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American Airlines announced a round trip flight from Philadelphia to Brazil for the Eagles season opener. Brazil Customs is training agents to deal with a plane load of drunks replying “E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!..” when asked if they have anything to declare.

The Today Show profiled 110-year-old Vincent Dransfield of Little Falls, New Jersey, who lives on his own and drives his Hyundai sedan every day. A special summit between New Jersey home invaders and carjackers was held to see who gets first dibs.

Gene Simmons of KISS mentored competitors on American Idol. Female singers requested restraining orders and male singers said they didn’t have the $1,000 he demanded for a 10-minute conversation.

Cher & Mary J. Blige were among the new inductees to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. In other news Judas Priest was among the inductees to the Childrens Music Hall of Fame.

Donald Trump’s hush money case began in New York with opening arguments – starting with Trump in the hallway outside the courtroom arguing with nobody.

Younger voters claim American democracy is failing – not because of partisan politics or aging presidential candidates, but they’re worried they could lose TikTok.

Divorcing Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and soon-to-be-ex Theresa Nist have a prenuptial agreement, and highly recommend it to others. They also recommend that it be prepared in 30-point typeface.

LPGA golfer Nelly Korda won the Chevron Championship, her fifth consecutive tournament win, bringing her total winnings to over $2.4 million this season, and bringing her text messages from WNBA players offering to be her caddy.

A school in Australia set off 2,013 confetti cannons at the same time to set a world record. The school janitor then announced he quit.

A British sheep farmer said he uses Axe Body Spray on his male sheep to mask hormones that keep them from fighting each other. The bad news is female sheep won’t breed with them because of the smell.

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The purchaser of Harvey Weinstein’s Connecticut mansion had it torn down – surprising several 23-year-old actresses who arrived there for screen tests they’d scheduled in 2020.

A food fight erupted in the stands at the Philadelphia Phillies home loss on Tuesday at “Dollar Dog Night”. It started when several hundred Bud Light drinkers announced they were changing their pronouns.

A Missouri state lawmaker defended a state statute allowing 12-year-olds to get married, saying he’d met friends in college who married at age 12, and were doing a great job as sophomores raising their 3 kids.

HBO Max will merge with Discovery+ to become ‘Max’. This follows HBO Go and HBO Now merging to become HBO Max. HBO streaming services now have as many, or more, mergers and names as your slutty stepmom.

‘Harry Potter’ is being made into a TV series. Family members of Harry Potter superfans are asking for the magic spell to keep from having to watch it.

A 1-year-old dog trekked across 150 miles of Alaska’s Bering Sea ice to find his family after being lost. The dog thanked the six native Alaskan children who pulled his sled.

‘Peaches‘ – a ballad sung by Bowser to describe his love for the Princess in The Super Mario Bros Movie – is being touted for an Oscar for Best Original Song. There is no such praise for Mario’s song ‘It’s A Me, Let’s Have A Sex‘.

A CEO published an opinion piece, saying the worst question you can ask in a job interview is “what is the remote work policy?” The second worst question is “are those real?”

New York City hired Kathleen Corradi as the first-ever Director of Rodent Mitigation, or “rat czar”, at a salary of $155,000/year. In turn, Corradi announced her support staff, starting with Assistant Director, Mittens.

Today show co-host Jenna Bush Hager discussed body positivity, saying her boyfriend when she was in 7th grade dumped her after seeing her in a bathing suit. She said in the years since, she’s patched things up with Dick Cheney.

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Today Show host Hoka Kotb called off her engagement to Joel Schiffman, telling her audience she will Notb getting married.

Legendary quarterback Tom Brady announced his retirement from the NFL, but failed to mention the New England Patriots, owner Robert Kraft or coach Bill Belichick. Belichick said it was okay, because he’d already seen film of Brady discussing retirement with his wife & kids.

Walking Dead actor Moses Mosely passed away at age 31. No cause of death was given, but his brains were still uneaten.

Singer India Arie announced she’s pulling her music from Spotify in protest of podcaster Joe Rogan’s statements about race. Arie’s music will still be available for streaming in her living room.

A hiker in an Arizona park fell 700 feet to their death while taking a selfie atop a cliff. Worse, he didn’t buy the insurance for his phone.

A 40-person chair-throwing brawl erupted at a Golden Corral restaurant in suburban Philadelphia, allegedly because the all-you-can-eat buffet ran out of steak. No serious injures were reported, but police are praising an anonymous hero who was able to save the Chocolate Fountain.

Sarah Palin, 57, is reportedly dating retired New York Rangers hockey player Ron Duguay, 61. There’s some high-sticking, but it takes a little while.

The New York Times is acquiring word puzzle Wordle, and bracing for the fallout on February 5th when users see “Sorry, you’ve used up your free puzzles for the month.”

A U.K. study finds Outkast’s ‘Hey Ya!’ is the most distracting song to play while driving a car, with a high percentage of listeners shaking it like a polaroid picture into trees and guard rails.

Astronomers confirmed the existence of a mile-wide Earth Trojan asteroid in Earth’s orbit, but are not concerned that it will collide with our planet and cause damage. What they’re really worried about is the two-mile-wide Earth Magnum.

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A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

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Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

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A new study claims listening to classical music during operations improves surgeons speed and accuracy by 11 percent. A different study claims surgeons listening to gangster rap during operations might just be people stabbing you. [story h/t to AJFS]

Savannah Guthrie was absent from NBC’s Today Show as she underwent surgery to repair her retina, torn when her child struck it with a toy truck. Keep an eye out for her return!

Disney+ announced the first cast members for their ‘Home Alone’ reboot. The plot departs from the original, with parents deliberately leaving their kid home alone while they go on vacation, but it’s okay because he has Disney+.

The New York Yankees signed pitcher Gerrit Cole to a nine-year, $324 million contract. This, after the Washington Nationals signed Stephen Strasburg to a seven-year, $245 million deal. Meanwhile, over a dozen ten-year-olds underwent elbow surgery after their dads saw those numbers and pushed them too far.

Bougainville, a collection of islands in the South Pacific, voted for independence from Papua New Guinea to become the world’s newest country. This is a second chance for the Bougainville bobsledders who just missed making the Papua New Guinea olympic team.

Climate activist Greta Thunberg is Time Magazine’s 2019 Person of the Year – edging out stiff competition from the creators of the “I’mma tell my kids this is” and “I don’t know who needs to hear this” memes.

Fuller House star Bob Saget said he will “always love” embattled co-star Lori Loughlin, and won’t “cut people out.” “Did somebody say ‘cut it out’?” said far less popular co-star Dave Coulier.

A team of professional scientists working for Major League Baseball claim the increase in 2019 home runs was due to lower seams on baseballs, and changes in players’ swing patterns. A different team of drunken bleacher scientists claimed it was because pitchers sucked.

Doctors are more frequently diagnosing Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, HSDD, a reduced sex drive and associated distress affecting one in ten women. Treatments include FDA-approved drug, Addyi, as well as husbands showering and doing the dishes.

Former ESPN reporter Britt McHenry, a contributor to Fox News streaming service Fox Nation, is suing her employer for sexual harassment. Fox responded that all blonde female employees are sexually harassed as part of new-hire orientation.

A Los Angeles court issued an injunction against Netflix, barring the streaming service from poaching employees under contract to Fox Networks. Lawyers for Netflix challenged the ruling, wondering how else they’re going to get more white people to sign up.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.

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Grovetown, Georgia is requiring registered sex offenders in the area to report to a municipal facility on Halloween night for ‘childrens’ safety’. However, trick-or-treaters are appealing for leniency, once they found out the offenders were planning to hand out full-size KitKat bars.

More suspicious explosive packages have been identified, delivered to Vice President Joe Biden and actor Robert Deniro. Deniro notified police when he received an email from UPS reading “your shipment of pipe bomb has been delivered!”

Following her now-infamous Halloween-costume blackface comments Tuesday on the Today show, Megyn Kelly opened Wednesday’s show saying “I want to open with two words: I’m sorry.” Kelly’s time slot aired a rerun on Thursday. Her Friday segment will start with “I want to open with two words: I’m fired.”

A caravan of migrants fleeing Central America for the United States has grown to approximately 10,000. Or, as Sean Spicer called it, two million.

President Trump denied using a personal iPhone that can be bugged by Russian and Chinese spies. This, as Chief of Staff John Kelly translated iMessages received in Russian and Chinese reading “speak up.”

Duchess Meghan Markle was photographed at an event in Tonga wearing a red dress with a tag hanging off of the hem. She had just arrived there from Australia, where she dedicated the grand opening of Brisbane’s newest TJ Maxx.

Google released ‘Night Sight’ mode for its Pixel smartphones, a low-light camera setting that its makers claim will save you from ever having to use the flash again. “It really is terrific!” say Peeping Toms looking at their latest Pixel snaps.

Starbucks opened a first-of-its-kind location in Washington, DC, where every employee is fluent in American Sign Language — providing a long-awaited opportunity for pretentious deaf douchebags to sign a 90-second order and still see the wrong name written on their cup.

The FDA approved Genentech’s Xofluza, a new oral medication for treatment of the flu. It’s to be taken within 48 hours of showing symptoms, or not taken at all if you’d rather just miss a full week of work.

Jamie Lee Curtis said that she was paid just $8,000 for her role in the original ‘Halloween’. Worse, the guy who played Michael Myers just got to keep his wardrobe and the knives.

 

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Serena Williams pulled out of the French Open, citing issues with her pectoral muscle. On the advice of her doctor, her child will stop breast feeding with utensils.

Former UFC women’s champion Miesha Tate delivered a new baby girl, Amalia. She was held in submission for nine months, but finally tapped out of the birth canal after 67 hours of labor. Neither Miesha or Amalia have discussed a rematch.

An FBI agent dropped his gun while doing a backflip at a Denver-area bar; the gun discharged and hit a bar patron in the lower leg. The agent expressed his regret that he couldn’t get a shot for everyone.

Appearing on the Today show, President Bill Clinton said that he doesn’t feel that he owes Monica Lewinsky an apology, although he did offer to pay a dry cleaning bill.

Kim Jong Un replaced all three of North Korea’s top military officials prior to his summit meeting with U.S. President Trump in Singapore on June 12th, after finding all of their resumes on the office printer along with cover letters sent to General James Mattis.

In suburban Philadelphia, a student was stabbed at Upper Darby High School. Or, as they call it in suburban Philadelphia, “vocational training.”

Apple kicked off its Worldwide Developers Conference by announcing iOS12. It launches this fall, provided you’ve already started downloading it.

Howard Schulz is retiring at Chairman of the Board at Starbucks. He’s rumored to be running for President, once he figures out if visitors can use the White House bathrooms without buying a tour first.

Gretchen Carlson, former Miss America and current Chair of the Miss America organization, announced that the competition is no longer a pageant, and that there will be no swimsuit competition going forward. Entrants, however, can still wear push-up bras and tape their boobs together for the new calculus bee if they feel like it.

The Bonnaroo music festival announced that it will wash and swap attendees clothes for free. Visitors to the LaundROO Lounge can swap out and wear clean vintage clothes while theirs are washed in a machine from LG, sponsor of the lounge. Or if they’d rather get their own clean clothes back, they can wait in a patchouli bath and eat Tide pods.