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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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Doritos is launching Nacho Cheese Liquor. Now your breath can reek of two different things at once.

The University of Pennsylvania named J. Larry Jameson as their new interim President. Meanwhile his father Jonah is pounding the desk at the Daily Bugle demanding more pictures of Spider-Man.

An investor group has reportedly offered $5.8 billion to buy Macy’s. They’d wanted to pay $4.6 billion, but their 20% off coupon wasn’t valid.

Rumors are swirling that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has already decided to part ways with longtime head coach Bill Belichick. One of Kraft’s closest advisors said the decision was difficult because Kraft has loved Bill long time.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce kissed at a holiday party following the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Sunday. Photographs show Kelce’s hands clearly violating Swift’s neutral zone.

Meta plans to fact-check posts on their Threads app, then probably do nothing about it.

Cocoa extract may improve cognitive function in adults. Look for new Cocoa Prevagen Krispies cereal.

Craig Berube was fired as head coach of the NHL St. Louis Blues. The bad news is he’s out of a job; the good news is he no longer has the Blues.

A self-copying RNA vaccine received approval for human trials. Once injected, the microchip in the vaccine makes a copy of itself.

Bradley Cooper’s 6-year-old daughter attended the premiere of his Leonard Bernstein biopic, ‘Maestro’ – then snuck out 20 minutes in to go see Trolls: Band Together.

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Pennsylvania State Police warned that a mountain lion was roaming the Macungie Township area, then retracted the warning after determining it was a large feral cat. In other news, two Pennsylvania campers were mauled to death by a feral cat.

Ed Currie, hot pepper expert who grew the Carolina Reaper – formerly the world’s hottest pepper – has now grown Pepper X, which is three times hotter. It’s so hot, the residue blinded the plumber who came to replace Ed Currie’s toilet.

LinkedIn is cutting 650 jobs. A massive surge in profile updates crashed LinkedIn.

The cost of purchasing a certificate to own a car in Singapore is now $76,000, which doesn’t include the cost of the vehicle itself. A Singapore single mom reports she’s having a hell of a time unloading her 2011 Chrysler Town & Country minivan.

Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour movie collected $96 million at the box office during its opening weekend, and also broke records for sales of friendship bracelets strung together from stale popcorn.

Netflix plans to open physical retail stores, giving subscribers the opportunity to visit them and bitch to a real person about paying $20 a month for crap.

Retired NFL coach-turned-analyst Rex Ryan said the 1-5 New England Patriots “suck”, .. on the premiere episode of his new show, ‘Takes One To Know One’.

Hamas released video of Israeli hostages being played a children’s song Mamtera Im Matara, on a loop for eight hours straight. They initially played Baby Shark, but repeatedly playing that song has been ruled an atrocity under the Geneva Convention.

A Nebraska funeral worker was fired after having sex with a life-size doll belonging to a dead man he was assigned to collect and transport to a funeral home. Things got worse when the funeral worker was notified the doll is now pregnant.

A 6th Grade teacher in Nevada is accused of coercing students to kiss in class and asking if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. Parents are outraged, but multiple 6th graders thanked the teacher now that they have dates for the big dance on Saturday.

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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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In England, a man with a metal detector found a medieval-era diamond & gold ring valued at over $44,000 – ending his streak of 22,565 bottle caps.

OnlyFans is adding shopping features. Soon subscribers will be able to purchase authentic game-worn lingerie from their favorite creators.

Facebook will remove Religion, Political Views & Sexual Orientation information fields from user profiles – making it harder than ever for Bisexual Muslim MAGA Republicans to find each other.

Starbucks workers staged a walkout to protest working conditions, wages, resistance to unionization, and other issues. They seek better pay, adequate staffing, and the ability to limit drink orders to 30 words or less.

Bruce Springsteen invited Taylor Swift to join the E Street Band. She declined, saying she doesn’t want her ticket prices to drop below $1,000.

Qatar is banning beer sales during World Cup games. Soccer hooligans are asked to buy full cans of non-alcoholic Bud Zero to bash over each other’s heads.

China state media reported over 100,000 workers were recruited to work at the country’s largest iPhone factory. They just need to figure out how to get to China after being fired from Twitter.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Luz Foundation – a charitable organization they established – gave away just 0.00008% of their net worth over 13 years spanning 2007 to 2019. “Thanks, Tom!” said the guy in charge of inflating footballs for the New England Patriots.

Dozens of sheep in China’s Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight. Finally, a ewe convinced a ram to stop and ask for directions.

QVC shopping network premiered its first-ever streaming Christmas movie, Holly & the Hot Chocolate. It can be yours for just four easy installments of 25 minutes each.

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Massachusetts’ National Assessment of Educational Progress standardardized test scores fell to a 19-year low, surprising experts who thought kids would focus on schoolwork because both the Red Sox and Patriots weren’t that good.

Medical experts say that the virus’ evolution and Americans’ vaccination status have changed the Top 5 COVID symptoms. Sore throat, headache & nasal congestion still top the list, while ‘being hooked up to a respirator’ and ‘death’ dropped to 6 & 7.

McDonald’s is returning McRib to restaurants for what it’s calling the McRib Farewell Tour, saying customers should “enjoy the sandwich like it’s your last” – not because it won’t return again, but because of artery blockage caused by eating one.

Legendary journalist Bob Woodward, promoting a new audiobook featuring interviews with Donald Trump, calls Trump ‘dangerous’ and ‘a threat to democracy’. The audiobook’s title is: ‘Duh’.

Rishi Sunak of the Conservative Party is the new Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. He promised to bring his party and country together until he’s dumped in two weeks.

Rumors renewed that Vladimir Putin is battling cancer due to alleged ‘IV track marks’ on his hands, indicating possible chemotherapy. That, and he’s considering radiation treatment by detonating a dirty bomb in his house.

Two Australian men face felony charges for firing potatoes at e*scooter riders, leaving one of them blind in one eye. Attempts to replace the victim’s damaged eye with one from a potato failed.

A North Carolina high school girls volleyball team forfeited a game against a rival school after a transgender athlete’s spike reportedly caused head & neck injuries to one of their players. The transgender woman’s team also lost two players to broken arms after they high-fived her.

A Tennessee grandfather died in a skydiving accident during a ceremony before a high school football game. The grandfather was credited with a hard touchdown.

The Philadelphia Phillies reached the World Series, leading to thousands of people pouring into city streets, and to frustration of carjackers, angry that delighted fans were jumping on their ride.

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Eclipse, a Seattle dog famous for learning to ride the bus to a dog park alone, has died. To fill the void, multiple homeless Seattle residents have stepped in to ride the bus with their genitals exposed.

Student loan forgiveness applications are now being accepted through a ‘beta test’ website. “What’s a website?” asked borrowers who probably shouldn’t have received student loans.

Alaska’s snow crab harvest is cancelled after millions of the crustaceans disappeared from the state’s coastal waters. Carnival Cruise Lines reported several riots on board ships, when the crab leg station at the buffet was filled with Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was married in a surprise ceremony on Friday. The couple wrote their own vows, with hers beginning “Robert, me love you long time..”

Tom Brady attended Kraft’s wedding solo, without his wife Gisele Bundchen. He successfully avoided a blitz by every single and separated woman in attendance.

Kanye West is acquiring conservative social media app Parler, joining Candace Owens as the only verified black people on Parler.

Hearing aids are now approved for over-the-counter sale, coming to the rescue for hearing-impaired adults, and high school kids who need help cheating or hearing gossip.

A new study finds limited-contact practices to be one of the best ways to reduce head injuries in youth football, followed by having an unathletic kid who gets cut or rides the bench.

Some members of K-pop supergroup BTS are starting their required 18-month military service in the South Korean army. Fellow enlisted men marching in formation with BTS singers are still getting used to having panties thrown in their direction.

New York City congressional candidate Mike Itkis, who’s running on a platform to legalize sex work, released a 13-minute video having sex with porn star Nicole Sage. Itkis may be the first politician in history whose poll numbers go up after f*cking constituents.