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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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The latest Fast & Furious film, ‘F9’, is being delayed from Memorial Day weekend until the end of June, as Fast & Furious producers play it Slow & Rational.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett issued her first majority opinion for the Supreme Court, once she copied it from Clarence Thomas’ handwriting.

Martin Cooper, acknowledged as the inventor of the cellphone in 1973, says the current ‘digital divide’, with 40% of students unable to afford broadband, is unacceptable. “Whatever, grandpa” said poor students.

Nine great apes at the San Diego Zoo were given an experimental COVID-19 vaccine after an outbreak, while apes not getting vaccines wondered what made the nine so great.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan turned down an allocation of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccines, saying the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are better, and besides it’s never been difficult to get shot in Detroit.

Tessica Brown, the ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ who had glue surgically removed from her hair & scalp, had two lumps in her breasts examined, but they were benign. The most difficult part of the exam was ungluing the push-up bra from her chest.

A Tom Brady rookie card sold for $1.32 million – though Brady tried to have the value deflated a little.

The creative team making ‘Space Jam 2’ redrew the Lola Bunny character to make her less sexualized and more strong, with smaller breasts and longer shorts. A disappointed Bugs Bunny then dumped her and is dating Petunia Pig.

Roughly 30,000 Apple Mac computers are infected with ‘Red Sparrow’ malware. It’s unknown what the malware’s full purpose is, but Apple programmers knew it wasn’t theirs because it loaded in under a half-hour.

Off-price retailer Burlington – formerly Burlington Coat Factory – plans to double its 750 locations despite the pandemic. They say their low-income customer base wants more clothes that make them look & feel like they’re still in 2015.

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Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves reacted to President Biden’s criticism of the state’s reopening, saying “Mississippians don’t need handlers”.. adding “we do need people that know how to count, and read, and who understand how medicine works, but not handlers.”

COVID-19 death rates are ten times higher in areas where the majority of the population is overweight. “We’re still reopening” said Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves.

First Lady Dr. Jill Biden shared her sympathy with teachers frustration at leading virtual classes, and concern over returning to in-person learning. Melania Trump agreed, saying it’s impacted her work teaching topless modeling classes.

Burger King Japan launched the Strong Magma One Pound Beef Burger – four quarter pound patties blended with garlic chips and hot japanese pepper powder. The “magma” is apparently the porcelain-melting result of eating it.

Disney is closing 60 Disney Stores – making it even tougher for lonely single women & men in their 40s & 50s to find home decor and apparel.

The latest rocket from Elon Musk’s SpaceX successfully landed vertically after a test flight in Texas, but then exploded several minutes later. Musk then asked the crew of his planned flight to Mars if they think they can de-board in three minutes on arrival.

Meghan Markle accused Buckingham Palace personnel of spreading rumors about her being a bully, and that she’ll personally beat the hell out whoever is doing it.

COVID-19 vaccines reportedly cause swelling in some women’s breasts – making demand for them even higher.

Data from the Common App – an application shared by over 900 colleges & universities, show fewer high-school grads are applying to college. Instead of forgiving student debt, they want the government to forgive their Grubhub bills.

Catholic bishops are discouraging followers from getting the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine, which they say is derived from aborted fetuses. They would rather Catholics wait until there’s a vaccine derived from sexual abuse victims.

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Fitbit is updating its Charge 4 fitness tracker to measure blood oxygen levels, and, presumably, oxygen levels in the drawer where you left it.

The first doses of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccine arrived in Iowa, as farmers fought to get their cows to the front of the line.

Johnson & Johnson announced they expect a COVID-19 vaccine for children around September. Unlike their adult treatment, the children’s vaccine is two doses – a COVID vaccine, and a powerful sedative given before it to prevent meltdowns.

Google says it won’t use new ways of tracking user activity on the web, adding that they know pretty much everything they need to know about you already.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover deployed its wind sensor. Mars is 80 degrees below zero, but the “real feel” temp for Martians is 120 below with the wind chill.

A cuttlefish passed a cognitive development test designed for human children. The cuttlefish’s mother then demanded that it be assigned to the gifted school.

Texas announced plans to fully reopen the state and end a face mask mandate, following intense lobbying from Senator Ted Cruz, whose wacky Spring Break hijinks movie begins filming this week on South Padre Island.

Microsoft introduced Mesh, a new virtual reality meeting platform designed to share 3D imagery. So far they’ve booted dozens of male holograms for exposing themselves.

Dolly Parton received her first dose of the Moderna COVID-19 vaccine, and sang a version of her hit ‘Jolene’ changed to ‘Vaccine’. She plans to also release ‘Virus In the (Blood) Stream’, ‘I Will Always Stick You’, and ‘9 to 5′ – How Long You’ll Wait In Line’.

The Washington Football Team will not have cheerleaders in 2021, choosing instead to field a Coed Dance Squad, in order to create an environment where all genders and orientations can be objectified and harassed.

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Alex Smith, the NFL Comeback Player of the Year in 2020, is expected to be waived by the Washington Football Team, making him eligible for 2021 Cutback Player of the Year.

Health experts seeking inclusivity for transgender and non-binary parents are using the term “chest milk” instead of “breast milk”. “Whatever, we’re starving here” said babies.

Two women were injured when their car became airborne and wedged between two New Jersey Turnpike tollbooths at Exit 14C in Jersey City. First responders believe the driver was attempting to use the Difficult Pass lane. [Story h/t to John L.!]

Mitt Romney was knocked unconscious and received stitches after taking a fall in Boston over the weekend. Donald Trump then put his Mitt Romney voodoo doll back in the drawer.

NASA’s Mars Perseverance rover uses the same computer processor as an iMac computer manufactured in 1998 – which explains its email address RoverDude98@aol.com.

Dental x-ray scanners were used to read a handwritten letter from the year 1697 without opening it, which begins “Dearest Penthouse Forum, you shant not believe what happened…”

Researchers at the Technion Israel Institute of Technology created a black hole in their lab, which has been great for advancing science, but not so great considering how many workers lost the coffee and lunches they set on it.

A woman in Japan reportedly died after receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. A cause of death has not been established, but they suspect it’s the speeding bus that hit her.

Dr. Seuss’ estate says six of his books will stop being published because of racist and insensitive imagery, including ‘Horton Hears All Lives Matter’ and ‘Oh, The Neighborhoods You’ll Never Go’.

The owner of a cockfighting rooster in India died when the blade attached to the bird’s foot severed his artery. The cocks were asked to observe a moment of silence, but didn’t know how.

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At the PGA Tour’s Workday Championship, several players honored Tiger Woods by wearing his signature Sunday outfit of a red shirt & black pants – then hitting on female servers in the clubhouse, and crashing their hospitality cars.

A new study claims the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns are causing married couples to have less sex, coining the new phrase “not tonight, I’m on a ventilator”.

A 74-year-old Florida man drowned while looking for a lost golf ball – the state’s first Putt-Putt fatality of 2021.

A live YouTube chat about chess was mistakenly shut down for hate speech by artificial intelligence screening for words like “black”, “white” & “attack”. A human moderator restored it, telling all of the queens to have a good time.

Taylor Swift reacted angrily to a line in Netflix show ‘Ginny and Georgia’, where a woman says her daughter “Goes through men faster than Taylor Swift”. Swift called it “sexist horse sh*t”. “We liked it” said Jake Gyllenhall, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston & others.

A study claims the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine may be less effective in people with obesity. The study said they might want to try longer needles.

Physics researchers discovered the swirlon, a new state of active matter in motion. They found it while studying the matter around their heads when bullies shoved them in toilets.

Excavators unearthed a near-fully-intact bronze-and-tin chariot from the lost city of Pompeii. However, despite repeated attempts, they couldn’t get the horses to start.

A 24-year-old man was arrested for crashing through the gate of Kim Kardashian’s home because he wanted to see her. Cops then asked Kardashian to stand up and turn sideways so the guy could see her from a mile away.

Two women were removed from an American Airlines flight for using racial slurs and fighting with a male passenger. Their Texas-to-California flight was diverted to Phoenix, where they were arrested, then rebooked on a Spirit Airlines flight where they were two of the nicer passengers.

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A Pennsylvania plumber drove 22 hours to help Texas families in crisis after the recent deep freeze. Taking his cue from local gas & electric utilities, he’s fixing burst pipes for $20,000 each.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato head will become gender neutral, and asked to be called Them Potatoes.

Twitter announced its new Super Followers feature, allowing users to charge followers for “premium” tweet content. They’re also testing Super Blockers, where users pay to never see content from terrible comedians or politicians ever again.

Los Angeles Police are investigating the possibility that Lady Gaga’s kidnapped dogs were targeted in a ransom plot. They’re seeking to question her neighbor’s cat, who is so far refusing to cooperate.

Tiger Woods was transferred from UCLA Harbor Medical Center to Cedars-Sinai, where he will continue treatment and therapy under the supervision of younger, hotter nurses.

‘Harry Potter’ star Emma Watson is reportedly giving up acting. Kristen Stewart, currently filming a Princess Diana biopic, is also giving up acting, but continuing to work in movies.

Best Buy laid off 5,000 workers, but is hiring additional part-time workers once they complete training to respond to customer’s questions with “I don’t know”.

Birkenstock was sold to a private firm co-owned by Europe’s richest man, who enjoys seeing hipsters’ gross feet.

Meat substitute company Beyond Meat has struck deals with McDonald’s and Taco Bell. They’ll supply McDonald’s new McPlant burger, and Taco Bell with a to-be-determined source of diarrhea.

A Los Angeles area man was reunited with his lost cat, who had disappeared 15 years earlier. The man fed the cat, and then it left him again.

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Archaeologists are studying the remains of the oldest dog found on the American continent. But they still haven’t been able to remove the knotted-up rope from its mouth.

The U.S. Postal Service shared photos of its new, gas-&-electric-powered mail trucks. They’re scheduled to be on the road in 2023, so look for them in 2025.

Discovery Channel is airing a new documentary ‘Attack of the Murder Hornets’ about the killer insects. Meanwhile, rival network TLC is airing ‘My 6 Ounce Life’ about an obese murder hornet desperate to lose weight.

Health officials identified a new California strain of coronavirus. They say it’s deadly, but may be weakened with bread because it’s reeeeally trying to cut out gluten.

Two Australians were incorrectly injected with the COVID-19 vaccine. The nurse pushed the needle all the way through her thumb.

Chicago, Illinois State Representative Marcus C. Evans introduced a bill to ban violent videogames like ‘Grand Theft Auto’ in response to a rise in real-life carjackings. He also wants to remove barrels from the gorilla enclosure at the Chicago Zoo.

An Oklahoma veterinarian shared a photo of Skipper, a shepherd/border collie mix with six legs. The dog was rescued from an Oklahoma farmer who thought it was a really big spider.

An American Airlines pilot reported a “large, cylindrical object” flying over his jet at 35,000 feet en route from Kentucky to Arizona. He then finished off the bourbon bottle and landed in Phoenix.

A homeless malnourished sheep found wandering in rural Australia was rescued and shorn of over 77 pounds of wool. Its condition was upgraded to ‘stable, but cold’.

Facing a steep population decline, Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban is spending huge sums of money to encourage women to have babies – starting with the intern he just hired.

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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Elecrric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.