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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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Amazon plans to release an enhanced version of Alexa and charge a subscription fee. Although single men may not pay for an enhanced woman just to hear what she has to say.

MV Dali, the cargo ship that crashed into and toppled Baltimore’s Key Bridge, was finally pulled from the wreckage and hauled to a nearby port. “Hello, Dali” said the harbormaster.

TV streamer Hulu is releasing special programming for Pride Month. Although women already can’t stream romantic comedies on Hulu without their boyfriends and husbands telling them how gay they are.

Taylor Swift appeared to have a hickey on her neck during her most recent concert. Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker sent a video to teammate Travis Kelce warning of the dangers of ‘heavy necking and petting’.

Scarlett Johansson is suing Open AI for using a near-replica of her voice for their Chat GPT product. Chat GPT said they don’t have the money because they mistakenly hired Fran Drescher and paid her millions to stop talking.

A New Jersey teen enlisted Philadelphia Phillies superstar Bryce Harper for a ‘promposal’. He went with the teen to the girl’s house to ask her to go to prom with the boy, then asked if she wanted to go on the team’s next road trip to Los Angeles.

Graceland is reportedly under foreclosure due to an alleged unpaid debt by the late Lisa Marie Presley. Her daughter Riley Keough is suing to stop a foreclosure auction, saying there is no debt, and the lender ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, lyin’ all the time.

A hiker walking in Grand Teton National Park was attacked by a grizzly bear. He survived and is listed in critical condition. The bear suffered two missing teeth.

Russia reportedly launched a space weapon capable of shooting down U.S. satellites in orbit. They’re currently taking a collection to shoot down whatever satellite transmits Real Time with Bill Maher for HBO.

Teenage boys annual spending on fragrances rose 26%, as they turn to more expensive options. Experts believe the trend is driven by girlfriends who give them money to buy anything besides Axe.

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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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81-year-old Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been ordered to take a paternity test to determine if he fathered a child with a 27-year-old woman. If he is determined to be the father, Jones becomes eligible for NFL Comeback Playa’ of the Year.

The Philadelphia Phillies ended their popular Dollar Dog Nights, after fans used the cheap dogs to start food fights. They’re replacing it with BOGO Dog Night, so fans can buy two hot dogs, eat one, and throw the second one at Mets fans.

ChatGPT is being used by job seekers to generate questions for mock job interviews. However, ChatGPT is frustrating some candidates by skipping the questions and telling them “don’t bother, I already got the job”.

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani surprised the team by announcing he got married. Ohtani underwent elbow surgery and won’t pitch this season, but is still happy to have an everyday catcher.

A new supplement called ‘LeapYears’ reverses age-related physical & cognitive decline in dogs. A study compared a small group of older dogs who took the supplement, to hundreds of other dogs who found the pill in the rolled-up ham and spit it out.

Holsten’s ice cream parlor in New Jersey is selling the booth used by Tony Soprano’s family in ‘The Sopranos’ final scene. Bidding currently tops $30,000, and the hgh bidder’s payment can be made behind the building with cash stuffed into a sealed yellow envelope.

Heritage Store brand hydrogen peroxide mouthwash is being recalled for a lack of child-safe packaging. Parents are urged to call 911 if they find their toddler passed out with really fresh-smelling breath.

A Texas woman shared via Instagram the one question she asks hiring managers that she claims results in job offers “100% of the time” after the interview: ‘what does excellence look like in this role?’. Of course, the managers reply “really clean toilets”.

Wildlife journal Marine Mammal Science published never-before-seen photos of two male humpback whales having sex. And less provocative photos taken at the same time of their wives dropping their calves off at day care.

A dermatologist is recommending diaper rash cream to hydrate the face. But to still apply your baby’s diaper rash cream with your hands, not your face.

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A Pennsylvania woman discovered she’s a perfect match for a Kentucky man in need of a kidney. She’ll travel there for the transplant operation just as soon as Kentucky’s top kidney specialist gets his jackknife sharpened and new reading glasses.

Delta Airlines is eliminating a program guaranteeing passengers checked bags are on the carousel within 20 minutes of flight arrival, or the bag owner gets 2,500 flyer miles. They say every flight to Philadelphia is costing them about 2.5 million miles.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis – one of this year’s nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – told the Rock HoF to “do me a favor and f*ck off”. In response, board members of the Hall told Gallagher please don’t look back in anger.

The Department of Transportation is increasing Chinese airline flights to the U.S. from 35 per week to 50. The move is intended to limit the number of freezing deaths from Chinese tourists trying to enter the U.S. via spy balloons.

A Reddit user claimed that AI ChatGPT performed better when he offered it $100,000 to complete a task. ChatGPT finished the task, is still waiting on the money, and hired someone to break the Reddit user’s fingers.

Sony is laying off 900 employees from its PlayStation division, each of whom received Game Over notifications.

Ticket reseller SeatGeek is launching a ‘Smart Pricing’ feature that uses AI to tell sellers the best sales price for tickets, and a ‘Give Up’ feature that uses a buyer’s bank account & credit info to tell them there’s no way they’re getting Taylor Swift tickets.

Madonna has taken images of the late Luther Vandross out of an AIDS tribute displayed during her live show because he didn’t die of AIDS. The tribute contains photos of Freddie Mercury, Keith Haring… and Donald Trump, captioned with “Let’s Hope So”.

A new University of Texas study claims orgasms aren’t just for pleasure, they ‘rewire the brain’ to create a long-lasting bond between sex partners. The study explains why women have more guy friends, and why men are so good to their hands.

The latest Gen Z relationship trend is women seeking “babygirl” men. Instead of toxic masculinity, babygirl guys are in touch with their feminine side, display some feminine traits, and are gay.

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Volkswagen is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its cars. Now a Volkswagen can earn a Bachelor’s degree from Arizona State.

Tiger Woods & sponsor Nike are splitting up after 27 years. Nike allegedly found sexts from Adidas on his phone and struck his car with a five-iron.

Electronics manufacturer LG unveiled the world’s largest 77-inch transparent TV, which you can see through when it’s turned off. LG says it makes rooms look bigger, and allows ordinary people with priceless paintings to mount them behind the TV.

The Perkiomen Valley school board in suburban Philadelphia approved a dog for one of the district’s middle schools. The dog will provide students with emotional support and can also eat homework.

Apple debuted its Vision Pro “mixed reality” headset, which ships in early February and costs $3,499. They recommend married couples buy two, so each person can visualize someone else in the bedroom on date nights.

Gabriel Attal, 34, became France’s youngest and first openly gay Prime Minister, and the country’s fourth gay Prime Minister.

Google is working with states so users can add drivers licenses to Google Wallet. Google doesn’t expect to add Mississippi anytime soon since officials there keep telling Google they don’t know how to print their cell phone screen.

Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogacy, saying it’s “exploitation”. Kim Kardashian, who has two kids via surrogate, disagreed, saying it’s both “a bargain, especially if you buy two” and “the best way to have kids without having sex with Kanye”.

United Airlines & Alaska Airlines found loose bolts when inspecting their grounded fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines also inspected their full aircraft fleet and reported no loosening of duct tape or Flex Seal super glue.

Alex Crow, 30, an Alabama priest who fled to Italy to marry an 18-year-old female Catholic school student he’d “groomed”, will be removed as a priest by Pope Francis. But Francis still said he’d buy them something from their registry at Crate & Barrel.

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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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Mariah Carey told an audience at the Billboard Music Awards “I don’t acknowledge time”. Unfortunately, her singing voice does.

Carey performed ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You‘ for the first time at an awards ceremony. In case you missed it, you can still hear it thirty times a day no matter where you are.

Argentina elected Javier Milei their new President. Milei wants to outlaw abortion, loosen gun laws, and change the national currency from the peso to the U.S. dollar. He’ll take office on December 10 and Argentina will become Texas a day later.

Artificial intelligence company Open AI, makers of ChatGPT, fired CEO Sam Altman, and replaced him with a guy nobody’s ever seen or heard of, Chad Geepeetee.

Singer Shakira settled a tax evasion case with the Spanish government, dashing the hopes of government tax accountants who wanted to see her lose her shirt.

USA Pickleball released their first equipment that claims to reduce noise by 50% – but can’t do anything about the ambulance noise responding to seniors health emergencies at the pickleball courts.

A Los Angeles Lakers fan crumbled to the court clutching his leg as he attempted to win money for sinking a half-court shot. Although he missed, he was so convincing being hurt without anyone touching him that five NBA teams offered him a tryout.

A woman selling her engagement ring on Facebook Marketplace after her marriage ended says she keeps getting messages from creeps wanting to date her. They ask if the ring is still available, and if she is.

Plumbers say the day after Thanksgiving is their busiest day of the year due to clogs in sinks & toilets – mainly from too much stuffing.

A streaming service is offering $2,000 to someone who will watch and rank 12 old Hallmark Christmas movies. The company is refusing to pay claims to men whose wives have seen them each 20 times and say they’re owed $40,000.

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Mike Babcock resigned as head coach of the NHL Columbus Blue Jackets before coaching a single game, allegedly because he asked players to share pictures on their phone “to show what type of person (they) are”. Babcock regrets not seeing a single nude photo of players wives or girlfriends.

A U.S. F-35 fighter jet based out of Charleston, South Carolina is missing after the pilot ejected following a “mishap”. “Found it” – said a guy who no longer has a beach house.

Katy Perry sold her music catalog rights for $225 million. The only other woman believed to be that rich who kissed a girl and liked it is Ellen Degeneres.

Drew Barrymore deleted an apology video for restarting her talk show amidst the actors & writers strikes after being dragged by fellow union actors and writers. Her guests for the foreseeable future are dogs & cats who have million-view TikTok clips.

Donald Trump told a crowd on Friday that President Biden is leading the country into World War II. Earlier, Trump had fallen asleep during a private showing of ‘Oppenheimer‘.

Gannett, the largest newspaper group in the U.S., will hire dedicated reporters to cover Taylor Swift and Beyonce. In order to be considered, candidates will need writing samples and a note from their parents to skip gym class for an interview.

9 inmates at a juvenile detention center in rural Pennsylvania escaped during a riot, but then were captured, with several surrendering because they were cold. They were readmitted, and signed up for Danelo Cavalcante’s prison escape MasterClass.

Japan is creating its own version of artificial intelligence ChatGPT. They say the big difference is that theirs speaks Japanese.

Bears in Anchorage, Alaska raided a Krispy Kreme donut delivery van. They were eventually chased away and evaded heavy gunfire from every member of the Anchorage Police Department.

Hugh Jackman and his wife separated after 27 years of marriage. He now officially joins the Ex-Men.