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81-year-old Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been ordered to take a paternity test to determine if he fathered a child with a 27-year-old woman. If he is determined to be the father, Jones becomes eligible for NFL Comeback Playa’ of the Year.

The Philadelphia Phillies ended their popular Dollar Dog Nights, after fans used the cheap dogs to start food fights. They’re replacing it with BOGO Dog Night, so fans can buy two hot dogs, eat one, and throw the second one at Mets fans.

ChatGPT is being used by job seekers to generate questions for mock job interviews. However, ChatGPT is frustrating some candidates by skipping the questions and telling them “don’t bother, I already got the job”.

Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani surprised the team by announcing he got married. Ohtani underwent elbow surgery and won’t pitch this season, but is still happy to have an everyday catcher.

A new supplement called ‘LeapYears’ reverses age-related physical & cognitive decline in dogs. A study compared a small group of older dogs who took the supplement, to hundreds of other dogs who found the pill in the rolled-up ham and spit it out.

Holsten’s ice cream parlor in New Jersey is selling the booth used by Tony Soprano’s family in ‘The Sopranos’ final scene. Bidding currently tops $30,000, and the hgh bidder’s payment can be made behind the building with cash stuffed into a sealed yellow envelope.

Heritage Store brand hydrogen peroxide mouthwash is being recalled for a lack of child-safe packaging. Parents are urged to call 911 if they find their toddler passed out with really fresh-smelling breath.

A Texas woman shared via Instagram the one question she asks hiring managers that she claims results in job offers “100% of the time” after the interview: ‘what does excellence look like in this role?’. Of course, the managers reply “really clean toilets”.

Wildlife journal Marine Mammal Science published never-before-seen photos of two male humpback whales having sex. And less provocative photos taken at the same time of their wives dropping their calves off at day care.

A dermatologist is recommending diaper rash cream to hydrate the face. But to still apply your baby’s diaper rash cream with your hands, not your face.

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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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Grubhub announced a delivery partnership with drug store Rite Aid. Their request to rebrand as Drughub was denied, since it’s already taken by a guy selling oxy out of his car in the Rite Aid parking lot.

Hawai’i’s Mauna Loa volcano erupted for the first time since 1984, as local officials issued an ashfall warning, and an advisory for women to switch to flame-retardant hula skirts.

Green Sprouts brand toddler sippy cups are being recalled over a lead poisoning risk, after dozens of toddlers described their apple juice as ‘very filling’.

Pop star Dua Lipa was granted Albanian citizenship by President Bajram Begaj, for her contributions to spreading international awareness to Albania. He then invited her to accept her citizenship in the brand-new Albanian tradition of wearing a thong bikini.

‘Gaslighting’ is Merriam-Webster’s Word Of The Year for 2022. They say it means you should run out and buy a new dictionary so you don’t look dumb.

European police agency Europol took down a ‘super-cartel’ controlling one-third of Europe’s cocaine supply, part of Operation Desert Light – or, what European partiers call Operation The Coke For My Xmas Party Just Got A Lot More Expensive.

A small plane struck an electrical tower and became stuck in it 100 feet above the ground while attempting to land in Maryland. The pilot and a passenger were rescued after a bystander dialed nine eleven.

A fugitive Florida man was arrested after a woman he stayed with last week was found with a hatchet protruding from her head. The man claims he misunderstood how she wanted to settle their differences before Thanksgiving dinner.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones claims “curiosity” was what put him in a group of white students blocking black students from entering a school in 1957. Jones plans to meet with ‘curiosity’ Odell Beckham Jr in hopes of signing him and letting him in the locker room.

A hunter in Turkey died when his dog stepped on the trigger of a loaded rifle, shooting him. The dog then eloped with a deer.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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A bear crashed a two-year-old’s birthday party in Hartford, Connecticut and ate all of the cupcakes. Nobody was injured, and the bear booked appearances at three other upcoming birthday parties.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is out for ‘several weeks’ after suffering a thumb injury in the Cowboys’ season-opening 19-3 loss to Tampa Bay. Cowboys Head Coach Mike McCarthy’s thumb is okay despite being stuck in his ass.

Credit card companies will create a new merchant category for gun dealers, which they say may help identify suspicious firearms purchases. However, critics say it won’t identify bulk sales of AR-15s at Ollie’s Bargain Outlet and Big Lots.

Elon Musk’s college girlfriend Jennifer Gwynne is auctioning off mementos of their time together at the University of Pennsylvania in the 1990s. Appraisers say that, after almost 30 years, the condoms Musk removed during sex held up surprisingly well.

Herb Kohler, heir to the family’s fortune in faucet & plumbing supplies, died at age 83. No cause of death was given, only that his health went swiftly down the drain.

Viral video captured a British Airways pilot announcing the death of Queen Elizabeth mid-flight between New York & London, eliciting tears from some passengers. He then announced the inflight movie as Jared Leto’s ‘Morbius’, eliciting tears from everyone.

A father and son were arrested for stomping on a guest at a Florida wedding reception, nearly killing him. Guests called it the worst-ever attempt at the Electric Slide.

Explorers have mapped an additional 6 miles to Kentucky’s Mammoth Cave system, bringing the total to 426 miles, the world’s largest. There’s now even more room for Kentuckians to live under a rock.

Apple released iOS16. It’s available to download today, for use starting Thursday when it’s finished installing.

Britney Spears said that she has no plans to ever perform again, saying she’s pretty traumatized for life. Britney’s father, Jamie, bought a bigger mailbox to fit all of the thank-you cards he’s been getting.

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Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

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Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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A giant squid died after washing on to a beach in South Africa’s Western Cape province. The squid was clutching an unfinished note to his family, but had run out of ink.

A powerful magnitude 7.4 earthquake struck near the resort town of Huatulco in southern Mexico. Rescue teams immediately went to work freeing mules stuck in drug tunnels.

Bill Cosby was granted an appeal to his sexual assault conviction by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court. The Court’s lead justice wrote: “Weebuh fuhbind thubuh duubufubendubent Cuhbosbuhby duhservebuhs ubbuh nuwbuh trubial.”

Philadelphia is considering an expanded ban on any choking maneuver in addition to chokeholds. The ruling would apply only to police, and would still allow choking Cowboys & Giants fans at Eagles games.

David Lee Roth said he’s dropping “Lee” from his name, owing to General Lee’s association with the Confederacy. He prefers to be called David L. Roth or El Roth – but, as of now, nobody’s calling him anything.

Mel Gibson denies Winona Ryder’s assertion that he made anti-gay and anti-semitic remarks to her. Ryder made the claims in the latest issue of Common Knowledge magazine.

Comedian Chris D’Elia, accused of hitting on underage girls via social media, has been dropped by talent agency CAA. CAA then announced the signing of several other scumbags who haven’t been found out yet.

The FBI ruled a ‘pull rope’ that looks like a noose had been in the Talladega Superspeedway garage since October, and was not a hate crime against black driver Bubba Wallace – disappointing many longtime NASCAR fans.

Golfer Bubba Watson hit his ball into a sand trap last weekend during a tournament in South Carolina, but a small crab had nestled under it. Tour officials allowed Watson to continue play, adding they hadn’t seen crabs under balls since Tiger Woods’ last physical.

Adult film star Ron Jeremy was charged with four counts of sexual assault, and thousands of counts of assaulting the eyeballs of anyone watching his movies.

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WarnerMedia, owner of HBO, is renaming the ‘HBO Now’ app as ‘HBO’ and eliminating ‘HBO Go’ in favor of ‘HBO Max’ in an attempt to eliminate confusion surrounding the different brands. So, that oughta clear everything up.

New Jersey is requiring police officers that have been fired, suspended or faced disciplinary action to be identified to the general public. Police departments are asking if they can just give the list of cops that haven’t been fired, suspended or disciplined.

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott tested positive for COVID19, but is in recovery and feeling good. He wanted to thank Philadelphia Eagles fans for sending him cards and letters they’d coughed on.

For the first time ever, a professional video gamer will miss league play because of a thumb injury. He slammed it in the freezer door at his Mom’s house getting pizza rolls.

Taylor Swift said monuments to Confederate soldiers displayed in Tennessee “make her sick”. If the slavery part or seceding from the U.S.A. part aren’t enough for you to want to tear down statues ..there’s that.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that LGBTQ workers are covered under existing civil rights protections against wrongful discrimination and termination. Writing for the majority, conservative justice Neil Gorsuch said “wait…what!?”.

Walmart is eliminating human cashiers in one of its stores in its founding city of Fayettville, Arkansas, claiming it’s easier denying health insurance to robots.

Scientists believe there are 36 intelligent alien civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy – all registered for mail-in voting in the November presidential election.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the first prescription video game, ‘EndeavorRX’ to treat ADHD in kids ages 8 to 12. Already, dozens of 9-and-10-year-olds have been rushed to emergency rooms for overdoses.

T-Mobile confirmed a massive voice and data outage yesterday, despite going unnoticed by most of their customers who considered it just another weekday.