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Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

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Blac Chyna said her breast implant reduction surgery caused side effects – as opposed to when they were inserted, which mostly caused front effects.

Blake Shelton was dragged by fans for giving a prerecorded New Year’s Eve television performance that was promoted as “live”. In it, Shelton is heard asking the crowd if they’re ready for 2019.

Elon Musk said that X will turn a profit in 2024 – despite a large-company advertising boycott – because of ad revenue from small & medium businesses. He defines X advertisers as “small” or “medium” based on their follower count and cup size.

Actor Ian Ziering was attacked by a gang of bikers on Hollywood Boulevard after one of them allegedly struck his car. Ziering was uninjured, and said he feels lucky to have survived this, and multiple Sharknados.

16-year-old Luke Littler became the youngest competitor to reach the semifinals of the World Darts Championship. Littler attributes his success to his age and inability to get as drunk as the other semifinalists.

Spirit Airlines announced the Philadelphia Airport gate agent who placed an unaccompanied 6-year-old on the wrong flight to Florida no longer has that job – saying the gate agent has been promoted to pilot.

Cherelle Parker was sworn in as the new Mayor of Philadelphia, one day before her official inauguration, and two days before her first formal investigation for bribery & corruption.

As many of 187 names are expected to be revealed as persons linked with Jeffrey Epstein once court documents are unsealed this week. And that’s not including the 1,000-plus names on the Epstein Island waiting list.

Harvard President Claudine Gay faces new calls to resign, after six more allegations of plagiarism were made against her. Gay has yet to comment while she waits for a guy to finish the letter he’s writing explaining why she should keep her job.

Historians are claiming 16th Century philospher Nostradamus correctly predicted a deadly earthquake that struck western Japan on New Year’s Day. However, his results were mixed, as he incorrectly called for Alabama to upset Michigan in the College Football Playoff.

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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.

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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

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Rapper/actor Machine Gun Kelly is taking a social media break to mourn the death of his father, Pop Gun Kelly.

Ford announced the newly-updated Bronco, and promised to send one to suburban Philadelphia in case Bill Cosby breaks out of prison.

Jimmy John’s employees shared video of themselves making a noose out of bread dough and placing it around one of their necks. It’s the week’s second-most-disgusting sandwich shop video, next to one showing someone eating at Subway.

Disney announced a content development deal with Colin Kaepernick – followed by an announcement from Scrooge McDuck that he’s severing ties with the company.

9 NHL players tested positive for coronavirus – none of whom you’ve heard of.

Restaurant chain Big Boy announced they’re changing mascots to a female named Dolly. Dolly asked not to be referred to as Big Girl.

Cosmopolitan magazine is publishing stories of men walking out on dates. So far, the Number One reason is that “the sex was over’.

Harvard and Princeton universities announced plans for students to return to campus. They say if admitted students aren’t smart enough to avoid coronavirus, they should go to a different school.

Fox News said they ‘mistakenly’ cropped Donald Trump out of a photo of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell, adding they mistakenly photoshopped Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden into it.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said the United States is “looking at” banning TikTok and other social media apps – after his video lip-synching to BTS got zero likes.

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Russi Taylor, the voice of Minnie Mouse, passed away. “Now maybe I can watch a ballgame in peace” said Mickey Mouse.

Walmart and Nordstrom are opening stores that don’t sell anything. In the highly competitive brick-and-mortar retail space, they’re each trying to increase foot traffic from shoplifters.

81-year-old Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Trump is considering cutting it in half, to 75 years.

A massive brawl on a British cruise ship was caused by a passenger who arrived for dinner dressed as a clown – proving that even clowns will get their ass kicked if they take all of the crab legs from the buffet.

Lauren Sorrentino, wife of ‘Jersey Shore’ star and convicted felon Mike “The Situtation” Sorrentino, revealed that she got a nose job before their wedding a year ago. Since his incarceration, The Situtation has gotten several physical modifications of his own, but he’s not as happy with them.

The U.S. Coast Guard released video of a frantic boat crew dumping huge bags of cocaine during a Pacific Ocean chase earlier this year. The Coast Guard seized 2,300 pounds of cocaine from the vessel, and the coke that went overboard fueled the biggest Dolphin Rave in history.

A Mom at a Payless shoe store going-out-of-business sale bought all of its remaining inventory, 1,500 pairs of shoes in all. She planned to give them to the poor, but the poor people are holding out for something that looks a lot cooler.

Responding to accusations of cultural insensitivity, Kim Kardashian is changing the name of her Kimono line of shapewear. She hasn’t announced the new name, but her trademark attorney is researching how to say ‘fat ass’ in Japanese.

A guest at a Memphis area Hampton Inn was awakened by a snake draped across her arm. The hotel apologized and explained that it must have escaped from the free breakfast buffet.

Las Vegas is being hit with a wave of flying pallid-wing grasshoppers, with hundreds of thousands of the bugs swarming the city’s bright lights. Residents say this is the closest they’ve come to a biblical plague since the Britney Spears residency.

NBA free agent Jeremy Lin said that he’s hit “rock bottom” and feels that the league has given up on him. He added that, as a Chinese-American with a degree from Harvard, he doesn’t know what other opportunities there are for him outside of basketball.

 

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Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

  • Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.

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Facebook is in talks with banks to add your personal financial information to Messenger. “You Are Now Connected to the Hacker Who Will Drain Your Checking Account On Messenger” reads the notification that Facebook is preparing.

Bankruptcies among senior citizens have tripled since 1991 — explaining the Osmond Family Good Time Review playing to near-empty theaters in Branson, Missouri.

The long-horned tick, an invasive new species, is spreading in the U.S. The tick sucks up so much blood it can barely stand on its own. Experts say if you see one, grab it by its cane or walker and kill it.

Police were called after Kendall Jenner’s Doberman pinscher bit a young girl at an outdoor café. Jenner at first denied it, but was then showed the dog’s 500,000-follower Instagram account where it posted a picture biting the child’s hand with the caption “OMG I luv me sum bites on baby hands”.

The United States moved to restore economic sanctions against Iran that have been waived for the past two years. Among them, Iran will no longer be able to spend U.S. dollars, and their Amazon Prime privileges will be revoked, so they’ll have to settle for standard shipping.

Former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was spotted boarding Air Force One for President Trump’s trip to a campaign rally in Ohio. However, since Hicks was in Boarding Group 6, she had to gate-check her bag because the overhead bins were all full of Diet Coke and KFC.

Singer Carrie Underwood is catching heat for saying that, at age 35, she thinks she missed out on the chance to have a “big family” to join her husband and 3-year-old son. Meanwhile three different 40+ Duggar women gave birth to seven children in the time it took Underwood to finish her quote.

Apple, Spotify, YouTube & Facebook removed Alex Jones InfoWars content. Jones and his fans complained but the four platforms said it never happened, it was all a hoax.

A masked man entered the studio of Wisconsin radio station WORT FM and fired a gun at three disc jockeys working there. One dj was struck in the buttocks and was treated for minor injuries; the other two were uninjured. The shooter remains at large, still angry that they wouldn’t play ‘Mr. Roboto.’

According to a CNBC profile, fewer than 1% of applicants to be Delta Airlines flight attendants get the job, compared to 4.8% of Harvard applicants who are accepted. “What’s Harvard Airlines?” asked a new Delta flight attendant.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Rams and New Orleans Saints will be the first two teams to welcome men to their respective cheerleading squads this season. The men will be held to the same rules against fraternizing with the players — you know which ones.

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New website OMGYes uses videos to teach people how to give women sexual pleasure. In one video, users manipulate digitally-rendered female genitalia via touchscreen. If you do everything right, the video ends with a sigh, if not, you’re urged to take a break. OMGYes says that most men have learned a lot, though others have broken up with their iPad, and still others have caught viruses from licking the screen.

  • Founders of OMGYes say that it’s one of the stickiest sites on the Web.

Twitter is doubling the character limit to 280 per tweet for most users – presumably, so they can write out all those thoughts and prayers in their entirety.

A study in the Journal of the Endocrine Society concludes drinking just two cups of soda per week increases visceral fat that surrounds the organs; and that drinking Mountain Dew makes the fat dumber.

Social media is overrun with stories of new iPhone X owners dropping their phone and  shattering the glass. Unless you have a paid Applecare warranty, the fix costs $549. Apple defends the fee, saying it doesn’t just cover the glass repair, it feeds the child doing the work for six months.

Sportscaster Bob Costas told a panel at the University of Maryland that football “destroys people’s brains.” Costas made the remarks in response to being asked if he’d ever attended a Buffalo Bills game.

Australia’s Office of the eSafety Commissioner is joining with Facebook to test a program to eliminate revenge porn – that asks participants to send inappropriate images to themselves using Facebook Messenger. Users are asked only to send pictures of their nude body parts, without the customary G’day Mate! appended to it.

A Harvard orthopedist has concluded that ligament tears are followed by the onset of arthritis in greater than 50 percent of occurrences. His data followed a group of 15-year-olds who tore knee ligaments playing soccer, and then owned multiple cardigan sweaters and drank only tea at age 25.

Winona Ryder told People magazine that she was bullied in junior high for wearing boys’ clothes. The bully replied that he didn’t care she was wearing boys’ clothes, but that she’d stolen the clothes from him.

Randa, the oldest Indian rhinoceros in residence at the Los Angeles Zoo, died at age 48. The zoo recounted her incredible life, including a 2009 bout with cancer that forced the removal of her horn, and her courageous decision not to replace it with an implant.

A Florida woman was arrested for using a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon to assault the bouncer at a club she’d been forced to leave. The bouncer was uninjured, since the pack contained 12-ounce cans, not pounders. [H/T to E. Todd]

 

 

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Crayola is being criticized for naming its new crayon ‘Bluetiful’ – with some saying it sends a bad message because Bluetiful is neither a color or a word. “It’s both now, bitches!” said a foul-mouthed girl who really likes to color.

Verizon will stop offering cell phone service in some areas of rural Montana, angering businesses as well as cattle who enjoy talking to friends & family in far away pastures.

President Trump angered critics by retweeting a gif depicting him hitting a golf ball that drills Hillary Clinton, causing her to fall as she boards a jet. Trump then cheated by not taking a two-stroke penalty for losing his ball out of bounds.

Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary is leaving, said a White House source close enough to know that Mike Pence has actually had a press secretary all this time.

At a White House dinner to discuss DACA with President Trump, Democrat Nancy Pelosi reportedly rebutted interruptions by asking “Do the women get to talk around here?” — at which point Melania Trump silently shook her head side-to-side.

Pro-Trump “Mother Of All Rallies” in Washington, D.C. drew around 1,000 people instead of the million they’d targeted, making it the Absentee Mother Of All Rallies.

The Pewaukee, Wisconsin school district is requiring “dress-wearing” students planning to attend school dances to submit a photo of themselves wearing the dress. School officials will approve or reject the dress based on the school’s dress code, and gay male students will send feedback on how to look even more fabulous.

Serena Williams’ infant daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr already has her own Instagram account, and has already unfollowed Kendall Jenner.

September 16th is the most popular U.S. birth date, according to a Harvard professor, and according to women who got desperate around Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

U.S. home ownership rates are at their lowest level since the 1960s. New research says a big reason is that millennials value experiences over possessions; and an even bigger reason is that baby boomers favor screwing millennials over paying them fairly.

In Pisa, Italy, a robot conducted the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra during a concert by opera singer Andrea Bocelli. After the show, an attractive cellist broke off an affair she’d been having with the conductor by unplugging him.