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Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

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Tonga recorded its first case of COVID-19. They would restrict visitors but nobody knows where it is to begin with.

Democratic Senator Kyrsten Sinema is reportedly receiving huge donations from multi-level marketing companies. Sinema is refusing to support infrastructure bills until Speaker Nancy Pelosi buys something at her Mary Kay party.

A man using a metal detector in East Norfolk, England found the largest trove of Anglo-Saxon gold coins, dating back to 630 A.D. He’ll add this to his massive find of bottle caps, dating back to a graduation party in June.

The American Journal of Public Health claims a habit of drinking sweetened sodas causes premature aging. Some coroners have already ordered autopsy forms with ‘Mountain Dew’ pre-printed in the Cause of Death section.

Fox News host Tucker Carlson claims he understands opioid addicts now, after being medicated for an emergency back surgery early this week. No further details were given, but it’s believed Carlson’s back broke from the weight of his being so full of shit.

After closing 600 stores during the pandemic, Starbucks announced plans to open as many 500 new locations in hospital intensive care units.

Will Smith said he fell in love with co-star Stockard Channing while ‘method acting’ during their filming of Six Degrees of Separation. His love was unrequited, as Channing remained in love with Kenickie while ‘method acting’ a decade earlier in Grease.

Megan Thee Stallion shared pics on Instagram, posing in a thong and adding “showed my a** and still went to class”, as she prepares to get her diploma from Texas Southern University on December 11th. She’ll become the school’s first ever Valetwerktorian.

No camera crews from Kim Kardashian’s new Hulu show were present at her dinners with comic Pete Davidson on Staten Island. So Kim fired the camera crew.

New York & Chicago are reportedly paying children $100 each to get COVID vaccines, as reports emerge of 2nd graders ‘making it rain’ at lavish playground parties with dancers spinning on monkey bars.

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A viral image of black-licorice-flavored Oscar Mayer ‘Halloweiners’ proved to be fake, disappointing fans of black licorice, and disappointing even more fans of black weiners.

30,000 visitors were locked inside Shanghai Disneyland for hours after one visitor tested positive for COVID-19. The park reported no other COVID infections, although several people stuck on ‘It’s A Small World’ took their own life.

Despite Microsoft’s warnings that new operating system Windows 11 will only work on newer PCs with fast processors and ample memory, a man got it running on a 15-year-old computer. He intends to prove it once the PC finishes booting up in 8 months.

Nearly 90 countries joined a global pact to reduce methane gas. India has not yet agreed – as cows frantically pack their sh*t and try to move there.

A Texas bar is refusing to allow customers to play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on the jukebox until December 1st. After that, it will abort playback of the song after four weeks.

Citing the challenging environment for Internet content providers, Yahoo! is pulling out of China. This, according to the company’s outgoing director of international operations, Ya Hu.

Space X’s Crew Dragon craft has a toilet leak, which will require four astronauts to use “undergarments” instead. However, due to global & extraterrestial supply chain issues, the undergarments won’t arrive in space for several months.

Scientists studying plants growing in Chile’s Atacama Desert – the world’s harshest non-polar desert – believe it holds the key to curing climate-related famine: eating cactus and tumbleweeds.

A new blood test can reportedly spot up to 50 different types of cancer – developers are working on a better name for the test than its current one: 49 Killer Flavors.

Kim Kardashian had a “fashion emergency” at a NYC awards show when a zipper broke on her outfit. Everyone was stunned to learn it was a zipper in the front.

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Pfizer says its COVID vaccine is safe and effective for children as young as 5. Kindergarten teachers report an increasing number of students playing ‘house’ having domestic disputes over who’s getting it.

A gunman at a Russian university killed 8 people. He was offered a scholarship by several universities in the Southern U.S.

Actor Seth Rogen criticized the Emmy Awards for allowing attendees to sit inside without wearing masks. Rogen then went outside and treated his healthy lungs to some weed.

Amazon is releasing its new Kindle Paperwhite e-readers, following a successful field trial with women and men using them while walking 0.5mph on the treadmill you’re waiting to use at the gym.

SpaceX founder Elon Musk mocked President Joe Biden for failing to congratulate the first all-civilian SpaceX crew who orbited Earth and returned Saturday. The mission raised $200 million for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and even more for Musk.

Zoos are immunizing large mammals for COVID-19, deciding it’s the best route to take after multiple zookeepers lost limbs trying to put masks on tigers and gorillas.

Pregnant Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott took daughter Stormi to the Houston Zoo. As a rhino walked away, Stormi pointed and said “Aunt Kim!”

Former UFC fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested and taken to a Los Angeles jail, where he was booked as Jason “Domestic Violence & Resisting Arrest” Miller.

Amazon is casting a tv commercial featuring Buffalo Bills fans, where they’ll pay a fan $1,100 to dive on, and break, a folding table. Casting agents expect to take about three years to sift through 70,000 audition videos.

A mother at a Texas school board meeting objected to a middle school library book for its depiction of anal sex. The district removed two copies of the book, but is waiting for ten more copies that kids checked out immediately following the mother’s speech.

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KISS canceled a show when frontman Paul Stanley tested positive for COVID-19. Gene Simmons’ COVID test still isn’t done because he keeps sticking out his tongue and knocking away the nose swab.

A viral video shows two boys at the Little League World Series staring at a smartphone photo of a large-breasted woman. The boys swiped left and moved on to other profile photos of Little League groupies.

Porn actor Ron Jeremy was indicted for over 30 counts of sexual assault. More charges are expected after prosecutors finish watching The Ron Jeremy Collection: Volume II.

California’s Caldor Fire caused evacuation warnings for the Lake Tahoe area. Residents can either evacuate, or scuba-dive in the lake.

Rochelle Wallensky, Director of the Centers for Disease Control, said something needs to be done to curb gun violence in the U.S. – saying she’s opposed to increasing numbers of citizens being vaccinated with hot lead.

Raymond Vannieuwenhoven, 84, received consecutive life sentences after his saliva from the envelope of a Police Performance survey linked him to the 1979 murder scene. He’s asked to change his rating of police work from Average to Very Good.

Philadelphia International Airport will soon be welcoming Afghani refugees. If they thought waiting for the flight from Kabul was bad, imagine how long they’ll be waiting for their checked bags.

A new study finds female hummingbirds that look like males face less “social harassment”. Cute, feminine hummingbirds are now wearing flannel shirts and crew cuts so they can be left alone and collect more nectar.

Kanye West seemingly recreated his wedding to Kim Kardashian at the most recent ‘Donda‘ album listening party. After the party, security was overwhelmed by dark-haired women with large butts attempting to recreate the wedding night.

Celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Leonard Hochstein – known as the “Boob God” – is being sued for medical malpractice for allegedly damaging a woman’s legs and labia during a thigh lift. He’s now known as Boob God & Crotch Wrecker.

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Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider experienced a ‘breakthrough’ case of COVID-19, and believes he caught it from his wife taking their grandchildren to Disney World, citing lax mask and vaccine enforcement. “We’re not gonna take that!” screamed Goofy.

ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill passed away unexpectedly at age 72. Insiders expect an open casket, and every girl looking at him to be crazy about him.

Celebrity sommelier Caleb Ganzer was arrested for setting fire to outdoor dining structures and garbage in Manhattan. Ganzer would set small fires, see if he liked them, then make a bigger fire in the same spot.

Children have discovered how to fake a positive COVID-19 test by dripping juice or soft drinks on the swab in order to get out of going to school. Although some kids have been rushed to hospitals for emergency cancer treatment after tricking the test using Mountain Dew.

A TripAdvisor reviewer gave a Marriott resort in Mexico a one-star review after watching a crocodile drag a woman into the ocean. Fellow guests rescued the woman, and the crocodile gave the resort a five-star review.

Men digging a well in Sri Lanka unearthed a 2.5 million carat sapphire cluster worth $100 million. In other news, Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to a Sri Lankan ditch digger.

Restaurants across the country are starting to require proof of vaccination for indoor dining. Arby’s is not requiring proof of vaccination, but is requiring diners sign a liability waiver.

Athletes & celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Ronda Rousey and Michael Phelps shared messages of support for Simone Biles who withdrew from some Olympic events to focus on mental health. Meanwhile, baristas are stepping away from drink orders to focus on their mental health and getting immediately fired.

Police say a Parisian jewel thief was able to escape on an electric scooter because starstruck pedestrians were distracted seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme in an adjacent shop. Van Damme stuck around to report a stolen electric scooter.

Infomercial pioneer Ron Popeil passed away at age 86. No funeral was announced, but what if I told you there was a second funeral, and all you pay for is shipping?

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Thousands of jellyfish are gathering along the coast of Rhode Island. It’s the largest assembly of spineless creatures since the Republican National Convention.

Louisiana’s Zaila Avant-garde, age 14, became the first African American winner in the 96-year history of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. She’s also the first junior high student in Louisiana to get 100 on a spelling test.

ICE plans to limit the detention of pregnant, nursing & post-partum illegal immigrants, angering Border Patrol workers who just got done painting detention centers pink & robin’s egg blue.

California authorities seized $1.19 billion in illegal marijuana trafficked by drug cartels. Then, California dispensaries announced a billion-dollar legal marijuana inventory blowout sale.

The Biden Administration will issue a directive to reinstate net neutrality rules, and allow renters to have greater flexibility in choosing internet service. The guidance says nothing about customer service or raising prices, so ISPs are generally cool with it.

The United Kingdom recently passed ‘right to repair’ statutes, requiring manufacturers make parts available for consumers to fix their own TVs, refrigerators & washing machines. The United Kingdom has also seen a rise in electrocutions.

NBA star and Khloe Kardashian ex-boyfriend Tristan Thompson was awarded $50,000 in a libel settlement against a woman who falsely claimed he fathered her child. Thompson requested that the money be paid in $1 bills.

‘Flip Or Flop’ star Christina Haack claims she smoked toad venom to deal with anxiety issues. She’ll star in a new spinoff, ‘Flip, Flop, Hop & Fly’.

‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic’s ex-husband Dillon Passage announced he has a new boyfriend, John. No last name was given, but it’s speculated he’s John Ordinary.

Kim Kardashian is rebranding KKW Beauty products as she drops the West from her name following her pending divorce. She’s favoring KKK Beauty for Kim Kardashian Kosmetics.

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Kid Rock scolded audience members for recording his show in Nashville, calling them “f*cking f@ggots with their iPhones out”. He closed the show wishing everyone a Happy Pride Month.

The FBI used undercover agents to convince criminals to use a messaging app, ANOM, that they created, resulting in 800 arrests in 16 countries. They hope for similar results capturing lonely crime lords with their new dating app.

The Dept of Justice recovered $2.3 million paid by fuel conglomerate Colonial Pipeline to ransomware hackers. President Biden cancelled a planned celebratory news conference after he was told he couldn’t pose behind a table stacked with Bitcoins.

FBI agents were able to retrieve the Colonial Pipeline ransom by getting the password to the hackers Bitcoin wallet – ‘Bitcoin1’.

McDonald’s CEO claims higher wages are accelerating the company’s move to more automated restaurants, where digital assistants take orders, and robots forget to put french fries in the bag.

Kim Kardashian’s security team is investigating an anonymous package sent to her, containing a diamond engagement ring and Plan B birth control pills. Kim’s first goal is to figure out if it came from a handsome rapper or NBA star.

‘General Hospital’ star Kristen Storms said she underwent brain surgery. Now that her brain is repaired, she said she’s unable to enjoy soap operas.

Paula Abdul underwent ‘breast revision’ surgery. Abdul said that, as a dancer with a short frame, larger implants were harder on her back, and scuffing her tap shoes.

Fastly, a content delivery network that speeds load times for websites, crashed Tuesday morning, causing widespread Internet service outages. Fastly worked quickly & diligently to fully & completely remedy sites loading slowly or incompletely.

French President Emanuel Macron was slapped in the face during a public appearance. He was pulled away, then handed a pistol so he and the man could complete their duel.

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The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

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Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.