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Major repairs mean that London’s iconic Big Ben will be silent for four years. Crews renovating The White House are asking the Big Ben crews for tips on how they can shut things up for four years there, too.

Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier resigned from President Trump’s Manufacturers Council in protest over Trump’s failure to promptly condemn white supremacists in Charlottesville. Trump slammed Frazier, tweeting that Frazier’s leaving will give him more time to “lower ripoff drug prices.” Trump then blew taxpayer money to return to his ripoff country club in Bedminster.

The St Louis Cardinals will hold Rally Cat Appreciation Day to honor the stray cat that ran on to the field last week, inspiring a Cardinals comeback victory over the Royals. In addition to t-shirts, fans attending September’s appreciation day will get Rally Cat Food and sleep through the entire game.

The Toronto Blue Jays called up U.S. Army veteran Chris Rowley from their minor league team to pitch for them on Saturday. Americans envied Rowley’s ability to land a fun, high-paying job in Canada.

New research finds that goldfish can internally convert carbohydrates into alcohol, explaining why goldfish have such a hard time finding and keeping a job.

A 16 year old is running for Governor of Kansas, and his 17 year old friend is his running mate. Debate prep has already begun, with the challenger practicing telling the incumbent Governor “no,  you suck.”

Pro golfer Ian Poulter engaged in a heated argument with a rules official at the PGA Championship, over whether his lost ball had entered a hazard. For his poor behavior, he was assessed golf’s harshest penalty – being told that he wasn’t very polite.

Amazon is issuing refunds for what it’s saying are faulty eclipse glasses – Amazon is advising that they should not be used to watch the eclipse, but that they are still safe to see through women’s clothing.

A 27 year old motorcyclist survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in California’s Santa Monica Mountains near Los Angeles, captured on his GoPro camera. The cyclist was eventually taken to a hospital to be treated for a broken back, after he finished four more takes.

The Internet is abuzz over the Ta-Ta Towel, a $45 bra-like towel that women can wear to dry their breasts. While some criticize the high price, fans of the towel like its functionality, and say it’s also good for carrying produce or their bowling balls.

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Chipotle has temporarily closed a Texas location where mice were filmed in the restaurant. Chipotle had said the mice entered through a structural gap, but are now doing a full inspection. Meanwhile, the mice are hoping to catch on at a nearby Taco Bell.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued new safety guidelines for fidget spinners. The first guideline is waiting a week until your kid doesn’t care about fidget spinners anymore.

The Taylor Swift butt-grabbing trial continues in Denver, with Swift’s former security guard testifying that he witnessed a Denver DJ grab Swift’s buttocks. Asked why he didn’t say anything, the guard said he assumed Swift would just write a catty hit song about the guy.

The parent company of Applebee’s and IHOP announced they’re closing up to 160 U.S. locations. Execs say that more Americans are eating at restaurants that their friends won’t make fun of them for choosing.

Gun maker Sig Sauer is offering a “voluntary upgrade” to owners of its P320 pistols, following numerous reports that the gun will fire when dropped. Cops spotting criminals with a P320 are shouting “Police! Hang on to your weapon!”

JC Penney posted a huge quarterly loss, sending its stock price tumbling over 15%. The CEO attempted to calm investors, saying thousands of Grammas will be taking embarrassed teens Back To School shopping there all month long.

The FBI is saying that ISIS is using eBay transactions to send cash to U.S. terrorists, although the good news is that ISIS always leaves really positive seller feedback.

Google is donating $1.5 million to the 4-H Club to spur young peoples’ interest in technology. The 4-H said if Google keeps sending the fat stacks of cash, they’ll add a 5th H for hacking.

President Trump tweeted that U.S. military weapons are “locked and loaded” in the event of aggression by North Korea, continuing that he hoped Kim Jong Un chooses a “different path”. Un took the message to heart, and pointed the path of his missile pointed at Guam a few degrees right.

An American investment banker – charged with being the Putney Bridge Pusher, who shoved a woman in front of a London bus while he ran on the bridge – denies the charge, saying he wasn’t even in London at the time. As evidence, his lawyers submitted video of him on the same day pushing a woman in front of a New York City bus.

Midway through the 2017 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, bike crashes and DUIs are ahead of the 2016 pace, as measured by Harley-riding accountants who want you to think they’re badasses.

As automakers sell more & more electric cars, a dilemma is cropping up where owners are having difficulty finding places to charge them. Already this year, store managers are reporting a 1000% increase in customers with extension cords getting kicked out of Starbucks.

 

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Facebook is rolling out a YouTube-like video platform called ‘Watch’ – where users can see their privacy disappear.

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record, citing global warming and an early-season El Nino. President Trump used the news to reinforce the need for a border wall, to keep El Nino out.

Trump plans to declare the Opioid Crisis a National Emergency – saying opioids are in a 3-way tie for Biggest Health Crisis, along with heroin and Obamacare.

Texas pastor Robert Jeffress, an evangelical advisor to President Trump, said that God has given Trump “full control” to “take out” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. It’s hard to tell if the craziest part of that is God giving the green light to murder, or that Trump has an evangelical adviser.

A report claims President Trump has sent private messages to Russia Investigation Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s associates say the messages are ‘thank-you’s, but other messages are rumored to be:

  • Do you think Ivanka like-likes me? Yes/No/Maybe
  • Are you going to the next Trump Pep Rally?
  • Wanna come see a movie with me at The White House?

The U.S. has expelled two Cuban Ambassadors, following reports that several U.S. Ambassadors departed the American Embassy in Havana after experiencing severe hearing loss from a mysterious “sonic attack”. No further clarification was given, but the deafened U.S. Ambassadors hope they never hear Ricky Martin ever again.

WalMart apologized for an in-store sign that marketed guns as Back To School items. WalMart acknowledged the error, saying the guns were meant to be part of a Halloween promotion.

  • The sign above the guns read “Own The School Like a Hero”. So the NRA bought the guns and donated them to teachers.

Consumer Reports has pulled its ‘Recommended’ status from Microsoft Surface laptops, citing poor reliability compared to other brands. Microsoft attempted to reach Consumer Reports for further clarification, but kept getting error messages they didn’t understand.

A man rushed the stage at Britney Spears’ Las Vegas show, but was subdued and handcuffed by security. Britney had just started singing her hit ‘Crazy’, and the man thought that was his cue.

Former NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan, who came out as gay in June, is advocating for marijuana use by current players, saying it would be a ‘godsend’. Commissioner Roger Goodell said that not even God sends anything to NFL players without his approval.

Ryan Graves – a Senior VP and Uber’s first corporate employee – announced that he’s resigning, and that he’s taking a taxi home.

O.J. Simpson’s former agent is selling the white Ford Bronco from the infamous police chase. He purchased the car from Al ‘A.C.’ Cowlings. The car runs well, but there’s no A.C.

 

 

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Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”

 

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Former NFL QB Boomer Esiason said in an interview that he “most likely” has CTE. Esiason was responding to a reporter asking who provided his cell phone service.

The Washington Post reported the U.S. Intelligence Community’s conclusion that North Korea already has a nuclear warhead that can be fitted to its missiles. President Trump issued his most stern warning yet to North Korea in the form of the rare Double Dog Dare.

  • Trump warned that any aggression by North Korea would be met with “fire & fury”, before announcing the grand opening of a new barbecue restaurant in Trump Tower, ‘Fire & Fury’.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control said that reported cases of parasitic cyclospora are up 134% over this time in 2016. A spokesman for Six Flags Water Parks said that yes, it’s been a busy summer so far.

Cheetos is opening The Spotted Cheetah restaurant in NYC, providing ‘Cheetos-themed’ recipes. Though the restaurant will only be open three days, they expect to serve hundreds of couples their last meal before the guys get dumped by their girlfriends.

McDonald’s announced their plans to double the number of locations in China, helping the Chinese close the gap on the rest of the world when it comes to obesity rates.

The trial between Taylor Swift and a Denver DJ accused of grabbing her buttocks is underway; the judge told the jurors to respect the court and one another, noting that when it’s done, they are never, ever, ever getting back together.

UCLA QB Josh Rosen told Bleacher Report that football and school “don’t go together”. Asked to comment, UCLA Head Football Coach Jim Mora said “duh.”

 

 

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Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged unwanted sexts he sent to several female coworkers. Bolling is host of ‘The Five’, named for the sexts.

  • Bolling becomes the latest man at Fox News to be the subject of sexual harassment allegations, following late founder Roger Ailes, Bill O’Reilly, and almost all of Fox News Penis Photography Division.

Anny Divya, a 30 year-old woman, is the youngest commander/pilot of a Boeing 777 after receiving her certification from Air India. Passengers can expect to hear that they’ve totally reached their cruising altitude of, like, 35,000 feet or whatever.

10 people were injured when a flight from Greece to Philadelphia hit severe turbulence as it neared landing. Passengers described their experience as “terrifying” – both the experience of flight, and the experience of being in Philadelphia.

Swiss bank UBS released a study claiming that using self-flying, pilotless planes could save airlines $35 Billion per year, but that only 17% of passengers would welcome flying in a pilotless plane. The other 83% of respondents were sober.

A marijuana growing company purchased the entire town of Nipton, California for $5 million. Many of the small town’s 20 residents hope to be hired by the grower, register for employee benefits, then never show up for work again.

Vice President Mike Pence dismissed reports that he was considering a 2020 Presidential run as “disgraceful & offensive”. And, in all likelihood, true.

Atlanta firm Cardlytics – a research company specializing in tracking credit card spending – says young U.S. residents are spending less on gasoline and more on boutique fitness classes. The research is validated by Uber drivers who are so sick of hearing about your Soul Cycle class.

Bill and Hillary Clinton attended a screening of ‘Wonder Woman’. Bill stayed until the end, Hillary walked out when she realized it wasn’t about her.

A pop-up tornado in Tulsa, Oklahoma injured over 30 people, including six diners at a TGIFriday’s. None of their injuries were life-threatening, mostly related to flying debris and endless mozzarella sticks.

A New Jersey surgeon is believed to be among the first to use a plastic, 3d-printed skull implant on a human. The patient is expected to make a full recovery and resume smashing beer cans in to his head at the Jersey Shore.

 

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Taylor Swift is expected to testify in a wrongful dismissal lawsuit brought by a former Denver radio DJ. The DJ claims that he was fired after being accused of grabbing Swift’s buttocks at an area appearance; he denies the claim, saying he came up empty-handed.

Actor Tom Wopat was arrested in Waltham Massachusetts after allegedly placing his finger between a woman’s buttocks during a summer stage rehearsal. Wopat, known to millions as Luke Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, says that he was merely pushing up Daisy’s Dukes.

The U.S. Senate, prior to adjourning for August break, took steps to prevent President Trump from making recess appointments — fearing that he may remove Attorney General Jeff Sessions or Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump, confused over the meaning of “recess appointments” cancelled a visit from the guy who does his hair plugs.

President Trump started a 17-day vacation in New Jersey, finally giving Democrats the ammunition they need to question his mental stability.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced an aggressive crackdown on leaks of classified government information, as stated in a Washington Post interview with his cleaning lady.

An Alabama Muslim organization is demanding an investigation into a Decatur, AL McDonald’s location, which allegedly put bacon on all 14 McChicken sandwiches ordered by a Muslim family.  A man named in the complaint said he vomited twice after tasting the bacon. McDonald’s fired back, saying vomiting their food happens all the time.

Nielsen announces that it will now incorporate data from televisions in bars, gyms and airports when calculating its TV ratings. The biggest ratings gainer? Sports. The biggest loser? Everything your wife likes to watch.

TLC Network responded to a critical Tweet from Derrick Dillard, star of TLC’s Duggar family spinoff ‘Counting On’, in which he referred to transgender life as a “myth”. The Tweet indirectly referenced Jazz Jennings, transgender female star of TLC’s ‘I Am Jazz’. A TLC executive said that Dillard’s views do not represent those of TLC, adding that the network proudly exploits all of its on-air personalities equally.

A tech startup is hoping to solve the opioid crisis with a wearable device that uses electrical pulses to reduce pain. Results are mixed; with some users reporting reduced pain, while others overdose on electricity with forks and toasters.

Over 100 sexual abuse lawsuits have been brought against Roman Catholic priests on the island of Guam. Pope Francis asked what took them so long.

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Six Flags in San Antonio, Texas is set to open the first Wonder Woman roller coaster. It’s not very tall, but it has great curves.

  • The ride will be called Wonder Woman – Lasso of Truth. Guys can buy pictures of their girlfriends slapping them while on the coaster, as they helplessly blurt out the names of other girls they’d rather be riding it with.

Lara Trump, President Trump’s daughter-in-law, is the host of  a “news” video airing on Trump’s Facebook page. The video, meant to tout the Trump Administration’s accomplishments of the prior week, is set to air every six months.

  • No official name for the video yet, though the Trump camp is said to be fond of ‘Face News’.

NBC announced that Sylvester Stallone will be a guest on their hit series ‘This Is Us’, or as Stallone calls it, ‘Dishes Uh’. Insiders say Stallone will make 3 really great guest appearances, then another 3 or 4 really corny ones that you’ll never admit to watching.

The 1997 Honda Accord and the 1998 Honda Civic were the most-stolen vehicles in 2016. Honda’s CEO accepted the award from the editors of ‘Hot Car & Getaway Driver’ Magazine.

  • 2006 Ford Pickups rounded out the Top 3 most stolen. Thieves praised the payload of the Ford, saying it’s big enough to hold a 1998 Honda Civic.

Kissimmee and St Cloud, Florida are the first U.S. cities to experiment with using underground dumpsters to collect and hold city trash. Other Florida cities are balking at the half-million dollar expense, saying they’ll just wait and make underground dumpsters out of the sinkholes that open up.

Transcripts of Trump’s conversations with leaders of Australia & Mexico leaked to the press, including one in which Trump called New Hampshire a “drug infested den”. In Trump’s defense, he saw the slogan on New Hampshire license plates.

The Kennedy Center announced its 2017 honorees, including Gloria Estefan, LL Cool J, Lionel Richie and Norman Lear. After the list was read, Trump hurriedly made calls to soothe the hurt feelings of devastated artists Kid Rock & Ted Nugent.

CEO Shari McCoy is resigning from Avon, saying that while she will no longer be an Avon Lady, she looks forward to new challenges selling crap out of the trunk of her car.

 

 

 

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Tourists were stranded on the Greek island of Zante for two days due to a travel curfew imposed while endangered Loggerhead turtles were mating. The delay could have been shortened, but the turtles had trouble finishing with so many angry tourists watching.

The National Football League is considering relaxing its rules on marijuana use, to see if it may help players with pain management. Coaches object, worried their players will fall in with a bad crowd and stop studying.

President Trump introduced a proposed new immigration policy, aimed to prioritize entry to the U.S. for those who speak English and who are financially secure. He predicts the policy will attract many, many more well-spoken, affluent terrorists.

Trump was contradicted by Boy Scouts of America officials after Trump had bragged that he’d heard from the Scouts about his Jamboree speech, complimenting it as one of the best they’d ever heard. The Scouts said they never called, but Trump doubled down, saying the caller was “Timmy something.”

A Sports Illustrated profile on Trump had the President quoted as saying he spends so much time at his golf resorts because The White House is a ‘real dump’. A profile of Melania quotes her as saying she spends so much time away from her husband because he’s a ‘real dumpster’.

A recent wave of violent crime has threatened tourism in Cancun Mexico. Local officials said that tourists who remain at their resort destinations should be just fine, with the possible exception of Sandals El Chapo.

Police seized 5 pounds of methamphetamine from two men at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Australia. McDonald’s was forced to suspend sales of its special limited-time Quarter Pounder with Crank.

District of Columbia has joined Oregon in offering gender-neutral drivers licenses. Officers there have been trained to ask “Do you know why I pulled you over, ..person?”

Iowa’s Department of Alcoholic Beverages has warned against serving Moscow Mules in the traditional copper mug, because drinks with a pH below 6.0 can create a toxic interaction with the copper, and because in Iowa the drinks are served with bits of real mule.

Apple has accumulated record cash holdings of almost $260 Billion, leading to speculation that it may buy Disney Corporation, or at least pimp out Minnie & Mickey.

  • The company’s enormous cash position was announced by CEO Tim Cook at Apple’s quarterly Money Bonfire.

 

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Amazon is in trouble for shipping products to the Iranian Embassy. The illegal shipments were detected when U.S. Intelligence operatives heard Iranian Embassy workers ask Alexa where they could get plutonium and automatic weapons.

Unconfirmed reports state that Beyonce is interested in acquiring a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Players on the Houston Rockets said that they’d be really excited to acquire a stake in Beyonce.

Rookie New York Jets safety Jamal Adams stirred controversy when asked about player head injuries and CTE at a fan forum; Adams replied “literally, if I had a perfect place to die, it would be on the field.” As a member of the 2017 Jets, Adams can look forward to getting killed on the field, off of it, and most days in the Sports section.

Donald Trump Tweeted that he will continue to use social media to reach over 100 million followers, saying it’s the only way he can “get the truth out.” Meaning, out of his way.

Trump reacted to recent nuclear missile advances by North Korea saying simply “we’ll handle it.” Which instills the same confidence as hearing a Dad who can’t tell XBox from Playstation saying he’ll “handle” buying video games for his kid’s birthday.

The Emoji Movie made almost $25 Million at the weekend box office, despite its dismal 7% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, because it’s a long summer and Mommy needs her alone time while Dad takes you kids to the matinee.

The Wall Street Journal reports that New Jersey is losing Millennial workers – Millennials are described as preferring to work at offices close to where they socialize, and they prefer to socialize anywhere but New Jersey.

New England Patriots Julian Edelman and Stephon Gilmore were kicked out of practice for fighting. The fight started when Patriots veteran Edelman accused the newly-acquired Gilmore of not cheating hard enough.

A place kicker for the University of Central Florida lost his NCAA eligibility because he was being paid for videos on his YouTube channel. He promised to continue producing the make-up videos.

Burning Man Festival finally received its permit from the Federal Bureau of Land Management, and the festival will go on. Parts of the location had been flooded, leading organizers to either postpone the festival, or change it to Peeing Man.

  • One of the big art installations featured this year at Burning Man is a 14 foot pyramid constructed with gummy bears. The pyramid will be surrounded by armed guards to ward off Burners who get the munchies.

Jared Kushner told a group of White House Interns that the Trump Campaign couldn’t have colluded with the Russians because they were too disorganized. And if there’s one thing Kushner knows about the Russians, it’s that he’s indebted to them for tens of millions of dollars.