By |

The FAA is considering weighing passengers before flights for safety, and to encourage frequent-flying dogs to get fit.

Lego unveiled their first LGBTQ set in advance of Pride Month. You can now choose bricks with bumps and no holes, or holes and no bumps.

Google Photos introduced “locked”, password-protected photo folders. It’s an extra layer of security for creeps who’d rather send a password to their vast portfolio of dick pics instead of just one.

A man was arrested for participating in the January 6th Capitol riots after bragging about it and showing a video of the mob while at the dentist’s office. The man wrongly assumed his secret was safe at Proud Boys Dentistry.

Kendall Jenner is being criticized for ads showing her with the agave farmers who help make her new 818 Tequila. It’s not that she’s exploiting their culture, it’s that she keeps asking if they’re the same guys who mow her lawn.

Demi Lovato announced they’re non-binary. Lovato felt compelled to make an announcement since the salad bowl haircut leaned more toward regular gay.

Philadelphia high-rise buildings are dimming skyline lights after thousands of birds died crashing into them. The light reduction is expected to work better than the last idea, Philly residents yelling “Go Birds!” to get them to fly higher.

Australian gold medal snowboarder Torah Bright posted a viral photo of her son breastfeeding while she did a topless handstand. She claims she wasn’t showing off, just using gravity since she couldn’t find her breast pump.

Larry Flynt Hustler Club in Las Vegas is giving free limo rides, private dances and bottle service to residents getting a COVID vaccine there. So enjoy a lap dance from a topless 60-year old nurse while you get your shot and drink free Mountain Dew.

Microsoft will discontinue Internet Explorer next year, just as Bill Gates explores the Internet as a single man for the first time in decades.

By |

Domestic homicide is up 138% this year in Philadelphia. Philly – where families that stay together, slay together.

Apple fired Antonio Garcia, author of ‘Chaos Monkeys‘, after 2,000 employees signed a petition protesting the sexist & racist views expressed in his book. He expressed disappointment, saying he’d just finished a follow-up, ‘Empowerment Monkeys‘.

Ohio announced a million-dollar-a-week lottery prize to encourage residents to get a COVID vaccine. The winners are unknown, but so far 200 losers have died of overdoses.

Amazon Studios is spending $465 million dollars for a single-season of its ‘Lord of the Rings’ tv series. Studio chief Jennifer Salke defended the spending, saying the dragons wouldn’t work for less than $2 million per show.

Grimes said she suffered a panic attack several days after appearing on Saturday Night Live, when she forgot how to spell X Æ A-12 at the pediatrician’s office.

Actress Gal Gadot posted a Tweet calling for peace between Israel and Palestine, but disabled comments after hundreds of angry replies, including “Shut up, Diana” – posted by arch-nemesis Cheetah.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage. It’s so bad, customers are encouraging employees to spit in it to stretch what they have.

American Airlines is returning meal service to domestic first-class flights over 1,500 miles. Spirit Airlines is returning its meal service, a single 6-foot party sub that gets passed around the cabin, with every passenger taking a bite if they want to.

University of South Carolina’s president resigned after plagiarizing his commencement speech, and congratulating graduates of the “University of California”. He then invited graduates to collect their diplomas, bong hits and jello shots.

NBC announced ‘This Is Us’ will end after season 6, leading husbands and boyfriends everywhere to delightedly shout ‘This Is Over’.

By |

Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

By |

New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.

By |

A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

By |

‘Entourage’ creator Doug Ellin accused HBO of “hiding” the show amidst a “wave of PC culture”. HBO execs dispute his claim, saying they’re hiding the show amidst “embarrassment”.

Louisiana GOP state representative Ray Garofalo said Louisiana schools need to teach “the good side of slavery.” The session was paused so confused Louisiana legislators could be told what “school” is.

Republican Orange County, California Supervisor Don Wagner asked the state’s health director if vaccines have tracking devices in them, drawing laughter. Wagner insisted he was just trying to debunk wild claims about tracking, and about a mutating virus that kills people.

Federal agents executed search warrants on Rudy Giuliani’s home & office. It’s unclear what items were taken, but agents spent the rest of the day washing black hair dye off their hands and clothing.

Joe Biden gave his first address to a joint session of Congress, opening his speech “with the first overall pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select..”.

India continues to break records for COVID-19 deaths, causing mass cremations of the deceased. The U.S. government has committed to provide much needed aid, sending vaccines, oxygen tanks, ventilators, and firewood.

Dr. Dre was ordered to pay $500,000 to estranged wife Nicole Young as part of their ongoing divorce. The payment may take a while, because, in accordance with hip-hop law, Dre must fly the bills out of his left palm with his right thumb.

After 17 years, newly-emerging BroodX cicadas were spotted in Quakertown, Pennsylvania…asking directions on how to get to New York or Philadelphia.

Fitbit is offering discounts on all their fitness trackers for Mothers Day. So go ahead, buy your wife or Mom a Fitbit and see how that goes.

VP Kamala Harris and Speaker Nancy Pelosi “elbow bumped” on the dais prior to Joe Biden’s address to Congress. They settled on the elbow bump after Harris tried, and failed, to get Pelosi to learn the 10-step secret handshake she created for the occasion.

By |

Protesters object to a planned wind turbine farm off the coast of Atlantic City. They say the turbines will harm ocean life; proponents claim that wind power will somehow create even more blow jobs for Atlantic City.

A sixth grader completed a science fair project called “Does your cat’s butthole really touch all the surfaces in your house?” by applying lipstick to two cats’ rectums and tracking them. The kid got an ‘A’, but his mom’s goodnight kiss with her date was a disappointment.

The City of Philadelphia lifted some restrictions on outdoor dining and other activities, giving gangs even more stuff to shoot at.

To battle diseases, Florida will release over 100,000 genetically-engineered non-biting male mosquitoes, so they’ll mate with biting females, with female offspring unable to survive. They’ll measure success by observing mosquito gender-reveal parties.

Meat processing brand Farmer John no longer makes Dodger Dogs, the official hot dog of the Los Angeles Dodgers. The team now sells ‘Traditional Dodger Dogs’, and every vendor and concession stand lost a Michelin star.

Boeing posted their sixth consecutive quarterly loss, telling angry shareholders that profits are dropping faster than a 737MAX.

Caitlyn Jenner’s sons are reportedly unhappy about her announced run for Governor of California. Jenner said she didn’t plan to run for Governor, but did so because her original plan to retire & get pregnant didn’t work out.

NASA’s Ingenuity helicopter snapped a photo of the Perseverance rover while it flew on Mars. Then Perseverance made it go back and take three more and pick a flattering filter.

Pfizer’s CEO says an antiviral pill to treat COVID-19 could be available by the end of the year. They just need to figure out how patients on ventilators can swallow it.

Kanye West told the New York Post’s Page Six that, after his divorce from Kim Kardashian, he wants his next relationship to be with “an artist and a creative person”. So, not just any stripper.

By |

A new art installation will allow people to walk atop Philadelphia’s Schuylkill River. The artist calls it ‘Walk On Piles Of Bodies In The Schuylkill River’.

Hooters is opening a new, fast-casual ‘spinoff’ restaurant focused on chicken wings. They’re calling it Dumpers.

A woman was charged with a felony for failing to return a ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ VHS tape rented in her name 22 years ago. That woman’s name is Melissa Joan Hart.

Researchers say a sedentary lifestyle is the #`1 cause of Type 2 diabetes, narrowly edging out Popeye’s.

Elon Musk said “a bunch of people will probably die” during SpaceX missions to Mars, a quote that’s being called “not the best joke to open your Saturday Night Live monologue”.

Anderson Cooper shared a photo of his one-year-old son, Wyatt, watching him host Jeopardy!. Cooper doesn’t know if his son is gay, but Wyatt had a tantrum at not seeing Aaron Rodgers.

Powerlifter Chad Penson won the 2021 U.S. Open, becoming the first 198-pound man to squat 881 pounds. He took his place in the gold medal spot atop the podium, while his genitals dragged on the floor below.

Democrats introduced new legislation to lower the qualifying age for Medicare from 65 to 50. Critics say doing so would harm the workforce because more people would retire earlier from their terrible jobs at McDonald’s and Walmart.

Yahoo! released its rankings of fast-food chicken sandwiches, in an article that shocked Americans who didn’t know Yahoo! still existed.

A 71-year-old driver suffered minor head injuries when a turtle crashed through her windshield on Interstate 95 in Port Orange, Florida. No injuries were reported to reptile daredevil Turtel Knurtel, who plans another attempt to jump I-95 later this year.

By |

Dollar General will give employees four hours’ pay to get a Covid-19 vaccine. Then they can use that money to buy four items in the store.

Philadelphia is experiencing a rise in stolen license plates for use by criminals on stolen cars. The dumber thieves are taking the Philadelphia Eagles plates.

The Showboat hotel in Atlantic City converted its entire casino into a gaming arcade, in the hope of attracting more families. In response, Atlantic City hookers working the arcade are offering family rates.

Fans in Los Angeles purchased a billboard asking Marvel Studios to bring Iron Man Tony Stark “back to life”. The billboard replaced one purchased to convince teen runaways to come “back to their families”.

A New York man was arrested after telling a woman he matched with on Bumble that he stormed the Capitol on January 6th. She cancelled their first date where he planned to take her to storm an ice cream parlor.

NASA’s Perseverance rover converted a small sample of Mars’ atmosphere into breathable oxygen. “What stinks?” asked Martians.

Women fully vaccinated against COVID-19 are selling “COVID antibody breast milk” online for $2 an ounce or more. If that’s too expensive, they’re selling “COVID antibody cow’s milk” that they spit in for $5 a gallon.

72 Iowa prison inmates received overdoses of COVID-19 vaccine. They pulled the bars off of their cells with their bare hands and remain at large.

Justin Bieber gave a solo acoustic concert at a California state prison. He was pleased with his performance, but disappointed in t-shirt sales.

A UPS driver is credited with rescuing a 4-year-old boy who became trapped under a 90-pound package. The driver is also credited with leaving the 90-pound package on top of a 4-year-old boy.

By |

Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh and husband of Queen Elizabeth, died at age 99. Prince Harry & Meghan Markle asked for privacy during this difficult time until they can schedule interviews about it.

Amazon warehouse workers in Bessemer, Alabama appear to have voted not to unionize. To celebrate, billionaire Jeff Bezos will give all the workers new pee bottles, and a pizza party where they’ll be served by the robots that will eventually fire them.

Facebook is testing labels on Pages created by people & organizations. So far, the labels include ‘fan page’, ‘satire page’, & ‘public official’ – but could expand to include ‘abandoned page’, ‘conspiracy kook page’ and ‘page Trump is using to dodge his ban’.

Apple is reportedly delaying some new product introductions because of a supply shortage – specifically, a shortage of teenagers to build them.

Singer Chris Brown’s Porsche was damaged in a chain-reaction collision of valet-parked cars outside of an L.A. club. Brown dismissed the accident, saying “I’ve got ten of these (cars)” before summoning an Uber driver he could punch in the face.

A billboard, ‘Matt Gaetz Wants To Date Your Child’, was put up in Florida – paid for by Matt Gaetz.

Khloe Kardashian, who attempted to get an unauthorized, unretouched bikini photo take off the Internet, posted her own unedited photo to Instagram. “Not bad” said her boyfriend Tristan Thompson, while in bed with some woman he hooked up with.

Gene Suellentrop, a Kansas GOP State Senator, reportedly called the arresting officer ‘donut boy’ when he was pulled over on suspicion of DUI. Suellentrop disputed the claim, saying he was just asking directions to the nearest location of Donut Boy.

Japanese doctors performed the first-ever lung transplant from living donors to a COVID-19 patient. All are in stable condition, but the donors need extra time to catch their breath.

An interstate highway outside Philadelphia was closed when a tractor-trailer crashed, spilling thousands of gallons of syrup. Philadelphia police assisted first responders, then sat on guardrails and ate their shoes.