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A former McDonald’s corporate chef shared a video with a recipe for Big Mac ‘secret sauce’ – mayonnaise, pickle relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, granulated garlic & white pepper. But to get it just right you need a teenager to spit in it.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is rumored to be cast as the next James Bond – the first Jewish actor to portray ‘007’. Producers are considering a remake of Goldfinger, and are auditioning actresses to portray Pussy Galorowitz.

Brain-chip implant company Neuralink revealed its first human trial patient, Noland Arbaugh, a quadraplegic. Arbaugh demonstrated on his laptop that he could move virtual chess pieces with his mind – but didn’t realize he was playing Candy Land.

Dunkin’ is honoring short, confident men with a limited-time small iced coffee drink called ‘The Short King’ – while continuing to insult those same men by selling Munchkins.

New York Attorney General Letitia James has taken initial steps to seize Donald Trump’s golf course in the event he can’t come up with $454 million in cash. James was seen wearing a hardhat & warming up a backhoe to move Ivana’s body.

Wildlife authorities in Ontario rescued a skunk with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar. By “wildlife authorities” they meant a dog who really wanted the peanut butter.

A two-headed rat snake at a Missouri wildlife refuge will undergo surgery after workers said the snake sneezing blood was a ‘red flag’ – but apparently the two heads are no big deal.

A Missouri zoo is asking for the public’s help naming a new baby kangaroo. Meanwhile, a Mississippi zoo is also asking for help naming a baby kangaroo, because Mississippians keep wanting to name it “dinner”.

DoorDash is now piloting drone deliveries in the U.S. So far multiple customers have suffered serious injuries getting their Chinese food off the roof.

Facebook has resurrected the ‘Poke’….to the delight of boomers who haven’t been poked in forever.

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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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Mercedes-Benz added turquoise blue lights to their cars to indicate when they’re in self-driving mode. Several German pedestrians remain in critical condition from hit & run accidents after being struck by vehicles they describe as having turquoise blue lights.

Philadelphia Police Academy graduated 31 new cadets to join the force. They each received a reloadable handgun and a reloadable Dunkin gift card.

A judge ruled that a list naming 180 of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates will be revealed as part of a settled lawsuit. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump already asked the judge if the female associates on the list come with phone numbers.

Portland International Airport debuted therapy llamas to calm passengers before their flights during the busy holiday season. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines debuted wolverines at their departure gates to get passengers worked up for entertaining in-flight fights.

The “humblest Christmas tree in the world” – a 31-inch artificial tree dating back to the 1920s – sold at auction for over $4,000. The buyer and their spouse then fought for three hours over decorating it with colored or white lights.

New York Giants third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito appeared for free to sign autographs at a New Jersey pizzeria, after his original appearance was cancelled when his agent doubled his fee to $20,000. DeVito spent time with the owner, and filled out an application to deliver pizzas once the Giants other QBs get healthy.

Comcast/Xfinity revealed a data breach resulting in hackers stealing personal information of over 36 million customers. Comcast then notified customers of a ten percent price increase on cable tv & broadband to pay for security upgrades.

Sag Harbor, New York fired the man hired to portray Santa Claus at a village holiday celebration because he’d challenged Jewish speakers at a public forum discussing the Israel/Hamas war. Sag Harbor children just want the release of toys currently held captive at the North Pole.

Minnesota redesigned its state flag. Critics say the old flag, showing a Native American on horseback, depicted the state’s wrongful displacement of indigenous people. The new flag more respectfully shows a Native American pit boss supervising a casino.

China’s Guangdong Paper Company announced a new bonus plan, where they pay workers an annual bonus equal to a month’s salary if they walk or run 31 miles per month. The workers say it’s a novel way to stay fit, and they appreciate the extra five bucks.

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A woman claims she quit eating breakfast at Dunkin Donuts and lost 127 lbs. However, she still drinks the coffee to maintain the giant hole in her stomach that allowed her to lose the weight.

Vanna White extended her Wheel Of Fortune contract for 2 years – ending intense negotiations where producers were forced to choose between White and pressing keys on a computer.

Officials in Chester County, Pennsylvania are promising “upgrades” to the prison where convicted murderer Danelo Cavalcante escaped. They’re promising big screen TVs, new mattresses and Grubhub deliveries, so prisoners will want to stay put.

Google announced a Taylor Swift partnership, where 89 puzzles in its search function can be solved to reveal ‘vault’ tracks from the Taylor’s Version rerecording of 1989 – and receive 1,989 targeted ads from companies using personal information they entered.

The wreckage of a $100 million F-35 fighter jet – which crashed after the pilot ejected – was located in Williamsburg County, South Carolina. Officials plan to question the pilot after searching the cockpit and finding empty White Claw cans and a condom wrapper.

The Federal Trade Commission is requiring Epic Games – publisher of online game Fortnite – to reimburse $520 million to parents whose children bought in-game gear without their permission. However, parents can’t get reimbursed if their kids are 30.

A new study published in the journal Obesity claims exercising between 7 a.m. and 9 a.m. is optimal for reducing midriff fat. The study is published in Obesity’s Annual Cheeseburger Issue.

Bijou Philips filed for divorce from husband/actor Danny Masterson, who’s currently serving a 30-year prison sentence for rape. Masterson announced his engagement to a fellow Scientologist he just met in his cell.

Reacting to the U.S. Senate’s rules update to allow casual clothing in the chamber, Maine Republican Susan Collins, 70, said she plans to wear a bikini. Then the Senate updated the apparel rules again to allow blindfolds.

A 29-year-old naked man covered in feces after taking LSD, THC & cocaine, jumped into a pit at the construction site of the new Buffalo Bills stadium. The man was treated at a hospital and charged with criminal trespass. The Buffalo Bills announced they’re looking for a new backup quarterback.

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A new report reveals Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has accepted millions of dollars in travel and hospitality from a wealthy Republican donor in violation of ethics rules. The only judge that’s been paid off more times than Thomas is Judy.

A Texas woman stabbed her fiancee to death, then tried to stitch his wounds closed. She was charged with murder and now her sewing machine is broken.

A new report documents the abuse of more than 600 children in the Catholic Church’s Archdiocese of Baltimore. Officials are considering expanding the investigation beyond what happened last month.

A Michigan family welcomed the first baby daughter in the husband’s lineage since 1885. However, the baby’s first words are “I identify as non-binary”.

A Newark, Delaware man was arrested after attempting to carjack an off-duty officer in an unmarked police vehicle. It’s the first-ever carjacking where the perpetrator ended up in the back seat.

The National Oceanographic Administration said wind farms off of the New Jersey shore could ‘adversely affect’ whales, but not kill them. Meanwhile the Surgeon General said boardwalk food at the Jersey Shore could both adversely affect and kill beachgoing whales.

A new study claims that eating too much sugar has 45 negative health effects. If the sugar comes in the form of a donut eaten along with Dunkin’ coffee, that expands to 145 negative effects.

The barcode is turning 50 – matching the number of minutes it takes for the person ahead of you in line to self-checkout their groceries.

SUGA, of Korean boy-band sensation BTS, was named an Ambassador to the National Basketball Association. He’ll help promote the sport in his native South Korea, and inspire thousands of 5’5″ Korean Americans to try out for, and get cut from, their high school teams.

Idaho passed a law which bans knowingly providing out-of-state travel for women seeking abortions. In other news, Boise’s Plan C Bus Lines announced they’re going out of business.

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The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

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109 employees at Winter Park ski resort in Colorado tested positive for COVID-19, but so far nobody’s died with their boots on.

30 parrots were removed from the Philadelphia home of a man found dead in the back of a U-Haul. All 30 asked for a cracker, and a lawyer.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced they’re expecting a baby. The parents of two-year-old Archie haven’t disclosed if it’s a Betty or a Jughead.

Coca-Cola will trial selling drinks in paper bottles this summer. They decided on paper because the ones made of tooth enamel dissolved too quickly.

The daughter of the Lombardi Trophy silversmith wants an apology from Tom Brady for tossing it between boats in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory parade. No one has the heart to tell her about Rob Gronkowski trying to have sex with it.

Students learning at home are more stressed than their peers learning in classrooms, since many of them are too dumb to realize how remote learning makes it so much easier to cheat.

The Daytona 500 was delayed for six hours by rain and ended shortly after midnight. Many of the announced crowd of 30,000 stuck around anyway, once they realized watching rain fall was every bit as exciting as a NASCAR race.

NASA’s Mars rover Perseverance is scheduled to land on Wednesday. NASA’s other Mars rover, Frustration, turned around and came back to Florida three weeks ago.

Katy Perry and Lionel Richie voted to send Claudia Conway – daughter of Trump adviser Kellyanne – to Hollywood on American Idol. Judge Luke Bryan dissented, saying a teen girl hating her parents should have a sad country song about it by now.

Drinking three cups of coffee a day may reduce the risk of prostate cancer – especially if it’s Dunkin coffee, since it destroys the prostate altogether.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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A New Jersey woman was sucked into a sewer and shot out into a river over a mile away. She says she won’t return to Six Flags Hurricane Harbor. [story h/t to J.L.]

Two Jimmy John’s sandwich shop employees were fired for posting a video where they made a noose out of bread dough. Jimmy John’s is also pulling the Hangman’s Ham Hoagie from their menu.

Kanye West’s family is reportedly concerned that he’s experiencing a serious bipolar episode. In related news, Kanye agreed to participate in his first presidential candidate debate against himself.

Lavicia Leslie will assume the title role in CW Network’s comic book drama ‘Batwoman’, vacated by lesbian actress Ruby Rose. Leslie, a black bisexual actress, is attracted to both cats and penguins.

A wooden statue of Melania Trump was set on fire in her native Slovenia. No response yet from the wooden statue in the East Wing.

Supermarket chain Wegmans announced the permanent closure of all its in-store pubs, following the latest fatal shopping cart DUI in the frozen food aisle.

The FDA warned of hand sanitizers that contain wood alcohol. The sanitizer is toxic if absorbed through the skin, yet smooth and delicious with a splash of Coke.

The mayor of Seoul, South Korea has been reported missing. All available cops have been called in to do some serious Seoul searching.

A 12-year-old girl won $20,000 for creating a car seat device that helps prevent hot-car deaths. She plans to spend the money helping her 3-year-old brother recover from prototype testing.

Decommissioned police body cameras are being sold on eBay, and hackers buying them are finding troves of video evidence, much of which captures distraught employees being shaken down for free Dunkin donuts.

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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”