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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).

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Philadelphia 76ers guard Kelly Oubre Jr was the victim of a hit-and-run after the side mirror of a car struck him and broke his rib. Nevertheless, an NBA referee assessed Oubre with a blocking foul for moving when he was hit.

A FedEx employee is charged with stealing $99,000 worth of gold coins from a package. He was released on bail, and the coins were forwarded to their intended recipient, Scrooge McDuck.

The Marvels bombed at the global box office, turning in the lowest ticket sales ever for a Marvel Cinematic Universe film on its opening weekend. MCU Executive Producer Kevin Feige is now considering halting production on Ant Man’s Spring Break.

NASA astronauts Jasmin Moghbeli and Loral O’Hara completed maintenance during a spacewalk outside the International Space Station in just over six hours, despite dropping their tool bag. They spent twenty minutes tightening screws, and five hours floating to the ISS Home Depot for a new wrench.

Texas A&M fired head football coach Jimbo Fisher, but will pay him the $77 million remaining on his $95 million contract. Fisher said $95 million feels like fair payment for having to spend the past six years of his life living in Southeast Texas.

As prices of olives and olive oil surge, olive growers in Greece say thieves are cutting down trees and stealing them – resulting in some of the lowest-speed police pursuits ever recorded.

Barry Manilow explained why he didn’t come out as gay until 2017 – saying he assumed everyone figured it out in 1977.

Travis Kelce used the Kansas City Chiefs bye week to fly to Argentina and attend a Taylor Swift concert – while other single Chiefs teammates stayed in Missouri and had sex with several different women that no one’s ever heard of.

The New York Post reports that some migrants bused from the Southern Border to Chicago are deciding to return to their home country because the city’s resources are depleted. The migrants were given the choice of returning home, or giving it a go in Cleveland.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend Victoria Lamas was denied entry into the actor’s 49th birthday party. Lamas reportedly showed her ID and was turned away because she was over 21.

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Spirit Airlines canceled almost 200 flights in two days for unspecified aircraft inspections – and to bank an easy $20 million to make every ticketed passenger from those flights pay for changing them.

A new study claims Viagra could reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s by 60% – but test subjects said they had difficulty forgetting the bad sex they just had.

The National Football League warned teams of increased disciplinary action for on-field fighting during games, saying they’re worried players could really get hurt.

An Australian billionaire claims Donald Trump told Melania to put on a bikini and strut around Mar-a-Lago to show male guests what they were missing. She refused, then they did an unfiltered image search of Melania Knauss and saw everything anyway.

Taylor Swift wore an ’87’ bracelet to the Los Angeles Chargers/Kansas City Chiefs game on Sunday. 87 is her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s jersey number, and also the amount of times camera crews are told to show her reactions during telecasts of Chiefs games.

Chevron is buying Hess Corporation for $53 billion, acquiring their petroleum reserves, refineries, distribution, and several billion dollars worth of toy trucks.

Elon Musk said he’ll give Wikipedia $1 billion if they change their name to Dickipedia. Unfortunately, Dickipedia is already registered to a dedicated group of gay guys cataloguing their social friends & acquaintances.

Danny Masterson agreed to give wife Bijou Phillips full custody of their 9-year old daughter while he serves a 30-year prison sentence for rape. Phillips refused his initial offer of sneaking the child in to see him every other weekend in a large cake.

Bobi, the world’s oldest dog, passed away at age 31. His owners say they’ll miss him, but not the $28,000 in annual veterinary bills.

A JetBlue aircraft ‘popped a wheelie’ due to a shift in weight and balance after arrival at a JFK Airport gate following a flight to Barbados. Five different husbands were quoted saying “I told you so” to their wives who overpacked.

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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

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Viral video shows a male football cheerleader for the University of Iowa flipping out of his pants doing a handspring. Not captured on video that evening, several female Iowa cheerleaders flipping out of their pants at fraternity parties.

Las Vegas police charged a man in the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur. This is a biggie.

Donald Trump’s business fraud trial begins in New York. If found guilty, his company will no longer be able to do business in the state, and he’ll have to pay $250 million in fines once they’re donated to him by dopes.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine was awarded to two scientists whose mRNA research resulted in COVID vaccines. Honorable Mention was given to a guy who made ventilators out of old Shop Vacs.

Governor Gavin Newsom appointed Laphonza Butler, a black lesbian who lives in Maryland, to take the late Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat for California. Butler was chosen because she’s black, an advocate for LGBTQ & abortion rights, and pretty experienced with long-distance relationships.

Following charges of rape & sexual assault, French actor Gerard Depardieu penned an open letter, saying he didn’t Depardieu it.

Taylor Swift was joined by Hugh Jackman, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Sophie Turner & others at MetLife Stadium for the Chiefs/Jets Sunday Night game. Meanwhile in the 700 level, a different woman named Taylor was joined by four friends who woke her up following the game after she blacked out in the 2nd quarter.

A man deliberately crashed his car into the Warren County, Pennsylvania police department building. Warren County cops apprehended him after a 30-minute pursuit.

Cindy Crawford alleges that Oprah Winfrey made her feel like a piece of meat when appearing on her talk show. Winfrey feels Crawford has no idea how much she likes pieces of meat.

Travis Kelce’s ex, life coach Maya Benberry, said she questions the “genuineness” of his new romance with Taylor Swift. Benberry was recently fired as life coach.

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The Writers Guild of America is reportedly close to resolving their strike with Hollywood studios. Writers could return to work as soon as this week to be terrorized by Jimmy Fallon.

President Zelensky said Abrams tanks from the U.S. have arrived in Ukraine. He thanked the U.S. for the tanks, and for the porno mags left in them by U.S. soldiers.

A leading exercise physiologist said more people in the U.S. are “skinny fat” – exercising, but still unhealthy because of their diet. This is also known as The Planet Fitness Effect.

Ryan Seacrest revealed that nothing will change when he takes over from Pat Sajak as host of Wheel Of Fortune. Producers rejected a proposal to implement ‘surge pricing’ for vowels.

Philadelphia-area photographers say many women booking “boudoir shoots” want their bedroom photos taken while wearing Philadelphia Eagles jerseys. Although some women question how badly their husbands and boyfriends want to have sex with a football player.

Expend4ables bombed at the box office, collecting just $8.3 million in ticket sales, and an even more disappointing $30 million in popcorn and soda sales.

Taylor Swift attended the Kansas City Chiefs game in the suite of Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, sitting next to Kelce’s mother. Their relationship is unclear, since Swift has already met Kelce’s mother, but haven’t exchanged friendship bracelets or tongues.

Swift and Kelce reportedly had a postgame dinner date at a local restaurant, where she paid all of the customers inside to leave early so they could have the place to themselves. However, several customers refused to leave until they finished their Moons Over My Hammy.

Chester County, Pennsylvania held a town hall meeting to address security concerns after the escape of murderer Danelo Cavalcante from the county jail. Residents in attendance became angry when two other fugitive murderers spoke at the meeting, then fled.

The daughter of a homeless Florida woman who was found dead in the jaws of an alligator started a GoFundMe to raise funeral expenses, and maybe get a handbag, belt and a pair of shoes out of the deal.

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Spirit Halloween turned 40 years old, and celebrated at its newest location once the Bed, Bath & Beyond finally got kicked out.

A small plane towing a banner crashed into the ocean near Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Even worse, the woman reading the marriage proposal on the banner said no.

A Maryland woman discovered she has at least 60 donor-conceived siblings – and boy, is her father’s arm tired.

Following Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce’s failed attempt to give Taylor Swift his phone number after her shows in Kansas City, Swift released a new single, ‘Ten-Digit Bracelet‘, bashing an unnamed “thirsty football horndog”.

Donald Trump has allegedly spent over $40 million in campaign money on legal fees. Lawyers now think that maybe they wouldn’t mind working for him after all.

In a tight U.S. job market, cases of illegal child labor are on the rise. It’s so bad, some Amazon warehouse workers unable to take bathroom breaks are urinating in their empty sippy cups.

99-year-old trucking company Yellow went out of business. Yellow operated in the Red for so long, they were turning Orange.

Large-breasted women are removing their bras and tossing them onstage at Drake concerts, including G, L, & H-cup undergarments. The women are thrilled at Drake’s attention, but some were injured by concertgoers stepping on their breasts as they exit.

A Japanese man spent $14,000 on a custom-made costume to make himself look like a collie, and went for his first public walk as a dog. Onlookers were unaware until he bagged and discarded his own stool.

A medical journal claims four-to-five minutes of daily “intense physical activity” could reduce cancer risk among non-exercisers. This is great news for men, bad news for women hoping the activity would last longer.

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McDonald’s reported strong second-quarter earnings thanks to its Grimace’s Birthday promotion and limited-time Grimace Shake. They’re hoping for similar positive results with the upcoming Hamburglar Granted Parole promotion.

NASA’s new space telescope, scheduled for launch in 2027, could spot up to 400 planets similar in size to Earth – and, in-between, allow NASA incel employees to look through bedroom windows in their neighborhoods.

A raccoon was spotted on a baggage carousel at Philadelphia International Airport. The raccoon appeared confused because he’d checked in on a Frontier flight from Orlando to Newark.

It was revealed that Mitch McConnell has fallen multiple times this year, and may have suffered some cognitive impairment by striking his head after failing to inflate his neck pouch in time.

A lost city believed to have been abandoned over 1,000 years ago was discovered in the Campeche jungle of Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula – soon to be the location of Mexico’s newest Starbucks.

The rebranded Twitter, X, reportedly took over the @X handle without notifying or compensating its owner. Since @XX was already taken by a bootlegger and @XXX by a porn star, he was offered @XXXX.

Rudy Giuliani admitted in court that he knew the Georgia results of the 2020 Presidential Election were authentic and lied about it. He still insists black is his natural hair color.

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce attempted to give Taylor Swift a bracelet with his phone number on it after her shows at Arrowhead Stadium, but was not allowed to meet her. Lil Nas X asked for the bracelet, but was similarly rejected.

Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill settled with an employee of a Miami marina, who he’d punched in the back of the head for refusing to allow him to board a boat. Other passengers were just happy to spot a dolphin before even leaving the dock.

More sex workers are coming forward claiming that they’d met alleged Gilgo Beach killer Rex Heuermann. The local sheriff said he’s taking private meetings with each of them to see if they really know what they’re doing.