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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

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‘Entourage’ creator Doug Ellin accused HBO of “hiding” the show amidst a “wave of PC culture”. HBO execs dispute his claim, saying they’re hiding the show amidst “embarrassment”.

Louisiana GOP state representative Ray Garofalo said Louisiana schools need to teach “the good side of slavery.” The session was paused so confused Louisiana legislators could be told what “school” is.

Republican Orange County, California Supervisor Don Wagner asked the state’s health director if vaccines have tracking devices in them, drawing laughter. Wagner insisted he was just trying to debunk wild claims about tracking, and about a mutating virus that kills people.

Federal agents executed search warrants on Rudy Giuliani’s home & office. It’s unclear what items were taken, but agents spent the rest of the day washing black hair dye off their hands and clothing.

Joe Biden gave his first address to a joint session of Congress, opening his speech “with the first overall pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select..”.

India continues to break records for COVID-19 deaths, causing mass cremations of the deceased. The U.S. government has committed to provide much needed aid, sending vaccines, oxygen tanks, ventilators, and firewood.

Dr. Dre was ordered to pay $500,000 to estranged wife Nicole Young as part of their ongoing divorce. The payment may take a while, because, in accordance with hip-hop law, Dre must fly the bills out of his left palm with his right thumb.

After 17 years, newly-emerging BroodX cicadas were spotted in Quakertown, Pennsylvania…asking directions on how to get to New York or Philadelphia.

Fitbit is offering discounts on all their fitness trackers for Mothers Day. So go ahead, buy your wife or Mom a Fitbit and see how that goes.

VP Kamala Harris and Speaker Nancy Pelosi “elbow bumped” on the dais prior to Joe Biden’s address to Congress. They settled on the elbow bump after Harris tried, and failed, to get Pelosi to learn the 10-step secret handshake she created for the occasion.

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Dollar General will give employees four hours’ pay to get a Covid-19 vaccine. Then they can use that money to buy four items in the store.

Philadelphia is experiencing a rise in stolen license plates for use by criminals on stolen cars. The dumber thieves are taking the Philadelphia Eagles plates.

The Showboat hotel in Atlantic City converted its entire casino into a gaming arcade, in the hope of attracting more families. In response, Atlantic City hookers working the arcade are offering family rates.

Fans in Los Angeles purchased a billboard asking Marvel Studios to bring Iron Man Tony Stark “back to life”. The billboard replaced one purchased to convince teen runaways to come “back to their families”.

A New York man was arrested after telling a woman he matched with on Bumble that he stormed the Capitol on January 6th. She cancelled their first date where he planned to take her to storm an ice cream parlor.

NASA’s Perseverance rover converted a small sample of Mars’ atmosphere into breathable oxygen. “What stinks?” asked Martians.

Women fully vaccinated against COVID-19 are selling “COVID antibody breast milk” online for $2 an ounce or more. If that’s too expensive, they’re selling “COVID antibody cow’s milk” that they spit in for $5 a gallon.

72 Iowa prison inmates received overdoses of COVID-19 vaccine. They pulled the bars off of their cells with their bare hands and remain at large.

Justin Bieber gave a solo acoustic concert at a California state prison. He was pleased with his performance, but disappointed in t-shirt sales.

A UPS driver is credited with rescuing a 4-year-old boy who became trapped under a 90-pound package. The driver is also credited with leaving the 90-pound package on top of a 4-year-old boy.

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Ronda Rousey is four months pregnant, following her husband’s victory via submission hold in December.

NFL owners ratified new rules to expand the duties of the instant replay official in the press box – he or she will now be responsible for fetching beers in between helping on-field officials get their calls wrong.

Pregnant women are being encouraged to get a COVID-19 vaccine by the CDC, and by their friends & family so they can talk about something else besides being pregnant.

Oklahoma passed a law giving some legal protections to operators that strike protesters with their vehicles. The protesters are no longer permitted to sue the cowboy or the horse.

The International Space Station is running out of beds, according to both NASA, and the snippy front desk clerk at the International Space Station.

Reports surfaced of Barstool Sports CEO Erika Nardini having an affair with her married squash coach – who is now her separated smash coach.

Jeopardy! Announced its new roster of guest hosts, including Levar Burton, Robin Roberts, David Faber, George Stephanopolous and Joe Buck. Fan reaction ranged from delight over the inclusion of Levar Burton, to “Who the hell is David Faber?”

The Los Angeles Dodgers will debut a ‘fully vaccinated fan section’ at Dodger Stadium for Saturday’s game against the San Diego Padres – to be followed by a ‘fully vaccinated fistfight section’ for future home games against the San Francisco Giants.

A new study finds sleep deprivation in midlife increases the risk of dementia. In other words, your crying baby really is driving you nuts.

The purchaser of Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion had it demolished, sharing photos of bucket loaders tearing up the floorboards and filling up with girls underwear.

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A sequestered jury convicted Derek Chauvin on three separate murder & manslaughter counts in the killing of George Floyd. They returned the verdicts so fast, nobody earned Marriott Points or got to sample the free breakfast buffet.

Fox News’ Greg Gutfeld said he was relieved at the Derek Chauvin verdict because his neighborhood got looted during Black Lives Matter protests over the summer. Greg Gutfeld added that he lives in a Foot Locker.

Peloton refuses to recall their treadmills, despite instances of small children being injured by them. Peloton believes admitting their products hurt kids will harm their upcoming launch of Peloton Tricycles.

A Los Angeles judge ordered that all homeless people on Skid Row be offered housing by the fall. His ruling preceded the groundbreaking ceremony for Skid Townhomes.

Kelly Osbourne said on the premiere episode of her podcast that she’d relapsed after four years sober. Osbourne said she’s sober again, but hopes the ‘cast gets plenty of downloads and that she doesn’t download more martinis.

Six English soccer clubs exited the proposed European ‘Super League’ before it even started, leaving its future in question. However, the Not-So-Super League – featuring your kid’s 6 & under soccer game – is still on for “too early” this Saturday morning.

Pfizer says they’ve found counterfeit COVID-19 vaccines in foreign countries. A company spokesperson reminded health officials that authentic bottles of vaccine don’t have The Flintstones on them.

The parent company of Old Country Buffet declared bankruptcy, citing reduced traffic during the pandemic, and costly legal settlements with dozens of families whose toddlers drowned in the chocolate fountain.

A new study finds poor sleep doubles the risk of sexual dysfunction in women. The study included 1,000 sleeping women poked awake by their partners’ erections.

Queen Elizabeth thanked well-wishers on her 95th birthday – the first since the death of her husband Prince Philip. She said she’ll miss birthday sex, so she may open the closet and dust off the royal scepter.

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Domino’s is now delivering pizza using driverless vehicles. It’s great news for cheapskate losers who don’t want to tip a human driver, but still bad news for anyone having to eat the Domino’s Pizza.

After original panelist Sharon Osbourne left after defending racist remarks by Piers Morgan, ‘The Talk’ returned Monday with what they called “one of their most difficult discussions ever” – whether you’re Team Angelina or Team Brad in their divorce.

The CDC reports 187 million doses of COVID-19 vaccine have been administered, while warning of an impending shortage of both Johnson & Johnson vaccines, and Captain America Band-Aids.

After another school shooting in Knoxville, Tennessee, administrators closed the school for two days. They advised students to use the free time to pick out body armor and guns for the prom.

Singing star Usher was slammed for reportedly using fake money with his name and face on it at a Las Vegas strip club. He said he only used the fake bills to tip dancers with fake breasts.

The FCC is launching its own Internet speed-test app, in response to Comcast customers who say the company’s speed-test app is just a picture with the word FAST! on it.

A ‘Real Housewives of Nashville’ show is reportedly in the works, featuring female country music performers and wives of others. However, a competing show, ‘Real Dogs, Trucks & Guns of Nashville’ tested better with viewers.

Bianca Belair dethroned reigning champion Sasha Banks at Wrestlemania to claim the WWE title belt, in the first-ever championship wrestling match featuring two black women that wasn’t a Worldstarhiphop video shot in a McDonald’s.

Macaulay Culkin and partner Brenda Song welcomed their first child, son Dakota. Their baby gift registry includes Micro Machines, paint, a blow torch and a rifle.

More than 100,000 viewers have complained to the BBC about their coverage of the late Prince Philip, saying the broadcaster should find pictures and video where you can’t see his teeth.

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Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

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A Memphis woman leaned in to a Burger King drive-thru window and fired gunshots because she thought the wait was too long. A Burger King spokesperson said they don’t expect gunshots over wait times, they typically draw gunfire because the fries are terrible.

Target’s new program lets parents recycle child car seats, cribs and strollers in exchange for coupons. So far they’ve received thousands of recyclable items, and hundreds of babies.

Experts warn coronavirus is still transmissable at warm-weather beach locations. They say COVID-19 can be contracted by handling rented beach chairs, in public showers & restrooms, or being bitten by unvaccinated sharks.

Visitors to Donald Trump’s new website, 45Office.com, can pay to receive a “personalized greeting” from Trump or his wife. Greetings from Melania in the nude cost more, nude greetings from Donald are standard.

Police are dealing with a juvenile crime wave along the Atlantic City boardwalk. They remain on the lookout for suspects looking to redeem over 2 million skee-ball tickets.

A Southwest Airlines pilot is accused of indecent exposure on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. He later resigned, but argues he was in the right because he’d turned off the fasten zipper sign.

Actress Thandiwe Newton – formerly Thandie – is now reclaiming her original name. Casting directors are catching on, sending emails reading “Hi Thandiwe – we gave the part to Zoe Saldana instead”.

Walgreens violated guidance by giving second doses of Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines four weeks after the first dose – not three – because it was easier. They agreed to adjust to three weeks, unless a customer has a Buy One Get One Free coupon, in which case they’ll give both doses at once.

A toxic wastewater reservoir in central Florida is at risk of collapse, releasing a wave of water that could destroy local fish & wildlife. They’re hoping to prevent the damage by pumping out 100 million gallons of toxic water per day, and transferring it to a local Dasani bottling plant.

Harvey Weinstein is appealing his rape conviction in New York, claiming witnesses were chosen to make him appear ‘loathsome’. Prosecutors disagree, saying they chose witnesses to make him appear ‘gross’.

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An Australian geologist posted video of his being attacked by an angry octopus. He was struck once in the neck, then sucker-punched seven more times.

Danielle ‘Bhad Bhabie’ Bregoli earned over $1 million in just five hours after opening an OnlyFans account, despite saying she “don’t have no big donkey booty”. Meanwhile rapper Big Donkey Booty grossed a paltry $35.

A Korean-American GOP candidate for Texas’ open congressional seat, Sery Kim, said she doesn’t want the U.S. to accept any Chinese immigrants. She’s expected to spend the next month explaining to Texans that there is a difference between China and Korea.

A baby boy in Iraq was born with triphallia, or three penises. His parents describe him as already being a great multitasker.

Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly took ecstasy, had sex with women in hotels, and paid them with money withdrawn from ATMs in the hotel lobbies. His Republican peers in Congress are condemning him for being dumb enough to pay the withdrawal fees at hotel lobby ATMs.

The CDC claims air travel is ‘low risk’ if travelers are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. However, they advise against buying Spirit Airlines $99 in-flight vaccine.

A man shopping at a New Mexico grocery store returned to his car and found 15,000 bees inside. He called 911 and a beekeeper arrived to remove them – but the dog and baby he left in the car were still kinda freaked out.

An MMA match was halted when one of the fighters lost his left ring finger during it. Worse, his girlfriend was planning to propose after he won.

A man golfing in Vancouver captured video of a bald eagle stalking and eating a seagull. The seagull’s life could have been spared, but it had already finished eating all the french fries.

The man arrested for swimming naked in Kendall Jenner’s pool was released, but then recaptured hours later attempting to enter Kylie Jenner’s house. He’s spent so much time creeping around Jenners & Kardashians that they’re calling him Scott Disick.