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In a divorce lawyer’s viral video, she lists the six most common professions of people who cheat on their spouse or significant other. They are: NBA point guard; NBA shooting guard; NBA small forward; NBA power forward; NBA center; & NBA coach.

Gen Z men & women are reportedly ditching dating apps in favor of trying to meet someone in person. Although many admit sharing nude pics as an icebreaker is a lot more risky that way.

Alaska Airlines passengers aboard the flight where a door plug blew off in midair were contacted by the FBI to say they may be “victims of a crime”. The FBI also sent letters to Spirit Airlines passengers saying they’re “victims of their own poor judgment.”

A new study finds venting anger verbally or physically is not as effective at inducing calm as yoga or meditation. However, the most calm person in the study was the woman who yelled at & punched someone after her yoga class.

Donald Trump appeared at a pretrial hearing in a case involving hush money payment to porn star Stormy Daniels. He said he’d be willing to plead guilty if someone would buy a sex tape of him & Stormy Daniels for $454 Million.

Kim Kardashian and NFL star Odell Beckham Jr reportedly split up after six months because she wanted to have a child with him. Beckham did not, but still said Kardashian was a talented wide receiver.

Chick-fil-A announced they’re changing their ‘No Antibiotics Ever’ policy for chickens to ‘No Antibiotics Important To Human Medicine’. Using only antibiotic-free chicken is limiting their supply, so they’re allowing poultry farmers to sell them chickens whose flu and gonorhhea have been successfully treated.

Utah’s Payson High School, location for 1984 film ‘Footloose‘, is having their final prom there because the school is relocating to a new building. 65-year-old star Kevin Bacon announced he’s accepted an invitation to attend – but his wife Kyra Sedgwick isn’t thrilled that he’s going with Payson High’s cheerleading captain.

Los Angeles Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani will publicly address a multi-million dollar gambling scandal that led to the firing of his Japanese language interpreter. At the very least, Americans are excited to learn how to say “double or nothing” in Japanese.

Philadelphia native Kevin Hart received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Like previous selection Adam Sandler, the committee was willing to overlook a lot of movies.

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After decades, premium cable channel Showtime announced they’ll no longer air boxing. But for old times sake, they may ask the women of their only hit show, Yellowjackets, to fistfight each other.

Adam Sandler stopped a comedy show at the SAP Center in San Jose when he heard a fan shout “medical emergency”. First responders treated the fan, as warmup act that nobody wanted to see, Rob Schneider, told them “you can dooo eet!”.

A Lansdale, Pennsylvania man was charged with DUI and indecent exposure after stripping naked inside a Wawa convenience store. He was also charged $4.99 for a Salami Shorti.

Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni separated from her tv journalist partner, Andrea Giambruno, following sexist remarks he’d made regarding the victim of a sexual assault. The two will share custody of their 7-year-old daughter and the pasta maker.

Producers of Rick and Morty discussed how they replaced departed co-creator/actor Justin Roiland for the voices of the title characters. They said first, they made sure the new talent weren’t serial sexist abusive assholes.

Director Christopher Nolan said Hollywood studios missed out by not producing Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour film, allowing it to be distributed exclusively through AMC Theaters. He also said he would have made it at least and hour longer and more confusing for no good reason.

CVS Pharmacy said it will no longer sell cough & cold medication with phenylephrine as the only active ingredient. The drug’s efficacy has been questioned, and besides, they need more room on the pharmacy shelf for opioids & fentanyl anyway.

Chick-fil-A will pay over $4 million to settle a class action lawsuit over their inflated delivery prices during the pandemic. They promised low delivery fees, but then charged higher-than-advertised menu prices for orders placed online and by anyone who sounded gay.

Britney Spears said the abortion of her and Justin Timberlake’s unborn child took place at her home so nobody would find out. And because they found a house call doctor that agreed to bring KFC.

A black bear in Tennessee crashed a family barbecue, eating 10 hamburgers off the grill and washing it down with Diet Coke. The family then took to social media, congratulating themselves for finally having a black guy at one of their cookouts.

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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Viral video shows an armless man in a motorized wheelchair pointing a gun held with his foot at a jewelry store clerk during a robbery. The perpetrator made off with several Rolex anklewatches.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog to Sony for $500 million: roughly $499,999,990 for songs prior to 1990, and the rest for everything after.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer after less than one year on the job. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by Rural Meyer.

After two seasons, Disney+ cancelled ‘Diary Of A Future President‘ about a Cuban-American teen girl who grows up to become President of the United States. The creator is sad they didn’t make Season 3, where she teams up with Ivanka Trump to overthrow the government and become President.

Feral hogs have overrun a Southeast Texas county, roaming in packs of dozens and wrecking property in their path. Perhaps worst of all, they’re cutting the lines at the Chick-fil-A drive thrus.

90-Day Fiance star Stephanie Matto claims she’s made $100,000 selling her farts in jars. She claims she ate so many fiber bars to generate flatulence that she almost landed in the hospital – delaying a large shipment to Mar A Lago.

Ben Affleck said he abused alcohol while married to Jennifer Garner because he felt trapped, and that if they were married he’d still be drinking. Affleck said he’d sleep on the couch and drink scotch – 13 ounces, going on 30.

Hilaria Baldwin posted the family’s “perfectly imperfect” Instagram holiday card – calling it that because they only took one shot.

AT&T will comply with the January 6th Committee’s subpeona for phone records of members of Congress. Boost Mobile has yet to respond after Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Jim Jordan & others switched on January 7th.

McDonald’s reclaimed $105 million paid to former CEO Steve Easterbrook as severance, after proving Easterbrook lied about three inappropriate sexual relationships with employees, known only as Red R, Black H, and Purple G.

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The Big 10 and Pac 12 athletic conferences announced they won’t play football in Fall 2020 – leading to a panicked emergency Board of Directors meeting of the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

Joe Biden picked Kamala Harris as his running mate, and will finally get to know what a part-Indian, part-Jamaican woman’s hair feels & smells like.

In a Tuesday radio interview, Donald Trump called NBA players “very nasty” and “very dumb” for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racial injustice – adding that he’s cancelled his plans to throw out the first pitch at an NBA game.

Laid-off hospitality workers protesting the lack of extended unemployment benefits set up makeshift soup kitchens outside the offices of Senators opposing $600/week payments. “I’ll have a large chicken noodle” said Mitch McConnell.

In a different interview Tuesday night with Sean Hannity, Trump once again railed against windmills, mourning birds that die because of them – presumably from cancer.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s attorneys are asking that she be moved out of solitary confinement, since it’s pretty hard to recruit teen convicts to give massages if you can’t talk to them.

A Chick-fil-A employee in Florida shared a ‘secret’ dessert item that combines their fresh fruit cup, soft-serve ice cream, and a milkshake. Customers are impressed, but still get the large waffle fries instead.

Six Jersey Shore beaches are under a swimming advisory because of high levels of fecal bacteria in the water. Local sharks admit they’re to blame for scaring swimmers.

Mossimo Giannulli and Lori Loughlin downsized from their Bel-Air mansion to a newly-constructed 11,758 square foot home. Instead of a fitness center with rowing machines, the new house has its own prison cell for home confinement.

A broken cable tore a 100-foot hole in one of the world’s largest telescopes, located in Puerto Rico. Crews estimate it will be several months before Puerto Rican scientists will once again be able to peek through the windows of Florida bathrooms.

 

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Kim Kardashian joined husband Kanye West in Wyoming amid speculation about the future of their marriage. Kardashian was photographed crying next to West in the car as they left Wendy’s, presumably after looking up the calorie count of what she just ate.

Chicago White Sox pitcher Michael Kopech filed for divorce from his pregnant wife, ‘Riverdale’ actress Vanessa Morgan, after seeing a sonogram that appeared to have Jughead’s crown on it.

A Houston doctor who claims hydroxychloroquine is the cure for COVID-19 is daring Dr. Anthony Fauci to give a urine sample to prove he’s not taking it. She’s seeking the pants he urinated in right after he threw out that first pitch at the Nationals season opener.

Donald Trump, Jr had his Twitter account restricted after posting videos of the Houston doctor’s false claims of a COVID-19 cure. So, his assistant that knows how to work a smartphone is temporarily out of a job.

The GOP unveiled their latest $1 trillion coronavirus relief bill, reducing weekly unemployment payments from $600 to $200. “NOW what are we gonna do?” asked Jaguar dealers.

A Lynchburg, Virginia Chick-fil-A is offering a free entree and a $10 bill to anyone who exchanges a $10 roll of coins. Lynchburg, Virginia’s best & brightest immediately went to work creating a paper roll that holds a thousand pennies.

A woman died after an apparent shark attack while swimming in Maine. The shark doesn’t expect people to understand, but sometimes you just get sick of lobster.

Teens in Memphis rioted at a Putt-Putt golf course after being denied refunds after getting kicked out for their rowdy behavior. It got so bad, they’re still trying to remove the windmill from the clown’s mouth.

With kids everywhere bored over theme & water park closures during COVID-19 lockdowns, Wham-O classic backyard Slip ‘N Slide sales are up 160%. Also up 160% – emergency room visits for deep bone bruises.

The NFL will allow players to put the names of black crime victims on the back of their helmets. They won’t allow players to put their own names on the helmets, for fear they’ll look at it and cheat on their in-game concussion exams.

 

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The Wall Street Journal reports that New York sent recovering COVID-19 patients to nursing homes, sickening elderly residents and angering others that newbies were winning the weekly bingo games.

An Australian woman shared her cleaning hack, placing a dishwasher detergent tablet in a sponge to clean her glass shower door. The door is spotless, but she suffered lacerations after tripping on a pile of plates she took into the shower with her.

Good Housekeeping issued their list of the 8 Top Outdoor Security Cameras, which they tested by gauging how effective they were catching the neighbor’s dog taking a dump in your yard.

McDonald’s released their plans for reopening restaurants. To limit the spread of virus, teenagers will be encouraged to throw their plastic trays in the garbage.

McDonald’s will also offer new COVID-19 Happy Meals – the toy is a face mask or a bottle of hand sanitizer.

Browser extension Scener lets you create watch parties so you can stream Netflix or HBO Go content alongside a Zoom-type videoconference meeting. It’s for people living in isolation who don’t have a spouse or partner to yell “shut up” at while they watch tv.

Iggy Azalea returned to Instagram, as the platform detected a steep rise in unintelligible gibberish.

Walmart just launched a new line of backpacking gear – after noticing how many homeless people don’t have backpacks.

Chick-fil-A is now the second-highest-grossing restaurant chain in the U.S., trailing only McDonald’s. They’re so flush with cash, executives are considering a huge offer to land free agent mascot, Grimace.

Cuba Gooding Jr serenaded Los Angeles nurses to thank them for their work during the COVID-19 pandemic, leaving some nurses wondering who he was, and others wondering why they couldn’t get someone more famous to sing for them.

 

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Serena Williams & other pros will play Mario Tennis Aces on Nintendo Switch for charity. Williams promises this will be better than last time, when her Princess Peach was called for foot faults and threatened to ram the ball down Line Judge Luigi’s throat.

The NCAA will allow college athletes to make money from endorsements. Ten minutes after the ruling, every Division I basketball player had an endorsement deal with a marijuana dispensary or CBD oil company. 

A New Jersey woman who filed for unemployment benefits was sent a debit card in the mail with a zero balance. On the bright side, her VIP cardholder status entitles her to free Valet Parking at Dollar Tree. 

Meat packing workers ordered to return to their jobs are telling their employers they don’t feel safe. “Yeah, sure” say pigs, cows & chickens. 

Coronavirus experts believe Remdesivir – a drug developed to treat ebola – may be effective treating COVID-19. They’ve already started filming an ad with the Truvada for Prep guy with recovered victims dancing. 

Dogs are being trained to sniff for coronavirus. They’re asking if they can sniff people’s breath for a change. 

Madonna said she’s tested positive for coronavirus antibodies, and is planning to “breathe in the COVID-19 air” – presumably from the mouth of a guy 30 years younger than she is. 

Juul announced it’s vaporizing 40% of employees. 

Chick-fil-A is launching its first meal kit – the instructions are, you grab a hatchet, then open it in a small room so it’s easier to catch. 

A Walmart in Worcester, Massachusetts closed temporarily after 23 employees tested positive for coronavirus. Most of them are now greeters at the Intensive Care Unit. 

 

 

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After the website crashed on the final day of open enrollment, the National Healthcare Marketplace – Obamacare – extended the deadline. People getting Obamacare were given one more day to find out their credit card was declined.

25 years after its initial release, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Experts seeking to prevent mass shootings hope the same thing doesn’t happen with Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’.

Coca-Cola is starting the Coca-Cola Insiders Club, where subscribers pay $10/month to get a monthly shipment of new-to-the-public Coke beverages along with “other surprises”, like replacement teeth.

After a series of hacks, Ring security camera makers gave advice on how to keep your camera from being accessed. They include using two-factor authentication, changing passwords, and looking gross so hackers won’t want to spy on you.

A Chinese woman will be deported after her conviction for operating a “birth tourism” business – where pregnant Chinese women would give birth in the U.S. so their children would be U.S. citizens. She was discovered after too many customers delivered girls and left them when they returned to China.

Sylvester Stallone visited the famed ‘Rocky’ statue in Philadelphia on Monday, as part of a secret that he would only describe as “something extraordinary” – leaving many to think it would be something extraordinary if he stopped making movies.

Chain restaurants such as Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, and others are using “ghost kitchens” – kitchens without restaurants that are solely devoted to online & delivery orders. However they’re concerned about “ghost delivery drivers” who disappear with the food.

Members of Mötley Crüe are reportedly working with trainers and nutritionists to prepare for their summer stadium tour. Bassist Nikki Sixx said he’s eating 2500 “macro balanced” calories a day, while guitarist Mick Mars receives daily one-gallon infusions of teenage blood.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta reunited for a Grease Sing-A-Long in Florida, with Newton-John wearing her original costume, and Travolta wearing his costume and a full head of hair.

Ironically, Clint Eastwood biopic ‘Richard Jewell’ bombed at the weekend box office, despite Jewell not really being the bomber.

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Donald and Melania Trump filed official paperwork to change their state of residence from New York to Florida. Meanwhile, Barron arrived home after school to an empty apartment.

The Tulsa Remote program offers $10,000 grants to remote and digital workers who move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. The only requirements are that you be 18 or older, have a full-time job, and have given up on your dreams.

Washington Redskins player Trent Williams said he had a tumor removed from his skull, against the advice of team doctors who said he should avoid surgeries and wait for the concussions to shrink it.

Chick-fil-A apologized for an email sent to customers promoting National Sandwich Day, which falls on Sunday, when Chick-fil-A is closed. They also apologized for using email, which they believe is a tool of the devil.

Today is World Vegan Day. Restaurants are offering free vegan items to customers who want to try the food they insult people for eating.

Google is acquring Fitbit. Google’s Assistant is considering quitting instead of answering “How Many Steps Have I Taken?” for the zillionth time.

Kohl’s announced their Black Friday deals early – to the delight of everyone looking for a Mom Jeans Doorbuster.

Over 500 Dressbarn stores began their going-out-of-business discounts . All sales – and the dumpy, dateless look that goes with ’em – are final.

3M Company announced the teen winners of its Young Scientist Challenge. First place went to the inventor of a new liquid bandage; second place to the designer of a magnet-powered commuter railway, and thousands of Honorable Mentions to volcanoes.

A couple made an ‘Alien’-inspired short film as a gender reveal, with pink streamers popping out of the mom’s abdomen to say it’s a girl. The sequel will take place when the girl emerges from her lower abdomen via c-section.