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DCPA, a pesticide widely used by vegetable farmers, has been banned by the FDA because it poses serious damage to fetuses – especially Cabbage Patch Kids.

Boeing executives returned to Congress to answer questions about aircraft safety. Common answers to the safety questions included “no, they’re not”.

New Boeing CEO Kelly Ortberg spent his first day on the job walking the factory floor where the manufacturer’s controversial 737 Max jets are made. He spent extra time talking to workers who apply the staples and duct tape that hold aircraft doors in place.

Auntie Anne’s launched a new perfume, ‘knead’ that smells like pretzels. Women can wear it, but their boyfriends would still rather eat the pretzels.

Florida International University officially sold their stadium naming rights to Pitbull, and the facility will be known as Pitbull Stadium. It’s only the second known Pitbull Stadium for football players after Michael Vick’s was shut down.

Newly installed Hamas terror leader Yahya Sinwar is viewed as “less willing to compromise” than his predecessor. This leads to speculation that a cease fire with Israel may not happen, and that pizza won’t be allowed at Hamas lunch meetings.

‘Wardrobing’ retail fraud – wearing new clothing with tags on & hidden, then returning it – increases in the summer, and especially with beachwear. This, according to women wondering how their new bikini already has sand in the crotch.

Federal agents arrested leaders of a bicoastal U.S. drug ring, who smuggled cocaine and meth inside of large Bluetooth karaoke speakers. The drug ring’s official slogan was Don’t Stop Believin’.

The family of a crew member filed a wrongful death lawsuit against the owners of the doomed Titan ocean submersible craft that imploded last year, saying there were signs it was going to fail. Subpoenas were issued to sharks who attached bibs to their necks when they heard the fiberglass Titan craft begin to crack.

Taylor Swift cancelled shows in Vienna after reports of a planned terror attack. Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for the plot, according to leader Ayatollah Sheikh Atoff.

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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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Research finds 35% of tattoo inks are contaminated w bacteria. And nearly 75% are contaminated with bad ideas

The blue light emitted from using your smartphone at night could lead to a higher risk of Type 2 diabetes. Especially if you’re using the light to see the bucket of chicken you’re eating in the dark.

Auto dealer software CDK was restored after a nearly two-week ransomware attack. The hackers finally returned control of the software after the dealers finally agreed to purchase the extended warranty.

The price of Forever stamps increases to 73 cents on July 14th. For $1.73 you can get Forever After stamps to send snail mail to dead people.

37 Massachusetts beaches were closed due to harmful levels of bacteria in the water. Officials tested the water after noticing sharks vomiting up the hands and feet they’d bitten off of swimmers.

A Delta flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was diverted to New York’s JFK Airport because some of the in-flight meals had spoiled. They’d have kept going if it was just the Coach meals, but Business & First Class had spoiled too.

Extreme heat caused a “pavement heave” that backed up traffic for miles on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway. Meanwhile on the New Jersey Turnpike, a “rest stop heave” backed up counter service for a half hour at Roy Rogers.

Las Vegas set a new record temperature of 120 degrees, shattering the old record of 117 degrees. Several senior citizens bet the over but died walking to the casino to collect.

Middle schoolers were found to have created 20 fake TikTok accounts impersonating their teachers in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The students will not be punished, and the results of the Chester County Middle School Teacher Fart Contest have been nullified.

Paramount corporation will merge with Skydance, just as soon as they can figure out what to call Paramount+Skydance Plus Max Flix.

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A 98-year-old COVID-19 victim’s cadaver was dissected without his family’s permission, in a ticketed public autopsy for medical professionals held at the Portland Marriott. The family may sue, as will the people who mistakenly walked in looking for the wedding reception in the next ballroom.

Lawyers for the weapons handler on ‘Rust‘ – Alec Baldwin’s film project where a cinematographer was killed – allege possible sabotage by someone placing a live bullet in a prop handgun. They say this isn’t the only sabotage – someone tried casting Andy Dick in the movie.

Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers tested positive for COVID-19 and is reportedly unvaccinated. The bad news is he’ll miss this weekend’s game, the good news is State Farm ads have been quarantined for 14 days.

‘Diana: The Musical’, about the life of Princess Diana, previewed on Broadway to negative reviews, with some calling it “a train wreck that ends in a car wreck”.

Fat cells have been found to play a central role in cognitive decline, according to the new ‘Fat, Dumb & Happy’ study.

A 4-year-old Australian girl missing for two weeks was found alive and returned safely to her family. A 36-year-old man was arrested and charged with her abduction, and Aussie police released the dingo-of-interest they’d held for questioning.

India marked the celebration of Diwali amidst air pollution so bad, residents asked “Who turned out the Festival of Lights?”

Nintendo of America cut forecast sales of its popular Switch gaming console, citing a global microchip shortage, and the release of an unexpectedly long Naughty list by Santa Claus.

Following the Alec Baldwin ‘Rust‘ film set shooting, Dwayne The Rock Johnson said he won’t use real guns in his movies anymore. The Rock’s demand will cause massive rewrites, delaying the production of Disney’s ‘The Tooth Fairy 3’.

A new paper published in the environmental journal Nature claims large whales poop much more than scientists previously thought. The conclusion was reached by observing sharks, disgusted at whale behavior ruining their dinner parties.

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Space debris from a Chinese rocket will fall to Earth, but nobody knows where. Experts believe it will land in a body of water, because that’s typically where you find a Chinese junk.

An armed suspect took hostages at a Wells Fargo bank in Minnesota. He was arrested, but only after bank employees got his name and created three checking accounts he didn’t ask for.

56-year-old Paulina Porizkova’s full-frontal-nude Vogue magazine cover was unretouched. Although in many cases it has been smeared by older men purchasing their first-ever copy of Vogue.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli reportedly stayed at a luxury resort following their release from prison, according to the maid who had to clean the toilet where they made wine.

Of all the new retail stores opening in the U.S. this year, half will be dollar stores. If a $15 national minimum wage is passed, they’ll be dollar-fifty stores.

Google Photos’ free unlimited photo storage ends on June 1st. In response, Apple is reminding users that it will continue free unlimited photo deletion whenever you try to backup iCloud.

The Hollywood Reporter claims producers are workign on a Black Superman movie. The villain is unnamed, but everyone’s pretty certain it’ll be a white guy with dreadlocks. [story h/t to J.M.!]

Doctors at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia discovered a new disease that prevents the formation of antibodies in humans. It’s an antivaxx Mommy blog started by a patient’s mother.

Khloe Kardashian and Kris Jenner are building adjacent mansions outside of Los Angeles. This way, it’s easier for Khloe to cry on Kris’ shoulder when one of her boyfriends cheats on her.

A new study finds sharks use the earth’s magnetic field like a compass during long-distance migrations. However, when hungry, they prefer to ask other sharks for directions to the nearest swimmer they can eat.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.

In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.

Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.

In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.

A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.

Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.

A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.

 

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After closing for a month, Pennsylvania state liquor stores partially reopened for curbside pickup. Their top sellers are vodka, bourbon, and travel mugs for the drive home.

Burger chain Shake Shack returned $10 million it borrowed from a federal government program intended for small businesses, even though they said it was needed to buy extra beepers to cater White House state banquets.

IKEA shared the recipe for its famous meatballs, but people are disappointed they have to sit in a warming tray for two months in order to taste the same as they do at the store.

IKEA also is planning to reopen some of its European stores in May, which means you’ll be zipping through the checkout in June.

The WNBA New York Liberty selected Oregon’s Sabrina Ionescu first overall in Friday’s draft. Ionescu is expected to collect the biggest-ever payday for a WNBA rookie, just as soon as her $1,200 stimulus check arrives.

Google updated its Chrome browser with a new feature called Tab Groups, which lets you merge all of your open porn tabs into one.

Alicia Silverstone said her portrayal of Batgirl in ‘Batman and Robin’ was “not her favorite experience”, since she was body-shamed and called ‘Fatgirl’. She said the only experience worse than making the movie was having to watch it.

New technology in the upcoming Apple Watch 6 may use location data to prevent wearers from being attacked by sharks. It may also be able to alert sharks wearing Apple Watches to locations where swimmers aren’t wearing them.

The White House will use the Defense Production Act to increase the number of cotton swabs needed for coronavirus testing, but that it will take some time for the Q Tips to be rebranded as DT Tips.

The Disney Bedtime Hotline has reappeared so parents putting their kids to bed can hear a special message from their favorite Disney character. Although single male callers are disappointed that Disney Princesses will no longer tell them what they’re wearing.

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Mary Kay Letourneau’s husband, Vili Fulaau, has filed for a separation. Her lawyer is seeking to dismiss the petition because he’s grounded.

All-time women’s tennis record holder for Grand Slam titles Margaret Court criticized the sport, saying it’s “full of lesbians”. Said the Women’s Tennis Association: “yeah, so?”

At the time of his arrest for DUI, Tiger Woods stated that he was taking four prescription pain killers. Presumably, to treat his sex addiction. Officers said Woods was asleep in his car. He told police he was watching golf on his laptop.

Boston Childrens Hospital is doubling the number of therapy dogs. The dogs visit the rooms of sick children, once they’ve verified the kids’ health care coverage.

Kris Jenner was granted a restraining order against her alleged stalker – apparently, the only man in the world who doesn’t know she has five daughters.

A great white shark jumped in to a fisherman’s boat off the coast of Australia. The shark explained that he hadn’t eaten a surfer in weeks, grabbed a sandwich and swam off.

A couple who claimed to be trying to have sex for 17 years welcomed sextuplets. They credited the births to fertility drugs, and a switch to vaginal intercourse.