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Actor Thomas Middleditch is accused of unwanted sexual behavior at the members-only Cloak & Dagger goth club in Los Angeles. Identifying him was challenging because it’s, like, really really reeeeeally dark in there.

A National Guard convoy carrying COVID-19 vaccines in Texas was ambushed by a 65-year-old man with a gun. “Stop them shots or I’ll shoot, varmints!” yelled Yosemite Sam, Anti-Vaxxer.

A Serbian model claims she was offered over $50,000 to seduce married tennis champion Novak Djokovic as part of an extortion plot. She hasn’t identified the men behind the plot, but if she does, they face racketeering charges.

A Philadelphis woman was apprehended after she shot a man and stole his vehicle, part of National Gender Equity in Carjacking Month.

YouTube relationship expert Derrick Jaxn admitted to cheating on his wife of four years. As for his behavior, his wife neither Liked or Subscribed to it.

Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson now faces 16 lawsuits for inappropriate sexual behavior. Multiple lawyers have now joined three NFL teams attempting to work out a deal for Deshaun Watson.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel dropped plans for a five-day national shutdown over the Easter holiday, following critical remarks from the ruthless, yet highly efficient, German Easter Bunny.

Amazon delivery drivers must agree to be watched by surveillance cameras as part of their jobs. Some say it’s an invasion of privacy, Amazon said cameras ensure safety, and give feedback on how drivers can have better sex with lonely housewives.

A daycare worker used a Sharpie to write “I’m Out Of Diapers” on a baby’s belly before sending the child home. Later, the baby’s mom flipped him over and found “Final Notice: Out of Diapers” written on his buttocks.

Nokia plans to build a 4G LTE wireless network on the moon – to be followed by a Boost Mobile store for astronauts with so-so credit scores.

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Updated CDC guidance permits a reduction in separation from 6 feet to 3 feet between students in classrooms – welcome news for bullies with a 36-inch reach.

A 108-year-old Philadelphia woman received the COVID-19 vaccine. Her only complaint was her weight went up 50%.

In a new book, Sharon Stone claims a film producer asked her to sleep with a costar to improve their onscreen chemistry. It was right before Stone left the cast of a Muppet movie.

A new study claims people who walk slowly are more likely to get sick later in life, provided impatient drivers don’t kill them first.

Overseas spectators will be banned from the Tokyo Summer Olympics due to COVID-19 risk, but athletes from around the globe are welcome to be sickened.

40 teachers in a suburban Philadelphia school district called out of work on Friday, citing bad reactions to COVID-19 vaccines, and totally not a day-drinking party to watch the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament.

Miami Beach Police used SWAT teams to disperse spring breakers violating the city’s new 8pm curfew. SWAT officers reportedly had trouble figuring out whose partier’s hands were in the air to surrender, and which were there to wave like they don’t care.

Scientists studying women and newborns claim they’ve identified 50 new chemicals lurking in human bodies – several of them are plastics, the rest are tied to flavor variants of Mountain Dew.

A 27-year-old named Meghann quit tv survival challenge ‘Naked & Afraid’ after four days in a Mexican desert, saying she couldn’t sleep because of biting insects in her genitals. The insects weren’t thrilled with their sleeping arrangements, either.

A Chicago Cubs minor leaguer was arrested for transporting 20 pounds of meth and over a pound of oxycodone pills. He claimed the drugs were necessary to help coaches and teammates overcome the boredom of watching spring training baseball.

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Indianapolis Museum of Art President Charles Venable resigned, after writing an insensitive job description for a new Director to “maintain their traditional, core, white art audience”. Residents of Indianapolis responded “.. we have an art museum?”

Tim Tebow is retiring from professional baseball after playing five seasons in the minor leagues. He plans to start a family with his wife once they figure out where babies come from.

Disneyland reopened the former Rainforest Cafe, vacant since 2018, as a Star Wars store. It’s been open several days, and park police have already arrested several Sand People for stealing droids.

Amidst power outages and freezing temperatures in Texas, Senator Ted Cruz was blasted for traveling to Cancun, Mexic – giving Texas; other Senator, John Cornyn, the distraction he needed to drive to Ft. Lauderdale and judge a wet t-shirt contest.

Facing proposed laws requiring social media platforms to pay news sites, Facebook blocked Australians from posting news articles. So good luck finding those cute baby kangaroo photos.

Gwyneth Paltrow said she is recovering from COVID-19, and still has symptoms like ‘brain fog’ and fatigue. However, she’s hopeful the healing jade egg she sells on Goop for $300 to stick in your vagina will work as advertised.

Rush Limbaugh died Wednesday, on ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ Day. “You’re welcome” said God.

A newlywed couple in South Korea were shocked to learn the Grand Josun Hotel sauna’s mirrored wall let other guests see them naked from the outside. Guests who paid to look in the sauna were shocked there wasn’t a better-looking couple in it.

Fourteen people in a Philadelphia suburb were arrested for illegally distributing 31 guns. Cops call it illegal firearms trafficking, defendants called it the best ‘Secret Santa’ ever.

Demi Lovato said she suffered three strokes, a heart attack and vision loss following a drug overdose. She also said her music has surged in popularity among nursing home residents, since they have so much in common.

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109 employees at Winter Park ski resort in Colorado tested positive for COVID-19, but so far nobody’s died with their boots on.

30 parrots were removed from the Philadelphia home of a man found dead in the back of a U-Haul. All 30 asked for a cracker, and a lawyer.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced they’re expecting a baby. The parents of two-year-old Archie haven’t disclosed if it’s a Betty or a Jughead.

Coca-Cola will trial selling drinks in paper bottles this summer. They decided on paper because the ones made of tooth enamel dissolved too quickly.

The daughter of the Lombardi Trophy silversmith wants an apology from Tom Brady for tossing it between boats in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory parade. No one has the heart to tell her about Rob Gronkowski trying to have sex with it.

Students learning at home are more stressed than their peers learning in classrooms, since many of them are too dumb to realize how remote learning makes it so much easier to cheat.

The Daytona 500 was delayed for six hours by rain and ended shortly after midnight. Many of the announced crowd of 30,000 stuck around anyway, once they realized watching rain fall was every bit as exciting as a NASCAR race.

NASA’s Mars rover Perseverance is scheduled to land on Wednesday. NASA’s other Mars rover, Frustration, turned around and came back to Florida three weeks ago.

Katy Perry and Lionel Richie voted to send Claudia Conway – daughter of Trump adviser Kellyanne – to Hollywood on American Idol. Judge Luke Bryan dissented, saying a teen girl hating her parents should have a sad country song about it by now.

Drinking three cups of coffee a day may reduce the risk of prostate cancer – especially if it’s Dunkin coffee, since it destroys the prostate altogether.

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A man swallowed an Apple AirPod earbud in his sleep, accidentally inventing the world’s first StoolPod bluetooth speaker.

Indoor dining in Philadelphia can expand to 50% of capacity, provided air quality standards are met. No Mexican restaurants are expected to qualify.

The 2021 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced. Curt Schilling demanded that his name be kept off the ballot.

Bruce Springsteen was charged with DWI at a New Jersey state park. He failed a field sobriety test, as well as two encore field sobriety tests.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued three Cuban refugees from a deserted island where they lived off of coconuts for 33 days. All were treated for exposure and dehydration, and two were treated for injuries from being repeatedly struck by the Skipper’s hat.

Democratic impeachment attorneys plan to show never-before-seen footage of Capitol Rioters on June 6th – when they breached the House & Senate break rooms and discovered that hiding Congressmen took all the donuts with them.

The World Health Organization will present the range of scenarios that created the COVID-19 pandemic in humans – the most likely being transmission from an “intermediary host species”; the least likely being a “radioactive pangolin bite”.

Aunt Jemima products are now rebranded as Pearl Milling Company. Pearl Milling Company is already being sued for denying unemployment checks to Aunt Jemima.

Kim Kardashian donated flower bouquets used in a photo shoot to frontline workers at Los Angeles area hospitals, allowing them, in turn, to regift them a second time for funerals.

Coca-Cola will roll out new 13.5 ounce bottles of soda made from 100% recycled plastic. They hope it will appeal to younger, environmentally conscious future diabetics.

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The city of Philadelphia is suing e*cigarette maker Juul for creating a “dangerous health epidemic”. Hearing the news, every cheesesteak shop in the city lawyered up.

A bakery in Hatboro, Pennsylvania is selling $4 cookies bearing the name of Trump or Biden, then tracking purchases to see who wins the ‘Cookie Election’. The real losers of that election are dopes who pay $4 for a cookie.

The NFL said they’re “reimagining” the Pro Bowl. They’re imagining they’ll skip it.

Amy Coney Barrett was asked by a GOP Senator what Five Freedoms are guaranteed by the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. She replied freedom of speech, religion, press… Wham! ‘Freedom’ and George Michael ‘Freedom ’90’.

Maki, a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur, is missing from the San Francisco Zoo. Zoo officials believe he was stolen, but other lemurs say he just went out because he’s finally old enough to drink.

The British government announced tougher coronavirus restricitions on London due to a surge in cases. It’s so bad, dolls have to sit six feet apart at tea parties.

John Cena married girlfriend Shay Shariatzadeh at a lawyer’s office in Florida on Monday. Shay Shariatzadeh-Cena becomes the world’s longest celebrity tongue-twister.

A Russian Soyuz rocket arrived at the International Space Station just three hours after launch – a new record. Despite the fast service, the Grubhub driver left without a tip.

Barron Trump tested positive for COVID-19, then it was determined a different kid took the test for him.

Amazon Prime Day concluded, marking the official kickoff to UPS Back Spasm Days.

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New York City officially banned defecating on buses and the city subway. Philadelphia is considering a similar ban, but City Council doesn’t want commuters to change who they are.

Cake Boss Buddy Velastro’s hand was impaled on a steel rod as he tried to fix the pin resetter at his home’s bowling alley. Doctors worked feverishly to pick up the split between his 7th and 10th fingers.

A brain wrapped in tin foil washed up on a Wisconsin beach. It was unwrapped so the federal government could see what it was thinking.

The San Diego Chargers team doctor accidentally punctured QB Tyrod Taylor’s lung while giving him a painkilling injection for bruised ribs. The Chargers are now looking for a new doctor and shorter needles.

Tom Cruise and director Doug Liman will ride a SpaceX rocket into outer space to film a new movie. Though some are questioning why they need the International Space Station to film ‘Cocktail 2’.

Pro tennis players are angry that they must stay at one of two approved hotels in order to play in the French Open. They’re even more angry learning one of them is the Ramada Inn.

California is banning gas-engine car sales after 2035. Dealerships announced killer deals blowing out the last of the 2034 Kias.

A pregnant wife came to the aid of her husband after he was attacked by a shark in the Florida Keys. The man is okay, and the wife refused the shark’s request to touch her belly.

Money Magazine released its 50 Best Places to Live. “Wait, I don’t see us” said residents of Louisville, Portland, Seattle and the hills outside Los Angeles.

A Vietnamese factory was cited for washing 320,000 used condoms and reselling them as new. However, government leaders praised citizens for embracing safe sex and recycling.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Philadelphia-area Planet Fitness locations reopened on Monday.  Officials say if a COVID-19 case is traced to one of their gyms, they’ll close. However, if heart attacks are traced back to one, they’ll probably stay open.

Warner Brothers delayed the release of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Tenet’ once again. The film was expected to premiere in theaters on August 12th, but will likely not be screened for several months – or about as long as Christopher Nolan movie feels like.

KFC is partnering with a Russian company to develop lab grown materials to make 3D-printed chicken nuggets. If it’s succcessful, they’ll move up and print full-size chickens without heads.

Mike Tyson will fight a great white shark as part of Discovery Networks Shark Week. Tyson said his motivation is revenge for the two staffers killed trying to put trunks on the shark.

On Thursday, in honor of National Wine & Cheese Day, a three-liter box of rosé wine paired with a jumbo box of Cheez-Its goes on sale for $29.99.  They say purchasers can expect the combo to result in the palest of pink vomit.

Insiders say Kanye West’s behavior – including controversial statements about Harriet Tubman, abortion, and the Kardashian family – may result in the divorce from Kim that everyone expected six years ago.

Google Maps released a new feature, location data for the nearest place to rent a bicycle. Once you rent the bike, Maps enters 9-1-1 so you just hit ‘Send’ once you get hit by a car.

The CDC added mouth lesions to its list of suspected coronavirus symptoms, which now includes “everything”.

Researchers developed a material called ‘Proteus’, the world’s first non-cuttable material, to be used in bike locks and indestructible armor. It’s made with ceramic spheres encased in cellular aluminum, and inspired by the sirloin special at Texas Roadhouse.

Instagram will let users conduct their own fundraisers. The feature comes after studying hundreds of thousands of comments reading “how much $ to see your boobs?”