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Experts refuted a report that Boston University had created a newer, deadlier COVID strain in a lab, determining instead that someone spilled Samuel Adams Oktoberfest into a petri dish.

A woman who had once faked her own kidnapping 13 years ago and fled to Disney World to avoid embezzlement charges is now accused of embezzling from her new employer. Her defense attorney says Disney World has gotten, like, crazy expensive.

Meghan Markle said that her time as a ‘briefcase girl’ on game show Deal Or No Deal made her feel like a ‘bimbo’. Producers of the show say they’re disappointed to hear this, saying they were going for more of a ‘hooker’ vibe.

Apple increased the price of its entry-level iPad from $329 to $449. For the extra money you get a larger screen, USB-C charging, and exclusive preloaded porn you can watch on the toilet.

Two Wyoming college wrestlers on a hunting trip were seriously injured when they were ambushed by a grizzly bear. Their wrestling coach joined wildlife officials in trying to find the bear, so he can offer it a full scholarship.

Barack Obama said Democrats need to avoid being a “buzzkill”. “Yeah, man, I can dig it, you get your Blink-182 tickets yet, Barry?” said his hepcat friend Joey Biden.

Netflix shares rose after posting better-than-expected subscriber growth, which management attributed to murder and cannibalism.

Passengers in business class on a United Airlines flight from Tampa to Newark shrieked when they discovered a garter snake on the floor. Workers removed the snake, who then berated gate agents for causing it to miss its connection to London.

A week after deleting her Instagram account, Britney Spears posted a nude photo on Twitter, saying “I have a premiere for a movie this week ‘THE LEGISLATIVE ACT OF MY P—Y’ !!!!” So far, ‘The Legislative Act Of My P—y‘ is getting way better reviews than her 2002 movie ‘Crossroads‘.

Actor Matthew Perry said he nearly died several years ago when his colon burst because of opioid addiction. He was placed in a coma and had to use a colostomy bag for nine months, which kind of explains why the Friends reunion took a while.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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Eclipse, a Seattle dog famous for learning to ride the bus to a dog park alone, has died. To fill the void, multiple homeless Seattle residents have stepped in to ride the bus with their genitals exposed.

Student loan forgiveness applications are now being accepted through a ‘beta test’ website. “What’s a website?” asked borrowers who probably shouldn’t have received student loans.

Alaska’s snow crab harvest is cancelled after millions of the crustaceans disappeared from the state’s coastal waters. Carnival Cruise Lines reported several riots on board ships, when the crab leg station at the buffet was filled with Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was married in a surprise ceremony on Friday. The couple wrote their own vows, with hers beginning “Robert, me love you long time..”

Tom Brady attended Kraft’s wedding solo, without his wife Gisele Bundchen. He successfully avoided a blitz by every single and separated woman in attendance.

Kanye West is acquiring conservative social media app Parler, joining Candace Owens as the only verified black people on Parler.

Hearing aids are now approved for over-the-counter sale, coming to the rescue for hearing-impaired adults, and high school kids who need help cheating or hearing gossip.

A new study finds limited-contact practices to be one of the best ways to reduce head injuries in youth football, followed by having an unathletic kid who gets cut or rides the bench.

Some members of K-pop supergroup BTS are starting their required 18-month military service in the South Korean army. Fellow enlisted men marching in formation with BTS singers are still getting used to having panties thrown in their direction.

New York City congressional candidate Mike Itkis, who’s running on a platform to legalize sex work, released a 13-minute video having sex with porn star Nicole Sage. Itkis may be the first politician in history whose poll numbers go up after f*cking constituents.

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A group of eight skydivers over age 80 became the largest in their age group to simultaneously dive in formation during a recent jump in Florida. The Guinness Book of World Records gave commemorative plaques to the five who remembered to open their parachutes.

A grandfather was charged with leaving a toddler in the back of a returned rental car at a Florida airport. He also faces charges of $12/gallon for forgetting to fill the tank.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX said it can no longer afford to donate Starlink satellite receivers to provide internet & communication to war-torn Ukraine. Comcast/Xfinity offered to jump in, leading Ukrainians to say “nah, we’re good”.

Garbage singer Shirley Manson said in an interview she once “took a crap” on a cheating boyfriend’s breakfast cereal. She and the boyfriend are no longer together, and he is no longer cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Saturday Night Live alum Rob Schneider claims that when fellow alum Bill Murray hosted the show during his tenure, Murray “hated” cast members Schneider, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley. People can’t believe that Murray would hate Sandler & Farley.

Two anti-oil activists were arrested after throwing tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh’s ‘Sunflowers’ portrait at the National Gallery in London. Curators hope that it can be fully restored by dragging the canvas with grilled cheese sandwiches.

Grocery giant Kroger agreed to buy fellow grocery company Albertson’s for $24.6 billion. The purchase entitles Kroger to their choice of a free ham or turkey with coupon.

Vladimir Putin said the call-up of Russian reservists will continue for two more weeks. Southwest Airlines said they’re Wanna Get Away? fares from Moscow to anywhere else will be extended for two more weeks.

Donald Trump indicated he would possibly testify before the January 6th committee, but only if it’s on national television, and only if it airs opposite another terrible Thursday Night Football game.

A pair of 1880s Levis jeans sold for $76,000, and were printed with an anti-Chinese phrase on the pocket “the only kind made with white labor”. A pair of 1880s Wrangler jeans made with Chinese labor sold for a budget-friendly $19.

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New Zealand will tax agricultural emissions – generated from the dung, urine & burps of cows and sheep – in an effort to curb climate change. Although hiring employees to measure the gas is difficult given the likelihood of comas and death from asphyxiation.

Brett Favre said he’s being “unjustly smeared” for his role redirecting Mississippi welfare funds to a sports facility at Mississippi State University. Favre said he knows a thing or two about unjust smears, having given them with his junk to NFL team massage therapists.

A jury found Infowars’ Alex Jones must pay nearly $1 billion in damages to families of Sandy Hook shooting victims. Jones’ bank accounts are expected to go from a ‘deep state’ to empty.

Two Florida men in separate cars were charged with shooting each other’s daughters during a road rage incident. It’s unclear which car got the good parking spot at Chuck E. Cheese.

Khloe Kardashian told fans she had surgery to remove a small cancerous tumor from her cheek. Since it was her ninth facial procedure, she’ll get the 10th one free.

A Texas family of five was sentenced for storming the Capitol together in the January 6th riots. In other news, Fox News has ordered a sitcom reboot of ‘Party Of Five’.

A Mar a Lago employee told the FBI that Donald Trump ordered him to move boxes from a storage room to his on-site residence. The boxes are alleged to contain classified documents, and a month’s worth of McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.

Social Security payments will incorporate an 8.7% cost-of-living increase in 2023, the highest such increase in 40 years. Manufacturers of wheelchairs and mobility scooters report a surge in demand for custom rims.

Minnesota resident Travis Gienger’s 2,560 pound pumpkin won the World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off in Half Moon Bay, Calif. Gienger returned with his prize to his Minnesota home, where 40 punks smashed it in his driveway overnight.

A dromedary camel was walked by his handler in the drive-thru of an In-N-Out burger restaurant in Las Vegas because the camel loves the french fries. However, it left disappointed because they wouldn’t accept payment from the camel’s American Express card.

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A new study questions the effectiveness of colonoscopies in detecting cancer. The study may not impact most adults decision to get a colonoscopy because they’re so much fun.

Every child at a day care center in Allentown PA required treatment following a carbon monoxide leak. None were seriously hurt, and day care workers saved the idea for the next time toddlers were uncooperative at nap time.

Actress Angela Lansbury died at age 96. Natural Causes, She Wrote.

Warner Brothers Television Group cut 125 jobs, or roughly 26% of total headcount. In a memo to employees, CEO Channing Dungey wrote “thbudee..thbudee..that’s all for your jobs, folks”.

British pop singer Rex Orange County was charged with sexually assaulting a woman on six separate occasions in London, and is now known as Rex County Jail.

‘Big Bang Theory‘ actress Kaley Cuoco announced she’s expecting her first child with ‘Ozark‘ actor Tom Pelphrey, following an average bang.

A self-described ‘incel’ faces life in prison for a plot to kill 3,000 sorority girls at an Ohio university. His defense attorney called it an unnecessary tragedy, since three drunk Ohio sorority girls said they might have actually considered having sex with him.

Georgia Senate Candidate Herschel Walker said of a woman who claims he paid for her abortion and urged her to have another, “she’s lying”. Walker is right, since he actually paid for three abortions.

Harvey Weinstein’s attorneys complained to a judge about the “medieval” conditions in his holding cell at the courthouse, claiming that it lacks a proper toilet, and wenches to harass.

Tom Brady is part of a group that purchased a Major League Pickleball team. Other teams in the league say they’re at an unfair disadvantage playing Brady’s team because they’re getting hit with a ton of Roughing The Pickle calls.

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The NFL agreed to changes in its Concussion Protocol, but assured fans that their Playing With Other Broken Body Parts Protocol remains the same.

Disney Paris is closing down the ‘Snow White’ attraction indefinitely, leading to unfair labor practice lawsuits from seven plaintiffs.

Former Federal Reserve Chair Ben Bernanke and two other men received the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work in the banking industry during financial crises. Then they spent their prize money on lottery tickets.

A group of boys selling candy bars in a Hooters parking lot were asked to stop by the manager, so the boys assaulted him and broke his arm. The manager said he was fine with them selling candy, but wanted them to change out of their orange booty shorts.

Multiple participants were injured jumping into a pit of foam rubber cubes at video-streaming conference TwitchCon. One woman stated she broke her back in two places and couldn’t stop Twitching.

Apple’s new ‘crash detection’ feature for iPhone 14 and Apple Watch is mistakenly calling 911 when people ride roller coasters. A theme park visitor wearing an Apple Watch called 911 fifty times between rides on roller coasters and the bumper cars.

Kanye West’s antisemitic posts were removed by Twitter and Instagram; he’d accused Diddy of being controlled by Jewish people. In other news, Kanye cleared 3 million followers within 15 minutes of his debut on Truth Social.

During the New York Mets season-ending loss to the San Diego Padres, Mets manager Buck Showalter had Padres pitcher Joe Musgrove searched for foreign substances. Umpires found no slippery or sticky substances, just a switchblade and a flask of bourbon, and Musgrove was allowed to continue.

A Massachusetts high school football coach quit mid-season with his team 3-3, because of vulgar, abusive behavior from players’ parents. The parents said they were just warming up for when they start yelling at the hockey coach in a couple months.

An elderly female at a Cartagena, Colombia nursing home suffered a heart attack during a “stripper party” where exotic dancers entertained the residents. Someone performed chest compressions on the woman, then shoved 100 pesos in her bra.

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Google claims a feature of their new Pixel 7 camera helps the visually impaired take selfies. Although they say it can’t help visually impaired people who try to take selfies with the tv remote.

A 37-year-old British man with physical handicaps was denied delivery of his food order because he looked under 25. He’s now unclear how he’ll get his Spaghetti-O’s.

A man knelt in the aisle at a Toronto Blue Jays game and “proposed” to his girlfriend with a candy Ring Pop. The woman slapped him and tossed her drink on him. However, an 8-year-old girl in the next row accepted the proposal and the ring.

After promising results in clinical trials, the Alzheimer’s drug lecanemab faces new questions, including “Where am I?” and “who is lecanimab?”

Pebbles, a fox terrier and the World’s Oldest Dog, died at age 22. Pebbles crossed the Rainbow Bridge while uncontrollably pissing on it several times.

A cargo ship captain is accused of drugging the drinks of two Merchant Marine Academy cadets and sexually assaulting them. He was relieved of his duties on The Lust Boat.

YouTube is reportedly cracking down on videos showing how to 3D-print devices that convert semi-automatic weapons to machine guns. Video creators are angry that their follower & subscriber counts are dropping because of the videos’ removal, and because their viewers keep getting shot & killed.

The record heat wave killed the most UK residents since record-keeping began, with 2,800 ‘excess deaths’ among those aged 65 & over. Heat deaths were prevalent enough that they surpassed another top mortality driver: choking to death on scones.

A 22-year-old Colorado woman duct taped her naked Tinder date’s wrists and ankles, performed oral sex on him, then cut him with a knife, choked him with a belt and ordered DoorDash. She was arrested, but two dozen Tinder matches offered to post her bail if they could get the same date.

California high school athletic trainer Tiffany Strauss-Gordon is accused of sexually abusing teen male football players while treating them. The football players did say she was good at stretching and finding ways to help the swelling go down.

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Herschel Walker is alleged to have fathered a child with a woman, and also paid for her abortion – showing Walker can either run with fatherhood, or pass on it.

Peloton is cutting 500 more jobs, but is offering outplacement to fired workers, giving them names and addresses of Peloton owners so they can go help fold the clothes hanging on their bikes.

Joe Biden and Ron Desantis met in Florida to monitor disaster relief efforts following Hurricane Ian. Biden returned to Washington, but only after removing 100 immigrants that Desantis snuck into the cargo hold of Air Force One.

Kanye West defended his White Lives Matter shirt – writing of white lives via Instagram “THEY DO” mattter. “Well, I guess we’re inviting him to the cookout!” said the Grand Imperial Wizard of the KKK.

Adam Sandler said he has trouble maintaining the same body weight over the course of a three month movie shoot. His frequent costar Kevin James said he has the same problem over the course of an eight-hour workday.

A high school golf team cancelled practice when they arrived at their course to find a local strip club was hosting a tournament featuring exotic dancers. Most of the team left, but a few of them stayed behind hoping to watch or play a few holes.

A woman’s soccer coach at a Texas university was suspended amidst allegations of her ‘making out’ with mens soccer players, and asking her team to loan her bail money after a DUI. She is now evaluating teaching offers from multiple Texas high schools.

SEPTA, Philadelphia’s mass transit authority, announced their new plan for crime, cleanliness and drug use in stations: ignore all of it.

The FBI allegedly tracked ‘Queen Of Soul’ Aretha Franklin for 40 years due to suspected ties to “black extremists”. The newly-released files were titled S-U-S-P-E-C-T.

An American tourist broke two ancient sculptures at the Vatican after he was refused a visit with the Pope. The sculptures are currently being restored, marking the first time His Holiness has blessed tubes of Gorilla Glue.

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Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.