mother, separated from the husband she married while incarcerated, saying she felt trapped.

Dollar Tree announced the maximum price of items for sale in its stores will increase to $7. This is expected to create thousands of jobs for employees who can help customers count to 7.

Viral video shows a man diving out of the way of a spinning blade that detached from a concrete saw at a nearby construction site and traveled across a parking lot. Unfortunately, the old lady walking across the lot wasn’t as quick.

Oprah shared a video explaining why she turned to weight loss drugs. After a lot of hooey about personal struggles, it came down to two factors: 1) they work; 2) she’s a billionaire.

New York City formally approved a $15 congestion pricing toll for cars entering lower Manhattan. The law now requires the approval of carjackers to refund the $15 for the vehicles they steal.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and new wife Theresa Nist are married, but reportedly living in separate states. They say the biggest challenge is neither of them knowing how to work Facetime for cybersex.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Amsterdam to Detroit turned around after maggots fell from an overhead bin on to passengers. The maggots were reportedly eating rotting fish, included in their Economy Plus fare.

Billboard compiled their list of the Top 50 Love Songs of All Time, topped by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross’ 1981 duet ‘Endless Love‘. They ranked the songs based on sales and chart ranking, and started by eliminating songs containing ‘ho’ and ‘b*tch’.

The stainless steel bodies of new Tesla Cybertrucks are already rusting. Owners complain the $80,000 trucks are refusing to drive themselves in the rain.

Many purchasers of Apple’s $3,499 Vision Pro virtual reality headset are returning them, complaining of headaches, eye strain, and the virtual sex being not-so-great.

Vladimir Putin mocked Tucker Carlson’s ‘soft’ questions during their two-hour interview. Carlson defended the interview, saying Americans have every right to know Putin’s favorite color is red.

Producers of ‘Young Sheldon’ say the series final season will contain multiple ‘Big Bang Theory’ Easter Eggs – meaning the use of an excessively loud laugh track for the first time.

New data finds the average New York City apartment renter pays over $10,000 in upfrtont costs just to secure an apartment. The total includes a security deposit, first month’s rent, brokers fees, and protection money to the rats.

Usher got married in Las Vegas the day after the Super Bowl to longtime girlfriend Jennifer Goicoechea. Usher met Goicoechea after ending his relationship with Gonorrhea.

Sean Evans, host of the popular ‘Hot Ones’ wing-eating podcast, reportedly broke up with porn star girlfriend Melissa Stratton. Evans said he thought he should see other people, and that she should see several other people in an afternoon.

80% of Americans test positive for chlormequat, a pesticide found in Cheerios that can cause delayed puberty. Parents should get their child tested if they’re still eating Cheerios off a high chair tray at age 15.

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Gen Z is reportedly embracing physical books & libraries to escape the stresses of the digital world. This is confirmed by a surge in young men & women posting nude selfies to their Tinder profiles while reading books.

Donald Trump confused 7 Eleven and 9/11 during a speech. He then doubled down, saying he’ll never forget or forgive that they don’t have a Diet Coke Slurpee.

Jen Pawol could become the first woman to umpire 2024 regular season games for Major League Baseball. She’ll work Spring Training games, where she’ll become the first umpire to argue with players and managers by not speaking to them.

A passenger on a Lufthansa flight died after other passengers reported ‘liters of blood’ “gushing” from his nose & mouth. His family is demanding answers and a refund of the $20 in-flight snack box he ate before the incident.

The Church of Scientology and supporters of Jesus both aired Super Bowl ads, in hopes of attracting worshippers who no longer believe in Bud Light.

A new book claims James Gandolfini was unreliable while shooting the final two seasons of ‘The Sopranos’ due to “excesses of consumption”. Gandolfini acknowledged his unprofessional behavior, but never sought treatment for gabbagool dependency.

Shoshanna Lefler, 37 – a teacher at Manhattan’s prestigious High School for Health Careers & Sciences – resigned after video captured her going into a locked bathroom with a 17-year-old male student then handing him a wad of cash. No one believed her when she said the money was for the Scholastic Book Fair.

ABC announced The Golden Bachelorette series, but haven’t cast the 60-plus woman to take the role. Meanwhile ABC talent scouts are busy auditioning single senior men, each of whom is required to submit a video and proof of shingles vaccination.

In Hong Kong, a dragon made of 39,000 balloons to commemorate the Lunar New Year was certified for a Guinness World Record, before it was shot down in a U.S. drone strike.

A massive fire broke out at a new waterpark in Sweden before it opened to the public. First responders eventually contained the blaze, and treated themselves for minor burns in the wave pool.

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Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his hole and told everyone if they want to know what he did or didn’t see, they’ll have to tune in to Punxsutawney Eyewitness News at 6 & 11.

Tesla recalled 2.2 million vehicles because safety regulators say the font size of warning lights on the driver display is too small. Tesla argued the warning lights take up too much room on the screen where drivers like to watch movies.

Blake Shelton & Gwen Stefani appeared to counter divorce rumors after being spotted together at a store in rural Texas. Although new rumors have started since Gwen Stefani isn’t exactly thrilled about spending time in rural Texas.

Darius Rucker was arrested in Tennessee for what’s being described as a ‘minor drug offense’, or ‘Hootie and no Blow’.

E. Jean Carroll’s lawyer, Roberta Kaplan, said Donald Trump threw papers during his deposition at Mar-A-Lago because his legal team bought her lunch. Trump then demanded the toy from her Happy Meal.

Customers buying the new $3,499 Apple Vision Pro enhanced-reality headset were offered in-store demos at the New York flagship Apple store. Several immediately downloaded a movie and were arrested for dropping their pants in the Apple Store.

A Philadelphia couple is demanding answers after their six-month old baby was left behind inside a locked daycare facility after the owners closed it for the night. The parents hope to get the answers when they drop the baby off at the same place today.

Scammers posing as a Drexel University professor tricked a candidate for a paid internship out of thousands of dollars. Meanwhile, actual administrators at University of Phoenix scam students out of thousands of dollars before they graduate and get jobs at Burger King.

A Baltimore mom and entrepreneur claims to be a successful marketing exec who’s also found $2 million worth of merchandise ‘dumpster diving’. Although much of the money is spent on treatment of wounds she’s incurred fighting off raccoons.

Fitness experts recommend doing weight training, then cardio, to maximize workout effectiveness if you’re doing both. For gym creeps, they recommend cardio first because it’s easier to stare at more people while using a bike or treadmill.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.