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A former New York restaurant hostess said in a TikTok video that Kylie Jenner left a $20 tip on a $500 dinner bill. Reached for comment, Kylie said it was because she was out of $1s and $5s .

Taco Bell is reportedly planning a massive overhaul of its menu, but assures customers that whatever they serve will still result in a massive overhaul to their bathroom.

Three teenagers fishing off the coast of Maine took nearly 7 hours to haul in a 700-pound bluefin tuna. They started a GoFundMe to raise money for enough firecrackers to blow it up.

A California teen is credited with inventing ‘Talking Masks’ – masks with a clear panel so deaf people can read their lips, and also tell them they have spinach in their teeth.

Nick Cannon apologized for anti-Semitic remarks he made on a podcast, and was subsequently confirmed to be keeping his job as host of The Masked Singer – which will be renamed The Masked Singers Who Probably Aren’t Jewish.

British Airways announced they’re retiring their entire fleet of Boeing 747s, but will allow pilots and flight attendants the opportunity to have one final shag in the first-class loo.

Smugglers attempted to ship cocaine from Colombia to Italy in coffee beans that had been sliced open and resealed. Italian cops arrested the man who picked up the package, then had the best goddamned coffee break ever.

Following a night of wild partying, recording artist Megan Thee Stallion was taken to a hospital with gunshot wounds in her foot. Doctors say she’s lucky the bullets didn’t break her leg, because they’d have to put Stallion down.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and Danica Patrick have ended their two-year relationship, which ran out of gas.

Kanye West is reportedly still forging ahead with his presidential run, and Caitlyn Jenner wants to be his running mate. Jenner would become the first vice-president to declare their pronouns.

 

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Walmart announced they’re requiring all shoppers to wear masks, and all their senior citizen greeters will receive karate training.

The Virginia mountain lake where ‘Dirty Dancing’ was filmed had completely dried up, but is now starting to retain water again after a wet spring. The symbolism has made Jennifer Grey hopeful she’ll get acting offers again.

The New York Post published a photo of actress Amber Heard’s feces after she reportedly defecated in her & Johnny Depp’s bed after a fight. The picture was evidence in litigation between the two actors, and is part of the Post’s Pulitzer prize entry.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorney told the judge at her bail hearing that she is now married. The lawyer wouldn’t say who she wed or when, only that she’s really getting along with one of the other prisoners.

Kanye West ended his 2020 presidential bid, choosing instead to run on stage at the next inauguration to tell everybody who should have won.

Asheville, North Carolina approved reparations for Black residents. It’s now impossible to rent a U-Haul within a 500-mile radius of Asheville, North Carolina.

Former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville won the Republican nomination in Alabama’s senate primary over former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who recused himself.

New York Times opinion columnist and editor Bari Weiss resigned, issuing a scathing letter claiming that coworkers called her a Nazi and a racist. “Welcome aboard!” said White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

Ivanka Trump was dragged in social media after saying unemployed workers should “try something new!” Later, she posted a selfie holding a can of Goya beans saying “try something new!…this stuff that people eat on the other side of the wall!”

Celebrity co-parents Khloe Kardashian and Tristan Thompson have reportedly reunited and hired a wedding planner to prepare a low-key ceremony to be attended by family members, close friends, and 200 photographers.

 

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A New Jersey woman was sucked into a sewer and shot out into a river over a mile away. She says she won’t return to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. [story h/t to J.L.]

Two Jimmy John’s sandwich shop employees were fired for posting a video where they made a noose out of bread dough. Jimmy John’s is also pulling the Hangman’s Ham Hoagie from their menu.

Kanye West’s family is reportedly concerned that he’s experiencing a serious bipolar episode. In related news, Kanye agreed to participate in his first presidential candidate debate against himself.

Lavicia Leslie will assume the title role in CW Network’s comic book drama ‘Batwoman’, vacated by lesbian actress Ruby Rose. Leslie, a black bisexual actress, is attracted to both cats and penguins.

A wooden statue of Melania Trump was set on fire in her native Slovenia. No response yet from the wooden statue in the East Wing.

Supermarket chain Wegmans announced the permanent closure of all its in-store pubs, following the latest fatal shopping cart DUI in the frozen food aisle.

The FDA warned of hand sanitizers that contain wood alcohol. The sanitizer is toxic if absorbed through the skin, yet smooth and delicious with a splash of Coke.

The mayor of Seoul, South Korea has been reported missing. All available cops have been called in to do some serious Seoul searching.

A 12-year-old girl won $20,000 for creating a car seat device that helps prevent hot-car deaths. She plans to spend the money helping her 3-year-old brother recover from prototype testing.

Decommissioned police body cameras are being sold on eBay, and hackers buying them are finding troves of video evidence, much of which captures distraught employees being shaken down for free Dunkin donuts.

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Kanye West applied to trademark Yeezy Cosmetics. He wanted to call them Kanye Cosmetics, but sister-in-law Kylie Jenner objected, saying Kylie Cosmetics customers would be confused because “Kylie” and “Kanye” are spelled the same.

Peloton will now allow users to register as nonbinary, but they’ll still kinda know depending on who hurts themselves sitting too hard on the bicycle seat.

Scientists say clothes will last longest using the shortest, coldest washing machine cycle. The exception being men’s white briefs, which should be thrown in the garbage.

Some Florida bars are closing for a second time, just a week after reopening. They made the decision after many customers got the 2-for-1 Special – free coronavirus, in addition to the usual chlamydia.

Some airlines are banning alcohol on planes in response to COVID-19, after multiple drunks almost choked to death puking in to their masks.

A new feature allows iPhone owners to say “Siri I’m getting pulled over” to start recording an interaction with police. It activates the video camera and stabilizes the image while you’re being harassed and beaten.

Country group Lady A – formerly Lady Antebellum – said they will keep their new name after conversations with a Seattle singer who’s called herself Lady A for 20 years. Seattle’s Lady A will begin calling herself The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

USA Today published a list of 100 things its readers can do to help fight racism. First on their list is “learn to read”.

A generic steroid, dexamethasone, has been found to reduce mortality in patients with severe COVID-19 infections. Post recovery, they also hit 33% more home runs.

New Jersey is expanding a program to place power-generating wind turbines off the Jersey Shore. They expect the program to generate hundreds of jobs, and the turbines to blow dozens of mob-boss corpses on to shore beaches.

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Harlem Globetrotters legend Fred ‘Curly’ Neal passed away. He’ll be buried with a basketball so he can spin in his grave.

Kanye West shared plans for his massive ranch in Wyoming, including a ‘urine farm’ where human waste is converted to plant food. West will still have a studio, so he can convert human waste to music.

Hockey equipment manufacturer Bauer has switched from making hockey equipment to medical gear. At the hospital receiving their first shipment, two nurses dropped their Bauer gloves and fought for a surgical mask.

China President Xi vowed to cooperate with the United States to defeat coronavirus, because we owe him a sh*t-ton of money.  [Ed. Note: Did you know that China holds about $1.1 trillion in U.S. debt?]

New York hospitals say two people being treated for COVID-19 may end up having to share a ventilator. Patients are more concerned they won’t get their own tv.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell threatened punishment to teams criticizing the NFL proceeding with April’s draft amidst the COVID-19 outbreak. While no specific action was mentioned, Goodell has privately threatened to hold future drafts in Green Bay or Buffalo.

JoAnn Fabrics employees staged protests over working in crowded stores after execs declared them ‘essential retail’. They’ve since moved to curbside pickup, so thrifty moms can sew dresses for their daughters to wear at the Facetime Prom.

Amazon’s Alexa can now tell you your COVID-19 risk level. However, Google’s Assistant has already stolen so much of your personal data it can tell if you actually have the virus.

The first flight attendant has passed away after contracting coronavirus. He died still clutching a half-full can of Diet Coke he refused to give to a passenger.

Some intensive care patients being treated for coronavirus are being treated with large doses of vitamin C.  Some respond favorably, although others have been the victim of orange juice drownings.

 

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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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The World Series Champion Washington Nationals visited the White House. Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki wore a ‘Make America Great Again’. Trump told him he’s doing a great job making motorcycles, then asked how he’s related to Japanese President Shinzo Abe.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was terminated after revealing he was having a consensual relationship with an employee. The relationship was exposed when he showed up to work with red and white clown greasepaint on his shirt collar.

The New York Times published an exposé asserting that police breathalyzers are unreliable, citing the DUI arrests of 5-year-olds driving Big Wheels while sipping grape juice boxes.

A Maryland man was stabbed to death following an argument over a Popeye’s chicken sandwich. They say the suspect is a 28-year-old man, and they don’t know if he fled on foot. Since it’s an argument over Popeye’s, probably not.

Dutch Olympic sprinter Madiea Ghafoor was sentenced to prison after being caught with 100 pounds of ecstasy pills in her car. She wasn’t too ecstatic.

A black cat ran on to the field and through the end zone during the Giants/Cowboys Monday Night Football game. The cat’s on-field antics overshadowed his kneeling protest during the national anthem.

Kanye West’s new album includes a track encouraging listeners to swap Instagram for church. Women confused by the message are being kicked out of churches for snapping selfies while twerking.

‘90210’ actor Ian Ziering and he wife, Erin Ludwig, have split after 9 years of marriage. The divorce filing cited irreconcilable embarrassment over Sharknado movies.

Teen Mom 2 alum Jenelle Evans, 27,  filed for divorce from husband David Eason, 31, with each saying time is running out to find new 16-year-olds to start families with.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg said they’ll continue to run political ads – including those with known lies – but that they’re not doing it because of the money. She added Facebook makes enough money with all of the other misuses of information.

 

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An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.

 

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A Washington state man allegedly hiding drugs in his rectum accidentally shot himself in the testicles with a gun hidden in his pants. Police told him he had the right to remain silent, because they were afraid of what he had hidden in his mouth. [story h/t to J.O.]

Cable giant Comcast is developing an in-home device that monitors health and provides help when it detects users having a serious medical episode. By ‘help’, it means allowing you to pay your final bill with voice commands before you die.

Sylvester Stallone kept the two pet turtles – ‘Cuff’ and ‘Link’ – from the original Rocky film in the mid-70s, and reports that they’re each alive and 44 years old. Like Stallone, they’ve each been married and divorced several times.

Brian Hickerson, boyfriend of actress Hayden Panetierre, has been hit with a restraining order following a domestic violence arrest. He’s been ordered to stay 100 yards away, but was given a telescope so he can see the 4-foot-11-inch actress from a distance to make sure he’s complying.

Students from the University of Southern California’s Rocket Propulsion Lab are the first in-school team to send a rocket outside of Earth’s atmosphere. Hollywood celebrities took note and are paying six figures to get their kids on USC’s Rocket Team.

Paramount Pictures pushed back the release of Sonic the Hedgehog three months, to February 14, 2020. The added time is needed to update Sonic visual effects, and for a marketing campaign touting it as the Perfect Valentine’s Day Breakup Movie.

Retired NFL QB Donovan McNabb told TMZ he believes he should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame, since he has better career numbers than Dallas Cowboys’ HOF QB Troy Aikman. McNabb concedes that Aikman has more Super Bowl rings, but he out-vomited Aikman in Super Bowls.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are reportedly attempting to trademark the name of their newest child, Psalm. If successful, churches will no longer be able to refer to Psalms by name, instead calling them ‘good ol’ catchy prayers from the back of the Bible’.

Simon Cowell said he’s lost twenty pounds on a vegan diet. He says he feels great and is still a huge dick.

Amazon is now offering free tours of its Fulfillment Centers, so visitors as young as 6 years old can learn how corporate slavery works.

 

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The European Space Agency said they’ll unveil a photo of Sagittarius A, the black hole at the center of the Milky Way Galaxy. They say it’s the first-ever photo taken of a black hole, a claim disputed by the publishers of Black Tail magazine.

A man traveling from Lithuania to Italy was surprised to find he was the only passenger on a 188 seat charter jet. The airline refused his request for a first class upgrade.

Lauren Miranda, a junior high math teacher, is suing her school for firing her after a student found a topless selfie she took years ago. Her lawyer said she’s an excellent teacher, since the student calculated the circumference of her breasts with geometry.

The Alliance of American Football ceased operations effective immediately. It’s unclear whether season ticket holders will receive refunds, because league officials don’t know if anyone was dumb enough to buy them.

According to website Nameberry, the top ‘trendy’ baby names in the first quarter of 2019 were Posie for girls and Milo for boys. Jane and Floyd were the top names of bullies who will make life hell for Posie and Milo in a few years.

Lori Lightfoot was elected as the first black female, openly gay, mayor of Chicago. Her inauguration will be a low-key affair, with just a few close family & friends invited to a staged hate crime.

Homosexuality and adultery are now punishable with death by stoning in Brunei. The United States Supreme Court upheld the decision 5-4, just for the hell of it.

After his ejection for a second technical foul, Golden State Warriors Kevin Durant called referee Zach Zarba a “bitch ass motherf*cker”. Durant will likely not lose any endorsements, recently filming an ad for his sponsor American Family Insurance saying “these bitch ass motherf*ckers can save you a lot on your home & auto policies.”

An American tourist and his driver were kidnapped by armed men in a national park in Uganda, threatening the less-than-$10,000/year Ugandan Tourism Industry.

Kim Kardashian said she’s asked by daughter North why they’re famous. Kardashian said her typical reply is ” daddy is a singer, performer, artiste” adding “Mommy..has so many talents I can’t begin to name them.” To which the five-year-old replied “I thought it was the movie of you banging that guy.”