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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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A new study concludes men are generally better than women at navigating & directions. Men would like to know why but refuse to ask.

A traveler at JFK Airport was arrested for smuggling cocaine in bags of jumbo shrimp. He chose the shrimp because it was easier than trying to hide the cocaine in cocktail sauce.

A man was arrested for attempting to break in to Taylor Swift’s New York City townhouse. He was carrying burglar tools and a Kansas City Chiefs schedule.

A Florida grandmother was arrested in mid-December for her role in a murder-for-hire of her ex son-in-law. She’s charged with murder, and her grandkids assume at this point they aren’t getting those Christmas checks.

Ron DeSantis withdrew from seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. He said he was unsure of his future plans, before being reminded that he’s still Governor of Florida.

A top dentist revealed the real problems with Kanye West’s new titanium teeth – a high risk of gum infections, and setting off the alarm at airport security.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow of E! Network’s ‘Botched‘ said he quit using Ozempic because it took away the “joy of eating” – leaving him with nothing but the joy of fixing several women’s boobs every day.

A large sinkhole opened up in Delran, New Jersey, measuring 25 x 25 feet wide and 15 feet deep. Roads will be closed until local crime bosses fill it with snitches.

Former Vice President Al Gore turned 75, and will leave Apple’s Board of Directors because of the company’s age-based restrictions. At 75, he’s now too old to be on the Board, and 60-65 years too old to build iPhones.

A United Airlines flight from Edinburgh, Scotland to Newark, New Jersey was cancelled because the pilot was arrested for having a taser in his carry-on bag. The pilot said he only planned to use the taser if someone tried to steal his vodka.

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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.

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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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The first new public elementary school built in North Philadelphia in more than 70 years opened. A sixth grader cut a ribbon at one of the school’s exits to become the first student dropping out of it.

The mansion of Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill caught fire. Afterward, the structure was ruled incomplete.

Subscribers are cancelling streaming services in record numbers, due to higher prices, and watching 25 minutes of the latest Adam Sandler movie.

6.9 million 23andMe customers had their personal information stolen in a massive data breach. Although one of the hackers was delighted to discover several of the victims were long-lost cousins.

Amy Robach told her romantic partner and former Good Morning America co-host T.J. Holmes that she “lost most of her worldly possessions” in the divorce that followed their extramarital affair. Holmes said he remembered the first time she lost her shirt.

Dozens of previously-sealed documents related to Jeffrey Epstein were unsealed Wednesday. It’s the first time Donald Trump and Bill Clinton appeared together in years.

An Illinois man issued a warning, claiming he fell into a diabetic coma after taking counterfeit Ozempic. However, he did lose 8 pounds while he was knocked out.

TGI Fridays abruptly closed 36 underperforming restaurants, which they’re renaming SDI* Thursday. [*Shutting Down Immediately]

Colombian carrier Avianca was named the World’s Most Punctual Passenger Airline – mainly because crews are terrified what will happen if the drugs arrive late.

People with hearing loss who use hearing aids exhibit a 24% lower risk of mortality – as opposed to the 76% who can’t hear their friend say “look out for that truck”.

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Grandparents attempting to fund a Disney Parks vacation for their family mistakenly bought $10,000 in gift cards to the Disney+ streaming channel. They were able to exchange them, and still owe $7,500 for the vacation.

Consumers are expected to return $173 billion in holiday gifts. It should be more like $350 billion, but some folks just don’t have the heart.

A 14-year-old fled a traffic stop in Philly and crashed the car he was driving following police pursuit. The two other passengers in the car left him a one-star Uber review.

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s home was “swatted” on Christmas Day, as police and first responders were called for a fake emergency. They left after she answered the door in her underwear and they refused her offer to come in for coffee.

Kanye West apologized to Jews for his past anti-Semitic remarks with a message written in Hebrew. He said he would have sent it sooner but it took a LONG time to find someone who speaks Hebrew to write it for him.

A man won $489,000 after betting $5 that 14 specific NFL players would each score a touchdown. His ESPNBet balance is now -$405,000.

Amazon Prime Video will begin running advertisements at the end of January. Your Amazon delivery person will also attach ads to the picture of the package they left on your porch.

Mariah Carey’s 7-year relationship with Brian Tanaka ended. Tanaka said the split was amicable, and Carey said she isn’t too shook up because she makes most of her money off of Santa Claus, anyway.

Following a risky vocal chord surgery, a 9-year-old child is able to speak for the first time. Her parents call it a miracle, but also kind of miss the quiet.

Daihatsu, a Japanese automaker, halted production after admitting it falsified the results of safety tests for 30 years. Japanese officials are currently exhuming thousands of crash test dummies with busted heads from a mass grave.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.