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The City of Philadelphia says applications for gun permits increased 539% from 2020 to 2021. They say the only thing more impressive than the volume increase is the penmanship of the 10-year-olds filling out the applications.

Tiger Woods was caught on a hot mic muttering ‘f*ck off’ as his shot on the 9th hole at The Masters failed to stay on the green. Later he was caught muttering “f*ck on?” during a brief phone conversation with a hostess at a nearby Outback Steakhouse.

The United Nations voted to remove Russia from the Human Rights Council, but Russia gets first pick of countries to join the new Human Rights Violations Council.

Today’s SpaceX launch is the first to send tourists to the International Space Station. Exact pricing is not disclosed, but each passenger paid in the “tens of millions” – not counting the $750,000 t-shirts from the Space Station gift shop.

A DHL cargo jet broke in half while making an emergency landing at a Costa Rica airport. Following an FAA investigation and work from local welders, Spirit Airlines Cargo will make its maiden voyage from Costa Rica.

Tesla Motors will begin selling its all-electric Cybertruck next year. They’d planned to launch this year, but could not reach an agreement with Bob Seger, Toby Keith or John Mellencamp for music to use in the commercials.

Google Meet implemented a feature that will end a video call if no one else shows up after five minutes. They call it Google Ghosted.

Pink Floyd reunited for the first time in 28 years to release a song protesting the Ukraine invasion: ‘Hey Hey Rise Up‘. The B-side is a song about Vladimir Putin’s conscience called ‘Uncomfortably Numb‘.

April 8th is Dog Farting Awareness Day, started by dog lovers to highlight the ways a dog’s flatulence provides insight to their health. Dogs are using the day to highlight human’s wrongful habit of blaming their flatulence on nearby dogs.

Chris Brown announced the birth of a baby girl with Instagram model Diamond Brown. Chris said that, as a mom, Diamond is hard to beat.

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Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

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A barbell loaded with 400 pounds of weight crushed the neck of a woman at a gym in Mexico City, killing her. “You got this!” said the world’s worst bench-press spotter.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX/Starlink Satellite Internet service will provide broadband to war-torn Ukraine, so soldiers defending the country can still watch porn.

$2.9 million worth of meth disguised as onions was seized by cops in California. In other news, organizers cancelled the West Virginia Onion Festival.

Target recalled beaded baby teething toys because they pose a choking hazard, unless your baby has strong enough teeth to chew the beads and eat them.

Last night the SAG Awards were held in Hollywood, with a Lifetime Achievement SAG Award given to Meryl Streep’s tits.

Astronomers discovered two ‘supermassive’ black holes spiraling toward each other in what’s being described as a ‘cataclysmic’ collision, and the worst-ever black-on-black violence in the galaxy.

New research finds teens who smoked during adolescence age faster than their peers as adults, although their peers also refer to them as “that cool-looking older dude”.

NASA’s Mars Curiosity Rover captured a photo of a mineral formation that looks like a flower. When it returned the next day it was gone, plucked by a martian who forgot his wedding anniversary.

Instagram influencer Paige Lorenze dumped country singer Morgan Wallen after accusing him of cheating on her. For his part, Wallen’s spokesperson said he’s “focused on being a dad” of his 1-year-old son, and on “probably being a dad again” with different women who show up at his concerts.

The iPhone SE’s price may drop as low as $199 after Apple updates in lineup in March. At $199, it could become the first iPhone that costs less to buy new than to fix its inevitable broken screen.

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Apple CEO Tim Cook had a photo of his house removed from Google Maps, a move that Google now offers to everyone who requests it, but is opposed by stalkers.

A scientist determined that the best starting word in the popular online game Wordle is ‘later’, and the worst starting word is ‘xylyl’. The scientist then visited his mentally-ill scientist friend, the only guy in the world who starts Wordle with ‘xylyl’.

Elon Musk offered a teenager $5,000 to shut down a Twitter account that tracks the movement of Musk’s private jet, then withdrew the offer after the teen demanded $50,000. In response, the teen is creating a new usage-tracking account, Elon Musk’s Private Jet’s Toilet.

Mompha Junior, age 9, from Lagos, Nigeria, is touted online as the “world’s youngest billionaire”, thanks to his wealthy father who gifted him supercars and mansions. The boy plays in the world’s only bounce house with six bedrooms, five baths and a pool.

A man mistakenly received a text from a woman – intended for her friend – who admitted leaving her bra at his house after their date “so he has to text me again.” She was right, as the man texted “my wife found your bra”.

A driver was rescued after his SUV crashed through the frozen pond of a Montgomery County, Pennsylvania golf course. He was treated for hypothermia, but vowed never to give up the search for the Titleist he lost in October.

Apple will allow “unlisted” apps – not visible to the general public, but available via a direct link – to be accessed through the App Store. The top unlisted app is Lonely 20something Substitute Teacher, which has been downloaded by the entire football team.

Microsoft said Windows-enabled computers need to be online at least 8 hours in order to “reliably” install version updates & patches via Windows Update. The good news is, if your boss asks what you did for 8 hours, you can say “update Windows”.

SpaceX cancelled a planned rocket launch after a cruise ship mistakenly sailed too close to the Cape Canaveral, Florida launch site, causing the rocket to test positive for COVID-19 and norovirus.

American Nazi group the National Socialist Party held a rally in Orlando, Florida on Sunday afternoon, as members of the White Supremacist group quickly turned into Red Supremacists.

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Two climbers stranded on a steep cliff in British Columbia were rescued when nearby Sikh men made a lifeline for them out of their turbans and jackets. Everything worked out fine, but the men said, at first, they were worried Sikh.

A Sonoma County, California homeowner discovered a ‘rookery’ beneath his home – a gathering of rattlesnakes giving birth. He called a reptile rescue to have over 90 rattlesnakes removed, because none of them had health insurance.

Flash flooding and water rescues are underway in New Jersey as a nor’easter dropped 2 to 6 inches of rain on the state. 911 dispatchers received a record number of “hey, I’m drownin’ heeya” calls.

A hiker lost on Mount Elbert – Colorado’s highest peak – hindered rescue efforts due to his declining calls from searchers because he didn’t recognize their phone number. He also frustrated two different Grubhub drivers trying to deliver pizzas he ordered.

A cyclist in Alaska survived an attack from a 500-pound brown bear by repeatedly kicking the animal, then he watched in amazement as the bear stole his bike and rode away on it.

Police surveilling now-deceased fugitive Brian Laundrie thought he had returned to his parents home as they staked it out, but it was his mother. In their defense, she had shaved her head and choked her stylist following a bad haircut.

A TikTok ‘star’ with over 900,000 followers is accused of murdering his estranged wife and another man. His phone call to a lawyer currently has half a million views.

SpaceX is a ‘go’ to launch astronauts to the International Space Station on Halloween. They decided to go with astronauts since they couldn’t find any washed-up sci-fi TV actors in time.

Viral video shows a swimmer in Campo Grande, Brazil being pursued by an alligator, who bites his torso before freeing him and swimming away. The alligator is heard yelling at the man that this is a “locals only” spot.

Keanu Reeves gifted engraved Rolex watches to four stuntmen after they completed filming of ‘John Wick 4’. Onc of the watches was swiped and Reeves spent two hours tracking the thief down and shooting him and about 75 other people.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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Disneyland’s Avengers Campus opens this week. Admission is only available if you’re contacted by a bald, tough-talking, one-eyed black guy.

A 17-year-old girl was captured on video shoving a large bear off her backyard fence as the bear squared off with her family’s dogs. The bear left, but is biding its time until she’s sunbathing alone in the yard.

JBS, a company that supplies one-fifth of the world with meat, is the latest victim of a ransomware attack. It’s unclear if the meat processor will pay up, but for now, they’re facing off with the attackers in a high-stakes game of chicken.

Elon Musk blamed Tesla auto price increases on “raw materials issues”. Specifically, he needs money from car sales to buy raw materials to rebuild SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up.

Space junk crashed into the International Space Station, breaking a robotic arm. The robotic arm was repaired, but then an astronaut was hit by space junk walking out to sign the cast.

The Biden administration terminated oil drilling contracts in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Environmentalists praised the move, but it also results in the loss of hundreds of good jobs for seals working on oil rigs.

Motley Crue’s Vince Neil had to cut short a solo gig at the Boone River Valley Festival in Iowa because his voice was shot. Worse, his voice failed saying “How’s everybody doing tonight?”

56-year-old supermodel Paulina Porizkova said her beauty regimen involves lasers, and “treatments…where you don’t look like you’ve been mauled by a bear”. Porizkova is facing a defamation lawsuit from the bear that used to do her makeup.

‘Very old’ human remains were found near Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s California estate by landscaping crews doing excavation work. Harry explained that some relatives were in town visiting.

N’Sync’s Lance Bass and husband Michael Turchin are expecting twins. Currently their genders are male and female, but the couple said they’ll accept them even if they’re bi bi bi.