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In San Francisco, driverless robotaxi Waymo ended their trial period and now opened up service to everyone. Three homeless people with no means to pay have been sharing the same ride around town for a week.

The City of Wilmington, Delaware opened an ‘outdoor classroom’ in Cool Springs Park. A dozen squirrels and raccoons have already dropped out.

Queen sold its music catalog to Sony for $1.26 billion. The original amount was slightly higher, but Queen had to pay Sony several million dollars to take ‘Radio Gaga’.

Snapchat introduced new safety features to protect teen users. Teens now need a parent’s permission to send a picture of their breasts or penis to some guy they just met.

Totally Cool ice cream company is recalling over 60 brands of ice cream for possible listeria contamination. The brands include Friendly’s, and eating the ice cream could result in a Jim Dandy case of nausea and diarrhea.

The Supreme Court ruled that the White House and FBI can instruct social media companies to remove disinformation. This means Facebook, X, Instagram and others could be responsible for removing deepfake videos, election falsehoods, and every layer of filters on Kardashian/Jenner photos.

Viral home security video shows an Illinois man chasing off an intruder by swinging a frying pan until police arrived and asked if the man could put down the frying pan and make them breakfast.

71-year-old Marissa Tiejo is the oldest contestant to compete for the title of Miss Texas. For the talent competition, she drank a 16-ounce bottle of water and remained on stage for a full 30 minutes.

72-year-old Bill Belichick and his 23-year-old girlfriend Jordan Hudson have reportedly been living together for months. Hudson reportedly moved in after Belichick opened up his bedroom for Mandatory Off-Season Workouts.

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Hunter Greene vomited on the mound during a pitching appearance. The contents of his stomach were clocked at 94 mph.

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OnlyFans is banning porn, and changing its name to FewerFans.

Britney Spears’ housekeeper alleges Britney took her phone and struck her in a dispute over the care of a dog. Britney disputes the claim, but the dog has been assigned a conservator.

Mike Richards announced he will not be the permanent host of Jeopardy! amidst scrutiny of his past behavior. Richards will continue as Executive Producer, and attempt to find a full-time female host with a decent rack.

As cases in the state surge, a Jacksonville, Florida library was converted to a COVID-19 treatment site. The head librarian said it was nice & quiet in there for a change.

A family of three and their dog were all found dead on a remote hiking trail in the Sierra National Forest near Yosemite. Officials are mystified as to cause of death, but took the opportunity to remind other families how much hiking sucks.

Malaysia has its third Prime Minister in 3 years. Malaysia is one of the few countries in the civilized world that selects its leader via a talent show.

An ad agency created a campaign using Tinder and Snapchat to encourage Gen-Z and millenials to get COVID-19 vaccines – and, just maybe, a no-strings hookup with a nurse.

South Korea’s Ministry of Culture declared the official Chinese name of kimchi – spicy, fermented vegetables – be changed to ‘xingi’, from ‘pao cai’. It provided sample sentences like “No xingi for me, because it smells like ass”.

Beyonce’s father, Mathew Knowles, shut down rumors of a Destiny’s Child reunion, saying his daughter can’t remember who the other two are any more.

A Goodwill thrift in Connectucut sold a sealed, unopened copy of 1986 Nintendo videogame ‘The Legend of Zelda’ for $411,000. The donor was thrilled to help, but disappointed that the used Wii console she donated only got twenty bucks.

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Pennsylvania’s Dorney Park amusement park is the site of a mass vaccination clinic. They may leave it up through the summer to treat water park visitors for hepatitis.

Law & Order SVU producers say they’re hiring as many unemployed Broadway theater employees as they can – but with a preference for sex creeps.

The same researcher who claimed the ability to predict sexual orientation by facial scan now claims it can also predict political party. Some are outraged, others think it could be useful helping gay Republicans find each other.

The New York Times reports some jobless women are selling nudes on Only Fans to make ends meet, but are disappointed with low sales. “Maybe if you weren’t 80” said a choosy customer.

Donald Trump was impeached for a second time, as history repeached itself.

Snapchat permanently banned Donald Trump, citing the potential to incite violence, and, of course, the thousands of dick pics.

Siegfried Fischbacher of Siegfried & Roy died in Las Vegas at age 81. This follows the death of partner Roy Horn in May. Their famous white tigers are planning to retire from magic and start a singing act.

Joe Biden reportedly has to turn to Plan B because none of his cabinet picks will be confirmed before his inauguration. Fortunately Donald Trump had plenty of Plan B left in his medicine cabinet.

Former Michigan Governor Rick Snyder is facing neglect charges for failure to address the Flint, Michigan water crisis while in office. His attorneys claim the charges don’t hold undrinkable water.

Joe & Jill Biden announced they’ll adopt a cat once they’re in the White House. This, after the prior tenant preferred to get his pussy outside of it.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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Porn actress Jenna Jameson shared three photos of her buttocks on Instagram, to display the progress of her appearance over the course of an eight-month, 80-pound weight loss. “Oh, NOW I recognize you!” said 50 different male porn stars when they saw the third picture.

A GoFundMe campaign seeks to raise a billion dollars to help fund the controversial wall along the U.S./Mexico border, and has already raised $3.3 million dollars. It was started by The Trump Foundation.

Customer service agents at DNA testing services like Ancestry and 23andMe are reporting fielding panic calls from customers getting results that reveal they’re adopted, or that children aren’t really theirs. They say the hard part is telling callers that speaking to a supervisor won’t change that their wife had an affair.

Kim, Khloe & Kourtney Kardashian and sister Kylie Jenner all said they’ll no longer update their personal apps and websites — abandoning fans who will only be able to see & read about them on their tv show..gossip sites..other tv shows.. Facebook.. Instagram.. Snapchat..TikTok…

Anheuser-Busch is investing $50 million toward development of cannabis-infused beverages. So around July 4th, when they put America on Budweiser cans, it will read Stoned America instead.

Following Alfonso Ribeiro’s lawsuit against Epic Games ‘Fortnite’ for stealing his Carlton Dance, ‘Backpack Kid’, inventor of the Floss, is also suing Epic for stealing his dance. Lawyers for Chubby Checker are ready just in case Fortnite characters do The Twist while standing in front of a walker.

Walgreens announced a plan designed to save the company more than $1 billion annually. It pretty much boils down to firing everyone who’s been stealing oxycontin.

The U.S. Justice Department accused China of systemic hacking into the systems of American tech & industry giants. Comcast said that the Chinese had stolen their Customer Satisfaction Playbook – but the Justice Department said they’re more worried about useful information that was stolen.

In the U.K., a dying man enamored of his two-year-old neighbor girl bought her 19 years of Xmas presents and had them delivered to her parents before he passed away.  The parents cried, then promptly opened the Year 19 gift and got wasted on it.

Saudi Arabia announced the creation of three new government bodies aimed at improving their intelligence operations after the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi at the Saudi consulate in Istanbul. The three bodies are: strategy & development; legal affairs; and a new & improved secret murder department.

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AT&T claims that it’s made a world’s-first 5G connection, which it used to tell recipients their rates are going up on account of their awesome 5G connection.

Cesar Sayoc, suspect in a plot to mail pipe bombs to critics of President Trump, is a former collegiate soccer player, body builder and male dancer.  Pipe Bomber was also his stripper name.

A Sun Country Airlines pilot was arrested and accused of bringing a gun to his flight from a Florida airport. The pilot made no commentary, but his attorney said that you’d understand if you saw the people who fly on Sun Country Airlines.

Humanetics, a designer & maker of automobile crash test dummies, said that they’re making larger dummies because Americans are getting bigger. They’re also trying to make the dummies more accurate by teaching them how to text.

  • Humanetics is the second-largest maker of fat motionless dummies, trailing only Fox News.

E! Network plastic-surgery-correction show ‘Botched’ returns for a fifth season. The newest episode features Pixee Fox, a woman who says she’s had 200 surgeries, including designing some of her own, such as transplanting pubic hair to her eyebrows, and the surgical removal of crab lice from her eyebrows.

American Airlines passenger & fashion designer Anna Knight claims her checked bag was returned with all of her belongings stolen and replaced with ‘airport equipment’. And by ‘airport equipment’ she meant stuff that baggage handlers stole from other luggage that they didn’t want.

The Simpsons is reportedly dropping the Apu character altogether, disappointing those who were hoping he’d .. come again!

NBC News announced that Megyn Kelly Today will not return in the 9a.m. time slot, and that Kelly’s spot will be taken by other Today anchors. Insiders say that Kelly would like to return to her old job at Fox News, but Fox execs say they’re happy with the team of racists that already work there.

In an effort to win back users, Snapchat will debut a longform sci-fi thriller story told in a series of texts. The thriller is called ‘Dark Matter’ and is said to focus on faceless images of big black body parts that disappear.

Hershey introduced ‘Hot Cocoa Kisses’, its first holiday-only Hershey Kisses flavor in ten years. Hershey said they’re excited to ring in the season with a new way to drive winter weight gain and type 2 diabetes.

McRib is back for a limited time at McDonald’s restaurants, according to a new Surgeon General’s warning.

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The search continues for the person or persons sending explosive packages to Democrats and critics of President Trump. The word ‘Florida’ is misspelled in the return address, narrowing the list of suspects to all current & former Florida public school students.

  • UPDATE: A Florida man has been identified as the suspect and is being detained by police in a local sinkhole.

Paul Dorr, director of a pro-life, pro-family group in Iowa, publicly shared a video burning four library books with pro-LGBTQ messages. Dorr may face legal action, but in the meantime has been banned from story hour.

A 68-year-old New Jersey man was arrested for a 10-month spree dropping piles of dirty diapers at intersections in Franklin Township.  The slippery diapers were blamed for at least one motorcycle accident, and ruining the shoes of the marching band in the July 4th parade.

NBC News anchor and Today Show host Megyn Kelly is rumored to be negotiating her exit from the network, disappointing white suburban moms hoping for last-minute tips dressing their kids as Beyonce or Jay-Z for Halloween.

A Florida prison guard and his wife were arrested for accepting bribes in exchange for smuggling McDonald’s food, chicken wings and a cell phone to an inmate. The two were arrested after the inmate downloaded Uber Eats and attempted to have 10 Big Mac value meals delivered to his cell.

The NFL fired down judge Hugo Cruz for missing a false start call that led to a Los Angeles Chargers touchdown in a game he was officiating. The NFL Referees Association said they’ve filed a grievance on a yellow handkerchief tossed into Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office.

A New York Times article addresses the departures of two top Google executives — Andy Rubin & Amit Singhal — each of whom were paid millions after acts of sexual misconduct. Google is concerned that other executives are asking ‘who do I need to sexually abuse to get an eight-figure severance around here?’

McLaren showed off a 1,035-horsepower, three-seat hybrid supercar costing over $2 million. McLaren said the low emission hybrid drivetrain is meant to save trees while you drive the overpowering car into them.

Snapchat is losing users in the wake of a redesign and competition from Instagram. Snapchat announced daily active users dropped 1%, to 186 million — but investors were more concerned that power users posted 5% fewer pics of their breasts and penises.

Ayal Lanternari has a hit new product – Nanobebe, a baby bottle that spreads milk into a thin layer so that it can be microwaved without hot spots or nutrient damage. The bottle is also shaped like a breast, making it extremely popular with nursing children and grownup creeps.

 

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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.