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A Pennsylvania woman discovered she’s a perfect match for a Kentucky man in need of a kidney. She’ll travel there for the transplant operation just as soon as Kentucky’s top kidney specialist gets his jackknife sharpened and new reading glasses.

Delta Airlines is eliminating a program guaranteeing passengers checked bags are on the carousel within 20 minutes of flight arrival, or the bag owner gets 2,500 flyer miles. They say every flight to Philadelphia is costing them about 2.5 million miles.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis – one of this year’s nominees for the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame – told the Rock HoF to “do me a favor and f*ck off”. In response, board members of the Hall told Gallagher please don’t look back in anger.

The Department of Transportation is increasing Chinese airline flights to the U.S. from 35 per week to 50. The move is intended to limit the number of freezing deaths from Chinese tourists trying to enter the U.S. via spy balloons.

A Reddit user claimed that AI ChatGPT performed better when he offered it $100,000 to complete a task. ChatGPT finished the task, is still waiting on the money, and hired someone to break the Reddit user’s fingers.

Sony is laying off 900 employees from its PlayStation division, each of whom received Game Over notifications.

Ticket reseller SeatGeek is launching a ‘Smart Pricing’ feature that uses AI to tell sellers the best sales price for tickets, and a ‘Give Up’ feature that uses a buyer’s bank account & credit info to tell them there’s no way they’re getting Taylor Swift tickets.

Madonna has taken images of the late Luther Vandross out of an AIDS tribute displayed during her live show because he didn’t die of AIDS. The tribute contains photos of Freddie Mercury, Keith Haring… and Donald Trump, captioned with “Let’s Hope So”.

A new University of Texas study claims orgasms aren’t just for pleasure, they ‘rewire the brain’ to create a long-lasting bond between sex partners. The study explains why women have more guy friends, and why men are so good to their hands.

The latest Gen Z relationship trend is women seeking “babygirl” men. Instead of toxic masculinity, babygirl guys are in touch with their feminine side, display some feminine traits, and are gay.

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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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Harvard researchers say the phrase “How are you?” kills small talk. Although they admit it probably grew in popularity because it works so well getting people to stop talking.

Skeletal remains found in the receding Lake Mead near Las Vegas were identified as a man who disappeared 50 years ago. His death was ruled an accidental drowning while trying out his new concrete scuba gear.

New artificial intelligence-powered glasses project conversation suggestions on the lenses based on what another person just said. It can handle every phrase except “take off those stupid looking glasses”.

Anna Craming, 20, a tournament-caliber chess player who streams games online, said she frequently receives unwelcome remarks from men during matches. The men deny the allegations, saying they were just excited about taking the queen.

Tennis great Boris Becker was released from prison following an 8 1/2 month stint for fraud. He said he was almost killed when he attempted to befriend a fellow prisoner who he thought was a kindred spirit because he was in prison for racketeering.

Rapper Tory Lanez asked a judge to overturn his conviction for shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot, saying the jury was wrongly influenced by a photo of him holding a gun, and by the fact that he shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot.

Khloe Kardashian answered a fan on social media who asked her if, following plastic surgery, she “missed her old face”. Khloe replied “which one?”.

A women’s water polo player was accused of inappropriate touching during a match. She defended her action, saying the top of the opponent’s suit was the same color as the ball.

70 hippos kept on a compound owned by convicted drug kingpin Pablo Escobar will cost the Colombian government $3.5 million to relocate. They’ll also need a food budget since they can no longer eat Escobar’s drug-trafficking rivals.

Congressmen from New York and Kentucky got in a shouting match after Wednesday’s session over their differences on proposed assault weapons bans. The Kentucky congressman challenged the New Yorker to pistols at ten paces.

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Department store Lord & Taylor is closing all of its stores. “Good Lord!” said Taylor.

IKEA is partnering with LEGO, so you can have a second meltdown when you step on the pieces of furniture you can’t put together.

‘Sister Sister’ actor Marques Houston married Miya Dickey in a private ceremony. The pastor asked Houston “Do you take Miya Dickey?..”, then, that night, Houston asked his wife the same thing.

Paris, France will mandate face masks for all pedestrians and cyclists starting today. Parisians are generally okay with it since masks lessen the intensity from citizens who still won’t wear deodorant.

Career management site The Ladders listed industries least likely to hire workers over age 45. The industry least like to hire aging workers is Manufacturing; the place most likely to employ aging workers is The White House.

Because of underwater free-dive training for upcoming ‘Avatar’ sequels, Kate Winslet said she can hold her breath for seven minutes. She said it also comes in handy on the days when the crew is served burritos.

Fox Networks has delayed the premiere of reality show ‘Masterchef Jr.’, citing the coronavirus pandemic, and judges getting sick after eating Play-Doh.

Amid a bitter divorce battle, Dr Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young won’t give him back his gun, his motorcycle or his golf clubs. Dre is reportedly very frustrated as he tries to finish a diss track that rhymes words for ‘gun’, ‘motorcycle’ and ‘golf clubs’.

New Jersey will honor transgender activist Marsha P Johnson with a monument. The monument will be accessible from both directions on the New Jersey Turnpike and will contain a Roy Rogers, a Starbucks and a Sbarro.

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky said he was assaulted by an angry mob outside of the White House after the Republican National Convention. He said if he wanted to get beat up, he can stay home and let his neighbor do it again.

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Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

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As her hit song ‘Juice’ played in the arena during a Los Angeles Lakers game, singer Lizzo lifted her dress to show her thong and buttocks. Some players and fans enjoyed it, others considered it technically foul.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis advocates closing a legal loophole that allowed a Saudi national in training at a U.S. naval base to own the gun he used on a killing spree. Desantis clarified that he’s still okay with good ol’ U.S.-born lunatics shooting up public places.

President Trump tweeted Democrats have no “smocking gun” in the impeachment inquiry, leading to criticism of his misspellng on Twitter. Republicans rushed to his defense, complimenting him on the correct spelling of “gun”.

Finland’s Sanna Marin, age 34, is set to become the world’s youngest prime minister. She’s so far from her prime that they’re changing the title to Millennial Minister.

South Africa’s Zozbini Tunzi was crowned Miss Universe 2019. The only thing with more Zs than her name was the audience sleeping through the interview portion of the pageant.

Walmart Canada faces criticism for selling ugly Christmas sweaters depicting Santa, among other things, doing cocaine; getting anally probled by an alien, and warming his testicles by a fire. The sweaters are available in the stores’ Formal Wear Department.

China’s national government plans to remove foreign hardware and software from its state department. So far they’ve spent two weeks trying to find hardware that isn’t made in China.

Travel & Leisure magazine named its Top 50 vacation destinations for 2020. Number one on the list is Addis Ababa, Ethiopia – but they say to bring plenty of your own snacks.

Kentucky police seized a parcel shipped to a Louisville man’s home – an air fryer that contained 20 pounds of meth. The man was arrested and is now being treated for  addiction to french fries he made.

Family court judge Dawn Gentry of Kenton County, Kentucky, is accused of having sexual threesomes in her court chambers, as well as pressuring lawyers for sexual favors. It was so bad, instead of Your Honor, they called her You’re In Her.

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Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.

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A giant 13-by-13 foot concrete swastika was unearthed beneath a sports field in Hamburg, Germany. German officials intend to destroy it with jackhammers, but only after President Trump deemed it too expensive to transport to Washington.

A female Twitter user’s hack for sneaking food into movie theaters by using a fake foam ‘baby bump’ has gone viral; since then, dozens of women have been thrown out of cinemas after their Mountain Dew broke.

John Lasseter, writer/creator of the Toy Story movies and Chief Creative Officer of Pixar/Disney Animation, is taking a six-month leave of absence amid accusations of sexual misconduct by female employees. Lasseter will spend time-out dreaming up new adventures for Woody.

Saudi Arabia plans to issue its first tourist visas in 2018, and at the same time will introduce ‘Saudi Prime’, which includes free two-day shipping for incoming brides.

A 6-year-old Wisconsin girl shot and killed a six-point buck, the first to do so after the state nixed its minimum hunting age. Her father – who was with her – was reportedly “beaming”. Her 4-year-old brother is reportedly “terrified.”

Uber paid a $100,000 ransom to hackers who stole the data of 50 million riders and 7 million drivers. Investigators believe the hackers were competing taxi drivers, since they wouldn’t accept a credit card.

While smoking is still the number one cause of cancer, updated research from the American Cancer Society attributes an increasing number of cancer-related deaths to obesity and alcohol consumption – leading some doctors to lobby for warning labels on the floor mats at Dunkin Donuts and Buffalo Wild Wings.

New data from the Centers for Disease Control reveal the drunkest city in every U.S. state – except for Kentucky and Tennessee, where multiple cities are in the midst of a lengthy binge to break each’s 10-way tie.

Atlanta imploded the Georgia Dome, the biggest collapse the city has witnessed since the Super Bowl.

The Wall Street Journal reports that many Chief Financial Officers are discontinuing the use of Microsoft Excel, saying the ubiquitous spreadsheet software hasn’t kept up with modern financial analysis needs such as large data manipulation, and modeling payouts to executives dismissed for sexual harassment.