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Divorce rates among married couples over 60 are rising faster than any other age category – in part because married men over 60 are rising slower than any other age category.

Israel’s Parliament voted to ban Al Jazeera network from the country, accusing it of inciting violence and anti-Semitism. They also voted to ban Cartoon Network, accusing it of inciting violence between cats and mice.

Madonna wrapped up her world tour with a free concert on Rio de Janeiro’s Copacabana Beach, which reportedly attracted 1.6 million people. It marked an attendance record, and a record for the most people to look at a 65-year-old woman on a Brazilian beach.

At a Mar-a-Lago fundraising event, Donald Trump compared the Biden Administration to the Gestapo. Trump’s cronies supported him, saying Trump honestly believes Gestapo was one of the Marx Brothers.

Victorias Secret supermodel Elle Macpherson again lowered the price of her Coral Gables, Florida mansion. First she lowered it from $29 million to $27 million, then again to $22 million. For the right buyer she’ll even throw in her lingerie hamper.

Actress Emily Blunt told Howard Stern that kissing some of her male co-stars made her sick to her stomach. She wouldn’t name names, but said that finding a Scientology pamphlet stuffed in to her pocket afterwards didn’t help.

Creatine supplements may boost cognitive performance after a poor night’s sleep. This, according to gym-rat meatheads who slept poorly but took creatine to remember that today’s Leg Day, bra’.

The top lawyer for the Republican National Committee resigned after just two months, citing “time commitment conflicts”. In other words, there wasn’t enough time in the day for him to keep up with all of Donald Trump’s felony trials.

High-end fitness chain Equinox is offering a $40,000-per-year ‘Optimize By Equinox’ program, focusing on longevity, that includes personal training, nutrition plans, sleep coaching and massage therapy. Not to be outdone, Planet Fitness announced they’re offering members free Meat Lovers pizza in addition to plain cheese.

The fiance of a Wisconsin teacher who admitted ‘making out’ with one of her fifth grade students has called off the wedding. He said he’s embarrassed and heartbroken, but that he now understands why there were three kids tables planned for the reception.

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Doctors are reporting an increase in women with serious infections from using press-on nails. They say if they don’t stop using them they’ll eventually have to switch to press-on fingers.

Dubai experienced record rainfall and flooding. First responders used lifeboats to rescue hundreds of residents stranded in cars & on camels.

Planet Fitness has a new CEO, Colleen Keating. She plans on showing up for three days straight then never again..

Researchers found some species of bees can survive underwater for up to a week. They’re called Scoo-bees.

Airlines say they’re expecting a record summer of travel. They also forecast high demand for first class and – in the case of Spirit & Frontier – no class.

The WNBA commissioner said superstar Caitlin Clark’s $360,000 total salary for her first four years in the league is a “false narrative”. She added that low pay for non-starters and lesser-known WNBA players is a “true narrative”.

Over a dozen members of the Kennedy family endorsed Joe Biden for President instead of their blood relative, independent Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. In a statement RFK Jr. said he can’t believe they’d assassinate a Kennedy….. ‘s character.

A British comedian, Samantha Hannah, set a goal of finding a husband in a year. She found a man who eventually proposed, even though Samantha said she could only do about a half-hour.

12 jurors have been seated in Donald Trump’s New York hush money trial, although the trial can’t proceed until they find 6 alternates, who could replace primary jurors once they admit that they, too, had sex with Stormy Daniels.

A Maryland high school student was arrested after authoring a 129-page plan for a school shooting. They’re also interrogating the English teacher who told him he really needed to edit it down to 100 pages.

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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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The Writers Guild of America is reportedly close to resolving their strike with Hollywood studios. Writers could return to work as soon as this week to be terrorized by Jimmy Fallon.

President Zelensky said Abrams tanks from the U.S. have arrived in Ukraine. He thanked the U.S. for the tanks, and for the porno mags left in them by U.S. soldiers.

A leading exercise physiologist said more people in the U.S. are “skinny fat” – exercising, but still unhealthy because of their diet. This is also known as The Planet Fitness Effect.

Ryan Seacrest revealed that nothing will change when he takes over from Pat Sajak as host of Wheel Of Fortune. Producers rejected a proposal to implement ‘surge pricing’ for vowels.

Philadelphia-area photographers say many women booking “boudoir shoots” want their bedroom photos taken while wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys. Although some women question how badly their husbands and boyfriends want to have sex with a football player.

Expend4ables bombed at the box office, collecting just $8.3 million in ticket sales, and an even more disappointing $30 million in popcorn and soda sales.

Taylor Swift attended the Kansas City Chiefs game in the suite of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, sitting next to Kelce’s mother. Their relationship is unclear, since Swift has already met Kelce’s mother, but haven’t exchanged friendship bracelets or tongues.

Swift and Kelce reportedly had a postgame dinner date at a local restaurant, where she paid all of the customers inside to leave early so they could have the place to themselves. However, several customers refused to leave until they finished their Moons Over My Hammy.

Chester County, Pennsylvania held a town hall meeting to address security concerns after the escape of murderer Danelo Cavalcante from the county jail. Residents in attendance became angry when two other fugitive murderers spoke at the meeting, then fled.

The daughter of a homeless Florida woman who was found dead in the jaws of an alligator started a GoFundMe to raise funeral expenses, and maybe get a handbag, belt and a pair of shoes out of the deal.

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Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”

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Philadelphia-area Planet Fitness locations reopened on Monday.  Officials say if a COVID-19 case is traced to one of their gyms, they’ll close. However, if heart attacks are traced back to one, they’ll probably stay open.

Warner Brothers delayed the release of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Tenet’ once again. The film was expected to premiere in theaters on August 12th, but will likely not be screened for several months – or about as long as Christopher Nolan movie feels like.

KFC is partnering with a Russian company to develop lab grown materials to make 3D-printed chicken nuggets. If it’s succcessful, they’ll move up and print full-size chickens without heads.

Mike Tyson will fight a great white shark as part of Discovery Networks Shark Week. Tyson said his motivation is revenge for the two staffers killed trying to put trunks on the shark.

On Thursday, in honor of National Wine & Cheese Day, a three-liter box of rosé wine paired with a jumbo box of Cheez-Its goes on sale for $29.99.  They say purchasers can expect the combo to result in the palest of pink vomit.

Insiders say Kanye West’s behavior – including controversial statements about Harriet Tubman, abortion, and the Kardashian family – may result in the divorce from Kim that everyone expected six years ago.

Google Maps released a new feature, location data for the nearest place to rent a bicycle. Once you rent the bike, Maps enters 9-1-1 so you just hit ‘Send’ once you get hit by a car.

The CDC added mouth lesions to its list of suspected coronavirus symptoms, which now includes “everything”.

Researchers developed a material called ‘Proteus’, the world’s first non-cuttable material, to be used in bike locks and indestructible armor. It’s made with ceramic spheres encased in cellular aluminum, and inspired by the sirloin special at Texas Roadhouse.

Instagram will let users conduct their own fundraisers. The feature comes after studying hundreds of thousands of comments reading “how much $ to see your boobs?”

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Nicole Young filed for divorce from rap mogul Dr. Dre, her husband of 25 years, citing irreconcilable differences. She would not elaborate, saying it’s like this and like that and like this, and uh..

Over 200 members at a Planet Fitness in West Virginia may require 14 days of quarantine after COVID-19 infections were traced there. “Skip the gym for two weeks?? Oh no!!..” they said.

The Supreme Court blocked a Louisiana law that would have made it all but impossible for women to get an abortion in the state. Next up they’ll rule on a different Louisiana law prohibiting parents from telling their daughters where babies come from.

The Mississippi state legislature voted to redo the state’s flag, removing the Confederate battle symbol. No word on the new flag, but the committee is looking for someone real good at drawing pictures of guns.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin resigned their membership at the Bel Air Country Club, after other members complained that they’re now felons. Coincidentally, they paid a half million dollars to get in to Bel Air CC too.

Cirque du Soleil filed for bankruptcy.  Executives plan to continue operations, but say financial management will be a real high wire act.

Scientists at University of California – Davis doing protein research accidentally cured Parkinson’s disease symptoms in mice. The mice were briefly happy, but then got pissed off at the same scientists for giving them Parkinson’s to begin with.

26 National Hockey League players tested positive for COVID-19, risking the restart of the season. They’ll each self-isolate for two weeks, plus an additional two minutes for delay of game.

Broadway theaters will remain closed until January. Sensing an opportunity from people desperate to waste money on bloated song-and-dance routines, Universal raised the price of ‘Cats’ on Blu-ray to $99.

Amazon Prime Video introduced ‘Watch Party’, where you can view content together with people in other locations. So now you can tell someone in a totally different state to shut up because you can’t hear The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

 

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Apple Store looters won’t be able to use or pawn phones, tablets and laptops taken from showrooms because of software locks – that is, unless they return for an appointment at the Genius Looter Bar.

Sony delayed the reveal event for PlayStation 5 originally scheduled for June 4th due to widespread civil unrest. However, PlayStation 4 game ‘Call of Duty – Riot Police’ will be released as scheduled.

Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol told CNBC’s Jim Cramer that stores damaged in riots can be patched up and fixed, just that it will cost “a little extra”.

Hundreds of looters rushed into Macy’s flagship NYC store in Herald Square overnight. Meanwhile, rioters declined invitations to loot a nearby JC Penney.

Police finally arrived on scene, and handcuffed less-experienced looters who made the mistake of waiting for a fitting room.

District of Columbia police used tear gas to disperse a peaceful crowd of protestors so Donald Trump could give a speech at a church near the White House. Trump tweeted that the speech was so great, there wasn’t a dry eye in the street.

Retired baseball star Dale Murphy says a Denver cop hit his son in the face with a rubber bullet as he peacefully protested George Floyd’s death. The boy was awarded first base.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson criticized Donald Trump’s handling of nationwide protests, causing Trump to cut off Carlson’s allowance.

Canopy Growth’s CEO says his zero-calorie cannabis beverages can be bigger than hard seltzer. So ask your local grocer to carry high seltzer.

A new study claims using mouthwash after exercise reduces many of the health benefits on blood pressure and metabolism. As a result, experts suggest Planet Fitness members go for plain pizza instead of pepperoni.

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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A York County, Pennsylvania man caught the state’s largest-ever catfish, measuring over 3 1/2 feet and weighing 50 pounds. It was released back into the Susquehanna River and swam to the nearest Planet Fitness.

Outrage surrounds the story of a California teacher taking extended leave to treat her cancer, who is required to pay $240/day to her substitute teacher, as well as a smaller amount for the spitwads and Kick Me signs thrown at and placed on the sub.

A 70-year-old man missing in the Philadelphia area was found dead in a large plastic storage container in a city home. Police are not releasing his cause of death or how he got in the container. The owner of the home has canceled her Tupperware parties.

Norah O’Donnell will replace Jeff Glor as anchor of the CBS Evening News. Glor will leave after tonight’s broadcast, and the news division at CBS said they’re sad to put their Glory days behind them.

Daye, a startup company that invented a cramp-fighting tampon infused with CBD oil, raised $5.5 million in funds. They say the product works, but users still manage to bitch about how expensive it is.

Researchers found that fish in the deepest, darkest parts of the ocean have developed superpowered low-light vision — but that fish with super vision also think the other fish are “not much to look at.” [story h/t to A.O.]

Party City is closing 45 stores because of a global helium shortage and its impact on balloon sales. They’re also firing any employees caught speaking in a hilarious high-pitched voice.

Porn site xHamster plans to block “MILF” videos on Mother’s Day and is using hashtag #MomsBeforeMILFs, to encourage users to connect with their mothers. Real-life moms will be delighted to know their kids put jerking off on hold to express their love.

Fitbit introduced its new kid-focused fitness tracker, the Ace 2. Now overbearing parents can harass their kids to finish their homework and their 10,000 steps.

Researchers in Boston are using fecal transplants from healthy people to obese people, in order to change their metabolism and help them lose weight. The studies show mixed results, as many recipients maintain weight, and others fart the transplant out.