By |

Dean Foods, America’s largest milk producer, filed for bankruptcy. In case you’re wondering why there are so many cows driving for Uber.

Public impeachment hearings start today but will probably be missed by most Americans since they’re not on Disney+.

President Trump hosts the President of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan. Trump had to be told multiple times not to pardon the turkey for another two weeks.

Venice, Italy’s famous canals are flooded after the city experienced the highest tide in 50 years. Gondola operators have instituted surge pricing.

A substitute foreign language teacher in Texas was fired and charged with assault for punching and stomping on a 16-year-old student. The student is okay, but still doesn’t know how to conjugate verbs in French.

NFL teams have been invited to watch Colin Kaepernick work out to see if they’ll sign him. No word on which teams will attend, but they don’t plan to show up until after the National Anthem.

Two people from a sparsely populated region in China have been diagnosed with pneumonic plague. Officials say they don’t expect others will be infected, so long as they don’t order the mu shu pork.

A 17-year-old boy whose lungs were damaged by vaping would have died without receiving a double-lung transplant. Surgeons described the lungs removed from the sick boy as “minty”.

Google is planning to offer checking accounts, and is teaching the Google Assistant different ways to say “you’re broke”.

A Russian man lost hundreds of thousands of airline miles after he smuggled his overweight cat onto a cross-country flight. The cat was discovered after getting drunk and inappropriately putting its paws on flight attendants.

 

By |

The U.S. Army debuted a new ad campaign targeting Generation Z. It’s called  ‘Screw It, We’re Doing Fine Without You’.

Sources say Google is working on a secret program to collect health information from U.S. residents. They say until Google collects the information, the default setting for Americans health is “terrible”.

Google is reportedly planning to give slow-loading websites a “badge of shame” in its Chrome browser, and a lifetime achievement badge of shame to Comcast for throttling every website its internet service handles.

Government documents say Southwest Airlines is flying three dozen jets without certifying they comply with safety standards. Said a Southwest spokesperson “that’s because they don’t.”

Walmart and Target stores are reporting that popular toy ‘The Super Squishy Blob Ball’ is breaking and leaking. They haven’t seen this many swollen leaky balls since a gonorrhea outbreak at the company management retreat.

Pediatricians say children need simple toys, not iPads and electronics. Parents are advised to give their kid the iPad for a couple of hours to find themselves simple toys. [h/t to A.O. for the story]

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly considering hosting a podcast about the Congressional Impeachment proceedings. He’s looking for wealthy Ukrainian thugs with experience setting up a podcast studio.

Budweiser maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is in talks to buy the Kona Brewing Company. Budweiser plans to expand the Kona lineup with a new brew, just as soon as they learn  the correct Hawaiian word for ‘piss’.

South Carolina officials shut down Dominion Energy’s V.C. Summer nuclear reactor after a leak was discovered. Asked who discovered the leak, Dominion Energy said it’s a guy who’s going to be out of work for a while.

Disney+ is experiencing “unable to connect” errors on launch day. However for extra money, you can buy a Fast Pass to actually bypass the bottleneck and watch what you originally paid for.

 

By |

Applebees, Denny’s, Olive Garden and other restaurants are offering free meals in honor of Veterans Day. To receive the free meal, you must be a military veteran, or a food service veteran with PTSD.

In honor of Veterans Day, President Trump will attend a service honoring canines who wanted to serve, but were diagnosed with bone spurs in all four paws.

Much of the United States will experience record-breaking cold this week. It’s expected to break over 200 records, and shrink the number of August 2020 births by 80 percent on account of thick, fuzzy pajamas.

‘Love & Hip-Hop’ star Trina got into a fight at a Florida Walmart after bumping shopping carts with a woman who then called her a ‘n***** bitch’. Walmart said they were cancelling all remaining Black Friday dress rehearsals.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the rental service will now verify all of its listings, to give renters the peace of mind they need before they’re assaulted or murdered in a stranger’s house on vacation.

Food Network published a list of ‘100 Food Safety Red Flags’. Among them are: servers who appear to be ill; food that’s the wrong temperature; or anyone saying “welcome to Waffle House”.

Warner Brothers Animation released the trailer for Scoob! – the first feature-length animated Scooby-Doo film in decades. It’s the second-most anticipated movie in the Scooby-Doo Universe, right after Death of Scrappy-Doo.

A CBS News investigative report claims dating app fixation is causing user burnout. Users of dating apps say they’d be okay with it if the burnout was in their genitals, not their brains.

Jennifer Aniston was recognized as the 2019 ‘People’s Icon’ at the People’s Choice Awards. She’s only the second performer to receive it, the first being someone we’ve already forgotten about.

The Department of Transportation issued guidelines for families booking air travel, so that they’ll be seated together. They include booking early; reviewing an airline’s seating policy; and making sure Dad isn’t changing his seat assignment on purpose.

 

By |

Experts say Philadelphia International Airport may be at risk of flooding from storm surges, based on its proximity to the Delaware River. Philly airport baggage handlers advise travelers to switch to waterproof luggage they can lose and steal.

Coca Cola is introducing AHA, caffeinated sparkling water. It’s a refreshing new way to energize your day with an elevated heart rate and headaches.

New York City Mayor Bill deBlasio faces criticism for a plan where criminals are issued Mets tickets as incentive to show up for court appearances. The criminals criticized the plan, saying they just wanted to show up to go to jail.

Tesla will unveil its ‘Cybertruck’ electric pickup truck on November 21st. It’s ready now, but they’re waiting on rear-window decals of Calvin pissing on a gas pump.

Two million pounds of chicken are being recalled. Whatever they call chicken at McDonald’s these days is not impacted.

Appearing at a Donald Trump rally, Louisiana Senator John Kennedy said of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi “it must suck to be that dumb”. Louisiana Trump supporters replied “oh, we know”.

Aventura Technologies is being investigated for selling surveillance equipment to the U.S. Government that was made in China, but labeled ‘Made in the USA’. It’s being called the biggest fraud bust in the United States since Dolly Parton. [..sorry..]

A report shows Marvel and Star Wars content is the most watched among trial users of new streaming service Disney+.  The least popular content is the Mickey Mouse Anti-Vaping videos.

Sexually transmitted diseases chlamydia, syphilis & gonorrhea have risen in the U.S. for the fifth straight year. The largest number of gonorrhea cases were found in Mississippi – doctors there say many patients don’t get it treated because they can’t spell it.

Oprah released her annual ‘Favorite Things’ list. Topping the list?…the money that companies pay her for putting their products on it.

A 51-year-old man was arrested for groping a Disney Princess at Disney World. The princess was shaken, but otherwise okay, although she said her seven dwarf friends do a lousy job protecting her.

 

By |

Chile is cancelling the Global Climate Summit, saying it should be relocated to Warm.

Couples are abandoning the ‘Honey-Do’ list, using project management apps to create ‘Shared Labor’ lists and using date nights to compare chores. Husbands and wives are both calling this “the worst date of their lives”.

Richard Gere, 70, is expecting his second child with wife Alejandra Silva, 36 – earning him the coveted title Senior American Gigolo.

Jed Duggar, 20, of ’19 Kids and Counting’ is running for state representative in Arkansas. However, early polls show him carrying just 40% of his household.

The Cleveland Browns released safety Jermaine Whitehead following a series of tweets where he threatened to shoot and kill fans who criticized his play. Other players were happy they now know what it takes to get cut by the Cleveland Browns.

61% of American parents say they financially supported an adult child during the past year. 39% said giving a baby up for adoption seemed tough at first, but really paid off in the long run.

Employees of Buffalo Wild Wings were fired for ordering a mixed-race family not to sit near a racist regular who frequented the restaurant. The employees said they didn’t know this was different from regulars asking not to sit near Dallas Cowboys fans.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin intends to challenge his 5,800-vote election defeat to challenger Andy Beshear. Any resulting recount may take months, as state officials look for Kentucky residents who can count up to 5,000.

A Pennsylvania woman is charged with accepting over $10,000 in donations while she faked colon cancer. Donors grew suspicious when she said her chemotherapy was administered via chemically altered topping on her cheesesteaks.

A 14-year-old girl won a science contest for inventing a system to eliminate blind spots in cars.  Then her mom rear-ended a vehicle on the drive home while texting everyone the good news.

 

By |

The World Series Champion Washington Nationals visited the White House. Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki wore a ‘Make America Great Again’. Trump told him he’s doing a great job making motorcycles, then asked how he’s related to Japanese President Shinzo Abe.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was terminated after revealing he was having a consensual relationship with an employee. The relationship was exposed when he showed up to work with red and white clown greasepaint on his shirt collar.

The New York Times published an exposé asserting that police breathalyzers are unreliable, citing the DUI arrests of 5-year-olds driving Big Wheels while sipping grape juice boxes.

A Maryland man was stabbed to death following an argument over a Popeye’s chicken sandwich. They say the suspect is a 28-year-old man, and they don’t know if he fled on foot. Since it’s an argument over Popeye’s, probably not.

Dutch Olympic sprinter Madiea Ghafoor was sentenced to prison after being caught with 100 pounds of ecstasy pills in her car. She wasn’t too ecstatic.

A black cat ran on to the field and through the end zone during the Giants/Cowboys Monday Night Football game. The cat’s on-field antics overshadowed his kneeling protest during the national anthem.

Kanye West’s new album includes a track encouraging listeners to swap Instagram for church. Women confused by the message are being kicked out of churches for snapping selfies while twerking.

‘90210’ actor Ian Ziering and he wife, Erin Ludwig, have split after 9 years of marriage. The divorce filing cited irreconcilable embarrassment over Sharknado movies.

Teen Mom 2 alum Jenelle Evans, 27,  filed for divorce from husband David Eason, 31, with each saying time is running out to find new 16-year-olds to start families with.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg said they’ll continue to run political ads – including those with known lies – but that they’re not doing it because of the money. She added Facebook makes enough money with all of the other misuses of information.

 

By |

Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.

By |

A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.

 

By |

A child in New Jersey found heroin in his trick-or-treat bag after a party. Police estimated the street value of the heroin to be a dozen fun-size Snickers bars.

  • As for the child, he regrets confusing treat-givers by dressing as Kurt Cobain for Halloween.

Lebron James was forced to evacuate his Los Angeles area home due to wildfires. He then asked the fire chief to think about trading for better firefighters.

Philadelphia International Airport is hosting displays of zoo animals – ones from the Philadelphia Zoo, not the ones flying to Eagles road games.

An Indiana man has become a viral sensation for videos where he poses as ‘Halloween’ murderer Michael Myers. He’s the scariest white-faced Hoosier ghoul since Mike Pence was Governor.

iPhone and iPad users will be allowed to opt out from having humans listen to their questions to Siri. The human listeners hope more people opt out, too, so they don’t have to hear creeps ask about Siri’s underwear.

Amazon made home grocery delivery free for Prime members. So far there have been multiple reports of porch pirates stealing deliveries but leaving the broccoli.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli are reportedly “at the breaking point” and may plead guilty in the college admission scandal. They reconsidered when prosecutors added a third felony charge, causing the live studio audience to go “Oooooooh!!”

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson dressed as Jay-Z for Halloween, and was immediately criticized for dressing in black-er-face.

Country singer & actor Tim McGraw said he lost 40 pounds when his then-11-year-old daughter said he looked “big” watching him in the film ‘Four Christmases’. McGraw thanked his daughter for being one of the few people who could sit through ‘Four Christmases’.

Bud Light honored viral ‘hero’ Jeff Adams, who took a home run ball to the chest at the World Series instead of dropping two Bud Lights. The brewer sent him to Game 6 and said he’ll receive Bud Lights “for life” – assuming he only drinks Bud Light, it’ll just be a couple more years.