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Cris Galera, a Brazilian lingerie model, recently “married herself” outside of a Sao Paulo Catholic Church to preach a message of “self love”. And boy, were her hands tired the next day.

A Michigan man had six kidney beans removed from his urethra after shoving them in the end of his penis for sexual gratification. He’s now okay, but visiting friends refuse to eat his chili.

Afghan women are dressing in rainbow colors to express their displeasure with Afghanistan’s oppressive patriarchical rules. The Taliban calls the women’s futures “rainbow no-so-brite”.

SpaceX successfully launched the first all-civilian crew into orbit, where one argued about masks & the 2020 election, becoming the first civilian astronaut to be duct-taped to their seat.

Walmart is offering a $30 discount for preorders of the new ninth-generation iPad, but is also charging Walmart shoppers $30 if they want to learn how to charge it and turn it on.

Mobile messaging platform WhatsApp is testing a Yellow Pages-style business directory. Businesses won’t need to create a listing, because WhatsApp owner Facebook already stole all the information they need to make it.

Brian Laundrie, 23, is now a “person of interest” in the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito, after she vanished during their cross-country road trip. Laundrie refuses to speak to police and hired a lawyer, who privately calls him a “guy who probably did it”.

Magician Dustin Tavella is the Season 16 winner of America’s Got Talent, beating out aerialists, comedians, singers and martial artists who got more talent.

Rapper Fat Joe is under fire for lyrics he used in a rap battle against Ja Rule, calling female rapper Lil Mo a “dusty bitch” that Ja Rule found in a crackhouse. Lil Mo objected to being called bitch & crackhead, saying her preferred nicknames are ‘shawty’ and ‘hoochie mama’.

British retailer Marks & Spencer blames the poor European economy and Brexit for its announced closure of 11 stores, in what they’re calling The Oh, Bother, This Is Dreadful News, Isn’t It? Store Closure Sale.

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Police are searching for an Oklahoma man who defecated in a grocery store freezer, where a woman put her hands in it while reaching for Totino’s Pizza Rolls. She still eats pizza rolls, but has sworn off Fudgsicles for life.

COVID-19 is now the number one cause of death among U.S. law enforcement officers. In a rare act of unity, the Bloods, Crips, MS-13 and Latin Kings have all made COVID-19 an honorary member.

Rapper Saweetie teamed up with Hidden Valley Ranch to endorse a limited edition of Crocs footwear, whose green-flecked beige color mimics the look of the salad dressing, while the rubber of the shoes mimics the taste of vegetables dipped in it.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index survey, McDonald’s is the “least-trusted” U.S. fast-food chain. Conversely, Arby’s is the chain most-trusted to make respondents feel ill.

The Justice Department is reviewing its policies on housing transgender inmates in federal prisons, including guidelines for honeymoon nights when transgender prisoners get married.

Copenhagen was named ‘World’s Safest City’ by The Economist. Through 15 pages of single-spaced listings, still no sign of Chicago.

Habitual users of cannabis, especially teens, are reportedly experiencing severe abdominal pain and uncontrollable vomiting. Emergency room doctors in legal-marijuana states blame the new Hidden Valley Ranch line of THC edibles.

Antoine Dodson – star of the viral 2010 “Hide yo wife, hide yo kids” video – started a GoFundMe to pay funeral expenses for his mother. “Find yo credit cards, find yo Paypal” he says in a new video.

Actor Jason London, star of 1993’s ‘Dazed and Confused’ was arrested for DUI after police found him behind the wheel of a car that crashed, was stuck in a ditch and on fire. Cops described the vehicle as “a lot like London’s career”.

Bam Margera’s wife has not yet filed for divorce, but is seeking sole custody of their 3-year-old son. She said she’d like Bam to have visitation rights, but supervised, and only after he’s removed the beehive from his head.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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A 7-year-old boy in Perkasie, Pennsylvania found a cache of hand grenades in his backyard. The boy is unharmed, but successfully negotiated three straight nights of ice cream for dinner.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission, which no longer uses human toll-takers, said their system of billing users by scanning license plates has left them with over $100 million in unpaid tolls, over $30,000 from a vehicle known only as FAK-PLAT.

New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attended the Met Gala in a white floor-length gown with the phrase TAX THE RICH in red letters on the back. Fashion experts said the gown was exquisite, and her ass looked RICH.

Gay rapper Lil Nas X also attended the Met Gala, then left to attend an orgy, the Meat Gala.

Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly quarantining after several cases of COVID-19 broke out in his entourage. Meanwhile, Putin’s COVID-positive associates are being treated with bullets.

Tanya Fear, a British actress who appeared in the series ‘Doctor Who‘, has been found after being reported missing in Los Angeles. Los Angeles Police enlisted the help of Doctor Where.

A 22-year-old woman disappeared while on a cross-country trip with her boyfriend. She was last seen in person on August 23rd, and last seen online August 24th where she Tinder matched with a grizzly bear.

Rapper Blueface faces assault charges after violently attacking the doorman at a California club. The doorman was taken to an area hospital, where he is now known as Bruiseface.

Nicki Minaj was dragged on Twitter for a post claiming her cousin’s friend’s wedding was called off after he received the COVID vaccine and his testicles became swollen. Minaj reportedly had the vaccine in her buttocks and those got really big also.

Apple issued an Urgent Software Update to protect against a vulnerability in its iMessage platform – adding that the iOS download and install is the most important three hours you’ll spend today.

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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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An Indiana University football player wore a jersey reading ‘INDINIA’ in Saturday’s game. The game marked a career high rushing day, with 120 yards for Indinia Franklin.

A girl died on a Colorado “Haunted Mine Drop” attraction, that plunges riders 110 feet into a mountain cavern. So far, investigators have ruled out ghosts.

A viral video shows a fight between two women on a ferry boat at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. The fight broke up and EMTs arrived to reattach ears and feathers.

Universities reopened in Afghanistan following the government overthrow by the Taliban, with curtains separating male and female students in classrooms. It wasn’t all good news, as Kabul Tech fell 89-0 to Islamabad in the Middle East Conference Kickoff Classic.

Musk ducks are the only waterfowl capable of vocal learning and expression, according to a decades-old study in Australia. The study captured ducks repeating human phrases, and creating some of their own, like “I’m sick of eating wet bread”.

COVID-19 infection rates in South Dakota shot up 600% since the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally attracted a crowd of 250,000 people in August. Also shooting up – customers of drug-dealing bikers at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.

A website where ‘whistleblowers’ can report Texas abortions was shut down for the second time. But it’s okay, because the site was aborted within six weeks of launch.

Richmond, Virginia will remove a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee – to make room for a statue of Christopher Columbus that they bought on eBay.

Gymnast Simone Biles replied to criticism over her pulling out of Olympics events, writing “I can’t hear you over my 7 Olympic medals”. Other Olympians were unaware that the medals doubled as wireless Bluetooth speakers.

New studies find evidence of “superhuman” immunity to COVID-19 in some individuals. Oddly enough, none are Trump supporters who died after pledging to never wear masks or get vaccinated.

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San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.

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Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

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Senator Rand Paul claims “hatred for Trump” is preventing clinical trials of the livestock dewormer Ivermectin as a means of curing COVID-19. Doctors say there’s nothing stopping Sen. Paul from doing his own trial anytime he wants.

The U.S. completed its pullout from Afghanistan, but promised to call or text in a day or two.

The Taliban said it will permit women to attend university, but mixing of genders in classes and activities will not be allowed. They then introduced the new all-male cheer squad at Kabul University.

An alligator attacked and killed a man at his Louisiana home flooded by Hurricane Ida. Prior to the attack, the alligator asked if the man had anything to eat, and the he told the alligator “no”.

The Caldor Fire is forcing evacuations near Lake Tahoe, California. The fire has spent a week in Lake Tahoe, equalling the seven-night record of Frank Sinatra.

Former champion Andy Murray was incensed after losing his opening-round U.S. Open match to #3 seed Stefanos Tsitsipas, claiming he manipulated the match with unneeded timeouts and bathroom breaks. For his part, the winner said he just really needed to take a Tsitsipiss.

IKEA is conducting a trial where it will buy back gently-used furniture. The furniture needs to be correctly assembled, so nobody’s shown up yet.

China banned online videogames for school children from Monday through Thursday, and will only allow three hours of gaming on the weekends. The decision led to both a spike in Fortnite wins for American & European kids, and record sales of Pornhub Premium subscriptions in China.

Jennifer Lopez wore a multipiece Dolce & Gabbana outfit in Venice, but left the price tag on the cape. Onlookers questioned the authenticity of the clothes, since the tag was from TJ Maxx.

A judge in Ohio ordered a hospital to treat a 51-year-old COVID patient – described by his wife as being ‘at death’s door’ – with livestock deworming medication Ivermectin. He then ordered the man’s ventilator be used on a cow that’s having breathing trouble.

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A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.