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Thomas Hatchett, an 86-year-old resident at a New Jersey retirement community, was charged with the shooting death of a 71-year-old fellow resident. Hatchett was apprehended watching whatever he wanted to on the rec room tv.

Nike canceled its Betsy Ross Flag shoes after Colin Kaepernick raised concerns – then laid off the bonnet-wearing Indonesian factory women sewing the flags on the shoes while sitting in rocking chairs.

Former Google employee Andy Rubin – founder of the Android operating system – is accused in divorce proceedings of having several mistresses and of running a ‘sex ring’. “Tell me more about this Android sex ring” said lonely Japanese bachelors.

The deadly poison Sarin was detected at a mailing facility on the Facebook campus. Employee reactions ranged from Wow! to Angry to Sad.

A former NASA intern who purchased footage of the 1969 moon landing for $218 may earn millions when it’s auctioned by Sotheby’s, who rated the video “flawless”. The auction will take place just as soon as someone edits out the director yelling “Action!”

A 70-year-old marathoner who set an age group record in the L.A. Marathon was disqualified for cheating. He claims he isn’t a bad guy, citing the 5-star review he gave to his Uber driver.

A Jim Beam warehouse containing 45,000 whiskey barrels caught fire. “I’LL save you!” said alcoholic Superman.

Domestic violence charges were dropped against Philadelphia Phillies outfielder Odubel Herrera.  Observers speculated that Herrera has four balls, cause it looks like he’s gonna walk.

A 10-foot 800-pound shark was tracked off of the Jersey Shore in Cape May. It’s believed the shark is a local, since it complained about the calamari.

President Trump’s July 4th celebration is rumored to be costing the National Parks Service $2.3 million – angering those saying that money is for employees who never clean or deodorize National Park restrooms.

 

 

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Jeff and Mackenzie Bezos’ $38 billion divorce settlement is almost complete, according to a lawyer at a Lamborghini dealership.

New York City began enforcement of its styrofoam ban. Emergency rooms were overflowing with burn and ulcer victims as Dunkin started pouring coffee directly into customers’ mouths.

According to a new study, one in five Americans say they’ve been hurt by someone else’s drinking. Four out of five really appreciate having that wingman.

House Democrats are calling for the investigation of a Secret Facebook group where Border Patrol agents make jokes about migrant deaths and post vulgar images of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. The group is launching their own investigation as to who wrecked the secret.

United Airlines apologized for putting a 14-year-old on the wrong international flight from Newark to Europe. They were able to get the teen on the correct flight, and compensated him with someone’s puppy they found in the cargo hold.

USA Today surveyed readers to find out the 25 most popular things they bought in the month of June. Not making the list? – USA Today.

Barnes & Noble opened a new store in Wilmington, Delaware. The new location is designed to be more customer-friendly, so they’ve widened the spaces between shelves to give drug addicts and vagrants more room to lie down.

Tom Brady posted an Instagram video of him cursing after hitting an errant tee shot while golfing, captioned with “when you forget the kids are in the cart”. Brady’s sons laughed, then got back to learning how to cheat at golf.

Walmart is using virtual reality headsets to test middle-management job candidates’ skills. So far, the virtual reality that elicits the best candidate response is the one where they work someplace other than Walmart.

A Bankrate.com study finds over 50% of Americans are losing sleep worrying about money – and are even more pissed off their Fitbits keep telling them they need more sleep.

University researchers in Mexico have created a form of biodegradeable plastic from the juice of the prickly pear cactus. Great news if you care about the environment and don’t mind slicing your lip open drinking bottled water.

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President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.

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Author’s Note: Happy Anniversary to my gorgeous & wonderful wife, Erin. I love you lots….

In a BBC interview, the Dalai Lama said President Trump lacks moral principle. Dalai Lama appeared confused when, for the first time, someone said to him “duhh”.

Apple’s chief design officer, Jony Ive, is leaving the company. Ive is credited with designing Apple’s most profitable innovation, the broken iPhone.

Google Maps rerouted drivers to Denver International Airport around an accident, but sent them down a muddy dirt road where dozens of them got stuck. Several said it was the second-worst thing that happened to them that day, next to flying Frontier Airlines.

Deepnude.com, an app that manipulated photos of women to make them appear naked, was killed off by its creator – but not before the site crashed when someone tried it out with a picture of Betty White.

Cookie Monster appeared at Wrigley Field and led the crowd in the traditional 7th-inning stretch singalong of ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. Meanwhile, EMTs were called to the bleachers to treat his friend, Oscar the Grouch, who was trashed.

On a new episode of “Whistleblowers” a pharmaceutical sales rep for Cephalon describes how he was told to sell Actiq – a lollipop made with powerful opioid Fentanyl. The last straw was when they Cephalon make the lollipops look like Spongebob Squarepants.

Amazon is partnering with Rite-Aid — customers can now pick up their Amazon orders in Rite-Aid stores at the same time they shoplift candy & medicine.

New Jersey officials claim a toxic algae bloom is giving swimmers in Lake Hopatcong harmful rashes – citing skin examinations of multiple mobsters dredged off of the lake bottom.

According to required SEC filings, Google workers’ median 2018 pay was $246,804, compared to Amazon workers’ median pay of just $28,836.  “This is bullsh*t” said Alexa.

Still photos from the set of Marvel’s ‘Black Widow’ movie starring Scarlett Johansson show the title character facing her most challenging nemesis yet – someone who can really act.

 

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Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

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16 people were charged in a drug operation- smuggling oxycontin pills from California to Pennsylvania inside stuffed animals. “I don’t want you spending time with that teddy bear anymore” said a toddler’s mom.

Pennsylvania’s GOP chairman resigned after he texted pics of his genitals to a woman candidate for Philadelphia City Council, and asked her to send pics back. The search for a successor to lead PA’s Gland Old Party are underway.

Federal prosecutors accuse California congressman Duncan Hunter of improperly using campaign donations to fund at least five extramarital relationships. Worse, none of the women voted for him.

The New York Mets fired their pitching coach and promoted 81-year-old Phil Regan to take the job. Regan was 46 at the beginning of spring training.

According to YouGov.com, 40% of 18-to-24-year-olds haven’t applied antiperspirant or deodorant in the last month. 2019 proms & graduations were reportedly the smelliest on record.

Modern Family actress Sarah Hyland spent the weekend in a hospital. She was suffering from difficulty breathing and chest pains – baffling doctors, since she wasn’t in the Dominican Republic.

Cameo – seller of personalized messages from celebrities – has raised $50 million in funding. A message from Snoop Dogg sells for $3,000; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sells for $500. Cameo says their biggest customer complaint is finding out Don Knotts is dead.

San Francisco made it official – becoming the first city to ban e*cigarettes. “NOW what are we going to suck on??” asked a handful of protesters.

To compete with Amazon Prime Day, Target announced “Target Deal Days”, also on July 15 & 16. In Target’s case, the big deal is that the checkout registers will actually work.

The International Olympic Committee voted in favor of a proposal to make break dancing an Olympic sport at the 2024 Paris games. Hollywood immediately began casting Breakin’ 6: Olympic Boogaloo.

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Ten Philadelphia Police Academy recruits resigned after officials found they planned to cheat on an exam. Philly cops were happy with their decision, saying that, lacking proper training, the rookies wouldn’t know how to properly split bribes.

Knoxville police arrested Dorrae Johnson for DUI and found a dead man’s torso in the car. Johnson hit the deceased, split him in two, and left half the body at the scene. He was charged with homicide and using the carpool lane with less than two whole occupants.

7-Eleven is offering delivery of its most popular items. Store owners will now go to your house to be robbed.

Over twenty Hollywood stars presented a 10-act staging of the Mueller report Monday evening. Said the playwright, “There are no small parts, just some obstructions of justice smaller than others.”

Bernie Sanders announced a plan to retire all $1.5 trillion of outstanding student debt. He was immediately presented with an invoice for $1 billion from the bursar’s office of Trump University.

Eldorado Resorts will acquire Caesars Entertainment Corporation for $8.58 billion. They’re good for it..they just need a little more time to come up with the money.

A new app, Bye Bye Camera, removes all people from the photos. Instead of selfies, it takes nobodies.

At a Buffalo Wild Wings near Los Angeles, a live rat fell from the ceiling on to a customer’s table. The restaurant was shut down as the manager determines how the rat got from the fryer to the ceiling.

Walmart is using artificial intelligence to reduce theft at its self checkout kiosks. In addition to “scan your next item” and “place the item in the bagging area”, the kiosks also say “freeze dirtbag you’re under arrest”.

Five men are dead after a golf course argument in California erupted in gunfire. Police are examining shell casings and scorecards to see how many shots it took them to finish five holes.

 

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A U.S. doctor said he used his Apple Watch to detect a deadly heart condition. The watch determined he was lifting a Double Whopper at Burger King.

The FDA approved Vyleesi, a drug to stimulate women’s sexual desire, administered via self-injection to the thigh or abdomen. However, women are advised against telling their partner they’re ready for sex because they just stabbed themselves in the stomach.

A French golfer was disqualified from a tournament because he ran out of balls on the 16th hole. The French golfer contended it wasn’t disqualification, it was surrender.

A University of California – Irvine study claims ocean bacteria colonize your body after 10 minutes of swimming. Bacteria at the Jersey Shore colonized swimmers’ bodies and made them smell like Polo and Drakkar Noir.

The Centers for Disease Control claims 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. They actually believe the number is even higher, because arthritic shoulders keep some from raising their hands to be counted.

‘Love & Hip Hop’ star Teairra Mari was arrested for DUI after driving her car through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel with only three wheels. She’s scheduled to appear in court, and then in an upcoming episode of ‘Pimp My Four-Door Tricycle’.

Senator Bernie Sanders is proposing the elimination of all $1.6 trillion in student debt by taxing Wall Street institutions. “Cool!” said a master’s degree holder in art history during their break at an Amazon warehouse.

Half of the global Internet was down as of 7a.m. Monday morning. If you’re reading this, nevermind.

Manhattan Cryobank – a New York City sperm bank – is facing multiple lawsuits from buyers who claim they were sold sperm carrying genetic diseases. They’re seeking financial damages, and have refused Manhattan Cryobank’s offer of store credit.

In Spain, citizens celebrated El Colacho, where men dress as devils and hurdle over newborn babies to drive away evil. Only thin, athletic “devils” are used for obvious reasons.

 

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The NBA held its 2019 Draft on Thursday night, coinciding with Vogue Magazine’s 2019 Worst Dressed List release party.

An early-morning petroleum refinery explosion in South Philadelphia was felt for several miles. Residents are thankful it happened in between gas explosions at dining areas of Pat’s and Geno’s steaks.

Industry experts say cannabis sales could reach $15 billion globally in 2019 – or, $50 over $15 billion if your friend’s buddy comes through.

Lindsay Lohan signed a record deal with Casablanca Records – free download codes for her new album are expected to hit yogurt containers in 2020.

‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ star Margaret Josephs was honored for her contributions to the Englewood, NJ community – by staying out of it.

A benign cyst was found on retired WWE diva Nikki Bella’s brain – surgeons worked several hours detaching it with blows from a folding chair.

Outside of Hollywood dining hotspot Craig’s, a shirtless ‘Ivan Drago’ lookalike Russian in boxing shorts & gloves challenged Justin Bieber to a fistfight. It’s the kind of Russian interference every American supports.

CBS News is exposing a scam where counterfeit surgical screws were placed in the backs of spinal fusion patients in Southern California. Patients describe their suspicions when told their surgery would take place in the storeroom of Ace Hardware.

A Samsung exec told the crowd at an event in Seoul that the months-delayed folding smartphone Samsung Galaxy Fold is “ready to hit the market!” He appeared alongside executives from Dollar General and Big Lots.

Google responded to a Wall Street Journal report that there are millions of fake business listings in Google Maps.  Users reportedly drove for hours trying to find Mike Hunt Subaru and Mike Hunt Mini Cooper dealerships.

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Facebook announced its new cryptocurrency, Libra. It’s the easy-to-understand alternate currency from the people who brought you Facebook Privacy Settings.

  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg highlighted the need for a new cryptocurrency, because after the first few billion, U.S. dollars get boring.

Marvel Studios is rereleasing Avengers: Endgame with new scenes: of a mortuary technician’s electrocution death from pouring embalming fluid on the thing in Tony Stark’s chest, and Thanos hip-hop dancing to Snap “I’ve Got The Power”.

Rotten Tomatoes published a list of 150 Erotic Movies – Ranked Worst to Best. No men have yet challenged the rankings cause they’ve been stuck in the 140s for a while now.

Conservative publication National Review gave one of the few negative reviews to Disney’s upcoming Toy Story 4, citing cowboy Woody’s refusal to detain toys made in Mexico.

Apple will offer device repair at over 1,000 Best Buy stores, at locations called The Not Exactly Genius Bar.

Google announced a new initiative with 4-H Clubs to bring coding skills to rural towns. They just need computers with keyboards big enough for the cows’ & pigs’ hooves.

Actress Bella Thorne issued a tearful video in response to Whoopi Goldberg’s criticism of her for the release of hacked nude pictures. Goldberg said Thorne shouldn’t take nudes to begin with, a sentiment echoed by Goldberg’s long-ago boyfriend, Ted Danson in blackface.

The Federal Reserve chose not to increase interest rates, meaning borrowers’s rates will remain the same on student loans they won’t pay back anyway.

A doctor in England removed a patient’s 2 1/2-centimeter-long chunk of earwax and posted it online. The patient’s hearing was restored and they also solved the mystery of the family’s missing hamster.

BuzzFeed posted a list of photographs of first class meals on 24 different airlines.  Spirit Airlines photo was a picture of a shirtless stowaway vagrant eating an egg salad sandwich in the cargo hold.

San Francisco became the first city to ban e*cigarettes – while announcing a concurrent  plan to provide Juul’ing douchebags safe spaces to kick their habit such as poetry slams and comedy open mics.