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A new study finds plant-based diets are best for lowering the risk of heart disease, while elevating the risk of your friends not asking you to go out to dinner with them anymore.

Mattel will honor 9 star female athletes by creating Barbies in their image, And they’ll have a bonus 2-for-1 Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner Ken/Barbie value pack.

A Domino’s franchisee in Bethlehem, PA will spend one year in jail and pay $2.5 million in restitution for tax crimes. Meanwhile a judge will schedule his hearing on pizza crimes.

A 12-time DUI offender was sentenced to 11 years in prison. Although he’s eligible to have it reduced to 10 1/2 years if he completes a Defensive Driving course.

A California woman was fined $88,000 after her children illegally harvested 72 clams from Pismo Beach. The fine was eventually reduced to $500, but she was still steamed.

Lebron James called for a change to the NBA’s challenge rules for foul calls, calling for coaches to get a third challenge after two successful challenges, and calling for any play that involves Lebron to be reviewed at Lebron’s request.

A new poll finds two-thirds of Americans are concerned about possble violence following the 2024 elections. The other third are pretty busy planning the violence.

The Department of Justice is suing to break up Live Nation/Ticketmaster, saying they’re using monopoly power to unfairly influence the ticketing business. The DOJ is planning to serve the lawsuit but are currently 20th in the queue with an estimated wait time of 15 minutes.

The Bachelorette alum Ryan Suter is addressing rumors that his wife Trista – the first ‘Bachelorette’ – had died. Ryan said she’s alive, and he can prove it because ABC hasn’t offered him a 12-episode deal as The Widower Bachelor.

WNBA rookie superstar Caitlin Clark’s popularity is about ‘white privilege’ and ‘pretty privilege’ according to The View co-host Sunny Hostin, who couldn’t drain a three to save her life.

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Walmart agreed to pay $45 million as part of a class action settlement after admitting to overcharging for weighted produce and bags of fruit. This will be a huge payday for the 6 customers who actually bought nutritious food at Walmart.

Donald Trump said he would not support a nationwide abortion ban, saying abortion decisions should be left up to the states, and to women he pays to get them.

A Southwest Airlines-operated Boeing jet made an emergency landing after the cover ripped off an engine during takeoff. Now that doors, tires, fuel, and engine covers have fallen off of airborne Boeing jets, a spokesperson said aircraft safety has officially dropped from their Top Priority to Fifth or Sixth.

The Vatican condemned gender-transition surgery, saying the talent pool of cute altar boys is shallow enough already.

Country music superstar Jelly Roll won three times at the CMT Music Awards in Austin, Texas. Less-popular country singer Vegan Roll was shut out.

U.S. lawmakers unveiled bipartisan legislation to give all Americans a basic right to digital privacy – that they’ll promptly waive because there’s no way they’re giving up Instagram & Tik Tok.

Lebron James son Bronny, a University of Southern California freshman basketball player, will enter the NBA Draft and the NCAA transfer portal. Bronny averaged 4.8 points per game, and an average GPA of Incomplete.

Maryland’s Governor Wes Moore said some shipping channels around the collapsed Key Bridge in Baltimore harbor have reopened after debris removal ‘equal to the weight of the Statue of Liberty’. “Great, now everyone thinks I’m fat” said Lady Liberty.

140 guests attended the wedding of former CNN Anchor Don Lemon and his partner. It was the first time many of them were invited to a Lemon Party.

In honor of the solar eclipse, Krispy Kreme is offering the Total Solar Eclipse donut – a glazed donut dipped in chocolate and topped with buttercream and an Oreo. They say the temporary diabetic coma from eating it is just like a full-blackout eclipse.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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Good news, scientists believe they’ve discovered an antidote to death caps – the world’s most lethally toxic mushrooms. Bad news, the antidote is lima beans.

Honda is recalling 1.2 million minivans & SUVs because the backup camera may not appear on the dashboard, causing drivers to wait until they exit the vehicle to see what the kid on the tricycle they just backed over looks like.

Researchers believe hairy moles may be the key to curing baldness. They just need to figure out how to shave them off of guy’s shoulders & backs and stick them to the top of their heads.

Tik Tok’s Chief Operating Officer, Vanessa Pappas, is leaving after five years with the company. In other news, following her exit interview in China, Vanessa Pappas has been reported missing.

At the Louis Vuitton show during Paris Fashion Week, Lebron James rubbed Rihanna’s pregnant belly. Then Chris Brown rubbed her belly and the fetus got a black eye.

A medical expert stated that the catastrophic implosion of the OceanGate Titan submersible would leave no identifiable human remains. His findings were confirmed by several sharks who attended brunch together last Sunday afternoon.

‘Titanic‘ director James Cameron criticized the OceanGate explorers, saying they’d failed to “learn the lessons” of the Titanic – specifically, if you’re going to exploit a tragedy for profit, don’t risk your own life doing it.

Maury Povich is starting an at-home DNA paternity test company. For a lesser fee, he’s also offering at-home dance lessons to men who find out they’re not the father.

The Philadelphia Phillies and New York Mets will play two regular-season games in London next June – giving the United States’ greatest baseball hooligans a chance to display their talent to the United Kingdom’s soccer hooligans.

A new study claims having sex and an orgasm can help you fall asleep faster. The study followed 200 women who relented after their husbands kept them awake for two hours begging.

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Some North Carolina Little League baseball teams pulled out of the state championship tournament after gunshots were fired during a weekend game. One baserunner was picked off at first base.

The UK’s largest grocer, Tesco, stopped selling Heinz baked beans in a dispute over rising prices. The UK air quality index surged to its highest level in decades.

Lebron James criticized efforts to free WNBA star Britney Griner from a Russian prison. James thinks that Griner should just call a press conference to announce which city she’ll be taking her talents to.

Twitter is suing Elon Musk to force him to follow through on buying the company, utilizing a “you & 229 million other dopes broke it, you bought it” strategy.

MTV suddenly halted production on its new-cast reboot of ‘Jersey Shore’ in Atlantic City. No word was given on why, but it’s rumored that MTV discovered most of the new cast are college-educated, have jobs and are sober.

WalletHub released their list of the Most Stressed Cities in the U.S. Cleveland topped the Most Stressed list – leading new Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson to say that’s why he needs so many stress-relieving massages.

Millions of student loan borrowers were notified that their debt was transferred from Navient to new company Aidvantage. Aidvantage looks forward to never receiving their payments.

A lawyer on Tik Tok claims retail stores are using surveillance footage from self-checkout counters to frame customers for stealing. She specifically cites voice prompts that say “scan item”, then “place the item in your purse”.

Bradley Cooper is reportedly dating Hillary Clinton’s former assistant Huma Abedin. Abedin is the ex-wife of disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner, and is now the steady date of much-admired Hollywood Weiner.

Newly released video of the Uvalde school shooting shows an armed local police officer staring at his phone with a ‘Punisher’ lock screen, while inside the school, doing nothing. He later unlocks the phone and tops his personal record in Candy Crush.

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U.S. billionaire and art collector Michael Steinhardt agreed to surrender $70 million in stolen artwork – $69,999,998 in rare portraits & antiquities, along with ‘Dogs Playing Poker’.

Researchers found taking Viagra cuts the risk of Alzheimer’s by up to 69 percent. Sadly the other 31 percent don’t realize they’re walking around with a huge erection.

GOP Congressman Devin Nunes announced he’s resigning to become CEO of Donald Trump’s new social media platform, despite a pre-politics background in dairy farming. Nunes claims to be qualified, since he grew up shoveling bullshit.

Travelers flying to the United States must test negative for COVID-19 a day before their arrival, or get a signed agreement from their dog to share the crate.

The United Arab Emirates announced it’s switching to a 4-and-a-half day work week, and a Saturday/Sunday weekend, to better align with Western cultures. Men look forward to spending the additional time with their kids and wives.

68 ICU doctors & nurses at a Malaga, Spain hospital tested positive for COVID-19 after a superspreader office Christmas party. The most popular ‘stolen’ gifts in the party’s White Elephant swap were gift bags of monoclonal antibodies and Remdesivir.

George Cacioppo, a 64-year-old Sony Playstation executive, was fired after being caught in a sting soliciting sex with a decoy pretending to be a 15-year-old boy. Cacioppo didn’t end up getting the sex, or the Call Of Duty tips he was looking forward to.

Amazon launched subscription service Alexa Together, using Amazon Devices and digital assistants to monitor the health and activities of seniors. Subscribers can simply ask “Alexa, is my rich grandfather dead yet?”

Kyle Rittenhouse appeared on a BlazeTV podcast and said “f**k you Lebron”, over Lebron James’ criticism of Rittenhouse crying on the witness stand. Rittenhouse said he used to be a Lebron fan, because he was also a great shooter.

Zion National Park in Utah announced anyone hiking the Angels Landing rock formation after April, 2022 will have to win a lottery to get a permit. “Congratulations on your fractured skull or broken ankle!” reads the email sent to winners.

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Dozens of people looted a San Francisco area Nordstrom store during a smash & grab robbery. Three of the people were arrested, since they stuck around to have their items gift-wrapped.

A New Jersey Starbucks worker may have exposed thousands of customers to hepatitis-venti-half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-caramel-frappucino-type-A.

Target announced they’ll keep stores closed on Thanksgiving Day for good, and will open at Midnight on Black Friday for stampedes.

Oregon State Police seized 500,000 pounds of illegal marijuana, with a street value of $500 million, and a government-run dispensary value of $5 billion.

Lebron James was ejected from Sunday’s game against the Detroit Pistons for elbowing Pistons Isaiah Stewart above the eye, drawing blood. Video of the incident premiered on HBO Max as Face Jam.

NFL wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr and girlfriend Lauren Wood revealed she’s pregnant, after she played wide receiver a few months ago.

Machine Gun Kelly didn’t bring girlfriend Megan Fox to the American Music Awards, choosing instead to bring his 12-year-old daughter Casie, a.k.a Squirt Gun Kelly.

Tiger Woods shared video of his first practice swings since his February auto accident. Ex-wife Elin Nordegren did not share video, but reportedly took her first swings since bashing Tiger’s SUV with a 5-iron in November 2009.

Kyle Rittenhouse said in an interview that he’s not a racist and that he supports the Black Lives Matter movement, with the exception of any movement near his gun barrel.

Two Fox News contributors quit the network in protest over lies & conspiracy theories in Tucker Carlson’s January 6th special. More are expected to leave once they release Carlson’s Christmas special, Kyle Rittenhouse Is Comin’ To Town.

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Grand Funk Railroad announced its summer tour, with special guests Little River Band and Blue Oyster Cult. Tickets are available by calling 1977.

A 9-year-old Utah girl and her 4-year-old sister wanted to swim in the ocean, so they drove the family car nearly 10 miles before getting into an accident. The 9-year-old also threatened to turn the car around and go back home if the 4-year-old kept asking for bathroom stops.

The defending NBA champion Los Angeles Lakers were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs by the Phoenix Suns. Lakers star Lebron James announced he’s “taking his talents to Miami” for a beach vacation.

A pop-up shop in San Francisco features robots that paint fingernails for $8. The shop was closed temporarily when a woman shoved her foot in the machine and the robot blacked out.

An Australian woman claims to have contracted ‘foreign accent syndrome’, when she mysteriously acquired an Irish accent after awaking from a tonsillectomy. She also can no longer move her arms when she dances.

Tennis star Naomi Osaka, who withdrew from the French Open citing depression and anxiety, was named the world’s 12th highest-paid athlete, earning $77 million in 2020. Other athletes are also depressed – that they don’t make nearly as much.

Baseball’s Cleveland Indians have narrowed down the list of new team names. Owner Paul Dolan said the team is looking to distance itself from the current name, so they’ll only consider non-Native American ethnic slurs.

Out Leadership, a business advisory firm focused on inclusiveness, ranked the 50 U.S. states for LGBTQ+ inclusivity. New York finished first, South Carolina finished last, and Mississippi was omitted because they couldn’t spell LGBTQ.

More than a dozen U.S. cities are exploring minimal or zero police presence responding to “mental health” 911 calls. Behavioral experts say they’re perfectly capable of shooting mentally impaired people themselves.

‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ star Widow Von’Du was arrested for assault after allegedly beating up a man who refused to leave her apartment, leaving him with 14 stitches on his face & head. Von’Du is now the betting favorite to win ‘RuPaul’s Summer Slam’.

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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.