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An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.

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Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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The CEOs of Google, Twitter & Facebook all testified before Congress about online misinformation Thursday – but only after members of Congress agreed to accept cookies.

A new study claims COVID-19 vaccines are safe for pregnant women. Now they just need to figure out how to get fetuses to wear masks in the womb.

New England Patriots offensive lineman Justin Herron is being hailed for his heroism stopping a 30-year-old man from assaulting a 71-year-old woman in a Phoenix park. Said Herron, “if there’s one thing I know, it’s holding”.

Dyson’s newest vacuum cleaners are equipped with lasers – creating confusing, mixed emotions in homes with cats.

A former Girl Scout troop leader in Ohio was charged with stealing $12,500 from cookie sales. She stole some money, then she stole S’more. (Story h/t to AJF!)

‘Justice League – the Snyder Cut’ had fewer opening-weekend streams than ‘Wonder Woman 1984’ on HBO Max, but had just as many nerds letting everyone know they thought it sucked.

The Philadelphia Zoo debuted its animatronic dinosaur exhibit. Kids have already punched the dinosaurs for refusing to eat pieces of soft pretzels they toss.

Elton John turned 74. His hair turned 10.

Expert tasters on Earth evaluated wine that was aged for a year on the International Space Station. They said it needed to age a few more years in the ISS toilet.

Researchers now believe COVID-19 can also be ‘swallowed’ in to the body if a person’s saliva is infected. They made this conclusion after testing multiple subjects who ate Taco Bell’s new Coronavirus Crunch Chalupa.

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Following a racially-charged argument between co-hosts Sharon Osbourne and Sheryl Underwood, ‘The Talk’ is on temporary hiatus, and will be replaced with ‘The Awkward Interracial Silence’.

Soleil Moon Frye, better known as ‘Punky Brewster’ revealed in her new documentary ‘Kid 90’ that she lost her virginity at age 18 to then-29-year-old Charlie Sheen. She described the encounter as ‘magical’, because she somehow didn’t contract herpes.

Facebook will pay news outlets to display their content in Australia. However, they’ve yet to agree to terms to pay Australian moms for gossip about who’s cheating on who.

Calls are growing for Donald Trump to urge his skeptical supporters to get a COVID-19 vaccine, since he’s been vaccinated. Calls are also growing for Trump to jump off a bridge, for the obvious good example that will set among his followers.

TIME Magazine features trans actor Elliot [formerly Ellen] Page on the cover. In a profile article, Elliot said he had his breasts removed, which has ‘transformed his life’ while ‘severely dropping his bench press’.

Tiger Woods signed a new deal with game publisher 2K to appear in their PGA Tour video game series. You’ll be able to play as Tiger, meaning you can drive into the rough and miss the entire season.

Trevor Lawrence, expected to be selected first overall in the NFL Draft, traveled to Las Vegas for a bachelor party ahead of his April wedding. There, he watched film of strippers before making his draft picks for the party.

Katrina Parrott, an African-American woman who invented diverse skin tones for emoji, is suing Apple for stealing her idea. She’s angry enough to have developed a new reddish-black tone.

For the first time, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences nominated two women to lose the Oscar to one of three men in the Best Director category.

Scientists used 3D sound mapping to unlock the secret of why hummingbirds hum. Long story short, all that flapping makes it hard to hold a note.

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Indianapolis Museum of Art President Charles Venable resigned, after writing an insensitive job description for a new Director to “maintain their traditional, core, white art audience”. Residents of Indianapolis responded “.. we have an art museum?”

Tim Tebow is retiring from professional baseball after playing five seasons in the minor leagues. He plans to start a family with his wife once they figure out where babies come from.

Disneyland reopened the former Rainforest Cafe, vacant since 2018, as a Star Wars store. It’s been open several days, and park police have already arrested several Sand People for stealing droids.

Amidst power outages and freezing temperatures in Texas, Senator Ted Cruz was blasted for traveling to Cancun, Mexic – giving Texas; other Senator, John Cornyn, the distraction he needed to drive to Ft. Lauderdale and judge a wet t-shirt contest.

Facing proposed laws requiring social media platforms to pay news sites, Facebook blocked Australians from posting news articles. So good luck finding those cute baby kangaroo photos.

Gwyneth Paltrow said she is recovering from COVID-19, and still has symptoms like ‘brain fog’ and fatigue. However, she’s hopeful the healing jade egg she sells on Goop for $300 to stick in your vagina will work as advertised.

Rush Limbaugh died Wednesday, on ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ Day. “You’re welcome” said God.

A newlywed couple in South Korea were shocked to learn the Grand Josun Hotel sauna’s mirrored wall let other guests see them naked from the outside. Guests who paid to look in the sauna were shocked there wasn’t a better-looking couple in it.

Fourteen people in a Philadelphia suburb were arrested for illegally distributing 31 guns. Cops call it illegal firearms trafficking, defendants called it the best ‘Secret Santa’ ever.

Demi Lovato said she suffered three strokes, a heart attack and vision loss following a drug overdose. She also said her music has surged in popularity among nursing home residents, since they have so much in common.

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Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx appeared on ‘Dr Phil’ to tell a ‘catfished’ woman that he really didn’t propose marriage to her. “Thank you Dr Phil, good..you’re the one who made me feel alright.” she said.

A new lawsuit claims Subway restaurants have no actual tuna in their tuna salad. The claim is supported by a whistleblower cat, hired by Subway to eat mice and lick counters clean.

Alabama’s coronavirus positivity rate is the highest in the nation. “Hooray!” said Alabamians who still don’t get what ‘positive’ means.

Post Cereals acknowledged there’s a nationwide shortage of Grape Nuts, coinciding with a nationwide shortage of dentist appointments to fix broken teeth.

A storm packing 80mph winds toppled 15 giant sequoia trees in Yosemite National Park. The park suffered over $200 million in damages, and a GoFundMe was established to benefit dozens of homeless squirrels.

Encrypted messaging app Signal added new mainstream chat features, in order to appeal to a wider audience of people seeking to overthrow their government.

A Louisiana cemetery refused to bury a black sheriff’s deputy because it sold plots in the 1950s promising “whites only”. The deputy may still be interred there, because dead bigots said they’d only be buried with blacks “over their dead body”.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg said they intend to “turn down the temperature” and downplay divisive political posts in News Feeds. “Alright, we’re back in business!” said kittens.

Hobby Lobby said it will discontinue 40% off coupons, responding to intense criticism from grandchildren getting crappy homemade birthday gifts instead of money.

Kraft is launching a pink-colored version of its macaroni & cheese for Valentine’s Day. For the next two weeks, poison control centers are being told to expect frantic calls from parents mistakenly thinking their toddlers are throwing up blood.

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McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy McNuggets, after the FDA found they kill the coronavirus on customer’s unwashed hands.

Most U.S. states have reported cases of the U.K. coronavirus variant. People with the virus feel terrible, except for 3 to 4pm when the virus breaks for tea.

Messaging platform Discord shut down the WallStreetBets server, where individual investors had rallied to counter hedge fund positions in GameStop stock. Since 98% of the group was already on an Incel [Involuntarily Celibate] group server, it wasn’t a big deal.

Spacewalking astronauts attempted to fix a European science platform outside the International Space Station. One European astronaut died when he lifted his facemask after stepping outside to smoke.

A new study claims reflected light from the full moon changes people’s sleep patterns without their realizing it. It also changes sleep patterns of people who do realize it as they run from werewolves.

Apple is reportedly testing a virtual reality headset, that you can wear to imagine being someone who has $1,200 to spend on an iPhone.

Facebook’s Independent Oversight Board met for the first time, overturning several decisions to remove posts, including some involving adult nudity. So, see for yourself if you think Stormy Daniels accurately described Donald Trump’s hog.

Students at Liberty High in Florida – where school resource officer Ethan Fournier was recorded body-slamming a female student – want Fournier fired. The Chemistry Club has also cancelled Fournier’s order for tear gas.

COVID-sniffing dogs checked arriving fans at a Miami Heat game for the first time. Things went smoothly, but the dogs were shocked that Snausages cost $9 each.

People stranded in a snowstorm in Oregon while returning from a COVID vaccine clinic used leftover vaccines to innoculate other stranded motorists. Oregon officials told impatient seniors not to drive their cars into snow drifts to speed things up.

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HBO will reboot ‘Sex and the City’, but without Kim Cattrall’s Samantha. It will be titled ‘A Lot Less Sex and the City’.

The New York Times reports there’s a nationwide sperm shortage, and women are turning to Facebook groups to find donors. Group moderators are having a tough time screening thousands of requests to join the groups from 16-year-olds.

Conservative free speech social media site Parler has been taken down. A temporary landing page directs Parler insurrectionists plotting violent overthrows of the U.S. Government to use Evite.

Melania Trump gave an official statement via Twitter today. She addressed the D.C. riots & COVID-19 while thanking supporters, and touted an offer for a $49.99 decoder ring to find the secret message from her husband in the statement.

Chicago Bears wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson was caught on a hot mic saying the f word during Nickelodeon’s airing of an NFL Wild Card playoff game. After the game, Patterson admitted to being a fan of You Can’t Do That On Television.

The New York State Bar Association is exploring disbarment of Rudy Giuliani for his role inciting insurrection on January 6th, and for causing irreparable harm to the public image of Just For Men.

Six inmates escaped the Merced County, California jail using a ‘homemade rope’. Prison officials promptly blocked HGTV from the inmate lounge and cancelled all arts & crafts classes.

Joe Biden nominated William Burns as Director of the CIA. “Excellent”, said Burns.

Samsung debuted a cleaning robot that doubles as a home monitoring device, so it’ll know when the coast is clear to steal your jewelry.

The FBI is asking for the public’s help identifying the man seen carrying a Confederate Flag through the Capitol Building, since no useful information was obtained in interviews with Bo, Luke, Daisy, Cooter and Roscoe P. Coltrane.