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A Texas man changed his name to Literally Anybody Else so that he could announce his candidacy for U.S. President. He has yet to choose a running mate, but is leaning toward Whatever Dude and Who T.F. Cares.

A new study finds young people get most of their calories from processed food. Seizing the opportunity, Oscar Mayer plans to expand the Lunchables line to Breakfastables, Dinnerables and Snackables.

Joe Biden tested positive for COVID. Democrats are recommending he quarantine until at least the middle of November.

Ford will spend billions to expand large pickup truck production in a plant it had originally had planned for electric cars. They’ll also expand production of Truck Nutz in a plant originally intended for EV Nutz.

Amazon Prime Day drove a record $14.2 billion in sales, an 11% increase over 2023. A slightly lower 10% increase was recorded in delivery driver heat strokes.

Costco is selling an “apocalypse bucket” with food that will last 25 years. The bucket contains 80 entrees & sides, 30 breakfast servings, 40 powdered drink servings, and an Uber Eats Apocalypse coupon for when it runs out.

Kris Jenner underwent a hysterectomy to remove an ovarian tumor. Her boyfriend Corey Gamble said the worst part of her recovery was “not hooking up for two weeks”. And the second-worst part was “losing camera time to the tumor”.

An account on gaming website Steam which was believed to belong to Donald Trump’s assassin was determined to be fake. However an account belonging to him was verified on Out Of Steam.

Tiger Woods arrived to compete in The Open Championship in Scotland – as host course Royal Troon opened up a four-day pop-up Perkins Pancake house for him to spend time with hostesses.

14-year-old Cavan Sullivan made his Major League Soccer debut in the 85th minute for the Philadelphia Union in their 5-1 victory over the New England Revolution. Gracious Philadelphia sports fans say they’ll wait at least until he’s 16 before telling him he sucks.

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For the first time, scientists observed a wild orangutan chewing a medicinal plant, then placing it on its own face to treat a wound. The orangutan tried the plant thing after figuring out that wiping his poop on the wound didn’t help.

The blue rock thrush – an extremely rare bird – was spotted in Oregon, the first-ever North American sighting. Meanwhile, bird watchers reported thousands of sightings of the classic rock thrush at an REO Speedwagon concert.

Tiger Woods accepted an exemption from the United States Golf Association and will participate in this year’s U.S. Open. It’s the first time he’s needed an exemption since 1996, before he banged his first restaurant hostess.

Peloton laid off 400 employees and the CEO is quitting. They’ve been offered severance, and an instructor to yell “come on! you can do it!” at them.

New Jersey parents filed a lawsuit after their 5-year-old daughter’s arm was stuck in an elevator door. After the lawsuit, they expect their bank balance to be Going Up!

With Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark joining the league and drawing a huge airport crowd at a game in Dallas, players are once again calling for private air travel instead of commercial. League owners are balking, asking WNBA players how many other people making $75,000 a year they know who fly on private jets.

Shares of Novo Norodisk, maker of weight loss drug Wegovy, dropped 7% after releasing first quarter results. The CEO had to remind everybody that declining numbers aren’t always a good thing.

A Pennsylvania man awaits sentencing from Turks & Caicos after mistakenly bringing live ammunition on a vacation there. While he hopes to avoid jail time, prosecutors assured him he’ll be housed in an all-inclusive resort.

A North Carolina couple said their 3-year-old daughter’s insistence that a ‘monster’ lived in her bedroom wall led to the discovery of 50,000 bees. “See, there’s no monster, now go to sleep” said the parents.

South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem falsely claims in a new book she met North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un while serving in Congress, ‘staring him down’. She is now backtracking saying she stared down the delivery driver for Jong Kim Un’s korean barbecue when they delivered the wrong order.

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Leaked information reveals creators of popular children’s cartoon Bluey – about a family of Australian dogs – will not produce new episodes, and the show has crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Tinder announced a new feature ‘Share My Date’ – which lets users give details about their dating plans to friends & family for safety. Although they advise just sharing names & locations, and not what you’re planning to do the first night you meet someone.

A British man ran a mile in a swimming pool in 35 minutes, 24 seconds, establishing an unoffiicial world record. He was then kicked off the high school swim team for delaying the meet by 35 minutes, 24 seconds.

Federal officials announced plans to update nutrition standards for public school meals — as school lunch ladies frantically try to use up their salisbury steaks before the government outlaws them.

Harvey Weinstein’s sexual assault conviction in New York was overturned by the state’s Supreme Court. Weinstein is now a free man for the duration of the flight to California, where his conviction there will allow him to die in a west coast prison.

Tiger Woods’ 15-year-old son Charlie will attempt to qualify for the U.S. Open. He’ll also try to follow in his father’s footsteps by qualifying for a tryst with a Perkins Pancake House hostess.

The makers of Scrabble introduced Scrabble Together – a new version of the game intended to reduce conflict and make gameplay more inclusive. Players can now arrange any letters they want on the board and declare that it identifies as a word.

Actress Rebel Wilson’s book ‘Rebel Rising’ was released, but UK versions redact abuse claims about actor Sacha Baron Cohen because they were allegedly proven false. Printing untruths is a crime in the UK, which is why it’s hard to find any of Donald Trump’s books there.

A Florida golden retriever gave birth to Shamrock, a puppy with lime green fur. The mother dog denies having an affair with a monitor lizard.

Jon Bon Jovi admits he “hasn’t been a saint” throughout his 34-year marriage to wife Dorothea – referencing affairs, and making her watch his acting auditions.

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Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.

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Volkswagen is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its cars. Now a Volkswagen can earn a Bachelor’s degree from Arizona State.

Tiger Woods & sponsor Nike are splitting up after 27 years. Nike allegedly found sexts from Adidas on his phone and struck his car with a five-iron.

Electronics manufacturer LG unveiled the world’s largest 77-inch transparent TV, which you can see through when it’s turned off. LG says it makes rooms look bigger, and allows ordinary people with priceless paintings to mount them behind the TV.

The Perkiomen Valley school board in suburban Philadelphia approved a dog for one of the district’s middle schools. The dog will provide students with emotional support and can also eat homework.

Apple debuted its Vision Pro “mixed reality” headset, which ships in early February and costs $3,499. They recommend married couples buy two, so each person can visualize someone else in the bedroom on date nights.

Gabriel Attal, 34, became France’s youngest and first openly gay Prime Minister, and the country’s fourth gay Prime Minister.

Google is working with states so users can add drivers licenses to Google Wallet. Google doesn’t expect to add Mississippi anytime soon since officials there keep telling Google they don’t know how to print their cell phone screen.

Pope Francis called for a ban on surrogacy, saying it’s “exploitation”. Kim Kardashian, who has two kids via surrogate, disagreed, saying it’s both “a bargain, especially if you buy two” and “the best way to have kids without having sex with Kanye”.

United Airlines & Alaska Airlines found loose bolts when inspecting their grounded fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines also inspected their full aircraft fleet and reported no loosening of duct tape or Flex Seal super glue.

Alex Crow, 30, an Alabama priest who fled to Italy to marry an 18-year-old female Catholic school student he’d “groomed”, will be removed as a priest by Pope Francis. But Francis still said he’d buy them something from their registry at Crate & Barrel.

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Bradley Cooper attended his 30th high school reunion in suburban Philadelphia – but was still unable to convince anyone there to watch Maestro.

Amazon reported record-breaking orders over the Black Friday holiday weekend, with workers filling over 400 million bottles of urine.

Tiger Woods announced he’ll return to play at the Hero World Challenge in the Bahamas. Tiger said his putting and iron shots are good, but that his driving still occasionally puts him in a ditch with a shattered ankle.

The NHL Chicago Blackhawks terminated the contract of forward Corey Perry, and attempted to squash rumors that he’d had sex with the mother of 18-year-old teammate Conor Bedard. For the record, Bedard’s mom said she’s only interested in Chicago Bulls.

After working Thanksgiving and Sunday games, CBS Sports will give Tony Romo & Jim Nantz a break in NFL Week 13. NBC Sports announced that, despite an online petition with 75 million signatures, Cris Collinsworth will still call the Sunday night game.

Melania Trump attended Rosalynn Carter’s funeral, and was the only former White House resident in attendance not wearing black. She explained her husband told her she was attending a runway show during Plains, Georgia Fall Fashion Week.

Kansas announced a redesign of their 2024 license plate after complaints from residents who say the word KANSAS is too big and makes them vulnerable to insults from other motorists.

High winds toppled the National Christmas Tree at the White House – continuing the trend of the last two Presidents who also couldn’t stay erect.

Kylie Jenner flew to London to attend boyfriend Timothee Chalamet’s ‘Wonka‘ movie premiere – where she joined Chalamet at the after-party while he affectionately caressed her WonkaDonk.

An underaged girl – alleged to have had an inappropriate relationship with Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey – and her family are not cooperating with the NBA’s investigation. The family is requesting privacy while the girl waits in line to see Santa.

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Ruben Flowers, Jr., a retiring 31-year veteran Southwest Airlines pilot, took to the cockpit one final time. Only he was paired with his 29-year-old son, Ruben Flowers III, as co-pilot for the first time. Southwest Airlines then cancelled the flight.

Usher will perform at the next Super Bowl Halftime Show. Other Ushers will perform for $14/hour.

A Russian admiral believed to have been killed in a Ukrainian assault on the Black Sea was put on camera on Russian TV to prove he survived. He’ll star in a new Russian made-for-tv movie, ‘Weekend At Sokolov’s’.

Joe Biden traveled to Michigan to walk the picket line with striking workers in a show of union solidarity. “Let’s get you guys back to Hollywood writing movies!” he said to the GM employees.

ArtificiaI intelligence ‘girlfriends’ are growing in popularity, as awkward & isolated young men seek companionship. Although health experts warn of serious depression as AI girlfriends become smarter and dump the guys that downloaded them.

Rite Aid plans to close hundreds of stores as part of a plan to emerge from bankruptcy. Although Rite Aid loyalty program customers were notified that clearance pricing on opioids is not part of the plan.

USA Pickleball, the sport’s governing body, is working on “quiet” initiatives to address complaints from people living near courts, who say the sport generates too much noise from the paddles hitting the ball, and ambulances arriving to treat elderly players.

Charlie Woods won a junior golf tournament in Florida with dad Tiger Woods caddying. The elder Woods then celebrated by treating 14-year-old Charlie to his first-ever restaurant hostess.

Tickets from Ford’s Theater on the night of Abraham Lincoln’s assassination sold at auction for $262,500 – $375,000 including Ticketmaster fees.

SAG-AFTRA authorized a strike against actors providing their likeness and voices in video games. They’re demanding higher wages & benefits for getting repeatedly killed and saying ‘Game Over’.

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Astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Tyson says a giant asteroid could hit Earth in 2182. He also advises waiting a couple of days before running to the grocery store to buy bread, milk & eggs.

Howard Stern says he’s no longer friends with comic/host Bill Maher – so that’s officially everybody who can’t stand Bill Maher.

Amazon Prime Video will now charge an extra $2.99/month for ad-free viewing of movies and tv shows. Or, you can save the three bucks and learn everything there is to know about diabetes drugs you don’t need.

Outgoing Philadelphia City Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw posted a farewell message to the city before taking a new job with New York’s Port Authority. Keeping with Philly tradition, the f-word appears 15 times.

Philly cheesesteak shop Pat’s King of Steaks faces its second wrongful death lawsuit over a lethal brawl that occurred there in 2021. This, on top of the dozen-or-so wrongful stomach illness lawsuits they rack up in any given month.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank, declines for loan applications reached 22% in June, the highest in years. Lending is so tight, banks are sending out letters telling customers they’ve already been rejected for a new credit card.

A 67-year-old unemployed New York doorman has been standing outside of Tiffany’s since June wearing a sign looking for work, saying he’s been living off of Twinkies. He hasn’t gotten a job, but school kids will trade him some of their lunches for the Twinkies.

6 male students at Santo Amoro University in Brazil were suspended after dropping their pants and doing a “masturbation celebration’ on-court after watching the women’s volleyball team win their match. The university announced total attendance for the game at 6.

Olympic skier Lindsay Vonn shared Instagram photos showing that she was stung by a jellyfish just below her buttocks while surfing, adding that the damage was just below where ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods had injured her a few years ago.

Morgan Osman, a model who said she’s ‘Instagram famous’ while being kicked off an American Airlines flight, received an offer to do a one-hour porn camshow. She has yet to respond to the offer to do so aboard Spirit Airlines.

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Tupperware may go out of business. Executives warn that if they can’t acquire additional funding, the Tupperware party is over.

Three persons were injured when a bounce house went airborne at a New Jersey Passover carnival. Dozens of others watched the house Passover their heads.

Cardi B commented on viral video of the Dalai Lama asking a boy to suck his tongue, saying the world is full of predators, and no one should suck another person’s tongue unless it’s in the Champagne Room of a strip club in exchange for a substantial tip.

A woman in Brazil gave birth in her apartment building’s elevator while standing up. “Hey, could you hit 3?” said a guy standing behind her.

A woman was shot to death while waiting in a Dunkin’ drive-thru in a Philadelphia suburb. Detectives initially investigated it as another coffee-related fatality.

Golfer Jason Day claims Tiger Woods withdrew from The Masters after a screw went through his skin. This marks the first time Woods let a screw keep him from playing golf.

The WNBA Draft took place Monday night, as dozens of women athletes realized their dream of being able to afford leasing a Kia Soul.

Jeremy Renner said his eye popped out when he was run over by a snowplow, adding fans should keep their eye out for his new Disney+ show Rennervations.

A downtown San Francisco Whole Foods closed one year after opening due to rampant crime creating worker safety issues. Local homeless shoplifters are left wondering where else they can steal a pocket full of groceries valued at $200.

A new study from the Kaiser Family Foundation claims 1-in-5 U.S. adults has had a family member killed by a gun. The National Rifle Association disputed the findings, saying 1-in-5 seemed low.