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After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.

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An Amazon delivery driver was caught defecating in a woman’s garden. Worse, he sent her a picture to prove he delivered it.

Disney’s CEO said that fewer people are visiting Disney Parks than they expected. It’s so bad, the robots changed the lyrics to “It’s A Small ‘Crowd’ After All”.

The Tennessee GOP Senate Primary is still “too close to call” between two bigots.

FBI agents executed a federal search warrant on the home of YouTube star Jake Paul. No word on what they were looking for, but they’re seriously disappointed in the view count of the video they took.

The deadline for players to opt out of the upcoming NFL season is 4p.m. today. The deadline to acquire CTE has been extended indefinitely.

Amazon announced Prime Day – typically held in July – will now take place “in the fourth quarter”…taking the place of the holiday formerly known as Christmas.

Cable network Freeform announced the cancellation of mermaid drama ‘Siren’ after three seasons. An executive said the show just didn’t have legs.

A 6-year-old in a London suburb reportedly choked on parts of a blue face mask fried in to the McNuggets she was eating. Her mother requested a different Happy Meal toy.

NASA astronauts aboard the International Space Station shared a music video they made to Travis Tritt’s song “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” – which it was, unless you’re the astronaut who hates country music.

University of Connecticut is cancelling their 2020 men’s football season, saying it’s a safer way of going 0-12.

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Disney employees shared a list with Business Insider of ’15 Things You Should Never Do’ inside Disney Parks. Topping the list? Princesses.

Visitors to Disney World reported a “heavy police presence” outside of the Magic Kingdom yesterday evening, along with a cop shouting into a bullhorn “come out with your oversized puffy white hands up”.

A new book claims Jeffrey Epstein was a member of Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago, but that he was kicked out for hitting on a member’s teenage daughter – without paying the extra fee the club charges for doing so.

  • The member’s daughter was identified only by her first name: ‘Ivanka’.

Google debuted its newest budget phone, the Pixel 4A. It costs $349 and your privacy.

Scientists discovered male sperm ‘roll like playful otters’ as they swim. Then they run out of energy and ‘die like out-of-shape swimmers at the Jersey Shore’.

The American Heart Association said smoking marijuana is bad for cardiac and lung health, as they announced their endorsement of Flintstones Cannabis Chewables.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly taken their four kids to a ‘remote island fortress’ to save their marriage. They’re also looking for a second remote island fortress to ship their kids if it’s going to work.

Winnepeg Jets player Tucker Poolman had to leave yesterday’s game against the Calgary Flames after taking a puck to the face and leaving a large pool of blood on the ice. The game was halted while the puck and ice were tested for COVID-19.

Amidst their divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole is challenging the prenup she admits to signing in 1996. She’s saying it’s invalid because the name listed on the contract is ‘Ho’.

This weekend, the 80th Sturgis Motorcycle Rally takes place in South Dakota. Organizers say they’ve taken proper precautions to protect those attending, including biker gang masks, signs promoting hog distancing, and handgun washing stations.

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A massive dust cloud from the Sahara Desert is expected to reach the Gulf Coast of the United States. Donald Trump is speaking with governors in Louisiana and Mississippi to deploy his idea for the world’s largest Swiffer.

NASA is having a contest to design the best toilet for use on the lunar lander when astronauts return to the moon. The favorite so far is an entry that uses zero gravity by bolting the bowl to the ceiling.

Camille Cosby, wife of Bill Cosby, said she won’t visit him in prison because “he doesn’t want [her] to see him in that environment”. She added that Bill Cosby is legally blind, so he can’t tell who’s visiting anyway.

Google Photos is streamlining its interface to make it easier to find and organize pictures of your genitals.

Amazon bought the rights to the Seattle arena where the city’s new NHL team will play, calling it Climate Pledge Arena. They claim the arena will be ‘Zero Waste’, but when hockey games start, fans will be ‘100% Wasted’.

Model Chrissy Teigen shared Instagram video with the results of her breast reduction surgery. Male followers consider it a huge victory for every time they’ve commented “show us your boobs”.

YouTube creator Jenna Marbles is leaving the platform, having admitted to using blackface and ethnic stereotypes. A YouTube spokesperson said they regret losing their Marbles.

Viewers watching past episodes of ‘Glee’ posted about seeing dummies used as extras to fill crowd scenes during performances. Show creators are more worried about the dummies who are still watching ‘Glee’ long after its cancellation.

Despite a spike in COVID-19 infections in the state, Florida’s Disney Parks still plan to reopen in July, welcoming visitors to the Happiest Hotspot On Earth.

Chuck E. Cheese declared bankruptcy. It plans to reopen as Chuck E. Government Cheese.

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Finland will eliminate separate subjects in public schools. Finnish students will now be able to tell their parents “I’m failing everything”. [Story h/t to K.N.S.]

A viral photo shows a priest baptizing a baby with holy water shot from a squirt gun. The baby is welcome to return in 10 years when the priest will shoot him in the face again.

The manhunt continues for a University of Connecticut student wanted for multiple murders. They’re hoping he’ll surrender and transfer from UConn to UConvict.

Three young Bolivian brothers, ages 12, 10 & 8 – were hospitalized after getting a black widow spider to bite them, thinking it would turn them into Spider-Man. “You dopes, the spider has to be radioactive” said Brazil’s best doctor.

Florida theme parks will soon reopen, requiring visitors wear masks and disclaiming they can’t guarantee they won’t be exposed to coronavirus – unless they want to, in which case they can go to new attraction ‘Scrooge McDuck On A Ventilator’.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich –  one made with actual chickens.

A male beard model shaved for the first time in 10 years, letting his wife of 7 years see his bare face for the first time. “How fast does it grow back?” she asked.

Stanley Ho, a Macau casino tycoon considered ‘the father of Chinese gambling’, died at age 98. He would have lasted longer, but too many people bet he’d make it to 100.

Uber Eats is launching “family style meals” so everyone in the house can screw the delivery driver out of a tip.

Disney+ premiered ‘Out’ – Pixar’s first short film featuring a gay leading character. It has for years featured gay supporting characters like Rex and Slinky Dog from Toy Story.

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The U.S. Senate is considering expanding the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to view citizens web browsing history & search terms without a warrant. Civil liberties advocates oppose it, but the FBI said they’ve hit a dead-end tracking the ‘Busty Mature Latinas’ Killer.

A business analytics company forecasts Jeff Bezos will become the world’s first trillionaire by 2026. This upset many Americans, but most of them are more upset their Amazon Prime shipments are taking 7 days to get there.

Mary-Kate Olsen is getting divorced from French banker Pierre Olivier Sarkozy. He’s given her until May 18 to vacate their home, making it a Half-Full House.

Golden Corral shared reopening plans, where servers will bring buffet food to tables, and use special harnesses to lift children without touching them so they can shove their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Freelance platforms like Fiverr and Upwork say the most in-demand “side hustles” you can do from home include website design, app testing & blog writing. If you’re willing to go outside the home, they recommend “the world’s oldest side hustle”.

For its reopening, Disney World will check guests temperature prior to entry. They’ll use special thermometers to tell the difference between a real fever, and people angry at how much they just paid to get into Disney World.

A viral video shows a fight as a woman was kicked out of Red Lobster on Mother’s Day after demanding a refund because her order took 3 hours. Red Lobster’s spokesperson said they were glad no one was injured by the fight, or by the Shrimp Alfredo.

Researchers state low Vitamin D levels are correlated with severity of COVID-19 illness and death. They say prevention plans should include drinking milk in direct sunlight.

The same researchers are warning that women should use caution around dude-bros who offer to up their levels of “Vitamin D”.

A woman traveling by foot throughout India gave birth, then walked 99 miles with her newborn. She named the baby ‘Heavy’.

 

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Australian scientists warn against “bare bottom farting” due to potential spread of aerosolized feces containing coronavirus. Their claim was made from the most unpleasant research laboratory in the country. [story h/t to J.O.]

The United States is monitoring intelligence that Kim Jong Un is in severely failing health following surgery. North Korea’s state news agency reported the firing squad death of the country’s top liposuction doctor.

Officials from Disney World have joined a Florida task force to reopen the state economy. The benefit of their participation is in question, since they aren’t allowed to speak and can only pose for pictures.

A woman in a wheelchair is suing Disney World, saying she was injured on the park’s ‘Frozen’ ride – claiming she’s now Frozen stiff.

The Buffalo Bills are one of three NFL teams holding virtual workouts for draft prospects. The prospects call the virtual workouts “the best way to visit Buffalo”.

Tom Brady was asked to leave a closed public park in Tampa where he was exercising. Tampa police thanked anonymous tipster “Bill B” for the video surveillance.

A Texas emergency room doctor is self-quarantining in his kids’ backyard treehouse. So far, a dozen patients died because he couldn’t be reached via the tin can with a string on it.

Some concert goers are mad because they hold tickets to concerts designated as “postponed” instead of “cancelled”, so they can’t get refunds. “I need that money for chicken nuggets and juice boxes, goddamnit” said a Wiggles fan.

Senior citizens collecting Social Security via direct deposit can expect to see their government stimulus money this week, followed by their first-ever video calls from grandchildren asking to borrow it.

An animal sancutary in California lets companies pay for farm animals to join video business meetings. Workers say the animals’ presence is relaxing, and three separate goats say they’ve been offered executive positions at cable & internet companies. [story h/t to E.K.]

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Mickey & Minnie Mouse, 91 years old each, finally have their own ride at Disney World: ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway’. It was supposed to be ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Railway’, so now you know why Disney didn’t want them having their own ride.

A New York City lawyer with coronavirus is listed in ‘severe’ condition, but his close friends say he’s motivated by the massive lawsuit he’ll file if he ever gets out of the hospital.

Senator Richard Blumenthal has asked U.S. airlines to immediately waive change and cancellation fees because of the coronavirus, and to waive change and cancellation fees for trips on Spirit Airlines just because.

A director at the Centers For Disease Control said that, to fight coronavirus, Americans may need to take a break from their normal daily routine for two weeks. “Okay, if you think it’ll help” said serial killers.

Buffalo Wild Wings is letting two contest winners live inside of a Chicago area location for one night during the ‘March Madness’ NCAA Mens Basketball tournament. The best part is they can watch all the games they want, but no one will make them eat there.

Ikea recalled another 820,000 dressers because of the risk of their falling on to small children. Ikea said owners can return the dressers, but not their children.

Do-it-yourself fecal transplants – used to put healthy bacteria in the colon to treat bowel disorders – are found to improve symptoms in 82% of people. The other 18% are sh*t out of luck.

Michael Bloomberg is ending his presidential bid after spending half a billion dollars on advertising. “Mike Will Get It Done” will long be remembered as the slogan of a guy who blew half a billion dollars on advertising when he could have bought a hockey team.

Flavor Flav gave his first interview since being fired as a member of Public Enemy, 90 percent of which was the ‘Y’ sound in the word ‘boy’.

Alaska Airlines, Southwest, United and Hawaiian all announced low fares on flights to Hawaii, so book now if you’ve ever dreamed of spending two weeks in a tropical hospital.

 

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The Invisible Man brought in close to $30 million this weekend – as billionaire Tom Steyer checked his savings account and dropped out of the presidential race.

As part of an agreement to lower the number of U.S. troops in Afghanistan, over 5000 Taliban fighters will be released, and added to UFC lineups in Kabul.

Tony Romo agreed to a record $17 million per year deal to remain an NFL analyst at CBS Sports. Meanwhile, at ESPN, Booger McFarland agreed to pay $2 million per year to keep saying nonsense on Monday Night Football.

Washington state is investigating a possible coronavirus outbreak at a nursing home. The good news is that the visitors lounge was empty anyway.

Buckingham Palace officially confirmed that Harry & Meghan will be allowed to retain their royal titles – Black Sheep & Golddigger.

Workers at Disney World retrieved an iPhone 11 from the Seven Seas Lagoon attraction after it had been dropped in the water at a Halloween party – though the phone’s owner was shocked to see naked pics of Ariel that Sebastian took under the sea.

The Surgeon General urged Americans to stop buying face masks to prevent coronavirus, saying the shortage is hindering the ability to get them for medical professionals and ugly people.

The last crew members on board the contaminated Diamond Princess cruise liner were evacuated, and the ship will return to port to be sterilized. Once seaworthy, it will relaunch with the captain breaking a bottle of Clorox over its bow.

Google apologized after its Nest home security cameras stopped working during a 17-hour outage. Subscribers to video cloud storage will receive a $5 refund, and creeps will get an update of what the small child they’re stalking did during the 17 hours.

Public Enemy fired Flavor Flav. Founder Chuck D said the group has been called a lot of names over the years, but never flavorless.

Americans will soon rely on methods other than passwords as the main form of cybersecurity, according to Vijay Balasubramaniyan – CEO of Pindrop, an online security company – who admits he uses his last name as a password and no one has cracked it.

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Michael Bloomberg was declared eligible to participate in the next Democratic Party Presidential Debate. In other news, the debate moderator bought a boat.

Walmart said their Holiday 2019 shopping season “wasn’t as good as expected”. They said the first hint was when Black Friday Doorbuster concussions dropped 50% from last year.

Disney World’s iconic Cinderella Castle is getting a makeover. The news was reported by customers at an Orlando Home Depot, who saw Cinderella and Prince Charming arguing about paint colors.

Vendors are complaining about electicity costs at the Philadelphia Flower Show. 10 days of power for a booth cost $165 in 2019, and over $400 this year. The local electricians union said the added cost is protection money to rough up rats chewing power lines.

Instagram & YouTube fitness model Zoe Klopfer discovered her photographer had hidden a camera in her bathroom, capturing images of her nude and using the toilet. Klopfer has over 240,000 followers; the toilet account now has over a million.

IKEA Dubai is letting customers discount their purchase by showing how long it took them to get to the store with their Google Maps timeline. Customers traveling an hour to the store are excited to save money on products taking them four hours to assemble incorrectly.

Boy Scouts of America declared bankruptcy, after their plan to offer limited-edition Dropping Sexual Assault Lawsuit merit badges didn’t get much traction.

Chinese restaurants in major U.S. cities are claiming their business is down as much as 50% over fears of the COVID-19 coronavirus – and sales of #19 combos are almost non-existent.

White House adviser Stephen Miller married Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Waldman on Sunday. No word on when, or if, they plan to welcome children for sacrifice to Satan.

TV hit ‘Riverdale’ is getting a spinoff, ‘Katy Keene’, which features an abundance of LGBTQ characters and story lines – like refusing to be served at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, and taking a half-hour to explain to Moose what ‘gay’ is.