By |

Fashion author Jill Gutowitz is quoted in the New York Post claiming dressing ‘like a lesbian’ is a “powerful fashion trend”. Others dispute her claim, yet high school softball teams are forefeiting games as players quit to become runway models.

First responders were called to a massive fire at a Walmart distribution center outside Indianapolis. It’s being called “the biggest Walmart worker smoke break ever”.

A new Selena album is planned for release 27 years after her death. Superfans are warned not to buy tour tickets.

Russia banned Canada’s Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from entering the country, effectively shutting down plans for the World’s Worst Spring Break.

Tesla closed its Shanghai Gigafactory for two days as COVID cases spike in China. Workers welcomed the chance to spend two days with their children who are on a two-day break from the Apple factory.

A British woman says her TikTok accounts are repeatedly shut down because of her 38J breasts. TikTok responded it’s not just because they’re big, it’s because they’re too wide to be viewed in Portrait Mode.

A 20-year-old Canadian woman with natural 28H breasts convinced doctors who’d called her “too young” to surgically reduce them to C-cups. She claimed her massive breasts caused migraine headaches, but doctors concluded they were concussions from jumping rope.

Florida police arrested 108 adults in a human trafficking sting, including four Disney employees, in ‘Operation March Sadness 2’. That name edged out the runner-up, ‘Operation Unhappiest Place On Earth’.

Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen said the band’s setlist from the upcoming Stadium Tour with Motley Crue, Poison, & Joan Jett will include songs from a new Def Leppard album. Allen said it’s because concertgoers need time to buy beer and t-shirts.

Medical experts claim excessive daytime napping could be an early sign of dementia – or just that you’ve been working too long for the cable company.

By |

Walmart announced they’re hiring 50,000 more workers before May, 50 of whom are expected to still be there in June.

Drug overdose deaths reached a new annual record in 2021, caused by a surge in Fentanyl, and man-boosting Testofen in Nugenix Total T.

President Joe Biden demanded a faster reduction in gas prices. While at the gas station he also demanded three packs of wintergreen Life Savers and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson is quitting after 13 years. Once a new CEO is confirmed, the Board Of Baristas will announce them by issuing a ceremonial cup with their name misspelled.

For the first time in the show’s history, ‘The Bachelor‘ Clayton Echard ended with every remaining Bachelorette either being dumped or rejecting him. In case you missed it, you can watch the same thing play out in every bar every Friday night.

Several NFL teams remain ‘in the mix’ for Houston Texans QB Deshaun Watson. It’s believed the asking price is multiple first round picks to acquire Watson and his 20+ sexual misconduct lawsuits.

The International Court of Justice ordered Russia to cease its invasion of Ukraine. Moments later, Rudy Giuliani filed an appeal on Russia’s behalf.

A UFC fighter subdued a man who opened fire in a Houston sushi restaurant. If you want to see the surveillance footage, it’ll cost you $60 on pay per view this Saturday.

Marylin Miglin, the “Queen Of Makeovers” from Home Shopping Network, died after a stroke. Memorial contributions can be made in four easy payments.

Kanye West ripped Pete Davidson over Davidson’s joke about wanting to have sex with a baby. Davidson was also ripped by two dozen male open-mic comedians for stealing their premise.

By |

Data from insurance industry website Insurify shows that, of the seven most popular vehicles owned by drivers withar DUI, seven are pickup trucks. Owners say it’s because of the convenience transporting cases of beer and injured pedestrians.

Threat assessmnent experts cite an increased risk of violence posed by “incels” – involuntary celibate men frustrated they can’t have sexual relationships with women. It’s so bad, threat levels have been elevated to Code Red for every ComicCon this summer.

The European Union stripped Russia of “Most Favored Nation” trade status. Emails sent to Russian households inform buyers their UPS shipment is scheduled to arrive ‘Never’.

Russia is seizing hundreds of Boeing & Airbus passenger jets grounded in the country. Spirit Airlines is pleased to announce new 29-Ruble SuperSaver flights between Moscow and St. Petersburg.

37 million people in China are in COVID lockdown – leading to immense stress in households that have already reached their two-child limit.

Dolly Parton refused her nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and also refused to endorse the write-in candidate seeking to take her spot on the ballot, Lou Bega.

Tom Brady’s return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has put his feature film project ‘80 For Brady‘ in question. That, and Jane Fonda’s decision to return to making leotard & leg warmer aerobics videos.

A Wisconsin bird flu outbreak will require the culling of 2.75 million chickens – as 300 Wisconsin fire departments band together for a world record barbecue.

A new study claims sleeping with even a small amount of light on harms your heart health. The study cites audience heart attacks suffered falling asleep during showings of three-hours-long ‘The Batman’.

Sandra Bullock announced she’s “taking a break” from acting. Viewers of her last few movies announced “that’s a terrific idea”.

By |

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

By |

Florida’s controversial ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill is expected to be signed into law by Governor Ron DeSantis. Mississippi is considering related legislation, ‘Don’t Put ‘Homosexual’ On Spelling Tests’.

Kim Kardashian said in an interview “I have the best advice for women…get your f**king ass up and work”. Kardashian was dragged on social media, but critics admit no one has gotten their ass up as much as Kim Kardashian.

Photographers captured Kourtney Kardashian kissing & grinding on top of fiance Travis Barker on a California beach. Kourtney said she was just taking her sister’s advice by getting her ass up and getting to work.

NFL Hall Of Famer Deion Sanders had two of his toes amputated. He was considering having a third toe removed so the ones remaining would be a Prime number.

Exports of Nintendo gaming consoles to Russia have been stopped, citing the thousands of deaths suffered by Mario in his war with Bowser.

Tiger Woods’ daughter Sam introduced him at his World Golf Hall Of Fame induction, saying she “inducted (him) to the Dad Hall Of Fame a long time ago.” His induction to the Husband Hall Of Fame, however, remains in doubt.

Elon Musk and partner Grimes welcomed a second child, a girl born via surrogate, Exa Dark Siderael. She and older brother X Æ A-XII, are now officially The Hardest Kids To Buy Personalized Souvenirs For At Disney World.

Courteney Cox claims she doesn’t remember the 10 years she spent on sitcom ‘Friends‘. Ironically, everyone who’s seen it is trying to forget the years she spent on ‘Cougar Town‘.

Congress’ new budget includes NASA funding for a new commercial space station in low-earth orbit. Or, as regular people will come to know it, the world’s highest Starbucks.

‘Black Panther’ director Ryan Coogler was mistakenly arrested as a suspected robber for passing a note requesting a $12,000 cash withdrawal at an Atlanta bank. Coogler was released, but vowed to close his T’Checking account at Wakanda Savings & Loan.

By |

Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

By |

McDonald’s shut down restaurants in Russia, citing the “needless human suffering” of people eating at McDonald’s in Russia.

A new study links concussions in young people to ongoing mental health issues – proving that parents really are slapping their kids silly.

Charles Entenmann, founder of Entenmanns Bakery, died at age 92. He’ll either be cremated, or baked at 350 degrees until a toothpick comes out clean.

Memphis police say a man disguised himself as a Walmart employee and loaded stolen TVs into accomplice’s vehicles. A store manager knew something was wrong when he saw what appeared to be a Walmart employee actually assisting a customer.

As deaths from COVID approach 1 million in the U.S., some are advocating for a COVID Memorial Day. It would be like the other Memorial Day, but honoring mostly dopes who were scared of needles.

Kohl’s is adding Sephora mini-shops to 75% of its stores, but management warned investors to be patient, saying Sephora can only sell makeup to Kohl’s shopper-moms, not miracles.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warned of “grave consequences” after senior officials were fired for failing to enforce the nation’s strict COVID prevention guidelines. The officials said they couldn’t handle the surge in COVID-positive residents because they ran out of bullets.

A former Texas “Teacher Of The Year” – fired for showing students a picture of her female fiance – settled a lawsuit with her former school district for $100,000. The kids each received $10,000 because the fiance isn’t very cute.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill overhauling the United States Postal Service – which was then delivered by a Post Office letter carrier to the Lincoln Memorial instead of the House of Representatives.

Uber Eats announced new ‘Group Ordering’ and ‘Bill Splitting’ features, allowing multiple people to stiff the driver on their tip.

By |

A box of human heads intended for medical research was stolen from a truck in Denver. Police are offering a $2,000 reward – or, about fifty bucks a head.

The United States ranks 18th in global rankings solving Wordle puzzles; experts blame teen boys who repeatedly guess BOOBS.

Nintendo halted online purchases in Russia. Princess Peach is expected to remain Bowser’s captive for several more months.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express have ceased Russian operations, leading to long-awaited VIP status for Russians with lousy credit scores using prepaid debit cards.

NBC Networks cancelled drama ‘Ordinary Joe‘ after one season. The network said for Joe to be truly ordinary, he needed to get dumped before we really got to know him.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are moving back to the U.K. Ozzy wanted to live in a place he could spell.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is engaged. And boy are his fiance’s wrists sore.

A missing Florida woman was found dead in her septic tank. Her handyman was arrested for murder, and investigators are amazed at the power of her toilet’s flush.

A Comcast executive in Pennsylvania is running for Congress, hoping to find a job that pays him to do even less than he’s doing now.

Pet retailer Chewy invested heavily in Bed, Bath & Beyond, with plans to make it Smelly Bed Bath & Beyond.

By |

AMC Theatres will charge a higher ticket price to see popular films, starting with ‘The Batman’. They decided on this money-making approach after rejecting an idea to make people pay for ‘The Bathroom‘.

Exonerated Central Park 5 defendant Raymond Santana Jr is divorcing his wife of 20 months, Flavor Of Love contestant Chandra ‘Deelishis’ Davis, claiming what was once Deelishis is now Spoyyldd.

A Tennessee woman will serve a two-year sentence for passing a balloon filled with drugs to a male Pennsylvania inmate during an open-mouth kiss. Guards thought the balloon was her tongue, but then noticed Happy Birthday Leon printed on it.

The popularity of Pickleball is leading to angry confrontations with homeowners who live near parks, saying the sport makes too much noise. They cite the pop of the ball hitting the paddle, and the ambulances and screams after senior heart attacks.

Harvey Weinstein was caught with contraband Milk Duds in his prison cell. Surveillance video captured Weinstein exposing his genitals to the candy, asking if it wanted to be in a movie.

A new study claims resistance/weight training is better for sleep than cardio. Doctors suggest an easy way to weight train is to let your overweight partner get on top.

Microsoft will discontinue the sale of new products and services in Russia, but will continue its repair program for Siberia’s most popular portable music player, Zune.

Twitter is expanding Birdwatch, a user-generated fact-checking program, but promised the user experience will still be dominated by lousy jokes, cat pictures and partisan politics.

NASA invited Americans to submit their names for addition to a drive that will circle the Moon in an upcoming Artemis mission. However, NASA also said they’ll no longer accept submissions from Mike Hunt, Luke Likesheet, Barry McCockiner and others.

Actor Jason Momoa said his separation from Lisa Bonet is “hard enough” in the public eye – but that freedom to hook up with dozens of younger chicks in private is “not that hard”.