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The FDA warned consumers not to purchase 6 brands of ground cinnamon containing high levels of lead. This, after some people put the cinnamon in the hot cider they were holding and broke their arm.

A University of Pittsburgh study that followed women for 15 years concluded that 28% of women remain “highly interested” in sex in their 50s and 60s – just as long as their partners are okay talking about it for an hour before and after.

YouTuber turned pro boxer Jake Paul will fight 57-year-old Mike Tyson. Tyson is expected to be paid a lot more than he’s earned for his recent fights against CTE and arthritis.

Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, armorer on Alec Baldwin movie ‘Rust’, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. Prison officials checked their camera to ensure there weren’t any live rounds in it before her mugshot.

North West’s best friend shared images of private text messages between the two while West recorded video. The texts were mostly heart emojis, but her other texts from her Dad had some pretty crazy stuff about Israel in them.

New England oceanographers spotted a rare gray whale, which hadn’t been seen in 200 years. It’s either a gray whale, or a really old black whale that decided to stop coloring its blubber.

Las Vegas airport will test the first TSA self-screening check-in terminals. They’re trialing the system with locally-employed exotic dancers, so other passengers can watch as they give themselves a pat-down.

A study found people consuming refined carbohydrates are rated as “more attractive” by heterosexuals of the opposite gender. The study surveyed guys who looked at thin women eating a dozen donuts when they thought no one could see them.

A Texas mom whose son had his drink stolen by a school bully mixed a new drink that the bully took, drank, and sent him to the hospital vomiting. The mom was arrested, but released and now has a thriving business making puke Gatorade for nerds.

The Buffalo Bills resigned backup quarterback Mitch Trubisky after his release from the Pittsburgh Steelers, causing his wife to post a celebratory message on Instagram about going back to Buffalo. Hillary Trubisky remains under observation.

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MTV Teen Mom Janelle Evans is leaving her husband, asking for full custody of their child, and graduating to VH1 Adult Divorcee.

Just one day after retiring from the NFL, Jason Kelce made good on his promise to Buffalo Bills fans and jumped on to a flaming table, per their tailgate tradition. Kelce just needs to return to Buffalo, warm his hands down the back of his wife’s pants during a winter game, and throw a dildo on to the field to become Bills Mafia King.

A Microsoft engineer warned that the company’s Copilot AI image creator generates violent sexual imagery. Hearing this, dozens of high-school garage bands used it to make their album covers.

A Massachusetts man is suing the federal government for $9.5 million after he crashed his snowmobile in to a Blackhawk helicopter parked on a little-used airfeld. He lost his snowmobile, the use of his arm, and any fun he thought he’d have on a helicopter ride.

So You Think You Can Dance creator/producer/host Nigel Lythgoe faces his fourth sexual assault allegation in three months. Co-host Paula Abdul accused him of being Straight Up, and other women say he asked them So You Think You Can Take Off My Pants?.

CBS ordered a Young Sheldon spinoff series featuring older brother Georgie and wife Mandy, as they raise their baby together in Texas. It’s tentatively titled No Sheldon.

Director James Gunn shared the first shooting location of his Superman reboot – Norway, where Superman flees to his Fortress Of Solitude to wait it out and see just how f*cked up things are after the 2024 Presidential Election.

A man making a social media video walked in to a Glassboro, NJ store and dunked his head in a barrel of pickles, forcing the store to discard them. Police are asking for the public’s help, especially barbers if their customer’s head reeks of vinegar.

A Missouri teacher is accused of attempting to murder her husband by adding toxic lily of the valley plant to 8 beverages, causing severe illness. He’s recovering and learning how to make his own smoothies.

Buffalo Bils QB Josh Allen split his pants at dinner while in Paris with actress girlfriend Hailee Steinfeld as they attended Paris Fashion Week. Allen joked about the mishap, and was invited to model his torn pants at Buffalo Fashion Week.

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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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A hazmat crew was called to a daycare center in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The specifics weren’t given, but it’s believed someone tried sterilizing a Diaper Genie in the microwave.

ATM crime is up 600% since 2019. And that’s not even counting the dumber robbers who attempt their thefts by passing the ATM a note.

An Alabama library flagged as ‘inappropriate’ a children’s book, Read Me A Story, Stella because the author’s name is Mary-Louise Gay. In the book, Stella tells her daughter about the time she hooked up at a swinger’s club.

Jada Pinkett Smith said Chris Rock asked her out on a date years ago, amidst rumors she & Will Smith had divorced. Jada declined, which was a real slap in the face.

A fired ‘60 Minutes‘ producer, Alexandra Poolos, filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against CBS News, claiming show correspondent Lesley Stahl asked if she’d be willing to “use her body to get stories”. Stahl, who’s 81, said hers isn’t exactly moving the ol’ needle anymore.

The NFL Buffalo Bills fired General Counsel Kathryn D’Angelo and her boss, COO John Roth, for a “brazen” office romantic relationship which came to a head on the team’s recent trip to London, where both Roth & D’Angelo were seen working out the tight ends.

Social Security recipients will receive a 3.2% cost-of-living increase in 2024, down sharply from 8.7% in 2023. Seniors are expected to cut back on their high-rolling lifestyles of new Skechers and name-brand soup.

For the second time this year, the lone winning ticket for a record Powerball jackpot was sold to some lucky f***ing a**hole in California.

A bus carrying Philadelphia seniors to an adult daycare center was repeatedly struck by bullets during a shootout between police and criminals. Fortunately, just about everyone on the bus was prepared for shitting their pants.

Former golfer-turned-influencer Paige Spiranac released a steamy 2024 photo calendar. Disappointed buyers are calling it the ‘dogleg’ calendar because you can’t see any of the holes.

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A woman claims she quit eating breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and lost 127 lbs. However, she still drinks the coffee to maintain the giant hole in her stomach that allowed her to lose the weight.

Vanna White extended her Wheel Of Fortune contract for 2 years – ending intense negotiations where producers were forced to choose between White and pressing keys on a computer.

Officials in Chester County, Pennsylvania are promising “upgrades” to the prison where convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante escaped. They’re promising big screen TVs, new mattresses and Grubhub deliveries, so prisoners will want to stay put.

Google announced a Taylor Swift partnership, where 89 puzzles in its search function can be solved to reveal ‘vault’ tracks from the Taylor’s Version rerecording of 1989 – and receive 1,989 targeted ads from companies using personal information they entered.

The wreckage of a $100 million F-35 fighter jet – which crashed after the pilot ejected – was located in Williamsburg County, South Carolina. Officials plan to question the pilot after searching the cockpit and finding empty White Claw cans and a condom wrapper.

The Federal Trade Commission is requiring Epic Games – publisher of online game Fortnite – to reimburse $520 million to parents whose children bought in-game gear without their permission. However, parents can’t get reimbursed if their kids are 30.

A new study published in the journal Obesity claims exercising between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. is optimal for reducing midriff fat. The study is published in Obesity’s Annual Cheeseburger Issue.

Bijou Philips filed for divorce from husband/actor Danny Masterson, who’s currently serving a 30-year prison sentence for rape. Masterson announced his engagement to a fellow Scientologist he just met in his cell.

Reacting to the U.S. Senate’s rules update to allow casual clothing in the chamber, Maine Republican Susan Collins, 70, said she plans to wear a bikini. Then the Senate updated the apparel rules again to allow blindfolds.

A 29-year-old naked man covered in feces after taking LSD, THC & cocaine, jumped into a pit at the construction site of the new Buffalo Bills stadium. The man was treated at a hospital and charged with criminal trespass. The Buffalo Bills announced they’re looking for a new backup quarterback.

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Police officers in Pennsylvania used Narcan to save the same man who overdosed 3 times in 72 hours. Cops were left with no choice but to arrest the manager of the donut shop for dealing heroin.

South Carolina Republicans failed in their effort to enact a ban on abortion that begins at the moment of fertilization. They’ll regroup and attempt to ban abortion at the moment of ‘U Up?’ text.

Shares of gun maker Smith & Wesson dropped as the company cites a decline in demand. They’re considering lower prices to get the stock to shoot back up again.

The Vietnamese government arrested a famous noodle vendor, Bui Tuan Lam, for “anti-state” activity criticizing the ruling Communist party and uslurping their authority.

Queen Elizabeth died at her summer home in Balmoral Castle. Her alleged pedophile son Prince Andrew is in mourning at his summer home, Bal-Immoral Castle.

King Charles II arrived at Buckingham Palace after visiting Balmoral Castle to make sure his mother was really dead.

Charles’ & the late Princess Diana’s son, Prince William, is now next in line for the throne, despite his visibly receding heir line.

After losing the first set of her US Open semifinal, top seed Iga Swiatek credited feeling “lighter” following a bathroom break for her three-set win, rallying back from deuce.

Two animal rights activists ran onto the field with pink smoke flares during Thursday’s NFL Kickoff game between the Buffalo Bills & Los Angeles Rams. They protested animal cruelty in the form of broken limbs and concussions suffered by Bears, Bengals, Dolphins, etc…

Kris Jenner passed a lie detector test on The Late Late Show With James Corden when denying she helped daughter Kim Kardashian release her infamous sex tape. She also passed when asked if she convinced son Rob Kardashian no one wanted to see him have sex.

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A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.