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Joe Biden swept all seven Democratic presidential primaries on Tuesday, then asked aides if that means he’s president now.

Ivanka Trump carried a handbag to Donald Trump’s controversial church photo op, saying she needed it to hold pepper spray in case her father got too close.

Golf courses are seeing increased use of new single-rider carts like the Finn Scooter, which resemble dirt bikes and help courses enable social distancing. They also make the day more fun when course owners install cool ramps to jump between holes.

Danielle Bregoli, aka Bhad Bhabie, aka the ‘Cash Me Outside’ Girl, has entered rehab. She asks for publicity during this very difficult time.

The Pennsylvania Turnpike Commission will lay off 500 toll collectors. All 500 will have booths installed in their driveways so they can collect unemployment benefits.

Ikea reopened stores in England and Northern Ireland, but long lines forced checkout wait times up to three hours. Workers passed out Allen wrenches so customers could use the time productively.

Google pulled an app that identified and removed other apps developed in China from its Play Store. Users would complain that, once they removed apps developed in China, there was nothing left.

A $5 billion class-action lawsuit claims Google allows tracking of web-browsing data on users in Incognito Mode. The suit was filed by “an anonymous group of a few thousand guys who are pretty sure they got fired for watching porn at work.”

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott pledged $1 million to improve the caliber of police training to address racism and advocacy. In response, Philadelphia Eagles fans raised $1 million to make police officer training worse.

AMC Theaters said in a statement it has “substantial doubt” it can remain in business because of the global pandemic. Bad news for moviegoers, good news for anyone looking to score a used electric leather recliner.

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A 104-year-old Minnesota woman recovered after a bout with coronavirus. Details of her treatment were not revealed, but it’s believed the virus choked to death on the dust.

Google and Apple are collaborating on a smartphone app where users self-report exposure to coronavirus to enable contact tracing. Tinder and Match are collaborating on their own similar app, to enable contact banging.

Walt Disney World is furloughing 43,000 employees, and is now the Emptiest Place On Earth.

Mossimo Giannulli – co-defendant with wife Lori Loughlin in the college admissions scandal – berated a guidance counselor who questioned whether his daughter was a college-level rower. It’s believed to be the first time someone has questioned the expertise of a guidance counselor.

Smoking pot makes users more susceptible to lung damage from coronavirus. Experts advise the best way for them to stay safe is to stay inside, alone, and smoke pot – which they’re pretty okay with.

A female zebra in Kenya mated with a donkey and gave birth to a rare ‘zonkey’. In a related story, a male zebra in Kenya filed for divorce.

Ronda Rousey said she quit WWE Wrestling because of the ungrateful fans. WWE fans want her to return so they can properly hate her back.

Dallas Cowboys stars Ezekiel Elliott and Dak Prescott appeared to violate stay-at-home guidelines, attending a birthday party rumored to have 30 people at Prescott’s home. No arrests were made, but they may face penalties for too many women in the huddle.

One of the nation’s largest pork processing plants is closing due to a rash of employees infected with coronavirus, and pigs social distancing.

Theater chain AMC is reportedly in bankr talks – but not until after the movie.

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A North Carolina woman’s windshield was smashed when struck by a large catfish dropped by a bird.  The woman was not injured, but several of the bird’s friends were arrested on a highway overpass preparing to drop more catfish on passing cars.

Bill Cosby’s spokesman criticized Eddie Murphy’s joke about Cosby during his Saturday Night Live monologue, saying Cosby paved the way for other black entertainers. Cosby did not see the joke himself, but he pretty much can’t see anything these days.

‘Cats’ the movie opened to horrible reviews, garnering just 18% ‘fresh’ on Rotten Tomatoes. Theater workers also complained, saying they’ve never picked up such disgusting litter as they did cleaning up after Cats.

Two Carnival cruise ships collided in Cozumel, Mexico. Cleaning didn’t work, so one of the captains tried to knock the norovirus off his ship.

A drunken, incoherent fan crashed the postgame press conference of Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson. He was quickly taken away so the drunken, incoherent Philadelphia press could ask their questions.

Alaska Airlines blamed rampant delays on an unusual amount of baggage handlers calling in sick, and apologized for an “awful holiday travel experience”. Spirit Airlines called their own awful holiday travel experience “business as usual”.

A woman claims hundreds of pieces of tiny red glitter reading ‘Ho’ fell off wrapping paper she bought at Target, saying that her house has ‘Ho’s everywhere — just the latest instance of Hos making life hard for wrappers.

Jennifer Lopez told Business Insider that she limits her children’s ‘screen time’ each week. ‘Screen time’ is what JLo calls it when her kids are in the same room with her.

24 states and 48 cities will raise their minimum wage on January 1st, 2020. In response, Chipotle doubled avocado shipments to accommodate the newly-minted rich who can now pay a bit extra for guacamole.

Boeing’s CEO resigned amidst fallout from the company’s 737-MAX disaster. He told close friends the worst part was having to fly coach on the way home after.

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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Chile is cancelling the Global Climate Summit, saying it should be relocated to Warm.

Couples are abandoning the ‘Honey-Do’ list, using project management apps to create ‘Shared Labor’ lists and using date nights to compare chores. Husbands and wives are both calling this “the worst date of their lives”.

Richard Gere, 70, is expecting his second child with wife Alejandra Silva, 36 – earning him the coveted title Senior American Gigolo.

Jed Duggar, 20, of ’19 Kids and Counting’ is running for state representative in Arkansas. However, early polls show him carrying just 40% of his household.

The Cleveland Browns released safety Jermaine Whitehead following a series of tweets where he threatened to shoot and kill fans who criticized his play. Other players were happy they now know what it takes to get cut by the Cleveland Browns.

61% of American parents say they financially supported an adult child during the past year. 39% said giving a baby up for adoption seemed tough at first, but really paid off in the long run.

Employees of Buffalo Wild Wings were fired for ordering a mixed-race family not to sit near a racist regular who frequented the restaurant. The employees said they didn’t know this was different from regulars asking not to sit near Dallas Cowboys fans.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin intends to challenge his 5,800-vote election defeat to challenger Andy Beshear. Any resulting recount may take months, as state officials look for Kentucky residents who can count up to 5,000.

A Pennsylvania woman is charged with accepting over $10,000 in donations while she faked colon cancer. Donors grew suspicious when she said her chemotherapy was administered via chemically altered topping on her cheesesteaks.

A 14-year-old girl won a science contest for inventing a system to eliminate blind spots in cars.  Then her mom rear-ended a vehicle on the drive home while texting everyone the good news.

 

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The World Series Champion Washington Nationals visited the White House. Nationals catcher Kurt Suzuki wore a ‘Make America Great Again’. Trump told him he’s doing a great job making motorcycles, then asked how he’s related to Japanese President Shinzo Abe.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook was terminated after revealing he was having a consensual relationship with an employee. The relationship was exposed when he showed up to work with red and white clown greasepaint on his shirt collar.

The New York Times published an exposé asserting that police breathalyzers are unreliable, citing the DUI arrests of 5-year-olds driving Big Wheels while sipping grape juice boxes.

A Maryland man was stabbed to death following an argument over a Popeye’s chicken sandwich. They say the suspect is a 28-year-old man, and they don’t know if he fled on foot. Since it’s an argument over Popeye’s, probably not.

Dutch Olympic sprinter Madiea Ghafoor was sentenced to prison after being caught with 100 pounds of ecstasy pills in her car. She wasn’t too ecstatic.

A black cat ran on to the field and through the end zone during the Giants/Cowboys Monday Night Football game. The cat’s on-field antics overshadowed his kneeling protest during the national anthem.

Kanye West’s new album includes a track encouraging listeners to swap Instagram for church. Women confused by the message are being kicked out of churches for snapping selfies while twerking.

‘90210’ actor Ian Ziering and he wife, Erin Ludwig, have split after 9 years of marriage. The divorce filing cited irreconcilable embarrassment over Sharknado movies.

Teen Mom 2 alum Jenelle Evans, 27,  filed for divorce from husband David Eason, 31, with each saying time is running out to find new 16-year-olds to start families with.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg said they’ll continue to run political ads – including those with known lies – but that they’re not doing it because of the money. She added Facebook makes enough money with all of the other misuses of information.

 

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A former Drexel University professor spent $189,000 in federal grant money at Philadelphia strip clubs and sports bars. He was fired, but not before submitting his final research paper, ‘How $189,000 Will Still Not Get You Laid At Strip Clubs’. [story h/t to A.O.]

A 44-year-old woman gymnast from Uzbekistan is waiting to see if she qualifies for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. If her scores are good enough, then she waits to see if her fiber supplement is taken off the banned substances list.

Toys R Us is partnering with Target to launch a new toy shopping website. Since Toys R Us has no physical stores, toddlers and other small children are adjusting to throwing temper tantrums in front of a laptop or tablet.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first plus-size lingerie model, size 14 Ali Tate-Cutler. Cutler will model lingerie made in larger sizes, featuring the first bras and panties with pockets for snacks.

Ellen Degeneres is facing criticism for attending a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush, including the risk of crashing Twitter under a tsunami of “Ellen likes Bush” jokes.

The Centers for Disease Control warned an American Airlines flight attendant may have exposed passengers to Hepatitis A – creating the fifth-most severe health risk faced by passengers on American Airlines flights.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz said that the Trump Impeachment Inquiry is a “Kangaroo Court” and that Democrat Adam Schiff is leading it like a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. Said Captain Kangaroo from beyond the grave “I didn’t know I was a Congressman.”

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reportedly broke up because she wanted a second child together, and he did not want a seventh child.

Major League Baseball is sponsoring a Junior Home Run Derby, so kids can have another way to disappoint their Dads outside of Little League.

Rob Gronkowski is joining Fox Sports as an NFL Football analyst – to the delight of viewers who think halftime and postgame highlights shows are just too darned complicated.

 

 

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President Trump said he takes North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ‘at his word’ when denying involvement in the death of American prisoner Otto Warmbier. Democrats found it unbelievable that Trump finds Un believable.

Trump took to Twitter to demand Congress obtain a manuscript of Michael Cohen’s purported tell-all book — then give him the gist of it with lots of pictures so he can say he read it.

In the wake of sexual misconduct allegations, singer Ryan Adams scheduled tour of the U.K. & Ireland has been cancelled, although the backstage meet-and-greets are still on.

Jason Witten will leave the Monday Night Football announcer booth and return to play tight end for the Dallas Cowboys next season – a move that surprised many because Tony Romo didn’t call it right before it happened.

Governor of Washington state Jay Inslee announced his plan to seek the Democratic nomination for President. Inslee will run on a platform about climate change – and is already making a difference, given the cool reception to his candidacy.

Amazon is giving Prime members the option to choose a single day of the week to have their packages delivered. Amazon says this lets them conserve resources, reduce their carbon footprint, and help porch pirates plan their schedules.

Nintendo’s job recruitment website says its employees in Japan stay with the company an average of 13.5 years and make $80,000 annually – even more if they avoid turtles and find bonus levels.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics posted data showing the highest-paying job in every state. Doctors & surgeons topped the rankings in most states, with the exception of the Deep South, where dentists typically are broke and bored from lack of patients.

The company that owns Old Navy and Gap are splitting them up. Gap will be combined with Banana Republic in a new company dubbed ‘Mom & Dad’ and Old Navy will operate as an independent company called ‘God, just leave me alone.’

Sexual abuse claims against Catholic priests and their church dioceses in New York State threaten to send them into bankruptcy. So keep an eye out for great deals on stained glass windows and reclaimed hardwood benches.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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In Arkansas, 69-year-old Patricia Hill allegedly shot and killed her 65-year-old husband, Frank, for purchasing an on-demand porno movie. She was angry her husband had somehow never heard of free Internet porn.

Starting Thursday, McDonald’s will issue five different MacCoins — one for each decade — to commemorate the 50th Anniversary of the Big Mac.  Each coin will be good for a free Big Mac. Customers are encouraged to collect all five and redeem them for a heart attack.

E! Network aired its latest episode of Total Bellas, where Nikki Bella and John Cena made the decision to call off their wedding. The scene features Nikki, John, and a pastor who slaps the altar three times to signal it’s over.

Followers of supermodel/mom Chrissy Teigen supported her as she posted an Instagram vacation photo, reclining nude on a chaise, covered by a towel while breastfeeding her newborn son. Her open breastfeeding is also supported by men on the Disney Cruise where she shot the pic.

Former porn star Mia Khalifa will undergo surgery to repair a ‘slightly deflated’ left breast implant, suffered when she was struck by a puck watching a Washington Capitals Stanley Cup playoff game two months ago. Khalifa decided on surgery after the team took dozens of shots at her right breast, but failed to even them out.

Atlanta Braves pitcher Sean Newcomb apologized for offensive tweets from his high-school days that included racial and homophobic slurs. Given the number of baseball players apologizing for their racist tweets, Topps announced that they’re just going to put them on players’ baseball cards to make them easier to find.

Rudy Giuliani, attorney for Donald Trump, said he didn’t know if collusion with Russians to use hacked information was illegal — adding that the hacking was illegal, but perhaps not using the stolen information. Next up, Giuliani will defend a group of men spending money they got from a bank robbery, saying he doesn’t know if knowingly spending stolen money is even illegal.

The National Football League has reportedly ordered Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to stop talking about player protests of the National Anthem. An NFL spokesman said it’s only fair to follow-up censorship of players with censorship of owners.

CBS Corporation is rumored to be investigating claims presented by Ronan Farrow in a New Yorker expose that CEO Les Moonves sexually harassed six women. CBS is assembling a committee to decide if the claims are valid, and if they’ll run future operations with more discipline and less Moonves.

MIT scientists are working with residents of Nantucket Island, Massachusetts, to curb rampant lyme disease by genetically engineering indigenous white-footed mice so they’re immune to lyme disease and can’t spread it from tick bites. The effort is slowed by wealthy residents’ not wanting to pay for it, since the mice don’t have health insurance.

Shares of Twitter stock fell 15% as the company announced it was purging fake accounts — and breaking the heart of your Mom, who thought she had five admirers following her from Kazakhstan.