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A 76-year-old woman in Ecuador who’d been declared dead was alive and pounding on the lid of her coffin at her wake. Her family is demanding that the funeral home remove embalming charges from their bill.

Paul McCartney said a ‘final’ Beatles song is forthcoming, completed with the help of artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence convinced John to dump Yoko.

As of Monday, Donald Trump still had not found a local attorney to represent him at his federal indictment in Miami. Attorneys are so convinced he won’t pay them that they’ve all replaced their billboard ads with pictures of missing children.

Theranos founder and convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes said she won’t be able to pay $250/month restitution once her prison sentence ends in 11 years, when she’ll be 50. The judge told her to stay in shape just in case she has to resort to Only Fans.

Nine people were injured after gunfire erupted outside Ball Arena in Denver after the hometown Denver Nuggets won their first NBA championship. Shell casings reveal the shooters went 9-for-20.

Pat Sajak will retire as host of Wheel Of Fortune after next season. Not to be outdone, Vanna White announced she’s going celibate, that she’s touched her last D.

A cannon was stolen from historic Fort Mifflin in South Philadelphia sometime in early June. Investigators believe the thieves already had a lot of balls.

Nilla Fischer, a member of Sweden’s women’s national soccer team, said they had to show their genitals to a team medical staffer to prove they were females during the 2011 World Cup. Fischer said she wonders whatever happened to backup goalie Hildegarde, who was released.

Trans activist Rose Montoya lowered her dress and bared her breasts after meeting President Biden during a Pride event at the White House. Montoya was roundly criticized for poor taste, and critcized by Melania Trump for not getting any money showing her boobs.

Instagram influencers Racquelle Anteola, a rapper, and Melissa Dufour, a fitness entrepreneur, were arrested after cops found 216 pounds of cocaine hidden in the floor of their SUV. The cocaine was charged with driving under the influencers.

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Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

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Kanye West said he’s never read a book. For once, the world readily believes him.

Woody Allen said he has no intention of retiring. Coincidentally, Hollywood financiers said they have no intention of giving him any more money to make movies.

WNBA stars are opting not to spend their offseason playing basketball in Russia, citing the invasion of Ukraine and the imprisonment of Britney Griner. They say it’s a difficult decision because of the money, and the number of attractive Russian women.

Sources say Google’s new Apple Watch competitor, the Pixel Watch, will be priced at $349 at launch – and $199 when it’s on clearance six months later.

Peloton added a $3,195 rowing machine to its lineup of fitness equipment, so the bike you’ve stopped using doesn’t get lonely.

A new social media challenge has teenagers cooking chicken in Nyquil. Despite sending dozens of teens to the hospital, KFC is now offering Nyquil as a dipping sauce.

A Jack In The Box employee fired gunshots at a drive-thru customer following an argument over curly fries. The employee missed, but then the customer pulled up to the second window and was hit.

An Italian man tested positive for COVID-19, monkeypox and HIV all in the same day. He told his recent sex partners “I think you should get tested…and tested..and tested.”

A nurse on Only Fans says she was fired because co-workers were watching her adult content while on the job. But now she knows why doctors were bringing their laptops in to the operating room.

A 27-year-old man in India shoved an 8-inch can of deodorant in to his rectum, where it remained for three weeks until doctors removed it. They were able to lubricate the area with the contents of a can of shaving cream he’d also shoved up there.

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Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are rumored to be in an “epic fight” over his decision to unretire and play another NFL season. Gisele is currently not staying at their home in Tampa, and Tom is feeling deflated.

New York City ended its mask requirement for subways, buses and other mass transit, allowing commuters to once again savor the full aromatic bouquet of urine.

Saudi Arabia threatened Netflix over content that ‘violates Islamic values’. Specifics weren’t given, although it’s believed Saudi officials are upset over gay characters, same sex kissing, and the continued availability of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill‘.

Barack & Michelle Obama will return for the unveiling of their official portraits at The White House. Meanwhile Donald & Melania Trump will attend the unveiling of their official portraits to hang in the restrooms of Texas Roadhouse.

A Southwest Airlines pilot threatened to cancel a flight from Houston to Mexico because a passenger was Air Drop’ing nude photos to other passengers. The pilot was angry because he had an Android phone and couldn’t see them.

Genealogy technology identified the killer of Stacey Lyn Chahorski, a Michigan woman missing for 33 years, as Henry Wise, a truck driver who died in 1999. His body will be exhumed so hero cops can put handcuffs on his skeleton and perp=drag him to court.

Archaeologists discovered a 31,000-year-old body in Indonesia which, they say, highlights advanced medical knowledge because of its lower-leg amputation. They also believe it shows advanced culinary knowledge because of the recipe they found to cook the leg.

Kanye West said Hollywood is a “giant brothel”, adding that pornography “destroyed (his) family”. Ex-wife Kim was unavailable for comment while being photographed exposing her bare buttocks for the cover of Interview magazine.

Thieves in Brazil stole a parked vehicle after kicking out a naked couple having sex inside it. The vehicle was last spotted several miles away traveling at a high rate of speed with the windows down.

An Only Fans model said she almost died after undergoing labiaplasty to relieve discomfort in her vaginal area. She said she paid $6,000 for the procedure, but made about 50 times that much on Only Fans selling before-and-after pictures.

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France reelected President Emmanuel Macron, defeating far-right candidate Marine Le Pen, who is going back to Le Drawing Board.

Maci Currin, a 6-foot 10-inch tall Texas teenager with the Guinness record for World’s Longest Legs at 4-feet 5-inches, has joined Only Fans, so that old creeps can answer the question ‘Do they go all the way up?’.

Fitbit is offering deep discounts for fitness trackers this Mother’s Day, for those looking to kickstart Mom’s fitness plans and also kickstart the end of their marriage.

A huge wildfire is raging in southwest Nebraska. Officials are trying to summon a tornado to put it out.

A Texas food delivery company is offering $10,000 for someone to do taste tasting in June & July and become the company’s Chief Taco Officer. They’ve received 75,000 applications from neighboring Mexico.

119-year-old Kane Tanaka of Japan, the World’s Oldest Person, died. She was memorialized in a statement from the World’s Second Oldest Person, who then died.

Health officials in Congo report a new outbreak of Ebola. They’re doubly concerned because of the refusal of fruit bats to get vaccinated.

The first all-private team of ‘space tourist’ astronauts aboard the International Space Station will undock from the station and begin their trip home. They’re now pre-boarding military personnel and those who need a little extra time to get settled.

Amber Fillary broke her own world record by swimming 295 feet, 3 inches beneath the ice of a frozen Norwegian lake. She surfaced by breaking through the ice with her nipples.

A North Carolina woman whose doorbell camera alerted her to activity on her front porch saw that a snake had slithered in front of the camera. When she got to the porch, the snake had left behind a brochure for replacement windows.

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Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

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Starbucks shareholders rejected the proposed compensation of CEO Kevin Johnson, downgrading his venti-million-dollar bonus to tall, and writing Ken Johnston on it.

A judge ruled the trial of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin for the killing of George Floyd will remain in the city, saying they didn’t budget all that money on barricades and riot gear for nothing.

A new book, ‘Countdown‘, by New York doctor Shanna Swan, claims toxic chemicals have reduced male sperm counts by almost 60% since 1973. Swan cites a variety of chemicals, but specifically points out that Miller Lite was introduced in 1973.

Tanzania’s President John Magufuli, a COVID-19 skeptic who hadn’t procured any vaccines for his country, died of heart disease. Vice President Samia Suluhu Hassan was sworn in for her 30-day term until she dies of COVID-19.

An assistant district attorney in Bucks County, Pennsylvania was demoted for making GrubHub deliveries during work hours. He was caught after requesting a trial recess, then returning to the courtroom and asking jurors “who ordered the Quarter Pounder Value Meal?”

A 59-year-old Las Vegas billionaire is suing his 26-year-old ex-girlfriend, an Only Fans model, for using his properties to stage nude photos, including one wearing only a yarmulke from his son’s Bar Mitzvah. The model is currently dating his son.

Following multiple allegations of racist & homophobic language, ‘The Talk’ host Sharon Osbourne claims she’s receiving death threats. Asked who’s making them, Osbourne replied “p*ssy lickers, persian carpet c**ts, wontons, you name it”.

A lighting crew member died on the set of ABC’s ‘The Conners’. Right now, officials are only sure that he didn’t die of laughter.

Apple is planning massive privacy updates to iOS 14 this Spring, which may limit Facebook’s ability to get information from iPhone users. In response, Facebook is replacing Friend Requests with Stranger Requests.

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart got engaged to drag racer Leah Pruett. Stewart was quick to point out Pruett competes in top-fuel National Hot Rod Association events, not the other king of drag races.

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Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

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Pennsylvania’s Dorney Park amusement park is the site of a mass vaccination clinic. They may leave it up through the summer to treat water park visitors for hepatitis.

Law & Order SVU producers say they’re hiring as many unemployed Broadway theater employees as they can – but with a preference for sex creeps.

The same researcher who claimed the ability to predict sexual orientation by facial scan now claims it can also predict political party. Some are outraged, others think it could be useful helping gay Republicans find each other.

The New York Times reports some jobless women are selling nudes on Only Fans to make ends meet, but are disappointed with low sales. “Maybe if you weren’t 80” said a choosy customer.

Donald Trump was impeached for a second time, as history repeached itself.

Snapchat permanently banned Donald Trump, citing the potential to incite violence, and, of course, the thousands of dick pics.

Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy died in Las Vegas at age 81. This follows the death of partner Roy Horn in May. Their famous white tigers are planning to retire from magic and start a singing act.

Joe Biden reportedly has to turn to Plan B because none of his cabinet picks will be confirmed before his inauguration. Fortunately Donald Trump had plenty of Plan B left in his medicine cabinet.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is facing neglect charges for failure to address the Flint, Michigan water crisis while in office. His attorneys claim the charges don’t hold undrinkable water.

Joe & Jill Biden announced they’ll adopt a cat once they’re in the White House. This, after the prior tenant preferred to get his pussy outside of it.