By |

Three women were arrested after attacking Spirit Airlines employees at Ft. Lauderdale Airport after being told their flight to Philadelphia was delayed. A spokesman said Spirit Airlines is there to dish out abuse, not take it.

11 Major League Baseball umpires have opted out of working the upcoming season. Managers will use “spring training” games to practice yelling at and kicking dirt on to their robot replacements.

A nationwide coin shortage continues to cripple segments of the economy, with thousands of gumball machines declaring bankruptcy.

Google is working on a smart ‘house mouse’. It’s a handheld device you point at things in your smart home to control them, but it can’t mute the story about your spouse’s trip to the grocery store.

High-profile Twitter accounts like Barack Obama, Joe Biden and others were hacked, posting messages asking for donations in Bitcoin. No suspects have been identified, but subsequent messages sent coupon codes for Goya products.

The company formerly known as Chrysler will now be known as Stellantis. Vehicle models will still be called Chrysler’s, so owners don’t have to say “my Stellantis won’t start.”

Chipotle is planning to hire 10,000 new employees as they fast-track the construction of drive-thrus with mortar made from their queso nobody likes.

Machine Gun Kelly said that new girlfriend Megan Kelly has ‘the most beautiful feet that exist’. In fact, he said it twice, but could only be understood the second time after he pulled a foot out of his mouth.

Hailey Bieber apologized to a former restaurant hostess, who rated her a 4 out of 10 in terms of being nice. Bieber regretted her ‘negative vibes’ and said she hopes she and hostess can meet again, but they won’t, because she’s rich and famous.

Joanna Cole, author of the ‘Magic School Bus’ books, died at age 75, and will now ride in not-so-magic vehicles.

 

 

By |

Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.

By |

A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.

By |

Pennsylvania health officials traced 11 cases of COVID-19 to a Memorial Day party at the Jersey Shore. Test swabs were positive for coronavirus and Acqua di Gio cologne.

A retired Navy officer resigned his board seat on the Naval Academy Alumni Association after mistakenly broadcasting a racist conversation with his wife on Facebook Live. He was then named to the board of Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University Sailing Club.

Google Maps added new COVID-19 alerts. Right now, most Americans are just a five minute drive from COVID-19.

Jeff Bezos shared an email from an angry man named Dave, laced with racist rhetoric and condemning Bezos’ support for Black Lives Matter. Bezos told Dave he’s “the kind of customer I’m happy to lose” and “get back to delivering packages”.

A Philadelphia ShopRite grocery store reopened after being looted for 15 hours straight last weekend. Looters formed long lines at the reopening to get loyalty reward points for what they stole.

MIT scientists fit tens of thousands of artificial intelligence brain synapses on a microchip smaller than a piece of confetti. Now they just need to convince dumb people to snort confetti.

Vanity Fair published a rumor that Trump is considering firing son-in-law Jared Kushner. He’s displeased with Kushner’s handling of recent crises, and thinks it would be easy to replace him now that Barron is on summer break.

Execs at mobile video startup Quibi apparently are upsetting show creators by giving intense, harsh feedback. For instance, they sent multiple notes to producers of Chrissy Teigen’s show ‘Chrissy’s Court’; that read “please stop”.

Hayden Panettiere got a new tattoo on the back of her neck. “Hey, cool tattoo” said a guy who’s gotten to know Hayden Panettiere pretty well lately.

Landau Eugene Murphy Jr. – season 6 winner of America’s Got Talent – addressed former celebrity judge Gabrielle Union’s claims of racism, saying he never experienced it as a black man, but that he’s never been asked back to the show. Simon Cowell responded “who’s Landau Eugene Murphy Jr.?”

 

 

By |

A Philadelphia man was arrested for selling homemade dynamite used in multiple ATM burglaries. He charged $300 for a dozen dynamite sticks, plus a $4/stick service fee.

Drew Brees issued a lengthy apology for the insensitivity of his comments regarding kneeling protests, and hoped his negro and colored friends would forgive him.

Nevada police charged several far-right ‘Boogaloo’ extremists – white men intent on starting a new civil war – with terror and weapons crimes. No word if cops tasered the men to disrupt their plans, which would be Electric Boogaloo Breakin’.

A hidden feature in Google Maps lets you tell friends exactly where you are. Right now, everyone’s phone is set to My House.

JCPenney announced the 154 stores that will close this summer. Store closing sales start June 12th. Customers are asked to wear masks so no one knows they still shop at JCPenney .

The Washington Post analyzed Jeff Bezos’ personal charitable giving and determined his donations equate to $85 from the average American. Worse, the donations were in Amazon gift cards.

Following Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski’s criticism of Donald Trump, he promised to endorse any GOP opposition candidate if they “have a pulse”. Since Trump now requires a pulse for endorsements, many wondered if he still endorsed Mitch McConnell.

Kylie Jenner topped Forbes list of the highest-earning celebrities. Asked to comment, Jenner said she doesn’t read magazines for bees.

A viral video shows a Maryland man on a bike stealing signs from a young girl trying to commemorate George Floyd, then using his bike to run at her friends. He vowed to return to get the girl and her little dog, too.

The May unemployment rate fell to 13.3% as several states reopened, surprising economists who attributed the good news to asymptomatic coronavirus carriers happily returning to work.

By |

Robert Johnson, billionaire founder of BET Network, said the U.S. government should pay black Americans $14 trillion in reparations for slavery. “Yeah!” said Rachel Dolezal.

UFC fighter Jon Jones said he’ll relinquish his light heavyweight title belt – but the pawn shop guy said he’s still only giving him $200 for it.

Police in Pittsburgh seek to arrest and charge 20-year-old Brian Bartels for starting riots there. Bartels allegedly said that Philadelphia is a pretty great city, too.

Actor Thomas Middleditch and wife Mollie Gates – who Middleditch has said have an open marriage – are getting divorced. Their marriage is now more open than ever.

Donald Trump plans to declare Antifa a terrorist organization, and is pretty sure he’ll do the same for Uncletifa.

Dozens of Walmart and Target stores closed after being looted during weekend riots. Workers were largely unsuccessful collecting email addresses to let the looters know when the stores plan to reopen.

White Claw hard seltzer launched in Ireland, delighting women who want a lighter alternative to get loaded before their bar fights. 

Beyoncé posted on Instagram, telling her fans to demand justice and end racial inequality. She then shut off the camera and asked her assistants to let her know how everything turns out.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook needs to do more to support equality and safety for black communities. Then he kicked back and watched Facebook videos about how black people started COVID-19.

The World Meteorological Organization released its alphabetically-ordered list of hurricane names for 2020, starting with Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal & Dolly. Kyle was chosen for letter K, leading to Karen asking to speak to the hurricane’s manager.

By |

White Claw hard seltzer added three new flavors – lemon, watermelon & tangerine. Their next new flavor will be beer.

Fans of The Masked Singer are outraged at the early eliminations of Chaka Khan and Dionne Warwick. Khan and Warwick said that they, too, are angry they won’t win a contest that pays no money while they sing dressed in mouse and monster costumes.

Fox News contributor Britt McHenry underwent surgery to remove a golf-ball sized brain tumor. Now that she has even less brain tissue, her support is stronger than ever for Donald Trump.

A Philadelphia person tested for the coronavirus does not, in fact, have the infection. Like so many others, it turns out there are lots of places the coronavirus wants to visit before Philadelphia.

Pro wrestler & notorious ‘heel’ MJF gave the finger to a 7-year-old boy at a meet-and-greet event in Chicago, then justified his action in a later statement, “f*ck them kids”. As a make-good, the boy will get a private VIP session with MJF, who will piledrive him.

Passengers on Princess Cruises’ Grand Princess ship were told to stay in their rooms while they wait to get screened for coronavirus, after a prior passenger on the vessel died. It’s so bad, the whales swimming near the ship wear face masks.

Police in Doylestown, Pennsylvania are looking for a man who stuffed $100 worth of tequila down his pants. The thief was so excited, he hung the bottles by their handles.

Google cancelled their I/O 2020 technology convention over coronavirus fears. Google cancelled despite having collected enough personal info on attendees to know who, exactly, is going to get the virus.

The Google Assistant will now read articles in your browser aloud with the command “Hey Google, read it.” Annoyed passengers on buses, planes & trains can give the command “Hey Google, shut the f*ck up.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is rumored to be ending her presidential campaign, leaving student loan deadbeats with one last remaining hope.

Pornhub announced they’re releasing their first non-pornographic video. It’s a porn star and her kids at the Grand Canyon that she uploaded by mistake, but really captures the scenery.

 

By |

Before giving Tony Romo the richest contract for a NFL football analyst in broadcast history, CBS Sports reportedly tried to hire Peyton Manning instead. But the lenses on the booth cameras were unable to fully capture his massive forehead.

Google rolled out a new ‘feature drop’ for its Pixel lineup of phones, including  ‘car crash detection’, which detects car crashes using the phone’s microphone, accelerometer, and the name of the old Asian woman it’s registered to.

Nintendo’s mobile race game ‘Mario Kart Tour’ goes live on March 8th, allowing you to race against friends. It’s the first mobile game where you can lose to someone, then hit them in the head with your phone.

Bose Corporation terminated their CEO back in January without telling anyone, proving how good they are at cancelling noise.

Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History filed for bankruptcy protection. The museum director asked if any of their members knew a good lawyer, and received over 75,000 referrals in an hour.

Mike Pence dodged a reporter’s question asking him if he’d take his kids to Disney during the coronavirus outbreak. Pence then said Gay Days at Disney aren’t until early June, so he has time to think about it.

Police searched the apartment of a UPS worker planning a mass shooting in California, finding tactical weapons, body armor, 20,000 rounds of ammo – and a really efficient getaway map with no left turns!

Two New York City high schools closed after a suspected case of COVID-19 coronavirus in the community. Officials sought to spare students exposure to illness, and to spare parents from the schools’ musical production of ‘Fiddler On The Roof’.

Health experts are warning that homemade hand sanitizer recipes that recommend using vodka are ineffective, since vodka is only 40% alcohol. In other news, influencers were invited to the launch party for Mad Dog 2020 Hand Sanitizer.

Nearly 10% of Iranian lawmakers are infected with coronavirus; adding this is likely to cause a significant slowdown in the speed of trials and beheadings.

By |

Philadelphia is planning to open the first-of-its-kind ‘safe injection site’ in the U.S. It will be the first place where users can safely inject high doses of pain killers that isn’t an NFL locker room.

The White House plans to ask Congress for up to $2.5 billion to battle the COVID-19 coronavirus. The Pentagon will make a separate request of $5 billion, to buy 50 face masks.

The Centers for Disease Control listed which styles of facial hair pose issues in helping to prevent the coronavirus. They say certain beards prevent face masks from properly contacting the face, although they make the wearer look like less of a douche.

Heaven Fitch became the first female to win a North Carolina state high school wrestling championship. She won the 106-pound weight class, but swears she’s a Size 0.

  • Her finishing move is telling opponents stories about how much she loves visiting her grandmother, at which point they surrender.

A player for the American Hockey League Hershey Bears was hospitalized after getting knocked out in an on-ice fight. He was kept overnight for observation, and an additional five minutes for fighting.

The bankrupt Boy Scouts of America may need to sell original Norman Rockwell paintings in order to pay sexual molestation lawsuits. It’s not clear how much money the sales will generate, since most of the paintings are of scout leaders molesting boys.

A new study claims the average U.S. home internet speed went up, from 103.1 Mbps in 2018 to 128.3 Mbps in 2019. Asked for comment, a Comcast/Xfinity spokesperson said “Not because of us, that’s for sure.”

  • The same study cites the average U.S. household consumed 344 gigabytes of data in a year, at a rate of roughly 2 gigabytes per porn video.

The creator of the ‘Konami code’ – Up, up, down, down, left, right, b, a, start – has died. The code was used to generate extra lives in video games, but apparently really slows things down when you have to type it into defibrillators.

YouTube’rs are making videos teaching people to give themselves fecal transplants, where stool from healthy donors is put in the intestinal tract via the rectum to cure bowel disorders. So far the only videos YouTube has removed are the ones where the stool is used to make smoothies.

A St. Cloud, Minnesota Walmart experienced so much theft of socks and underwear that those items are now locked in a glass case. They say most of the shoplifters were low-income grandmothers who still insisted on giving terrible Christmas gifts.

By |

Andrew Yang ended his Presidential campaign, citing difficulty gaining voter recognition from behind his face mask.

The World Health Organization officially named the Wuhan coronavirus COVID-19. Next up, the W.H.O. is throwing COVID-19’s gender reveal party.

Cable company Optimum announced price increases up to $30/month for tv packages, citing “increased costs of programming that you never watch.”

Google Nest home security cameras will require two-factor authentication beginning this spring. After entering the first password, the hacker looking at your kid’s bedroom will ask for the second password sent to your email.

Philadelphia is considering widespread changes to its public bus routes. They claim statistics show buses are running slower than ever; and by “statistics” they mean the number of pedestrians run over by buses.

Cambodia will allow a Holland America cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus to dock, after five other countries refused it. Cambodian officials agreed to let the ship in after the captain told them how much food they had on board.

Pope Francis delayed a decision whether to allow married men to serve as priests in the Amazon region, adding that, until he does, they’re free to keep up whatever crazy jungle love they’ve got going on.

JD Power released its 2020 list of the Most Dependable Vehicles. Topping the list – the Lexus ES. The least dependable vehicle is the one driven by your stoner buddy who said he’d pick you up at the airport.

Scientists have detected an “unexplainable radio signal” from outer space that repeats every 16 days. The scientists have repeatedly attempted to make contact with the signal source, but have yet to win Mötley Crüe tickets.

A new online startup, Ever Loved, promises to disrupt the funeral industry, offering caskets for 50% less than those sold by mortuaries. Although some buyers are put off by the caskets sold as Certified Pre Owned.