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A family of wild bobcats is living on a woman’s front porch in the Arizona suburbs. Wildlife officials warned the woman not to feed them. She doesn’t, but is concerned that they’ve already been getting Amazon and Doordash deliveries.

Conservative Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas said federal laws against marijuana may no longer be necessary. In other news, fellow Justice Stephen Breyer just gave Clarence Thomas his first marijuana gummy bear.

Downtown Philadelphia now has multiple marijuana dispensaries and just one fast-food burger restaurant. Uber drivers are getting rich driving high customers from one to the other.

The New York Yankees made 70-year-old Gwen Goldman a batgirl for Monday’s game, 60 years after they turned her down because she was a girl, and because she refused to go drinking with Mickey Mantle.

Dion Cini, who unfurled ‘Trump Won’ banners at several Major League Baseball stadiums, has been banned from all MLB games & facilities. He’ll now unfurl the banners in the minors in hope of working his way back up to the big leagues.

Ireland is limiting ‘indoor hospitality’ to vaccinated citizens only, due to fear that the Delta variant of COVID-19 could be spread during drunken bar brawls.

Philadelphia 76ers play-by-play announcer Marc Zumoff announced his retirement. Zumoff was lauded by the team for his consummate professionalism during his 27-year run, capped off by his ability to not curse at Ben Simmons in the 2021 Playoffs.

The man who jumped out of a taxiing American Airlines jet at LAX said he “smoked a lot of meth” before boarding. He did so after realizing he wasn’t flying Spirit Airlines so he couldn’t buy and smoke it in-flight.

Citizens are concerned that President Kim Jong Un has lost as much as 50 pounds. They’re not sure if it’s caused by illness, or the all-new North Korean Noom.

The Algerian Coast Guard found 1,000 pounds of cocaine floating in the ocean, then celebrated the retirement of everyone in the Algerian Coast Guard.

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The U.S. is reportedly assessing a leak at a Chinese nuclear power plant. The good news is that radioactivity kills coronavirus. [Story h/t to J.L!]

American middle distance runner Shelby Houlihan was disqualified from Olympic trials for a positive steroid test. Houlihan claims the steroids are from a pork burrito she ate. In other news, the U.S. track team dietician was fired. [Story h/t to T.C.!]

A survey from finance website Wallethub ranked New Jersey as the Number One U.S. state to live in, based on wages, education and the 4th-lowest crime rate in the country. “4th lowest? Get to work!” said New Jersey mob bosses.

Convicted sex offender Harvey Weinstein held his head in his hands when learning of his extradition to California from New York to face five sexual assault charges, and when learning that he’ll have to fly coach on Spirit Airlines.

Mackenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, gave another $2.7 billion of her fortune to 286 organizations. Trump children went 0-for-5 on their applications.

Motley Crue frontman Vince Neil cancelled his next scheduled solo appearance after his voice gave out. His band said if he can’t get his voice in shape before their 2022 Stadium Tour, they’ll use recorded vocal tracks and tour as Motley Vanotley.

Two people were hospitalized for injuries riding a log flume at Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey. The log reportedly “tipped up on an angle”, but then behaved normally once park workers removed dead bodies from the water.

Royal Caribbean delayed its first cruise since shutting down for the pandemic, after eight crew members tested positive for COVID-19, and the buffet crab legs tested positive for being the same ones that were there when they docked the ship.

SpaceX is cleared to reuse its rockets for national security missions. And it was cleared to hold a scrap metal sale of the ones that exploded to raise money for rocket fuel.

Peloton users are being warned that they could be watched by hackers accessing their bicycle’s video screens. In response, the company has postponed the planned Topless Tour de Peloton.

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Governors of Florida & Texas are battling cruise lines over their vaccine rules, arguing that a COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t protect passengers against the hundreds of other gross viruses lurking on cruise ships.

The highly contagious Delta variant of COVID-19 is on the rise in the U.S. As is the Southwest, where you pick your own variant, and the Spirit, where you pay $49 for the virus.

Kristen Messner, wife of former Fleetwood Mac vocalist/guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, filed for divorce. She’s already auditioning new frontmen.

A 22-year-old Pennsylvania man is charged with wire fraud after impersonating Donald Trump’s brother and son to collect $25,000 in donations. Donald Trump is so impressed with the guy’s ability to get money from suckers that he may adopt him.

A McDonald’s customer is claiming the company’s test of voice & facial recognition technology when ordering violates privacy laws. That, and he’s insulted when he’s recognized and offered “so, the usual fifty McNuggets and three large fries?”

El Salvador is the first country to accept Bitcoin as legal tender, believing it will Be easier for drug dealers pay their federal income taxes.

Tomorrow, the Ring Of Fire solar eclipse will be partially visible in the United States. As the moon goes down and the sun gets higher. But use eye protection or your retinas will burn, burn, burn…from the Ring of Fire…the Ring of Fire.

A California man is considered “lucky to be alive” after being stuck for two days inside a barn fan at a Sonoma farm. Authorities were alerted by cows who called to complain about the smell.

France is sending the U.S. a “little sister” to the original Statue of Liberty. The bronze statue is 1/16th the size of the original, and will be used for toilet training hatchling pigeons and seagulls.

Sherwin Williams is raising paint prices 7%, citing pandemic-related shortages, due to more Americans buying paint just to watch it dry.

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Domestic homicide is up 138% this year in Philadelphia. Philly – where families that stay together, slay together.

Apple fired Antonio Garcia, author of ‘Chaos Monkeys‘, after 2,000 employees signed a petition protesting the sexist & racist views expressed in his book. He expressed disappointment, saying he’d just finished a follow-up, ‘Empowerment Monkeys‘.

Ohio announced a million-dollar-a-week lottery prize to encourage residents to get a COVID vaccine. The winners are unknown, but so far 200 losers have died of overdoses.

Amazon Studios is spending $465 million dollars for a single-season of its ‘Lord of the Rings’ tv series. Studio chief Jennifer Salke defended the spending, saying the dragons wouldn’t work for less than $2 million per show.

Grimes said she suffered a panic attack several days after appearing on Saturday Night Live, when she forgot how to spell X Æ A-12 at the pediatrician’s office.

Actress Gal Gadot posted a Tweet calling for peace between Israel and Palestine, but disabled comments after hundreds of angry replies, including “Shut up, Diana” – posted by arch-nemesis Cheetah.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage. It’s so bad, customers are encouraging employees to spit in it to stretch what they have.

American Airlines is returning meal service to domestic first-class flights over 1,500 miles. Spirit Airlines is returning its meal service, a single 6-foot party sub that gets passed around the cabin, with every passenger taking a bite if they want to.

University of South Carolina’s president resigned after plagiarizing his commencement speech, and congratulating graduates of the “University of California”. He then invited graduates to collect their diplomas, bong hits and jello shots.

NBC announced ‘This Is Us’ will end after season 6, leading husbands and boyfriends everywhere to delightedly shout ‘This Is Over’.

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Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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An Australian geologist posted video of his being attacked by an angry octopus. He was struck once in the neck, then sucker-punched seven more times.

Danielle ‘Bhad Bhabie’ Bregoli earned over $1 million in just five hours after opening an OnlyFans account, despite saying she “don’t have no big donkey booty”. Meanwhile rapper Big Donkey Booty grossed a paltry $35.

A Korean-American GOP candidate for Texas’ open congressional seat, Sery Kim, said she doesn’t want the U.S. to accept any Chinese immigrants. She’s expected to spend the next month explaining to Texans that there is a difference between China and Korea.

A baby boy in Iraq was born with triphallia, or three penises. His parents describe him as already being a great multitasker.

Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly took ecstasy, had sex with women in hotels, and paid them with money withdrawn from ATMs in the hotel lobbies. His Republican peers in Congress are condemning him for being dumb enough to pay the withdrawal fees at hotel lobby ATMs.

The CDC claims air travel is ‘low risk’ if travelers are fully vaccinated against COVID-19. However, they advise against buying Spirit Airlines $99 in-flight vaccine.

A man shopping at a New Mexico grocery store returned to his car and found 15,000 bees inside. He called 911 and a beekeeper arrived to remove them – but the dog and baby he left in the car were still kinda freaked out.

An MMA match was halted when one of the fighters lost his left ring finger during it. Worse, his girlfriend was planning to propose after he won.

A man golfing in Vancouver captured video of a bald eagle stalking and eating a seagull. The seagull’s life could have been spared, but it had already finished eating all the french fries.

The man arrested for swimming naked in Kendall Jenner’s pool was released, but then recaptured hours later attempting to enter Kylie Jenner’s house. He’s spent so much time creeping around Jenners & Kardashians that they’re calling him Scott Disick.

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Billie Eilish dyed her signature green & black hair blond, then forgot the words to all of her songs.

A new book, ‘Burn’, by Duke University’s Herman Pontzer, claims exercise won’t help you lose weight. He retitled the book ‘Burn’ after originally calling it ‘Planet Fitness’.

Powerful publicists for A-list movie stars told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – owners of the Golden Globes – to reform their ethics & diversity or lose access to top stars. HFPA responded by nominating Chuck Norris & Jean-Claude Van Damme for ten 2022 Golden Globes.

Russia is demanding an apology after President Joe Biden referred to Vladimir Putin as a “killer”. They say this is different than Donald Trump praising Putin’s killer abs.

‘She’s All That’ actress Rachael Lee Cook & husband Daniel Gillies finalized their divorce, with Cook keeping all accumulated frequent flyer miles. Cook’s acting work has slowed up so badly, the miles are all on Spirit Airlines.

The IRS delayed the 2020 tax filing deadline until May 17th, in order to lighten their workload from the extra month’s worth of coronavirus deaths.

Google announced a $7 billion investment in physical workspace, including its first-ever operations center in Mississippi. Thousands of unemployed Mississippians lined up to get one of the coveted jobs, in their words, “building Googles”.

The first Super Nintendo World theme park opened in Osaka, Japan – then promptly closed for several hours to search for children who disappeared after sliding down large green pipes.

Barack Obama released his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket, picking top seed Gonzaga to win it all. Donald Trump broke with tradition and finally shared his bracket, picking the Harlem Globetrotters.

Italians can be fined $60,000 for selling casu marzu – an illegal creamy cheese made from maggots infesting peccorino cheese. The Guinness Book of Records dubbed it “The World’s Most Dangerous Cheese” – stealing that title from Velveeta.

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At the PGA Tour’s Workday Championship, several players honored Tiger Woods by wearing his signature Sunday outfit of a red shirt & black pants – then hitting on female servers in the clubhouse, and crashing their hospitality cars.

A new study claims the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdowns are causing married couples to have less sex, coining the new phrase “not tonight, I’m on a ventilator”.

A 74-year-old Florida man drowned while looking for a lost golf ball – the state’s first Putt-Putt fatality of 2021.

A live YouTube chat about chess was mistakenly shut down for hate speech by artificial intelligence screening for words like “black”, “white” & “attack”. A human moderator restored it, telling all of the queens to have a good time.

Taylor Swift reacted angrily to a line in Netflix show ‘Ginny and Georgia’, where a woman says her daughter “Goes through men faster than Taylor Swift”. Swift called it “sexist horse sh*t”. “We liked it” said Jake Gyllenhall, John Mayer, Harry Styles, Tom Hiddleston & others.

A study claims the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine may be less effective in people with obesity. The study said they might want to try longer needles.

Physics researchers discovered the swirlon, a new state of active matter in motion. They found it while studying the matter around their heads when bullies shoved them in toilets.

Excavators unearthed a near-fully-intact bronze-and-tin chariot from the lost city of Pompeii. However, despite repeated attempts, they couldn’t get the horses to start.

A 24-year-old man was arrested for crashing through the gate of Kim Kardashian’s home because he wanted to see her. Cops then asked Kardashian to stand up and turn sideways so the guy could see her from a mile away.

Two women were removed from an American Airlines flight for using racial slurs and fighting with a male passenger. Their Texas-to-California flight was diverted to Phoenix, where they were arrested, then rebooked on a Spirit Airlines flight where they were two of the nicer passengers.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.