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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Scott Atlas – new pandemic adviser to the Trump administration – is pushing a controversial ‘herd immunity’ theory to limit COVID-19 fatalities. Asked for details, Atlas said he herd it worked in Sweden.

Today is Women’s Golf Day 2020! Just ask any of the pissed off foursomes of grumpy male retirees playing behind them this afternoon.

A judge ruled that Georgia ballots mailed by Election Day must be counted. Paired with slowed post office deliveries, election officials are planning a pajama party for Christmas Eve.

Google launched Google Kids Space, a kids mode on Android tablets that provides kid-safe apps, videos and games for children wondering why their parents didn’t get them an iPad instead.

Grand Prix motorcycle racer Miguel Oliveira,24, plans to marry his stepsister Andreia Pimenta, 25. They met in their early teens when his father married her mother, so they’re just making it official after living together ten years.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil’s new body shape can be seen in a photo taken with his father that he posted to social media. Fans describe the new shape as “still kinda round, but less gross”.

A study of mice determined that regular aerobic exercise increases the body’s ability to cope in times of stress. The study also found that mice really love Zumba.

A man in Brisbane, Australia returned home to find two large carpet python snakes fell through his kitchen ceiling. Like most visitors, the snakes were disappointed with the food selection in the bachelor’s kitchen.

New Zealander Lucky Diamond Rich – recognized by Guinness World Records as the world’s most tattooed man – told Guinness “I don’t regret anything”. However, the person who inked his genitals and inner buttocks has a regret or two.

Elon Musk’s new company, Neuralink, demonstrated its technology with a computer link installed in a pig’s brain. Musk said the technology is capable of summoning a Tesla with brain waves, but is being refined after the pig crashed three cars.

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Brad Pitt, 56, is reportedly dating 27-year-old Nicole Poturalski. She’s married to 68-year-old restaurant owner Roland Mary, but they supposedly have an ‘open’ relationship. So, Roland Mary should be open to getting dumped.

Researchers find that people could get help losing weight if they eat their own fecal microbiome. Or, if they want to eat others’ fecal microbiome and not lose weight, they can stick with Chipotle.

The Jacksonville Jaguars surprisingly cut starting running back Leonard Fournette. Fournette was last seen happily rushing for several thousand yards out of Jacksonville.

American Bryan Piccioli leads all competitors in the World Series of Poker, which is taking place online for the first time. Piccioli credits being able to stay relaxed by watching porn at the same time.

French tennis player Benoit Paire tested positive for COVID-19 ‘inside the bubble’ at the U.S. Open. He’s been called “out”.

A 3-year-old Taiwanese girl was caught in a giant kite during a kite-flying festival, sending her high into the air. The girl landed safely with two arms, two legs and a new tail.

A TikTok user shared video showing a McDonald’s hamburger and fries stored in her closet for 25 years. The food hadn’t decomposed, but her grandkids still refuse to have lunch at her house.

Katy Perry shared an unfiltered postpartum selfie wearing a breast-pumping bra and disposable underwear. Baby daddy Orlando Bloom saw it and filed for divorce, but then remembered they’re not married yet.

Google Maps is testing showing traffic lights on streets. Drivers are looking forward to staring at their phone to see if the light turned green.

A new study found hotel elevator buttons have 700 times more germs than a household toilet seat – and about 10,000 times fewer germs than the underside of a household toilet seat.

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Department store Lord & Taylor is closing all of its stores. “Good Lord!” said Taylor.

IKEA is partnering with LEGO, so you can have a second meltdown when you step on the pieces of furniture you can’t put together.

‘Sister Sister’ actor Marques Houston married Miya Dickey in a private ceremony. The pastor asked Houston “Do you take Miya Dickey?..”, then, that night, Houston asked his wife the same thing.

Paris, France will mandate face masks for all pedestrians and cyclists starting today. Parisians are generally okay with it since masks lessen the intensity from citizens who still won’t wear deodorant.

Career management site The Ladders listed industries least likely to hire workers over age 45. The industry least like to hire aging workers is Manufacturing; the place most likely to employ aging workers is The White House.

Because of underwater free-dive training for upcoming ‘Avatar’ sequels, Kate Winslet said she can hold her breath for seven minutes. She said it also comes in handy on the days when the crew is served burritos.

Fox Networks has delayed the premiere of reality show ‘Masterchef Jr.’, citing the coronavirus pandemic, and judges getting sick after eating Play-Doh.

Amid a bitter divorce battle, Dr Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young won’t give him back his gun, his motorcycle or his golf clubs. Dre is reportedly very frustrated as he tries to finish a diss track that rhymes words for ‘gun’, ‘motorcycle’ and ‘golf clubs’.

New Jersey will honor transgender activist Marsha P Johnson with a monument. The monument will be accessible from both directions on the New Jersey Turnpike and will contain a Roy Rogers, a Starbucks and a Sbarro.

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky said he was assaulted by an angry mob outside of the White House after the Republican National Convention. He said if he wanted to get beat up, he can stay home and let his neighbor do it again.

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Describing the lesbian sex scene she choreographed in a new film ‘Ammonite’, Kate Winslet said “it’s not like eating a sandwich” – to the disappointment of straight men practicing foreplay wolfing hoagies at Jersey Mike’s.

Diva actress Lea Michele shared the first photo of her new baby, as the infant belittled other babies in the hospital nursery.

Amazon introduced the Halo, a new wearable fitness tracker. You can opt for the basic health data package or upgrade to Amazon Halo Prime, which shows movies of you naked to help you lose weight.

Firefighters battling wildfires in California’s Marin County are assisted by a 2-year-old golden retriever, Kerith, a crisis response therapy animal. Kerith was almost fired, however, for eating the inventory at chicken barbecue fundraisers.

Microsoft introduced its new foldable smartphone, the Surface Duo. It goes on sale in September for $1,399, then less when they decide to leave the smartphone market again in October.

Mike Pence promised a COVID-19 vaccine by year’s end. Asked if he’ll get one, he said Mother told him “we’ll see”.

Katy Perry gave birth to a baby girl, Daisy Dove Bloom. It’s her first child, and third DD.

Macaulay Culkin turned 40, according to the affidavit filed for his testimony at the Wet Bandits parole hearing.

Snoop Dogg is introducing his first-ever wine, Snoop’s Cali Red. It costs $12/bottle, and he recommends pairing it with a different wine that costs $3/bottle.

Delta is adding in-flight hand-sanitizing stations, which passengers can use after their in-flight fistfights over wearing masks.

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Domino’s added chicken taco pizza to their menu. They say it’s for customers who want to eat pizza, but stil feel like they got sick from Mexican food.

Melania Trump addressed the Republican National Convention, saying Americans “deserve total honesty” from a president. Donald Trump then congratulated her on the great speech she totally wrote by herself because he loves her for her brain.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave a prerecorded RNC speech from a diplomatic visit to Jerusalem. “Good evening. Man. There are a LOT of Jews here..” he said.

Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned as president of Liberty University amidst a sex scandal. He’ll receive a $10.5 million buyout and a new pool boy.

After spending 92 years on the index, Exxon Mobil stock was removed from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, as its earnings ran out of gas.

Elon Musk is promising a demo of a ‘Neuralink’ – believed to be a way of controlling machines with brain waves. After the demo, preorders for Neuralink-enabled love dolls open up on the Tesla online store.

A new study recommends that people with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis stop exercising for two weeks. “I better get tested” said a 450-pound person on their couch.

Britney Spears’ kid sister, Jamie Lynn, is now a trustee to the conservatorship that controls Britney’s finances. Jamie Lynn said she plans to responsibly steer more of the investments toward shoes and cute tops.

The NFL is reexamining 77 players’ COVID-19 tests from a New Jersey lab after a rash of false positives. Results are slow in coming, because after each, an NFL official flips on a mic and announces “after further review..”.

Sean Connery turned 90. He had a glass of Metamucil “shaken, not stirred”, so it was incredibly lumpy.

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Fitbit introduced a new $330 smartwatch – designed to be the most expensive thing you leave on top of your dresser.

Nikki Haley addressed the Republican National Convention, saying “black lives are valuable” – referencing the handful who might actually vote for Trump.

McDonald’s is introducing Spicy Chicken McNuggets – the first new McNuggets flavor since they were introduced in 1983. They’ll be made with cayenne peppers, chili peppers, and possibly chicken.

A group of Krispy Kreme employees glazed a donut 25 times just to see what would happen. What happened was the donut was too heavy to be held in a paper bag, and every customer watching them demanded a dozen.

KFC has dropped its “finger lickin’ good” slogan amidst the global pandemic, as though it’s COVID-19 making customers sick and not the food.

Singapore’s waterfront is home to the world’s first floating Apple store. It’s also home to the first shoplifting ring that offers swim lessons.

The cartoon frog that appears in Google weather forecasts now wears a face mask. He’s been dropping some weight so now he also carries a fly swatter.

A bride & groom who canceled their wedding reception due to COVID-19 donated the unused food to a homeless shelter. However, shelter residents were annoyed at not getting their food until they did the electric slide.

Ole Miss – University of Mississippi football – announced their plans to limit in-person attendance to 25% of capacity at football games. They’ll only give tickets to Mississippians with a full set of teeth.

Women on TikTok are encouraging men to wear ‘short shorts’ with a 5-inch inseam. They claim it shows off men’s legs and makes them appear taller; it also makes it easier to tell who has a penis longer than 5 inches.

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As she left the altar, a female parishioner at a Philadelphia Catholic mass was punched in the face by another woman. The victim received the body of Christ, and the knuckles of Christine.

Kellyanne Conway’s daughter, Claudia, said on social media that she’s “pushing for emancipation”. To prove he’s the greatest president since Lincoln, Donald Trump will deliver her Emancipation Proclamation at Yo-Semite National Park.

Nancy Pelosi called the House of Representatives into a special weekend session to pass a $25 billion funding bill for the U.S. Postal Service. It’s the most money a woman has spent on a Saturday since the pandemic started.

The University of Mississippi’s student newspaper, The Daily Mississippian, printed a headline about the school reopening: ‘Are We Ready? Hell No.’ The paper gained national attention for its bold stance, and because they spelled Mississippian correctly.

In suburban Houston, a wedding guest shot the groom in the chest after the ceremony. The newlyweds said they wished they’d given out wine glasses instead of loaded handguns as wedding party favors.

An Arkansas farmer who confessed to killing a 26-year-old woman was the recipient of the county’s Family Of The Year award in 2016. In accordance with contest rules, the award now goes to the farm family that didn’t kill anybody.

The FDA is investigating a nine-state salmonella outbreak linked to peaches. Details are fuzzy.

A 4-year-old scored a hole-in-one at a golf course in West Virginia, then celebrated it with two more beers than he usually has after playing.

A $10 avocado slicer has 3,417 5-star reviews on Amazon – and a blistering 1-star review from someone with three fingers on their left hand.

Doctors in India removed a 110-pound ovarian tumor from a 233-pound woman. The woman and her tumor are both now happy to be a Size 4.

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Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli will be sentenced today for their guilty pleas in the college admissions scandal. They’re hoping to get into country club prisons after sending the judge six-figure checks and photos of themselves playing golf.

The Centers for Disease Control released a study of ‘youthful behavior’, claiming U.S. teens are having unprotected sex, driving drunk and vaping. The study’s authors said it was the most fun they’ve had gathering data.

An alligator was photographed grabbing a golf ball with his mouth at Idlewild Golf Course in Patterson, Louisiana. He was removed for not wearing a collared shirt and pants.

Three states – Montana, West Virginia & Kentucky – will pay an extra $100 to bring weekly unemployment benefits to $400. The states agreed to the extra funds following an intense lobbying effort from meth dealers.

New Era Cap company withdrew its naming sponsorship of the Buffalo Bills stadium. With no current sponsor, they’ll call it Bills Stadium in September and October, and Frostbite Field after that.

A Philadelphia company is being sued by Pennsylvania’s attorney general for selling Purell hand sanitizer for $75 on the Amazon Marketplace. “Yeah, but what about the FREE shipping?!” replied their lawyer.

Germany is considering a law forcing dog owners to take their pups on two one-hour walks each day. Dog owners believe it’s excessive, as do dogs, who are worried about burning out sniffing so many butts and peeing on hydrants.

The Senate Intelligence Committee concluded Donald Trump had business partners in Russia tied to organized crime and human trafficking. They added it was pretty easy to make the connection, since the business was named Trump Humans.

Google Maps is updating their app with boundary lines for wildfires, which will also tell you how far it is to the nearest exploding gas station.

Thom Brennaman – broadcaster fired from his jobs with the Cincinnati Reds and Fox Sports – wrote in an op-ed for the Cincinnati Enquirer that he didn’t know the word “fag” was hate speech. He plans to start an organization promoting tolerance, which he’ll name the C*cksucker Foundation.

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Chipotle employees made a behind-the-scenes video, sharing the recipe and preparation of their cilantro/lime rice. It’s so simple, Taco Bell is showing the video to the mice in their kitchen so they can make it.

An Ellen Degeneres tweet from 2009 resurfaced, where she says she “made an employee cry like a baby” and it “felt good”. As it turns out, the employee cried because Ellen surprised her with a cruise…to the unemployment office.

With Sturgis Motorcycle Rally over, the city of Sturgis will begin mass testing of city workers, first responders and others for COVID-19, and will throw in a gonorrhea test for free.

The COVID-19 pandemic is creating a trend of working mothers quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. Enterprising kids are training their moms with new skills to get them back out of the house so they can be alone again.

The Florida Keys will release 750 million genetically-modified male mosquitoes in the hope of eradicating females that carry diseases like zika and dengue fever. The females die when the see the males’ tiny gold chains and smell Drakkar Noir.

The Cincinnati Reds suspended broadcaster Thom Brennaman after he was caught on a live mic calling an unknown area “the f#g capital of the world”. Brennaman apologized and left midgame, and the Reds switchboard was bombarded with calls from people wanting to know where to visit the capital.

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon was arrested & charged with defrauding donors to the ‘Build The Wall’ campaign. Bannon will claim that he did, indeed, use donations to build a wall around his new pool.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won his latest appeal to supress video evidence in his prositution case in Florida. In a one-word opinion, the presiding judge wrote “gross”.

Marijuana vending machines debuted in Colorado. Long lines formed as stoners took forever smoothing out $1 bills.

Two giant gold nuggets worth $250,000 were found in Australia. Rapper L’il Wayne is waiting for the prospectors to find two more so they can be made into his new grill.