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A Texas man changed his name to Literally Anybody Else so that he could announce his candidacy for U.S. President. He has yet to choose a running mate, but is leaning toward Whatever Dude and Who T.F. Cares.

A new study finds young people get most of their calories from processed food. Seizing the opportunity, Oscar Mayer plans to expand the Lunchables line to Breakfastables, Dinnerables and Snackables.

Joe Biden tested positive for COVID. Democrats are recommending he quarantine until at least the middle of November.

Ford will spend billions to expand large pickup truck production in a plant it had originally had planned for electric cars. They’ll also expand production of Truck Nutz in a plant originally intended for EV Nutz.

Amazon Prime Day drove a record $14.2 billion in sales, an 11% increase over 2023. A slightly lower 10% increase was recorded in delivery driver heat strokes.

Costco is selling an “apocalypse bucket” with food that will last 25 years. The bucket contains 80 entrees & sides, 30 breakfast servings, 40 powdered drink servings, and an Uber Eats Apocalypse coupon for when it runs out.

Kris Jenner underwent a hysterectomy to remove an ovarian tumor. Her boyfriend Corey Gamble said the worst part of her recovery was “not hooking up for two weeks”. And the second-worst part was “losing camera time to the tumor”.

An account on gaming website Steam which was believed to belong to Donald Trump’s assassin was determined to be fake. However an account belonging to him was verified on Out Of Steam.

Tiger Woods arrived to compete in The Open Championship in Scotland – as host course Royal Troon opened up a four-day pop-up Perkins Pancake house for him to spend time with hostesses.

14-year-old Cavan Sullivan made his Major League Soccer debut in the 85th minute for the Philadelphia Union in their 5-1 victory over the New England Revolution. Gracious Philadelphia sports fans say they’ll wait at least until he’s 16 before telling him he sucks.

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A Southwest Airlines jet is being investigated for taking off from a closed runway at Portland Airport. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines jet is being investigated after taking off from a dirt road in rural Alabama after picking up their last passenger at home.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft remains stuck at the International Space Station, with no definitive date for return. According to the Starliner crew, the guy ordered the parts but shipping takes, like, forever.

Steve Bannon’s final appeal for contempt of Congress failed and he must report to prison. Other prisoners looking at his belly realized they’ll need at least an 8-inch shank if it’s going to make a difference.

Uno and other board games are being modified so that colorblind people can enjoy them – taking away the last good excuse colorblind people had for saying “no thanks” to playing Uno on Thanksgiving and watching the football game.

Democrats are evalutating whether or not Joe Biden should drop out of the Presidential Race after his poor debate performance. Especially considering that his next faceoff with Donald Trump is a Presidential Big Mac Eating Contest.

WNBA Phoenix Mercury stars Diana Taurasi and Britney Griner were praised for taking a brief pregame moment to shake hands and speak with new Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark. Griner took an extra couple of seconds to repeat her cell phone number.

A new business trend is ‘fractional hiring’ – where businesses hire professionals possessing specific expertise on a part-time or contract basis. Those fractional hires then totally fire the more expensive full-time employees.

Walt Disney World reopened the Rock n’ Roller Coaster after a six-month refurbishment. It received a rave review from the guy and his kid who’ve been standing in line waiting to ride it since late January.

An anti-aging drug, rapamycin, has reportedly been proven to extend the life of mice in lab trials – so that the mice can go on to participate in other lab trials that will certainly shorten their life.

New York Police made multiple arrests when brawls broke out in the city’s Washington Square Park following the June 30th Pride Parade. Cops left the riot gear in their van after witnessing some of the softest punches ever thrown.

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A Missouri woman was arrested for putting Roundup weed killer in her husband’s soda after he wasn’t “appreciative” of the 50th birthday party she threw. The husband called police after noticing his Diet Mountain Dew tasted better.

Heavy rains struck Iowa, causing flooding and leading to concerns of a ‘fecal soup’ as manure storage facilities are damaged. Iowans say they might try the fecal soup, since the food options there are pretty limited.

Police in Los Angeles are considering criminal charges for whoever may have supplied late actor Matthew Perry with a lethal dose of ketamine. Persons of interest include Ugly Naked Guy and Fun Bobby.

More bars & restaurants are restricting entry to customers 30 & over. They say it cuts down on the number of loud, rowdy patrons, and keeps the servers from having to repeatedly say they don’t take Venmo or CashApp as payment next week sometime.

For the second year, Philadelphia was named the Most Walkable City In America by USA Today. For the tenth straight year, it was also named the Most Runnable City While Holding a Stab or Gunshot Wound by the American Medical Association.

Democrats are scrambling to limit the damage caused by President Biden’s disappointing performance in the first presidential debate – seeing if they can move the second debate to Amazon Prime Video or Peacock so fewer people will see it.

The NFL was fined $4.7 billion for violating antitrust laws by selling its ‘Sunday Ticket’ package of out-of-market games solely to DirecTV, and at an inflated price. Damages will be awarded to 26 million household & business customers, with extra punitive damages to anyone who paid specifically to watch Cleveland Browns games.

Oprah Winfrey said in an interview that she once declined an invitation to ‘Miami Vice’ star Don Johnson’s Christmas party because she was too fat – adding she was concerned Crockett would think she was Tubbs.

Taco Bell has entered the ‘Value Meal’ wars with the $7 Luxe Cravings deal. It includes a Chalupa Supreme taco, a 5-layer burrito, a double-stacked taco, chips with nacho cheese sauce, a medium drink, Immodium, and a note from the manager explaining why you can’t come to work tomorrow.

Riders of the New York City subway are concerned about plastic zip ties that appear to be used to hold parts of the track together. The transportation authority replied saying they’re not a concern, they’re just left over from damsels in distress being tied to the tracks by guys in top hats and capes.

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Dr. Pepper is now the U.S.’ 2nd-most-popular soda, surpassing Pepsi and trailing Coca-Cola. Mountain Dew remains the most popular soda-related cause of organ failure.

A man who survived a shark attack while swimming at a California beach said he repeatedly punched it in the face. The man was treated for bites to his hand, arm, and torso – and officials are looking for a shark with a black eye.

This is Pat Sajak’s last week hosting Wheel Of Fortune, but said in an interview he could have kept going, mainly because he’s paid eight figures to spin a wheel once, say numbers and letters, and be a dick to people.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft team said a “computer issue” caused them to abort launch for a second time. The Windows operating system update said “this will take a minute” and was stuck on 2% Complete for a half-hour.

Cyndi Lauper announced her final in-person shows, the Girls Just Want To Have Menopause Tour

A 74-year-old Nebraska woman – pronounced dead at a hospice care facility – was found breathing after being transported to a funeral home. For their part, the ambulance company offered a discount on a second round trip between the two facilities next week.

Utah’s NHL team – the former Arizona Coyotes – reportedly has four finalists for a team name: Mammoth; Yeti; & two others. The last two weren’t named by the team’s new owner, but Bigamists and Joseph Smiths are believed to be in the running.

A University of Pennsylvania study claims daily Omega-3 fatty acid supplements correlate with a 22% reduction in aggressive behavior. The study followed gang members who took Omega-3 and shot 22% fewer people while enjoying lower cholesterol and blood pressure.

Medical startup Sword Health showcased a new AI that can talk to sick people during appointments. So far it knows “we aren’t accepting new patients”; “we don’t take that insurance”; and “have you tried Tylenol?”

The owner of the world’s largest collection of fossilized poop is showcasing it at his new ‘Poozeum’ in Arizona. There are samples from ancient dinosaurs, as well as new exhibits featuring Rupert Murdoch, Joe Biden & Donald Trump.

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The Louvre museum may move the Mona Lisa to an underground room. She can come back upstairs once she’s ready to behave.

Self-driving tractor trailers will be on U.S. highways in late 2024, just as soon as they can recognize children making the bent-arm honk-your-horn gesture.

Walmart will close all 51 of its health care clinics in six states, citing financial losses, and a string of lawsuits from women claiming stockboys were offering pelvic exams.

An inflatable rescue slide flew off a Delta jet during takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport, landing in Queens and saving a family a few hundred bucks they would’ve spent renting a bounce house.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering moving the Super Bowl to the Sunday before President’s Day to make it a 3-day weekend. Or, just moving MLK Day to the day after the Super Bowl since it’s too close to New Year’s Day anyway.

The Kansas City Chiefs made Travis Kelce the highest paid tight end in NFL history with a 2-year $34 million contract extension. Meanwhile Taylor Swift earned $50 million from The Tortured Poets Department in 2 minutes, 34 seconds.

Donald Trump was found in contempt of court and fined $9,000 for violating his hush-money trial gag order nine times. Trump then told the court he can’t find a bond company to loan him the $9,000.

Trump will be allowed to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation by the judge in his hush money trial. However, he was blocked from giving the valedictorian’s speech.

The company owning Family Dollar & Dollar Tree will close 1,000 stores, with customers lined up outside of the locations for Going Out Of Business sales promising markdowns to 98 cents.

An Oklahoma man was arrested after going to a Starbucks drive-thru naked on multiple occasions “to see the pretty girls who work there”. The baristas said he’d switched to iced coffee after repeated burns to his lower body.

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A Carnival Cruise ship rescued 27 Cuban migrants adrift on a wooden boat bound for the U.S. They were taken on board, given food, and examined by the medical team after all of them contracted norovirus 10 minutes after boarding the Carnival ship.

O.J. Simpson was cremated. The Juice is now pulp.

A judge is considering holding Donald Trump in contempt of court for violating gag orders during his hush money trial, then holding him in contempt of court for complaining about being found in contempt of court, and so on..

Actress Anne Hathaway said in the early 2000s she had to ‘make out’ with 10 different actors auditioning to co-star in a film with her as a way of testing ‘chemistry’. The part went to the straight guy.

April 27th is the Drug Enforcement Agency’s ‘National Takeback Day’. Parents are encouraged to turn in unused prescription medications at designated sites, but to be careful not to use undesignated sites manned by high school stoners.

Taylor Swift revealed what inspired the 31 songs on her new album The Tortured Poets Department – 1 catchy riff that was stuck in her head, and 30 feelings of hatred and betrayal by old boyfriends.

NASA received its first update in five months from Voyager 1, the most distant spacecraft from Earth, reading “so sorry, totally slammed…s’up?”

A Virginia mom won $1,000,000 from a Powerball ticket purchased by her adult son. She then asked him why he has money for lottery tickets but not rent.

An Austrian company wants to build submersible superyachts for billionaires. Billionaires are skeptical of the business plan, since an underwater craft has nowhere for topless supermodels to sunbathe.

A mommy influencer on TikTok pushes the “9 minute theory” – the most important 9 minutes of your child’s day. It’s about picking 9 minutes of movies or cartoons that kids will sit still for while parents have sex.

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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.

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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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Historians have traced the romantic act of kissing on the lips as far back as 4,500 years, which is also when they discovery date of the first-ever Friend Zone.

The White House briefed lawmakers on a ‘serious national security threat’ related to Russia. They wouldn’t provide specifics, but said the threat probably had a Big Mac and Diet Coke for lunch before it went golfing.

Singles are reportedly sick of dating apps, and are increasingly attending in-person singles mixers to find partners. For their part, Tinder and Grindr say the “singles mixers” they help set up are still going strong.

The inventor of Pop-Tarts has died. He chose not to be cremated, but lightly browned.

Waymo, the self-driving car division of Google, recalled software after two of its vehicles struck the same truck. The truck had apparently cut them both off, spurring robot rage.

A sinkhole in Wilmington, Delaware partiallly swallowed a United States Postal Service truck. Fortunately, the rats living beneath the street were able to retrieve their Priority Mail packages themselves.

Two moms who work at McDonald’s are suing, because they say their break time is insufficient to pump breast milk, and that there’s no private place to do it. They also say they’re tired of managers suggesting they put any extra in the McFlurry machine.

A former Penn State University professor who’d already been arrested for having sex with his pet collie was arrested again for nudity in a public park with a tree branch and a Tootsie Pop in his rectum. Meanwhile, the collie just wants to move on with her life.

Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who famously identified as black, was fired from an elementary school teaching job over her OnlyFans account. She’s also confusing the OnlyFans customers who find her in the Ebony section.

The U.S. Government is looking to sell the seized $300 million yacht of a Russian oligarch because it costs $600,000 per month to maintain – including cleaning, marina rental, and feeding 200 prostitutes.