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Scientists have identified cases of ‘flurona’ – the seasonal flu combined with coronavirus. In one rare case a flurona patient was bitten by a deer tick, giving them Flurona with Lyme.

A new study claims ‘celebrity-obsessed’ people are less intelligent. Study findings are disputed by the Beverly Hills MENSA chapter, who start meetings at 8p so they don’t miss TMZ.

Taco Bell is selling a $10 monthly subscription service where you get one taco a day. For $20 they’ll bring the tacos to you at Planet Fitness.

Pope Francis said couples who don’t have children and adopt pets instead are selfish and harming humanity. That, and priests don’t derive as much enjoyment out of molesting dogs & cats.

An Amazon warehouse worker urged customers not to buy beverages for home shipping, because their weight and shape damage the machines. The machines, in this case, meaning warehouse workers.

After admitting to cheating on ex Khloe Kardashian, Tristan Thompson sent 100 roses to True Thompson, his toddler daughter with her – one for every pending paternity test for which he’s awaiting results.

Two Texas researchers developed an inexpensive COVID vaccine that they believe will solve the dilemma of raising vaccine rates in uneducated, impoverished third-world areas like remote areas of Asia, Africa , and…most of Texas.

Viral video shows a fistfight at Disney’s Hollywood Studios park in the line for the Toy Story Mania ride, where a guest was punched to infinity and beyond.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson vacationed in the Bahamas, while Kanye West went to dinner with new girlfriend Julia Fox in Miami, as their four children continue to enjoy plenty of free time wherever the hell they are.

BMW debuted a 31-inch theater screen, window dimming & surround sound for backseat passengers in its luxury vehicles. The feature is activated when any backseat passenger says the activaton phrase “are we there yet?”

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Stephanie Matto, star of 90 Day Fiance, shut down her business selling farts in a jar, claiming her diet of smoothies, beans and eggs caused severe gas pains. She’ll issue refunds for customers who bought gift cards to give out at Christmas.

A sign posted in a University of Maryland dormitory informs male students that masturbating in the shower is a housing code violation, and that the pipes “aren’t designed to handle semen”. That, and there’s a rash of unwanted pregnancies in campus sewer rats.

The European Union banned tattoo ink containing carcinogenic chemicals. Tattoo artists say this is hurting their ability to serve loyal customers who want new tattoos to commemorate their cancer battle.

Verizon & AT&T refused to delay the launch of 5G technology at the request of the FAA, who is concerned 5G may interfere with airline communication. “My jet is going down!” said an airline passenger over a smartphone with a speedy and reliable Verizon 5G connection.

French President Emmanuel Macron said he intends to “piss off” unvaccinated French citizens with severe restrictions to their ability accessing public places. Actually he said something sounding more like “peas uff” but French people still understood him.

AirlineRatings.com, an industry website, named Air New Zealand 2022’s Safest Airline based on crash & incident records, age of aircraft, COVID protocols, and fewest sticky seats from duct-taping enraged passengers.

KFC will begin selling plant-based Beyond Fried Chicken nuggets, which taste like chicken, but isn’t. This is different from their standard offering, which tastes like chicken, and mostly is.

For the first time, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor‘ had a bachelorette withdraw from the competition. Salley, a woman who’d been engaged but called off the wedding, said she was going home. Producers were confused, saying they didn’t know how to handle contestants behaving with dignity.

‘Real Housewives Of Miami’ star Lisa Hochstein said she’s removing her cosmetic ‘facial fillers’, saying she wants her face to look empty again.

John Deere introduced a fully autonomous self-driving tractor, which plows and harvests fields so farmers can spend more time in the barn building relationships with cows and sheep.

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Kane Tanaka, the world’s oldest living person, turned 119 on Sunday in Fukuoka, Japan. She is also the oldest living person who’s never received a Starbucks gift card for her birthday.

OJ Simpson posted a video to social media, calling Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Antonio Brown quitting mid-game “unacceptable”. Simpson also called Brown’s history of alleged domestic abuse “acceptable”.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick also addressed the Antonio Brown story, saying his team has a a specific process in place for players with mental health issues, known as the waiver process.

A winter storm stranded motorists for 18 hours on I-95 in Virginia between Richmond and Washington, DC – adding 25 minutes to their usual commute.

A man on his deathbed in suburban Boston confessed to his family that he was a fugitive robber who’d stolen $215,000 from a Cleveland bank in 1969. He died peacefully, happy he never had to return to Cleveland.

NBA star Tristan Thompson confirmed he fathered a baby with another woman while in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Thompson wrote to Kardashian “you don’t deserve this” – meaning either his betrayal, or his sperm.

Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four counts of defrauding investors in her blood-testing startup. While awaiting sentincing, she plans to spend time changing her blood testing machines that don’t work into COVID testing machines that don’t work.

The National Hockey League postponed its 92nd game this season, leading to a spike in ratings for TV networks that would otherwise be showing hockey games.

Novak Djokovic will defend his Australian Open tennis title despite being unvaccinated, after being granted a waiver by a panel of independent medical professionals who bet a lot of money on Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.

A golfer in Australia had his driver snapped after a giant robber crab attacked his clubs. The golfer triple-bogeyed the next hole and asked the crab to break his putter too.

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Disney Parks announced the reopening of Typhoon Lagoon, a water park that’s been closed for two years. The current wait time for a water slide is two years.

A middle-aged man participating in the Coney Island Polar Plunge on New Years Day suffered a heart attack and had to be dragged from the ocean, where he was given CPR and left in an ambulance. Onlookers called it “the least-sexy Baywatch episode ever”.

Scientists are worried about the spread of COVID-19 from humans to deer, who are contracting it from close contact with the front bumpers of cars.

Congressman Marjorie Taylor Greene’s personal Twitter account was permanently suspended after posting lies about deaths from COVID vaccines. She’s allowed to keep her professional account, because lies from Congress are considered standard.

The January 6th Committee has “firsthand” knowledge of Donald Trump watching the riots on tv and doing nothing – specifically, a recorded call from Trump to Xfinity customer service because Fox News had briefly gone off-air.

Ghislaine Maxwell has reportedly been placed on “suicide watch”. Following the death of Jeffrey Epstein, prison officials increased the detail from two guards to four who won’t do anything about it.

An Australian man protesting the country’s vaccine mandates set himself on fire. He was rescued and listed in critical but stable condition at a nearby hospital, where he added he also was protesting the high price of the gasoline he used.

Police in Amsterdam used riot gear and attack dogs to disperse a crowd gathered to protest public gatherings. Video shows a German Shepherd locking on a protester’s arm, then later locking down on his handler’s arm after he tried to swab the dog’s nose for COVID.

Actress Betty White passed away at age 99. Televised celebrations of her 100th birthday will still go ahead as planned, with other nonagenarian actresses led by Angela Lansbury taking 20 minutes to blow out all the birthday candles.

Inmates at the prison which once housed Bill Cosby still call him several times a week. Most are seeking guidance, others are looking for drink-mixing advice to welcome their new cellmate.

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Colorado’s Marshall wildfire has expanded to 6,200 acres, leading to the posthumous rerelease of little-known John Denver song ‘Rocky Mountain Hot‘.

Speculation is growing that Ghislaine Maxwell will try to cut a deal with prosecutors seeking to charge other acquaintances of Jeffrey Epstein, so long as she doesn’t leave them hanging.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared racism a “public health emergency”, but denied the request of thousands of New York bigots trying to claim disability benefits for the disease they’re spreading.

A new analysis finds the J&J COVID vaccine is 85% effective preventing hospitalization, and 15% effective making people lying in ICUs wish they’d gotten Moderna or Pfizer instead.

Singer Grimes posted a baby-bump photo, sparking rumors that she’s once again pregnant after another test launch of Elon Musk’s rocket.

Heather Rae Young, new wife of ‘Flip Or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa, documented her fertility process on social media. El Moussa is taking a brief break from fixer-uppers to focus on knock-er-uppers.

Orlini Kaipara of New Zealand’s News Channel 3 became the first-ever network news anchor with face tattoos – securing the milestone after Mike Tyson failed an audition to take over for Chris Cuomo on CNN.

The people of Spain mark the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve with a tradition of eating 12 grapes for good luck – though others just chug wine, the equivalent of a couple hundred grapes.

Male officials of Jordan’s Parliament brawled after a session debating amending the constitution to explicitly recognize female citizens. No one was hurt, because they threw punches like girls.

Blackberry devices will lose call, data & text functionality as of January 4th. So if 2002 calls to ask for its cell phone back, you won’t be able to answer it.

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Ghislaine Maxwell was convicted on sex trafficking charges, and faces up to 65 years in prison. She’s already put the finishing touches on a 50-page instruction manual for her visitors, and anyone giving her a jailhouse massage.

Vladimir Putin requested a phone call with Joe Biden and Biden accepted. They’re expected to discuss Russian troop buildup on the Ukraine border, and if Biden kept a gift receipt for the Yankee Candle he sent for Christmas.

Trucking startup TuSimple – which uses self-driving 18-wheelers to move cargo – successfully completed its first 80-mile test on public roads, hitting just three deer and two hitchhikers, and delivering a two-ton payload of meth to another driverless truck.

Electronics company JLab is selling $20 wireless earbuds in seven different skintone colors, to match the complexion of ethnically diverse users for two weeks until they break because they’re $20 earbuds.

The City of Detroit announced plans to demolish the headquarters of defunct automaker American Motors Corporation. They’ve been delaying it for years because it’s haunted by old Gremlins.

Katy Perry opened her Vegas residency at Resorts World doing an onstage bit where she lactates a Corona beer out of her right breast. Her attempt to lactate a lime wedge out of her left breast failed.

Actor Chris Noth was photographed walking by himself in NYC’s Central Park on Christmas Day, amidst four different allegations of unwanted stocking-stuffing.

A woman’s throat hurt during her flight from New Jersey to Iceland, so she self-tested for COVID and was positive. Flight attendants then kept her in a bathroom for five hours, where the woman said the hardest part was duct-taping herself to the toilet during turbulence.

The U.S. Department of Energy recommends setting your thermostat to 68 degrees during winter months, then turning it down by 7-10 degrees at night. They say this will save you up to 10 percent on energy bills, which you can spend on fixing your marriage.

Viral video shows an 11-month old Chinese baby snowboarding before she can even walk. Her parents say she’s well protected, and that they can tell when she’s filled her diaper because she falls on her back.

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Meryl Streep used a body double in Netflix film ‘Don’t Look Up’, where she’s shown nude from behind in the final scene. Nonetheless, the buttocks were already nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

Dr. Dre reportedly settled his divorce with ex-wife Nicole Young for $100 million, payable in installments of wads of $100 bills stuffed into her underwear.

Bing Crosby’s California estate in the Coachella Valley is on the market with a $4.5 million asking price. The current owner is being selective about buyers, ruling out those touring the home just to see the rooms where Crosby beat his children.

Amanda Renee Henry was arrested for assaulting flight attendants on a Spirit Airlines flight after they cut off her alcohol. Henry was also vaping, making lewd advances to male passengers, and trying to break open the cabin door while in the air. She’s expected to take a leave of absence as Spirit’s CEO.

Archaeologists say Africans used beads to express status and emotions over 50,000 years ago, creating what they call the oldest social network on record. They say the most popular beads were the ones indicating Mute and Interested in tribal gatherings.

Nearly 17 feet of snow has fallen in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains in December alone. State weather researchers reported the totals alongside news of another 10-year-old suffering a heart attack while shoveling driveways.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who revealed in 2018 she suffers from alopecia, gave a recent update on her condition. The update is “still bald”.

Comedian Amy Schumer had a cosmetic facial procedure – ‘cheek fillers’ – dissolved, once she realized no other female comedians had jokes she could copy about getting cheek fillers.

A hiker searching for deer antlers near Branson, Missouri found the skeletal remains of missing MMA fighter David Koenig, who’d disappeared two years earlier. The hiker requested privacy during this difficult time of not finding any deer antlers.

Legendary NFL coach & broadcaster John Madden died at age 85, evoking both emotional tributes and outrage as EA Sports announced, then cancelled, plans to rename its football video game Collinsworth 2022.

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Atlantic City announced an expansion to its multi-million-dollar surveillance camera system. The cameras are used in high-activity areas to monitor crime, and also to take & sell souvenir photos with a real Atlantic City prostitute.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he doesn’t think Americans should expect a vaccine mandate for air travel, but he does recommend travelers continue to wear masks, and learn to throw a punch for the occasional mid-flight brawl.

After a first time capsule from 1887 was unearthed beneath a Robert E. Lee statue in Richmond, a second time capsule was found. The first one contained books & letters, the second one contained the world’s oldest Starbucks gift cards.

A man was arrested after murdering a man he met on Grindr and eating his testicles. His legal team is asking that cannibalism charges be dismissed because the victim requested to be an organ donor.

Habitat for Humanity completed and donated its first-ever 3D-printed house. It was later robbed by a guy with a 3D-printed gun.

A bird flu outbreak in Israel led to the slaughter of half a million infected chickens. And boy are the farmers chasing them tired.

Doctors are sharing ways to tell if you have a common cold or the Omicron variant of COVID. They say the key differences with Omicron are loss of taste &/or smell, and severe headache. Men are increasingly hearing “not tonight, I have Omicron”.

Patricia Cornwall, arrested for punching an 80-year-old man on a Delta flight in a mask dispute, was booked for DUI just last month. Cornwall is now booking a cruise, where she plans to get arrested and complete her air, land & sea trifecta.

Balaclavas a.k.a. ski masks are a hot apparel trend. Bank tellers are having a tough time telling if customers are there to shoot them, or just fashionable.

Amazon’s Alexa assistant told a 10-year-old girl to play with a live electrical outlet. The girl didn’t do it, but thanked Alexa for her next idea to go play in traffic.

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Rutledge Deas IV, 31, of Metairie, Louisiana, was arrested for faking being handicapped to get caregivers to change his diapers. He was found guilty of the same crime in 2019, and was sentenced to probation and unsuccessful toilet training.

Rather than pay $22,000 to replace the battery in his 2013 Tesla Model S, a man in Finland filled it with 66 pounds of dynamite and blew it up. A YouTube video of the explosion has racked up thousands of views, but the man says he can’t find his dog.

A former TikTok content moderator is suing the company, saying she screened thousands of traumatic videos, but the company did nothing to protect her mental health. Asked what was in the videos, she said mostly teachers and dads dancing.

Yu Siang Garden, a Chestnut Hill, Pennsylvania Chinese restaurant, was robbed on Christmas Day. It’s a crime that had many other would-be robbers saying to themselves “now why didn’t I think of that?”

Multiple cruise ships are reporting COVID outrbreaks and are returning to their home ports. These include the Norwegian Corona, Carnival Delta, and Royal Caribbean Omicron.

T Mark Taylor, designer of the original He-Man and Masters of the Universe toys, died at age 80 in Southern California, but he will live on through Eternia.

A woman was disinvited from her friend’s wedding party because she was told she looked too good in the bridesmaid dress. She’s doing fine, but four of the ushers and groomsmen volunteered to check on her just in case.

Ayanna Davis, 20, a substitute teacher at a Florida high school, admitted to sex with an underaged student, which was recorded and shown to members of the football team. Police have not seen the video but are trying to find it, and are being aided in their search by every teen boy at the high school.

Las Vegas police who pulled over a pickup truck for a routine traffic stop found a severed head and several other body parts stuffed in a cooler. Cops arrested the man, who they describe as a “pretty terrible magician”.

Actress Valerie Bertinelli shared a tearful Instagram video discussing her struggles with weight and body image, then deleted thousands of comments under it from people making bad “take it ‘One Day At A Time'” puns.

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Merry Christmas! Thanks for reading and enjoy a peaceful, healthy holiday. CD

Paraplegic GOP Congressman & Trump supporter Madison Cawthorn announced he’s divorcing his wife after just 8 months of marriage. Turns out the only thing close to an erection he can get is an insurrection.

Doctors and nurses are being harassed by unvaccinated COVID-19 patients demanding treatment with animal dewormer ivermectin while hospitalized. Then they’re refusing transfers to the barn where they can get the treatment they want.

Over 2,000 global flights were canceled on Christmas Eve as staff call out sick with COVID-19. Spirit Airlines is able to keep a full schedule, thanks to special Incubator Flights, where all passengers & crew must first test positive for COVID.

Pete Davidson was turned away at a California marijuana dispensary, supposedly for failure to produce proper ID. Luckily about a thousand local freelancers are willing to waive ID requirements.

Comet Leonard, also known as the Christmas Comet, will light up the night sky through the balance of December. “On Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen…On Leonard, Cupid, Donner & Blitzen” said a fat guy.

An 8-foot long acquatic dinosaur fossil found in the Nevada mountains may provide unique insights to evolution. It’s the oldest fossil in Nevada that isn’t standing in line for the buffet at Caesar’s Palace.

Caitlyn Jenner underwent knee replacement surgery, and is now another step closer to being a new woman with every bone in her body.

Alec Baldwin sent out a holiday message thanking those who supported him during the ‘Rust’ tragedy, saying he’d take a bullet for any of them, or maybe not.

Scientists discovered life 200 meters below the ice shelf in Antarctica. “So much for privacy” said the two emperor penguins who’d worked hard to get some alone time.

Tesla Auto announced they’ll no longer provide video games to play on the dashboard console. They made the announcement as the Tesla world record holder in Tetris was scraped out from under a tractor trailer.